Finally, For Me

by Burke, Roseanne

  Before I knew it, the stranger and I made eye contact. I felt like time froze for that second, like we were the only two people on the planet. It was so brief but incredibly intense. I quickly looked away, pushing my hair behind my ears. I could feel my cheeks burning. God, he was really handsome, with a rugged five o'clock shadow. I wanted to look at him again, but I restrained myself. Something just drew me to him, like we were meant to know each other. I sighed, realizing how silly my thoughts sounded.

  "How are you doing young lady?" Johnny walked over to me and asked.

  "Oh I'm fine," I tried to force a smile at him. I wanted to say thank you for distracting me.

  "Anything in particular you want to talk about? I'm a good talker. It's a hazard of the trade," he said, wiping down the counter.

  I smiled, this time a genuine smile. He was kind, and it felt good just being in his presence. He kind of reminded me of my grandpa. I was half expecting him to call me ladybug. I glanced slyly toward where the stranger was sitting. He had his back turned, putting his jacket on, getting ready to leave. A wave of disappointment hit my stomach. I turned back to Johnny.

  "Sure, that may be just what I need." I had nowhere else to be, no one I really wanted to talk to.

  "Let's get you another round here, and then we'll chat."

  Johnny fixed me another drink, which gave me the courage I needed to tell him the whole story. It was actually nice talking to someone who didn't know us both. I didn't feel embarrassed.

  "Well it sounds like he wasn't the right one for you anyways. And I know I haven't met him, but I know it was his loss," he winked at me.

  "Well thanks. Now I just need to figure out what I'm going to do about my apartment...and my car...and my student loans...and all my other expenses..." I sank my head between my hands, my elbows propping me up on the bar. I slowly began to realize I wouldn't be able to afford everything on my own. The hospital had been slower, so I was being flexed from some shifts recently. Luckily the apartment was in my name and not his, so I wouldn't have to deal with that hassle.

  I pushed those thoughts aside and downed the rest of my drink. I felt warm and a thousand times better than when I came in. I wished that mysterious stranger was still here; I felt like I would have been bold enough to approach him. Instead, I settled for the next best thing.

  "Johnny, who was that man you were speaking to earlier? Down at the other end? He looked, er, familiar." I played with the handle of my purse nervously, hoping I didn't seem too obvious.

  "Oh, that was Ben Anderson. He's a regular here. You've probably seen his billboard up there on Fifth Street. He's a big shot attorney."

  "Oh yeah, that must be it," I lied. I had never seen that billboard, but I knew I needed to take a drive by Fifth Street soon.

  With my empty glass in front of me, I decided it was time to head home. I hoped that Mark would be gone. I settled my tab, then headed out to my car. Sadness washed over me as I realized I would probably need to sell it. It was a gift to myself, but there was no way I could afford the payments when my rent suddenly just doubled.

  I drove back to the apartment, and to my relief, Mark's car wasn't in his spot. The door was unlocked, with two single silver keys laying on the entryway table. I ran to the closet; his side was completely cleared out. The emptiness of it actually gave me a feeling of comfort. I wandered into the living room, looking out the floor to ceiling windows at the night. Forrester wasn't big, but it had a cute downtown. I watched people bustling down the street, cars weaving in and out of traffic. I stared at the twinkling lights of the street lamps as the last sliver of daytime gave way to the night. Thoughts of money were gnawing at me. How could I manage to stay in this apartment?

  My stomach growled, bringing me back to the present. I hadn't realized how hungry I was. I walked into the kitchen and pulled open the stainless freezer, perusing my scant collection. Shrimp scampi Lean Cuisine it is, I thought. I popped it in the microwave, and opened up a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Despite my two drinks at the bar, I wanted to be even more numb. When the bell on the microwave rang, I opened the steaming hot dish, stirring and blowing on it. I leaned back against the dark granite counter, taking a bite. The emptiness I felt swallowed me whole, as I sank to the floor, tears now flowing from my eyes.

  Chapter 3

  Ben

  I sat at my desk rubbing my temples.

  "For the last time, I know my dad is a named partner, but it's important to me that I put in my share of the work and not skate by on his name," I said into the phone, exasperation not escaping my voice.

  "But this is the third time you've cancelled on my friends in the past month! They're going to think I'm dating a huge douche bag!" whined Marissa. I pictured her on the other end, looking down at her manicured nails, not really that upset, just wanting to argue for the sake of it.

  "Well then maybe you should consult me before making plans, then I wouldn't have to cancel." My jaw was clenched. I hated when she did this to me: made me out to be the bad guy when I was completely blindsided with her "plans."

  "Ugh, fine! But I will be seeing you tomorrow! Enjoy your night at work."

  With that, my girlfriend hung up on me. I groaned and hung up the receiver, rolling back in my leather desk chair. I brought my hands to my forehead, trying to rub the stress away. I looked at the stack of files on my mahogany desk. I wagered if I added one more, it would topple over. I was in no mood to deal with her shit.

  Marissa and I had been dating for the past three years. Or, almost four, I guess. I knew she was getting antsy for a ring, which was making her even more insufferable recently. I wasn't sure exactly why I was dragging my feet; I knew we were supposed to be together. Our families had known each other for as long as I could remember; it just made sense. I had just been putting in countless hours at the law firm, which had put a damper on ring shopping.

  But to be honest, I didn't really have a thought out plan for proposing. There was no scenario I had worked out in my mind on how I would do it. We didn't have a favorite restaurant or special inside joke I could work in. Whenever the thought even crossed my mind, I would just draw a blank, so I would focus on something else instead.

  I knew I was going to be working late into the night, so I decided to take a quick break and run down to Johnny B's, the local bar just down the block from the office. It was my usual happy hour stop, quiet but busy enough where you didn't feel alone. Johnny himself was always good to talk to. He was everyone's buddy, and would bend over backwards for you if you needed it.

  I grabbed my jacket and headed for the elevator, shuffling in, standing shoulder to shoulder with other business-types. It was cramped due to the time of day. It was quitting time for most people, but not for me. I was trying to prove I could fill my dad's shoes at the law firm when he retired in a year. I pushed out through the revolving glass doors and into the cool evening. It seemed unseasonably chilly for September; I was glad Johnny's was only four doors down. The street was busy with people walking to their cars, or catching the bus. I made my way in and took my usual spot at the bar.

  "Hey Ben! The usual tonight?" Johnny asked with a bright smile.

  "Sure thing," I smiled back.

  If there was any night that a Grey Goose martini was in order, it was tonight, especially after my conversation/fight I had with Marissa.

  Johnny brought me my drink, and I felt instant relief wash over me. I thought sometimes just the act of going for a drink was a greater stress reliever than the drink itself.

  "How's the job going?" he asked.

  "Good, good," I said, sipping my drink and setting the glass down. "Just busy. I'll actually have to head back there after this, so you can just bring me the check when you get a chance."

  "Oh sure!" He walked over to the register. "And how's that girlfriend of yours? Have you asked her to marry you yet?" he called over his shoulder.

  Was that on everyone's mind these days? "Ha! She's good too. And no I haven't. She'd probably be b
etter if I did though," I mused, taking a gulp.

  "Oh well, in time I suppose." He cocked his head to the side. "You know, for all the time you're here, I've only met her the one time."

  I thought back to the single occasion I brought her to Johnny's. She had instantly turned up her nose because there wasn't a dj, cover charge, and line out the door with a bouncer rejecting some people and accepting others. I vowed never to bring her here again after that. It was the one place I could go to truly relax, and I wasn't about to have her ruin it for me.

  I rubbed my eyebrow with my index finger. "Yeah, low key isn't exactly her scene."

  He chuckled softly. "Yeah, it's not for everyone. Maybe that's why you guys are good for each other, kinda opposite," he said matter-of-factly, placing my receipt in front of me.

  Leave it to Johnny to say the things I couldn't say myself. Marissa and I were opposites when it came to a lot of things- tastes in food, music, movies. But we were similar too; we both came from wealthy families. I was staring at my drink, racking my brain to think of more similarities between us, coming up empty-handed.

  "Well let me know if you need anything else, Ben. Looks like someone new coming in." He headed toward the other end of the bar.

  I watched him walk over to a woman I'd never seen before. What struck me first was how gorgeous she looked, even in just a plain tee shirt and exercise pants. Her dark brown hair was pulled back, showing off her long slim neck. I found my thoughts wandering to how it would feel under my lips. Settle down Ben.

  I took another sip of my drink, nearing the bottom of the glass. Damn, my break was almost over. Taking out my phone, I pretended to be engrossed in a text conversation, but I kept finding myself being drawn to this girl. She looked somewhat sad, and for some reason, I wanted to know why. I watched as Johnny brought her an appletini. Her face lit up with a smile, and I knew I was in trouble. I needed to get out of here before I went over and started talking to her. I had Marissa at home and enough on my plate as it was. I saw Johnny making his way toward me.

  "Well friend, it's about time I head back to the office," I said, gathering my things.

  He gave me a friendly wave. "Good seeing you Ben! Take care now."

  But I didn't hear his farewell. Suddenly, I locked eyes with the new girl, and I felt a tingle of electricity shoot through me. I quickly looked away and tried to focus on Johnny.

  "Yeah, you too."

  I purposely didn't look back when I left, trying to avoid any and all temptation. I headed back to the office with less of a clear head than when I had left it in the first place. I settled in, getting to work on my first file, trying to erase the picture of the brunette from the bar from my head.

  ********

  Lacey

  I woke up in the morning with a throbbing headache. I groaned, looking at the three quarters empty bottle of wine on my night stand. How cliché of me- eating lean cuisine and drinking wine by myself after a breakup. I walked over to the bathroom, feeling the soft beige carpeting under my feet, and downed two Tylenol. I crossed the hall back to my bedroom, unsure of what to do next. Grabbing my phone, I headed to the living room, and sunk into the sofa. The leather felt cold and uninviting. Then it dawned on me, technically the sofa belonged to Mark. So did the bed. Looking at my screen, I discovered several unopened text messages. One from Mark read: I'm coming by with a truck for the rest of my stuff at five. Dread sunk in the pit of my stomach. I hadn't even thought about needing to get my own bed and sofa. More expenses to add to the list.

  Pushing the thought of having to see Mark again out of my head, I responded to my other texts from my friends about my breakup. It was sinking in how real this was. As much as I knew it was the best thing for me, it still hurt. I was embarrassed too; I had moved for him and it didn't work out.

  I spent the rest of my day watching a Law and Order SVU marathon. I needed to get lost in mindless TV. Watching hour after hour of this show reminded me of my sophomore year of college, hanging out on the couch with my roommates between classes. It was the one sliver of comfort I could cling to right now.

  At four, I decided I should probably take a shower and make myself look presentable before Mark arrived. Who was I kidding? Obviously I wanted him to see me at my best. I had just thrown on a tight black tee and dark skinny jeans when I heard a knock at the door. I felt my belly tighten in a bundle of nerves and anxiety as I walked toward the entryway.

  "Hey," I said timidly as I opened the door. Would he try to say anything to get me back? Would I feel anything now that I've had a chance to calm down? We had been the poster children for "taking a break" throughout our whole relationship.

  "Hey," he said tightly. His hands were buried in his pockets. He shifted nervously, not making eye contact with me.

  In that moment, I realized I felt absolutely nothing toward him. I tried to hide my smile, knowing we were finally really done.

  "This is Brad," Mark said, pointing toward a man I'd never met before.

  "Hi, nice to meet you," I said, just trying to be polite. We stood in the entryway in an awkward silence. I broke it finally by saying, "well I'm off actually. Just please close up when you're done."

  I quickly walked into the bedroom, stripping off the sheets. I threw on some black heels, and grabbed my purse. There was only one place I could think of to go: Johnny B's.

  I could hear the two guys talking in the living room as I snuck out the front door. There was no way I could stay there and watch. This time, I decided just to walk to the bar. I opened the familiar door and was greeted by a busier crowd. It is Friday, I thought. I headed over to the same seat I had taken the day before. Johnny greeted me with a smile.

  "Well hey there young lady. Another apple martini?"

  That sounded delicious, but I couldn't spend nine dollars a drink tonight. "Er, actually do you have any specials? I'm trying to pinch a few pennies," I said, slinking down slightly on the stool, my shoulders hunched.

  "Well we've got three fifty Blue Moons," he answered, looking back at a marker board with bright lettering.

  That's more like it. "Sounds perfect."

  "Coming right up," he called over his shoulder as he headed toward the register.

  I felt so embarrassed. Seriously, what was I going to do about money? I had tried calling the hospital to pick up more shifts, but there was no need. We were overstaffed as it was. I saw Johnny heading toward me with my beer. I casually glanced to where I had seen the mysterious stranger the day before. To my disappointment, he wasn't there. I groaned inwardly at myself. I didn't even know him, why was I sad he wasn't there?

  "Well young lady, if it's money problems you've got, I may have a solution if you're interested," he said as he put my drink in front of me. He leaned on the bar, rubbing his chin.

  I took a tentative sip. "And that would be?" A million thoughts rushed through my mind. God, I hoped it was nothing sexual! He was a nice enough man, but I was not about to resort to selling myself for money.

  "I'm wanting to hire another bartender. My girl Jamie is leaving. It would only be part time, but it could help." His eyes looked earnestly at me.

  I set my drink down, swallowing harshly. Not at all what I had been expecting. "I have zero experience tending bar though! Plus, every third weekend I would have to work at the hospital." This could never work, could it?

  "That would be no problem. What do you work? Three days a week?"

  "Yeah," I replied.

  "Well I'm just looking for two nights per week as it is. I think you'd do great! What do you say?"

  His smile was infectious. I was trying to think of reasons to say no. I realized I was trying to avoid a chance at making money and meeting new people. Plus the possibility of running into the handsome stranger again crossed my mind.

  "Ok, what the heck! I'll do it!" I said excitedly.

  He swung his arm in front of himself cheerfully. "Alright! Well tonight you relax and drink your drinks. We'll meet tomorrow and discuss your trai
ning and schedule."

  "Sounds good!"

  I honestly was excited. I couldn't stop smiling as I drank my beer. This is what I needed in my life, people that made me genuinely happy.

  ********

  I woke up in my recliner with a stiff neck. I really need to go bed shopping today, I thought. I glanced at the clock on the cable box, twelve thirty. Starting night shifts had changed my entire sleep schedule. I was due to meet Johnny at four, before the evening rush. I swung my legs down, closing the foot of the chair, and headed into the shower.

  I quickly threw on a comfy long sleeve shirt and yoga pants. I would worry about looking nice before my shift. I drove to the nearest mattress store with the guidance of my GPS. I still had no idea where I was going in this town, other than to and from the hospital. A bell rang as I entered and an overly eager saleswoman greeted me.

  "Hi, how can I help you today?" Her hair looked like it had an entire can of hair spray holding it in place. I almost had to avert my eyes from the bright lime green jacket and hot pink pants she wore.

  "I'm in need of a new bed," I said, glancing around, trying to look anywhere but at her. I hated being hounded when I shopped. It made me incredibly anxious.

  "Ok, what size are you looking for? Queen? King?" She followed my footsteps, gripping a clipboard to her chest.

  "Oh, probably just a queen," I answered, running my finger over the bed I stood closest to.

  "You sure? Kings are just so much roomier. Is there anyone else sharing the bed?" she asked, her smile widening.