Hidden Barriers

by Sara Shirley

  Making my way back to my office, I turn up the volume on my phone as Gin Wigmore echoes off the walls. I continue to work through the horrid memories that creep to the front of my mind. I need to talk to someone, anyone right now. I can’t go back to that place I was years ago. I just can’t. There’s only one person I know who can help me from becoming the old Sam.

  The person who saved me that night.

  I grab my cell phone and run my finger over his name. Other than my dad, he’s the only guy I’ll allow close enough to me these days. After the phone rings a few times, I hear him pick up. “Hey, Sis. Long time no talk. How’s it going?”

  My brother Drew.

  “Hey, Drew. Just calling to talk and say hi. I really need someone to talk to right now.”

  My quick check on Emily turned into me agreeing to come back in the morning to take Aspen for a few hours so she doesn’t have to worry about him knocking her over. While Courtney left Emily alone today, Aspen took it upon himself to jump on Emily as she tried to maneuver around the apartment. The end result was Courtney walking in and finding Emily on the floor unable to help herself up from under the 120-pound barrel of fur. He means well and just wants to play, but with her injuries right now, it’s too risky.

  I couldn’t stay long with the girls, but I promised Jeremy I’d make sure everything was going well with Emily. I did just that, but now I need to make sure everything is still going well with my dick. Tarryn and I don’t fuck a lot, but if she wants it, and I have the night off, I won’t say no. That is why I’m now driving twenty minutes out of my way just to get some. Think what you want, but my hand was starting to get raw from overuse, and it’s been almost a month since Tarryn’s last booty call.

  Tarryn lives in a wealthy community just off Route 93 about ten minutes north of Boston. She brags, because evidently, she has some famous neighbors. I have no idea who she said they were, nor did I care the fifth time she told me. Like I said, her family comes from money, and we have nothing in common at all other than sex.

  By the time I pull into her driveway a little after eight, she’s already standing in the open doorway waiting for me, tapping her high heels against the floor with her arms crossed and a scowl across her face. It pisses me off when she does that. If I’m even so much as one minute late, she turns into a raging bitch and thinks we have some exclusive arrangement.

  The minute I’m through her front door, she turns her back to me and heads in the direction of the kitchen. “Do you think I enjoy waiting around for you, Josh? If this is an inconvenience for you, I’m sure I can find another guy who won’t waste my time.” She snarls as she grabs her glass of wine from the counter.

  “Seriously, Tarryn? How many times do I need to tell you? We are not exclusive or even close to being anything more than fuck buddies. And, let me remind you of one thing. You. Called. Me,” I say sternly, so she understands exactly what I’m implying. “I’ve got a lot of shit going on right now, so either you lay off the bitchy attitude, or I’m out of here and you can certainly go find yourself another cock to bounce on tonight.”

  Tarryn takes a sip of her wine, never losing eye contact with me. She slowly places her glass onto the counter and saunters seductively over toward me, and I’m immediately on guard. She’s up to no good, and I trust her even less now than I did when I first met her. But, damn, those legs get me every fuckin’ time.

  As she closes in to within an arm’s length, I am cautiously on guard for good reason. She leans in to within inches of my face before her hand snakes its way down my chest. Lower. Lower still until she distracts me with her voice as she says, “Josh, you know if you didn’t want what I can give you, then you wouldn’t be here right now. So, stop with the authoritative tone and fuck me already.” That’s when I don’t see exactly how low her hand is going until it’s too late. The minute she finishes speaking, her hand grabs my cock and forces me to follow her lead. Of course, her lead is in the direction of her bedroom, and I’m not about to not follow her. She has my balls in her vice grip.

  With Tarryn, there is never foreplay. We always jump right into sex. By the time we make it to her bedroom, it is only a matter of seconds before we have removed every ounce of clothing we are wearing. She takes to lying on her bed much quicker than me. There’s always a moment of hesitation before I slide on the condom with her, where I feel as though I shouldn’t be doing this. Then, her long, toned legs spread wide open, revealing her perfectly manicured pussy, and that thought is quickly diminished.

  My cock goes rock hard at the sight of her writhing on the bed, moaning, waiting for me to come to her. Her hands run over her flawlessly fake tits all the way down to her pussy. The minute her hand begins teasing her clit, I’m on the bed faster than the speed of lightning.

  I plank my body above hers as I drop my mouth over one of her nipples, sucking it hard before sliding my cock inside her. She’s already overly stimulated as I easily slide in and out of her pussy. There’s never any talking between us. The only sounds are our moans and the slapping of skin to skin.

  This is what it is.

  The minute we both come, I’m already eager to pull out, wrap the condom, and get dressed to hit the road. No snuggling, no feelings, no attachment. As soon as I hit the front door, I hear Tarryn at the top of the stairs say, “Call me if you want me again.” I nod toward her, letting her know I heard her and then my ass is through the door and walking to my Jeep.

  While I wait for the Jeep to warm up, I run my hands through my short hair, wondering how much longer I can keep this up with Tarryn. I put the Jeep into drive and head for the highway toward home. I know if anyone in my family ever found out about her, they would be extremely disappointed in me.

  I wanted to tell Jeremy on his birthday last Halloween. I wanted to get his advice, but shit, if that night didn’t go to hell wicked fast. Never in a million years did I think my ex-girlfriend, the woman I never stopped loving, would reveal that same night she was pregnant with another man’s baby. Thinking back now, I wonder if I should have played my cards differently and tried to find another outlet rather than sex with random women.

  I’ve tried distancing myself from my family and their weekly dinners as much as possible these last few years. The main reason is currently making her way down the stairs of my parents’ basement for a “family meeting”. I still don’t know why Jeremy called this stupid group session.

  My ex-girlfriend Sue, whom I’ve loved for years, but until recently have never let it bother me as much as it does now, is dating my brother’s best friend, Dave. It kinda changes things.

  I have no idea what’s about to be brought up during this so-called meeting. All I know is we were outside during the annual Halloween birthday party thing for Jeremy when Sue ran off in her ridiculous costume. I saw Emily whisper something to Jeremy, and that was it, the meeting was called immediately.

  Finally, the whole family is here, and the looks on their faces suddenly make me nervous.

  All the girls start talking, and I zone out until I hear Sue say the words that shoot like a knife to my heart. Looking up, I see the connection between Dave and her. Fucker. That was supposed to be my life. It’s not now. My slim, if not barely existent, chance has been chucked out the window. I’ve lost her for good. Dave’s the one who’ll have her in his future. My opportunity ran out a long time ago in her mind.

  Standing silently, I brush past everyone standing there, wondering what to say. Not me, though. I run for the backyard to get some air. Tossing my ass into the Adirondack chair around the fire pit, I grab a beer from the nearby cooler. After slamming the top off on the side of the chair, I chug half of it back. Dad will be pissed since I left a pretty huge dent in the arm, but ask me if I really care at this moment.

  I see Jeremy part ways with Emily as they come from the house. He eyes me sitting alone, pain clearly radiating off my expression. Before making his way over, he grabs his own beer. Standing over me, he debates whether to say anything, but
does all the same. “Are you okay?”

  Running my hand through my hair as I continue to stare at the fire that’s fully engulfed in front of me, I force out, “She’s pregnant, Jeremy. I’ve lost her for good now.” Downing the rest of my beer, I toss the glass into the fire, stand and move to walk by him, watching as everyone else has a good time at the party. Slapping my hand against his shoulder, I look over at him and give him the only advice I can give him— the advice I should have listened to myself years ago. “Don’t let the best thing in your life go. You love Emily. Fight with every last breath for her. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Don’t make the same mistake I did.”

  The sounds of car horns blowing break me from my painful memory. Seriously, at what point does my life change for the better? I thought putting in for the transfer to another barrack would have been a nice start. The only good thing is I’m closer to my family now, and they are always good for a laugh.

  I pull off the highway and make my way through downtown as “Crash into Me” by the Dave Matthews Band filters over the radio. I pass a few people out walking from the pubs and restaurants. The snow piles are still at least two feet high after a number of early January snowstorms. One storm in particular I never want to think of again, although Emily is my constant reminder of that night. I should probably call Sue at some point, but I’ve been trying to keep my distance ever since her baby news broke.

  She’s moved on. You have to as well.

  Stopping at the red light before turning down my street, I look around and see someone locking up the bar Nick and I went to earlier. The streetlight casts a bright glow behind her. She finishes locking the door with some struggle and then turns around, completely bundled up. Her winter knit hat is pushed low on her face, and her scarf is wrapped a million times around her face. Only her eyes and nose peek through, along with a few stray pieces of brown hair. She hesitates for a moment, looking cautiously around, before she bolts down the street and into the passenger side of a compact car idling down the street.

  Huh? That was odd. I’m happy to see women taking the extra attempt to scope out their surroundings, especially if they are alone at night, but North Andover is a town that hasn’t seen any form of crime in who knows how long. The traffic light turns green just as the car takes off in another direction.

  A couple of minutes later, I’m pulling into the driveway and entering the townhouse through the back door. As I make my way upstairs toward my bedroom, I hear the faint sounds of female moans coming from Nick’s bedroom. I chuckle softly and shake my head as I walk into my room. I guess we both hooked up tonight. Good for him.

  When I finally hit my bed, I let out a heavy sigh before yawning. Tomorrow will be my first day at my new station. A new day. A fresh start. Perhaps fucking Tarryn tonight was good. Out with the old or however that saying goes.

  It’s time to start moving my life in another direction. I just need to figure out what direction that is.

  The more my anxiety continues to creep up, the closer I am to going back to therapy. However, after I talked to my brother Drew yesterday, I felt slightly more at ease. He tried to comfort me into thinking that even though the parole hearing is a month away, there still wasn’t any guarantee Stone would be released. Plus, he said Stone would have no idea how to find me if he was released. The chances of there being only one Samantha Daley in the New England area were slim to none. He had a point. I was living in Rhode Island the last time Stone saw me. He most likely wouldn’t have any clue I moved. After the trial, I got a new phone number, changed my address, and left behind all my college friends with no contact information.

  When I said I started fresh, I meant it.

  The only people with whom I have contact from before that night are Drew and my parents. Everything and everyone else have been wiped clean.

  Still, the thought of knowing there is even the slightest chance he’d be on the loose scares the shit out of me. I told Drew if I have to run again, I will. He didn’t like that answer. He’d saved me once, and he said he’d do it again if he had to, except this time he’d kill Stone. Drew probably would, too. I had to sit through the testimonies in court, and I remember exactly what he described.

  I walked down the hall, since I found it odd that I couldn’t find my sister after hanging out with her for most of the night with my friends from college. We were all dancing one minute, and then we turned around, and Samantha was gone. All the fraternity brothers took off in different directions to look for her. Once I was in the hall, I heard banging and grunting coming from behind the last door.

  When I was close enough to hear what was going on, I knew someone was being hit, and then I heard the male voice say the name ‘Sam’, and I rushed in. I knew my sister had been seeing the lead singer of a band; I just had no idea it was Kurt Stone. When I stepped into the room, I saw blood splattered all over the walls. He was kicking her with his steel-toed boots, as she was lying on the floor unresponsive and bleeding from numerous places, mostly her face.

  I approached quickly and found something large and heavy on the office desk to hit him over the head just long enough for me to yell for help and get to my sister’s aid. Within seconds, a number of men were rushing through the doorway. Some were yelling to call 9-1-1, and others tried to hold back Stone from attacking any more.

  I was too overcome with concern for my sister, who was unconscious, broken, and bleeding in my arms, to care about his assault on Sam. I only knew I couldn’t find a pulse, and I needed to make sure she lived to see another day.

  If the day ever happens where Drew comes face-to-face with Stone again, yeah, he’ll kill him. My brother and I are too close for me to believe he won’t. Drew isn’t a small guy. If anything, he has the physique of a trained fighter. He was an all-star wrestler at Cornell in college. Being only a year younger than me, he has been my best friend since he was born. The minute I found out he saved my life, I knew we were thicker than blood. When he decided to join the Marine Corps Reserves after graduating from high school, I was nearly distraught. Thankfully, I found the roller derby girls to occupy my time, and the longest he’s ever away from us is when his unit has its annual training for three weeks. If he is deployed, I’m almost positive it will kill my parents, especially since my attack.

  I roll out of bed, still thinking about my past and how much it has affected who I am now. I slip on my shoulder sling, even though I’m pretty sure after two weeks, I shouldn’t need it anymore. I’ve worn it less and less the past couple of days. Nothing a few Advil can’t fix. I make my way downstairs to the kitchen to find my roommates scurrying about. It’s Monday, and we finally all have the same day off together. No derby practice. No work. No anything!

  Rose is brewing the coffee. Lucy is doing some hard-core fitness in the living room, and Kim is updating the social media sites for the C-Naughties. I truly love mornings off with my girls.

  “Hey, bitches!” I shout as I park my ass at the kitchen island. “What’s the plan for today?” I ask, knowing full well Kim has already planned out the “Derby Girls Day Off” itinerary. I know. Derby Date Night. Derby Girls Day Off. Nobody said we were cool. We just like to have fun together.

  We live every day as if it’s our last.

  Lucy pauses her fitness session to come into the kitchen. She grabs a water from the fridge before sitting down on the seat next to me. I grab a banana from the fruit basket and begin peeling it as we wait for Rose to finish the coffee. Kim shuts the laptop screen as she looks over at me peeling the banana before giving me an evil grin. Laughing, I say, “Don’t worry. I’m not going to take the whole thing like last time. I know better than that around you guys.”

  Rose, the mother hen of the group and the oldest at thirty-one, begins pouring coffee into mugs for all of us as she chimes in, “Okay, so we are all aware of Sam’s ability to suck a banana like a champ, but let’s figure out the fun-filled events for today.”

  Seriously, I will never live that day down. “It
was one banana, and that was like a year ago. There must be something Lucy has done since then that we can pick on her instead. I mean, c’mon. Let’s not forget the last Derby Date Night!”

  Lucy chuckles beside me, but Kim is the one who says, “Okay, okay. We all know Lucy has the libido of a rabbit and the vocal pipes of an opera singer, but really, someone needs to get Sam laid, ‘cuz if the banana is the only thing that has come within inches of her mouth in the last year, it’s just not right!” Kim shakes her head in disappointment.

  Lucy slides one arm over my shoulder before she declares, “I love you, Sam, but you really do need to get laid or at least go on a date or something. Not all guys are like Stone. You have to believe that.” This is the one topic I try to avoid. I know Stone is in a league all on his own. I know guys aren’t like that, and I know I need to put myself out there at some point. I’ve used the C-Naughties for too long to hide behind and try to make myself believe I don’t need a guy.

  The truth is, I’m scared to put myself out there. If I do and I find the right guy, what does that mean for my derby sisters? They have helped me through so much and have been my rock. I’d feel bad if I ever had to leave them behind.

  Rose taps her nails against the tile counter as she thinks silently. Lucy pulls away from my shoulder as she clears her throat before saying, “Why don’t we go ice skating at the College Park pond today?”

  Shrugging my shoulders half-heartedly, I reply, “Well, it’s going to be nearly thirty degrees today. We may as well get out of the house.”

  Kim looks at me with some apprehension. “Sam, are you sure you should be taking that chance with your shoulder? I don’t want to lose our lead scorer for opening day in another month.”

  I jump up from my seat to throw the banana peel into the trash and then head over to Kim’s side. Placing my hand upon her shoulder, I confidently say, “There’s no need to worry about me. I’ll be there opening day, and we’ll beat The Dirty Waters.”