Hidden Barriers

by Sara Shirley

  I glance over to see Josh laughing before I break out in my own laughter because there is no way our encounters could be any more oddly put together. Kim said it was fate. I’m starting to think she might be onto something. As my laughter subsides, I look at Cara and nod my head toward Josh next to me.

  It takes her a moment to look between the two of us, but she figures it out once Nick slaps Josh on the back and lets out a full-bellied laugh. Cara’s eyes bug out of her head before she exclaims, “Him?!”

  Once everyone realizes I’m here to meet Sam, we retreat to a quiet corner at the back of the bar. Sam grabs a glass of white wine for herself and pours me a new pint before we settle on the sofa to talk. Nick and Cara keep shooting curious glances our way. Nick has heard me talk up this gorgeous brunette, who is now sitting beside me, all afternoon. Never in a million years did either of us expect her to be the bar manager.

  I place my beer onto the table in front of me before I lean back casually, placing my arm over the back of the sofa toward Sam. She appears to tense a little in her posture while holding her wine glass with a little more hardness than before I moved. Why is she so nervous? Scratching the day old stubble on my chin, I attempt to break the ice. “So, how long have you managed this place?”

  Sam lowers her wine glass from her lips before meeting my eyes. “Since the day it opened almost two years ago.”

  I thought she’d offer more information than that, but when her eyes move off to watch the crowd instead of me, I know I need to step up my game. I may be a little rusty in the wooing department, but girls never seem to have any issues talking to me. All the spunk and sass from the last couple of times I ran into Sam are not showing tonight, and I need to find out why.

  Clutching my beer, I take a long chug back and rest it on my knee before asking my next question, “How do you manage this place and roller derby at the same time? Seems like a lot for a girl to handle.”

  Her eyes shoot up to me, and I know I’ve got that sassy attitude bubbling to the surface. “I’ll have you know I manage both just fine. Not that it’s any of your business, but I make my own hours here to accommodate the derby season. Derby isn’t a full-time sport. It’s an alternative lifestyle. One I wouldn’t expect you to understand. Jerk.”

  And, she’s back.

  Chuckling, I take a sip of my beer. “What?” she asks, annoyed.

  “I was wondering when the sassy chick I met was going to show up. Don’t take this the wrong way, Sam, but the girl I met at the hospital doesn’t fit the wine bar image. What gives?”

  She sighs as she takes a long sip of her wine, and I know she’s hesitant about telling anything about herself. For whatever reason, I still haven’t quite put my finger on. Leaning forward to place my beer back onto the table, I grab her wine glass from her and put it next to my glass. I turn back to reach for her hands as she watches me with trepidation. Seriously, why is she so scared of me?

  The minute my hands make contact with hers, she pulls back. What the fuck? Throwing my hands up as I sit back up, I say, “Sam, look, I’m sorry. I just want to get to know you better. You intrigue me. You can trust me, and right now it looks like you’re scared to death of me. Why?”

  Fear spreads across her face, and I try to comfort her the best I can. “If you’re willing to trust me, I promise no matter what happens between us, I’ll be your friend and help you. I’d never hurt you deliberately. I hope you know that much about me. It’s kind of a prerequisite of being a cop.” I extend my open hand to her as she contemplates trusting me. She takes one more long sip of her wine. She continues to tremble a bit, and I know whatever is troubling her has to be really bad.

  “I’m going to grab another drink,” she says. Standing, she makes her way back to behind the bar. I watch as she pulls a bottle of white wine from the fridge before turning my attention back to the bar patrons. The one thing that captures my attention is the open mic singer currently hypnotizing us with her own version of “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails.

  I run my hands through my hair and realize Sam has been gone for a few minutes. Glancing over, I see she is no longer at the bar. She was acting extremely apprehensive and distant before she left me.

  I look around the bar, but she’s nowhere to be found. I grab my empty glass from the table and make my way over to the bar where Cara and Nick are still talking. Cara sees me coming toward them, and I slide the dirty glass down the bar to her.

  “Hey, Cara, have you seen Sam?” I ask, still looking around for her.

  Cara stops pouring the beer order and scans the crowd. “She might have gone back into her office. Is everything okay?”

  “I’m not sure. Is it all right if I go back to check on her?”

  “Sure, go ahead. You’re the cop. I’m not saying no. Just go through those doors over there. Her office is the last door on the left.”

  “Thanks, Cara.”

  Making my way through the doors and down the hall, I hear the faint sounds of sniffling coming from her office. The second I get to her door, I knock and slowly push it open. What the fuck? I see her huddled in the corner on the floor with her arms wrapped around her legs as she continues to shake.

  “Sam?” Her eyes come up, and pain shows over her entire face.

  Being a state trooper, I’ve had mainly road coverage in my career. I’ve never had much training with domestic situations. Had I been on the local police squad, I probably would be able to understand her situation a little more. This is more up Nick’s alley, not mine. The only thing I can offer is to possibly help her by listening to her. Lord knows this has been my month for taking care of crying women. What I wouldn’t give to have my mom here to help me right about now. She’d know for sure how I should handle this.

  Considering my immediate departure from the lounge and my incessant panic attack, I can only assume I should have pulled the bottle of Jack from the bar instead of grabbing the bottle of wine out of the fridge. Why did I ever think I could possibly explain to Josh what happened to me?

  I need to know if I am really truly ready to move on, I guess, and see if a relationship with another man could happen again. If this is the result after my first step in that direction, I’m totally screwed. The look on Josh’s face said it all. He probably thinks I have too much shit in my past that it’s not worth it. Honestly, I wouldn’t blame him.

  A soft knock sounds at my door, but I don’t look up from the corner I’ve sunk myself on the floor. I continue chugging back the bottle of wine. Nothing about this is classy at the moment. How can I face whoever knows I’m back here? Then, I hear Josh’s voice. Glancing up through my watering eyes, I see him standing in the doorway. The uncertainly in his eyes is barely noticeable, but there just the same. I know he has no idea whether to comfort me or run the other way. Shit. I withdrew almost instantly when he touched my hands earlier.

  “Sam, please tell me what I can do to help,” he says as he slowly walks over and crouches down to my level. His hand reaches out to probably push the hair from my face, but he thinks better of it and pulls it back just as fast. What I wouldn’t give to have that connection again. To be able to feel a lover’s arms around me without fear. I have to find a way. Stone has already taken my past. He will not take my future, too.

  Lifting my head, I choke back the sobs raking through me. I run my fingers under my watery, bloodshot eyes, watching as Josh sits cross-legged on the floor in front of me.

  “You must really think I’m a complete basket case, huh?” I ask through sniffles.

  Josh clears his throat and looks up at me. “What I see is a strong, beautiful woman who has a past. A past she probably desperately wants to move on from. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, though. We all have something in our past that makes us re-evaluate our future.”

  I take a deep breath and stifle back the last of my tears. “Josh, do you have any idea how much I wish I could just be normal? To be able to feel love again with someone? But, this is who I am, and I have no idea if I
’m fixable anymore. I wouldn’t blame you if you went running for that door and never came back after tonight.”

  “Is that a challenge? Because if it is, you certainly ran into the right fuckin’ guy, Sam.”

  “Huh?”

  “You say you think I’ll run away, that you aren’t fixable. I call your bullshit. There’s a tough-as-nails fighter deep within that soul of yours. I’ve seen her.”

  “Josh—”

  He quickly interrupts me, “No, Sam, listen. I know being close to me or any guy is a challenge for you. I can totally understand someone who has doubts, but that’s your past. I’m here when you want to tell me what happened.” He pauses. “What do you see for your future? Because if you haven’t noticed yet, I’m still here, and whether it’s as a friend or something more, I’ll help you.”

  As I watch him push himself up off the floor, I crane my neck to look into his eyes. “Josh, why would you do this for me? We just met.”

  Leaning back against my office desk, he shoves his hands into his pockets. “Well, it’s still early, and I have the rest of the night open. So, you choose. Stay here and call it a night with your bottle of wine, or you can get up off that floor and head across the street with me and grab some pizza and then we can get to know each other. What’s it gonna be?”

  Slowly making his way over to me, he reaches out a single hand in my direction, willing me to grab it and push aside my fear. My fingers curl back just slightly, but I have to fight my inner demons. Stone cannot have my future. Suck it up, Sam! Take his hand and tell your fears to go fuck off.

  I reach out with a trembling hand and hesitantly inch closer to his outstretched arm. He doesn’t make any move to grab my hand. You can do this, Sam. Finally, I push my hand into his, and my body shudders as he softly clasps around it.

  “I’m not going to hurt you, Sam. You have my word,” he says before I push up off the floor with my other hand until I’m standing beside him. My eyes never leave his, and I know I see things I’ve never seen before. Hope. Desire. Strength. All the things I need to find within my soul and he might be the guy to help me with that. He’s still standing here with you. It takes a minute to register, but I notice my hand is no longer trembling, and my body isn’t retracting from his touch. Running his thumb over my knuckles, he asks, “Are you ready for dinner, or are you staying here?”

  I shake my head, saying, “I’ve had enough of this office. Let’s get out of here.”

  I’m walking back to the townhouse a little while after leaving Sam at her car and ensuring she would make it home safely. A part of me wanted to stay in the pizza shop and talk to her all night, but I could see her wearing thin. I tried keeping the conversation light, but I knew after how the date began, that would be difficult. The entire night had been mentally exhausting for both of us.

  Instead, we talked about random nonsense for nearly two hours, including how she came about running Vines and being on the roller derby team. She beamed from ear to ear when she mentioned her parents, Patrick and Corrine Daley, but nothing compared to how much she discussed her brother Drew, who is currently assisting at her father’s law firm. With soft eyes, she spoke of how she admired him for his strength and courage when he decided to enter into the Marine Corps.

  Sam asked about how I managed to get into the state police force and how my family continues to handle the stress of me being on the force. Truthfully, I told her it had never crossed my mind. Being a trooper was just something I had always planned on becoming. I’m sure my mom and dad worry. Who wouldn’t? I couldn’t tell her about my decision to let Sue go all those years ago. It wasn’t the right time, so I touched upon the rest of my crazy family. I told Sam about Jeremy and Emily and their inability to see what was right in front of them and Courtney and her free spirit.

  Then, she was curious as to why I was at Mass General Hospital that night weeks ago. I never intended to lie to her; it’s not my nature. Rather than rehashing the truth about Sue, I only openly confessed how Jeremy’s girlfriend was in a horrific car accident after winning the US Figure Skating Championship, and I just happened to be the officer first on scene. There was a look of both adoration and sadness in Sam’s eyes as I went on to describe Jeremy’s love for Emily and having to leave for his professional hockey career and leaving Emily behind. I explained how my family was still helping her in the recovery process and how I had volunteered to pick up Aspen the other day to relieve her.

  I saw Sam mentally withstand the simple act of reaching across to rest her hand on mine.

  You would have thought touching me was toxic. I can’t even imagine not being able to hug, touch, or love another person.

  Love. Could I love again?

  That thought has been festering in my mind since I watched Sam drive away. Snowflakes are falling at a slow pace as I make my way up the front path to the townhouse. The television flickers through the living room as I walk through the front door. After dropping my keys onto the table near the door, I hang up my coat on the hook.

  From the living room, I hear Nick. “So, how did the date go with Sam?”

  Walking into the living room before sitting on the sofa across from him, I struggle to find the right words. “The girl fascinates me. I could have stayed longer with her, but we gave each other our numbers and said we’d catch up soon.” Between her schedule and mine, we weren’t able to plan another date night this week. I know where she works now, and I told her I’d drop in when I wasn’t working or helping at my parents’ house.

  Shortly after leaving the pizza shop with Josh, my phone buzzes as I pull into my driveway. I notice it’s a text message from Drew.

  Mom called. What’s this I hear about you having a date tonight?

  Shit. I knew Mom would tell him, and he’d freak once he found out. Not once have I actively dated in almost three years. I should have known Drew would go into protective mode on me. I send him a response.

  Yes & no- We’re kinda just getting to know one another right now. Don’t worry. I’m home now.

  My phone buzzes again seconds later.

  Should I worry about this guy?

  Typing back, I answer.

  Nah, I got this. Plus, he’s a cop.

  More buzzing. Grrrr.

  No shit! Call me later. I need to hear all about how this guy got my sis to go out on a date.

  Waking up the following morning, I feel refreshed. Rejuvenated. It’s almost as though just talking to Josh lifted so much off my shoulders. None of my therapists from years ago ever made me feel this at ease. A man I just met seems to have all the power to bring a smile to my face.

  After reaching for my phone on the nightstand, I hold down the button to turn it on. I had to turn it off for once. Normally, I keep that sucker on day and night in case of an emergency, but Drew was blowing up my phone with text messages, and I just couldn’t take any more interrogation.

  As I’m stretching out in the warmth of my bed, I notice more snow falling outside my bedroom window again. Will it ever stop this winter? I’m so ready for spring at this point. Spring means derby season begins, and the New England summer outdoor activities will be in full swing. Lazy days at the beach, backyard barbecues, and lots of ice cream.

  My phone chimes next to me, taking me away from my summertime dreams. Those are probably the remaining texts from Drew that I couldn’t handle last night. Sure enough, as I pull up the screen, three are from Drew. It’s the last one that has me propping myself up in bed to make sure I’m reading it correctly.

  Here’s a question I forgot to ask you last night. How did you get the name Sammy

  Sweet Cheeks?

  I’m uncertain if I was the first thing he thought of as he woke up this morning, but the thought of him thinking of me at all warms my heart. He’s a good guy, Sam. Chuckling to myself, I type my response to Josh.

  Good Morning 2 U! Sammy Sweet Cheeks was born when the C-Naughties found out about my slight sweet tooth. OK! Not so slight.

  Just
as I’m about to place my phone back onto the nightstand, it starts ringing. Pulling it back over, I see the caller ID and answer it. “Hello,” I say softly.

  Josh’s deep laugh filters through the speaker. “So, how ‘not so slight’ are we talking on this sweet tooth?” he playfully asks.

  I hold my hand over my mouth, trying to suppress my laughter. As serious as possible, I say, “Well, it depends. I’ve been banned from any party that has a chance of there being a candy buffet bar. I’ve been told my mouth can hold a lot of things—” I hear the sounds of coughing on the other end of the line. “Are you okay over there?”

  “Oh, yeah. Just perfect. But, going forward, you should know I have a twisted mind and can be known to take things out of context. I wasn’t expecting you to start talking about your mouth.”

  “If I could have finished my sentence, I was going to say my mouth can hold a lot of things at once…marshmallows, ice cream, jelly beans, caramel, nuts…” Shit. “Don’t you even dare go there!” I warn him.

  “Now who has the twisted mind? I wasn’t going to say anything about you taking nuts in your mouth,” Josh teases. Sighing, I curl back into my comforter, thinking of Josh’s simple ability to make me laugh and be at ease around him. I yawn loudly. Even though I have been awake for a while, I still haven’t had my coffee yet. Josh must have heard me as he asks, “I didn’t wake you, did I?”