Hidden Barriers

by Sara Shirley

  Everyone else goes along with the day’s plans, and within the hour, we are walking out the front door across the street with skates in tow. I think I’m wearing at least five base layers, not including my multiple scarves and hats. Luckily, if any of us were to get cold, the house is literally a couple of minutes away.

  The late morning sun is shining brightly off the snow-covered park as we approach. Lucy’s laughter echoes off the vast open space as we find the pond empty of skaters. If this were a weekend, I’m sure we wouldn’t have it all to ourselves. Pond skating is only slightly different from roller derby, but without a doubt, we will end up practicing our jams and body checks. Hence my multiple layers. I already know there is a chance I’m going to go plunging into a snow pile.

  While we’re lacing up our skates, I’m the first one done, only because Rose has to tie my skates due to my shoulder injury. My feet hit the rough corners, and the ice below me pops and cracks under my weight. Turning around my skates, I face the others who are still on the bench getting ready. I need to lay down a few ground rules. “First off, easy on my shoulder. I don’t need to end up back in the ER, and second, no booty checks or whips.”

  Kim groans from the bench. She’s notorious for whips in the jam pack. Basically, a jam consists of the group of girls in the derby pack. When the scorer, also known as the jammer, comes up from the back of the blockers, one of the blockers grabs the jammer and whips her around to gain speed and score once she passes all the other girls on the track.

  It can be fun, but if you aren’t ready for it, you can certainly get injured. That’s exactly how my shoulder became dislocated in the first place. Kim whipped me a little too fast into the steel beam at the practice center.

  After skating around the pond for about an hour, we decide to take a break. We brought a couple of thermoses of hot cocoa and snacks to eat. The hot cocoa warms me up quickly. Suddenly, a dog barking breaks the conversation in the group, and we all turn toward the sound.

  A huge fur covered dog is galloping in the fresh snow. Noticeably, he’s happy to be outside playing. I wonder where the owner is. Then, a figure emerges from behind a tree, jogging at a steady pace. He’s running toward us, and the dog sprints over to him. Everything is fine until the dog sees us. It appears we are all done for as he lunges for us.

  “Aspen! No!” the man yells in a breathy voice.

  Aspen. Cute name, but obviously, he’s not listening since he keeps coming for us. Once he finds Rose, he rubs his nose against her legs in excitement. The dog’s owner finally slows his sprint and then walks closer to us. As he approaches, he starts to remove his neck warmer that covers half of his face, and that’s when I see him. My mind starts racing, and words stop processing.

  I pull down my scarves from my chin before saying, “Seriously, you again?”

  Everyone’s eyes shoot up at me first and then over at the man standing no more than ten feet in front of me. It would probably be easier to form words if he wasn’t wearing tight-fitting running gear that shows off his muscles on every part of his body, and I do mean every part of his body.

  I try to step closer, but my skates have other ideas as I lose my balance and begin to tumble forward. Apparently, it’s my month to make a fool of myself. No sooner am I toppling over do his arms extend in an attempt to brace me. As I wince in some pain after my shoulder bumps into him, he gently eases me back to my feet.

  He reaches over to help adjust my shoulder sling and then notices all the girls staring silently at him as if waiting for something to happen. Sorry, girls, but the show’s over. You would think he would just leave already, but no. He makes his way over to the girls before speaking, “Sorry about Aspen. He’s my brother’s dog. I’m just kinda watching him for a while. Clearly, I’m not doing a good job. Oh, sorry, I’m Josh.” He reaches out his hand to shake everyone else’s.

  It also appears my roommates have lost their voices, so I have to introduce them all. “These are my roommates and teammates, Rose, Kim, and Lucy,” I say as I point to each one individually.

  “Oh, so you are all…what was it? Oh, yeah. C-Naughties, right?” Josh asks, laughing.

  He remembered?

  The sun is shining for the first time in days, and after picking up Aspen from my brother’s place, I decide to go for a run before work. Damn dog, I yell silently as I run through the park near the townhouse. The minute I start running I lose track of him, but at least I see which way he heads. Far off over a small hill I notice a large pond. That is, I think it’s a pond. It’s hard to tell with everything covered in white.

  The sun might be out, but it’s still winter. Even with a balaclava, neck warmer, and more than enough cold weather compression layers, the winter wind is still biting at my skin. I trudge forward, hitting the sweet spot in my pace. Finally rounding the bend, I see Aspen frolicking in the open field of fresh white snow.

  Then, the damn dog catches a glimpse of a group of girls skating on the pond about a quarter of a mile up the path. I can hear their laughter echoing through the open park, and evidently, Aspen does, too. All covered in white, his nose shoots up from the snow. He turns his head in their direction and takes off running.

  “Aspen! No!” I shout.

  He keeps running, as do I, to try to stop him before he does any damage. I’ll have to remind myself later to tell my brother he needs to get this dog trained at some point. As Aspen is rubbing his nose against all the girls’ legs, I finally catch up, seeing them laugh at his antics. He really is a big ham when he needs to be, and he loves the attention.

  I quickly come to a halt in my jog and walk closer to the girls, pulling my neck warmer below my chin so I can talk. I hear one of the girls in the group ask, “Seriously, you again?” My eyes shoot over to her as she pulls down her oversized scarf from her face.

  How in the world is this even possible?

  I close the gap between us, since the chances of me ever running into her again were slim, but she stands here assessing me with her eyes. Then, it dawns on me that I’m wearing my tighter than normal base layers, and she can ultimately see every angle of my body. I wasn’t exactly dressing for meeting people today when I threw on my running gear. Had I known, I might have thrown on an extra layer to hide my junk. Who am I kidding? It’s not exactly like I’ve been out picking up chicks recently, but I’ll never hide what I’ve been given if it helps attract them.

  Pulling myself from my thoughts, I glance around and notice the other girls staring at me as well. The air is thick with awkwardness. The only sounds heard between the stares are Aspen shuffling about and the birds off in the distance. Just as I’m about to move closer, she moves at the same time, losing her balance.

  My instant reaction propels my arms out in front of me to grab her before she falls. Shit. What is her name? You have her damn roller derby flyer still in your work coat, stupid. Stacey? Sandy? Wait. No, it’s Sam. Yes? Holy shit, I’m bad with names. Yes, I remember Sammy Sweet Cheeks.

  Sam flinches slightly, and I suddenly recall she had a shoulder injury the last time I saw her. As I’m about to ask her if she’s all right, I feel the other sets of eyes burning holes through me.

  Once I know Sam is not going to fall over, I eye the other girls and say, “Sorry about Aspen. He’s my brother’s dog. I’m just kinda watching him for a while. Clearly, I’m not doing a good job.” I realize these girls have no idea who I am. I continue to introduce myself and extend my hand toward them. “Oh, sorry, I’m Josh.”

  None of them say anything until Sam speaks up to introduce them, pointing to each one as she says, “These are my roommates and teammates, Rose, Kim, and Lucy.”

  They all smile and shake my hand as I ask, “Oh, so you are all…what was it? Oh, yeah. C-Naughties, right?” I laugh because it really is the craziest name I’ve ever heard.

  I look up at Sam to confirm I’m correct, but she just stares at me. Her mouth is hanging open as though I said something wrong. The rest of the girls say something amo
ngst themselves and take off back onto the ice. Aspen follows along with them, obviously not getting into any more trouble as he chases the snowballs the girls toss away from him.

  I glance back at Sam. “Did I say something wrong?” I ask.

  Sam snaps out from whatever she was thinking about and looks up to my eyes. Her cheeks are raw from the cold, but it doesn’t take away from her warm brown eyes. God, those eyes. She reaches up to adjust her sling, recoiling just enough for me to know she must still be in pain.

  “Did you hurt your shoulder again, just now?” I ask as I move closer.

  She chuckles softly as her face grimaces slightly. “Not any more than when a hospital door slammed into it.”

  Aw, shit. “Yeah, I still feel bad about that. I was having a bad night, and then you were there wearing…shit, I don’t even know how to describe your outfit. I was a little taken back. Normally, I’m more attentive to hurt people. It’s a force of habit in my job.”

  “Oh, yeah. You’re a cop, right? Do you work around here?”

  “Yeah, state police barracks over in Andover. I just moved up here a couple of weeks ago. I transferred from Boston.”

  “So, do you live around here, too?”

  “Maybe a half mile from downtown.”

  She hesitates as if not knowing if she should say what she’s thinking, but she says it anyway. “You’re close to us, too. Our place is about a fifteen-minute walk in that direction.”

  Aspen comes rushing back over, and I realize I really should get him back to my parents’ house and start getting ready for work.

  “Hey, listen. I still feel bad for that night I ran into you. Since you live close, do you think I can make it up to you sometime this week? Take you out for a drink or something? Maybe you can tell me more about this roller derby stuff. I’m not busy Wednesday and Thursday.”

  She hesitates, and I almost sense fear of the unknown in her body language as she glances back at the girls still laughing and roughhousing on the ice. One of the heavier-set girls, Rose, I think, body slams another girl into a snow pile. Jesus. These girls are brutal. No wonder Sam ended up in the ER that night.

  “Um, yeah, sure, do you know the little place Vines downtown? If you want to meet me there Wednesday around six, I can do that.”

  “Wednesday at six. It’s a date,” I say jokingly.

  Was it a date? Could be.

  I thought for sure when Josh said tonight’s meeting was a date I was going to pass out. All the color had to have drained from my face. I’m glad I had several layers on because he never saw my body trembling from the turmoil inside me.

  As I sit on the park bench, I watch him take off running back the way he came with Aspen in tow. No sooner is Josh out of sight do all the girls come rushing over to get the scoop on him. I am bombarded with about a million questions, and Lucy is saying if I don’t want him, she’ll gladly take him for a spin.

  I explain everything from the night at the emergency room. Kim thinks it’s fate that I was there, and the fact that I ran into him again a second time confirms her speculation. I am skeptical about meeting him at all. Josh is hot. There is no doubt about that, but there are so many thoughts spiraling out of control in my head.

  Rose sits next to me on the bench and holds my quivering hand before she looks me in the eyes and says, “He’s not Stone.” I know he isn’t Stone, but the idea of opening up again to a guy is such a foreign thing now. She continues to hold my hand, saying, “Sam, he seems like a good guy, and he’s a cop. If anything, he’ll protect you.”

  Protect me. Do I want someone to protect me? Something tells me I’m stronger than that. I have to be. I need to fight my internal battles that wage a war with my emotions. I have to finally heal after all these years and move forward, regardless if that threat is still out there.

  Now, sitting here days later, getting ready in my bedroom for my night with Josh, I feel calm as I live in the moment. I refuse to allow my past to have any effect on my future. I have to; I can’t be scared all my life.

  While I apply my mascara, my foot taps against the floor as I keep my nerves in check, listening to the song pumping through the speakers. I see my phone light up on the vanity next to me. After reading the name on the screen, I turn down the volume and turn on the speakerphone.

  “Hi, Mom!”

  “Hey, sweetie. Just calling to say hello and see how everything is going? Are you healing all right?”

  “Things are good. My shoulder is better, and I won’t need the sling much longer. I should be back out on the track really soon.” Shit. Here it comes.

  “Sam, you know your father and I worry about the stuff you girls do in the derby. Are you sure that’s a good idea to continue after what happened in practice?”

  My mom and dad support me, but after they came up to my first bout two years ago and saw me fly headfirst into the crowd, well, they haven’t been back since. Needless to say, they have seen their only daughter hurt enough already. I try to avoid talking about the derby injuries with them as much as possible, but Drew tends to have a loose mouth and word gets to them anyway.

  Sighing as I continue to apply the rest of my makeup, I reply, “Mom, you don’t have to worry. I’m good. Everything is good.”

  “Are you working tonight?” she asks, even though she has known my schedule for years.

  “Yeah, I’m heading over there in a little bit.”

  “How’s the new assistant manager working out?” She’s always inquisitive and trying to push me to meet a nice guy.

  “Brian is great. He knows his shit. It will be good to have a little extra time with him taking over a few nights for me soon.”

  “Is he good-looking?” And, here we go.

  “Mom.” I warn her with my tone.

  “What? Can’t a mother ask if her daughter is ever going to date again?” She refuses to acknowledge Stone’s existence, but she’s still kept in the loop since my dad helped handle my case. However, because he couldn’t represent me in the state of Massachusetts, he had to relinquish that duty to his second-hand girl in the Boston office. Patrick Daley isn’t a huge lawyer in Connecticut, but he has connections all over New England because he attended Suffolk University Law School. Davis & Daley, LLC., is a small law firm, but they hold their own against some of the biggest lawyers out there.

  I wonder if I ought to tell my mom about meeting Josh tonight; I can’t see the harm in mentioning it since she has been pushing lately. Plus, is our meeting at the bar I manage really that much of a date?

  Placing my lip-gloss back onto my vanity, I respond, “If you’re that curious, you should know I’m actually meeting a guy at Vines tonight. All I’m going to tell you is we met by accident a couple of times, and he’s a cop who just moved to town. It’s just a couple of drinks, so don’t get too excited.”

  “Sweetie, that’s fantastic! I’m so happy for you, Sam. It’s time. I know you’re ready.”

  “Mom?” I struggle to find the words. “Tell me this is right. I hate thinking every one of them is like him.”

  “Whoever this guy is, Sam, he’s not him. Trust your heart, but listen to your mind. You’ll know if something is off. I love you.”

  “I love you too, Mom.”

  We say our goodbyes, and I promise to call her later and let her know how things went. Checking again in the mirror to make sure I appear presentable, I spot Lucy standing in my doorway. Slowly walking over to me, she gives me a slight smile and plays with my hair. It’s a habit for her, but she has always been the prettiest one in the house. I’ve been her guinea pig many nights as she primps, curls, and colors my hair. Her soft eyes meet mine, and she brings me in for a hug. “I’m so happy you’re finally doing this, Sam. It’s a huge step, but you’re ready. Have fun and take chances with him. Lord knows that cop is a fine piece of ass.”

  Parking my car in the lot across the street from the bar, I notice the open mic night and happy hour bustling inside. I’m early, so I expect to have some
extra time to make sure things are in order before sitting down with Josh.

  When I open the front door, my eyes do a double take. Sitting at the back of the bar talking to Cara are Nick and Josh. My questioning eyes move slowly with my feet through the crowd of people chatting. Sensing my arrival, Josh’s eyes move from his conversation to watch me as I approach.

  Cara comes running around the bar to me and grabs my elbows, shaking them softly. “Thank God, you’re here! Have you seen this place? It’s off the hook tonight. I can’t handle the crowd.” Josh must hear her and wonder how we know each other. I never mentioned to him that I manage the bar. I also have never mentioned to anyone that my parents own part of the place along with me.

  Once I settled after the trial, I needed something to keep me busy. With my degree and knowledge, I knew this was something I wanted to do. So, my parents helped fund the business to ensure I could live as worry-free as possible. From the looks of things right now, I made the right decision.

  I look up at Cara and back at Josh who is still staring at me with inquisitive eyes. Then, Nick turns his head to me, and everyone is now wondering how we all know each other.

  “Okay,” I say, turning my attention back to Cara. “Everything is fine. Have you called Brian to see if he could come in for a bit to help? He only lives a few miles away.”

  “But, you’re here. Aren’t you working tonight?” Cara asks before glancing to see me wearing dress pants, heels, and makeup. “Wait? It’s Wednesday, right? Why are you all dressed up?”

  Looking back at Josh, I see a confident smirk grow on his face before he takes a sip of his beer. “I’m meeting someone here,” I tell her.

  “Oh my gosh, Sam! You’ve got a date, and you didn’t tell me? I’m hurt. So, who’s the hottie?” Cara all but screams to the bar until one of the other waitresses grabs her attention as the drink orders pile up. “Ugh, tell me who this guy is while I get these drink orders done,” she says as she pulls me up to the bar. Shyly, I glance at Josh as he says something to Nick. He turns his attention back to me as I stand less than a foot away as Cara continues to probe, “What’s his name? What does he look like?” She sputters off the questions at a rapid pace, trying to stay on top of three beer taps being poured. Once she’s caught up, she comes back over since I’ve yet to answer any of them. Leaning against the bar and shaking her head at me, she asks, “So? Who is this mystery man?”