Hidden Barriers

by Sara Shirley

  Josh wets his lips before mouthing, “Save me.” I make my way through the kitchen in his direction. As I reach him, Rose backs away toward the kitchen with the others.

  “Hey, what was that all about?” I ask as I point over my shoulder to Rose.

  “Oh, you know, first I had to get through Drew, and now apparently, I’m going to be tied naked to the back of my Jeep and dragged until my balls are blue and frostbit if I so much as hurt you,” he says straight-faced. “Between Drew and your derby sister over there, I’ve been threatened enough in the past week that I’m afraid to even look at you without losing my dick.”

  I love Rose, but how can I move forward with my life if everyone is scaring Josh away from me? I hold back my sudden urge to go to battle with my roommate, since I would much rather get this night started and see where it’s headed.

  Turning back to grab my purse, I eye my girls before hugging them all goodbye. “Don’t wait up for me,” I say with a wink.

  Lucy looks at me, as I’m about to turn away, and says, “Should I get my earplugs tonight?”

  “Lucy…” I draw out in warning. “I’m pretty sure tonight is not going to involve anything like that.”

  “You never know. You’re a hot, sexy mess, and sweet Jesus, just look at him. My mouth is watering over here just thinking about what could lie beneath those clothes. If you don’t want him, I’ll surely take him off your hands,” Lucy says as she continues to ogle Josh.

  “Behave Lucy or I’ll be forced to hurt you during practice tomorrow.”

  “Seriously, can you have him stop by here sometime in his uniform?” Lucy all but begs before I give her an evil glare. “I’m sorry. I’ll behave,” she says, sulking.

  Glancing back up toward Josh, I see him checking his watch. Thinking we must have a certain place to be, I hastily make my way over to him. “Ready?” I ask as I continue walking toward the door to grab my coat.

  “Yeah, I’m starving, and I’ve got plans for us afterwards, so we should get a move on it.”

  “Where are we going?”

  Once my coat is tightly wrapped around me, Josh hustles over to open the front door for me as he waves to the girls who are still in the kitchen. “Nice seeing you all again. Oh, Rose, don’t worry. You won’t have to see my nuts.”

  “Aw, c’mon. I wanna see.” I hear Lucy whine as I continue walking to Josh’s Jeep. I giggle to myself. Yeah, I love my little horny roommate.

  Chuckling as he shuts the door behind him, he makes his way over to open the car door for me. “You look incredible by the way,” Josh says as I step up into the Jeep, carefully maneuvering in my heels. The snow might have melted significantly this past week, but everything is still slick around here. The last thing I need to do is take another tumble in front of Josh.

  Sliding into the driver’s side, Josh buckles in and starts up the Jeep. “Okay, so you have a few choices tonight for dinner. Burgers, seafood, or Italian?” he asks, shifting toward me.

  “Hmmm. I do love Italian food, but I’m really a burger and beer kind of chick,” I say, wondering if he was thinking I’d be one to choose the more expensive option.

  “Seriously? First, pizza, and now, burgers? You really are trying to break my bank account, aren’t you?” He laughs while shaking his head in amusement.

  “Have you been paying attention to me at all since you met me?” I ask with a mock wounded expression on my face.

  “Listen, you. Keep that up and I’ll be forced to kick your ass later after dinner.”

  I take a long swallow, knowing he didn’t mean anything behind his words. I rest my hand on my stomach, controlling the nerves threatening to ruin another night for me. Bending my neck to look at him as he continues to drive, I inquire, “Where are we going after dinner?”

  “You’ll see, sugar. Don’t worry. It’ll be fun.”

  “Sugar?” I question the pet name. He shrugs his shoulders as if he had no idea where it came from. “I kinda like it, but if you so much as say it in front of the derby girls, I will have to hurt you.”

  I don’t know where things went wrong, but somehow my perfectly planned night went to shit quickly after dinner. Sam and I were enjoying burgers and beers at a local joint called Conundrum. Since she is such a candy freak, I figured a place that boasts over fifty different types of burgers would excite her as well. Not so much. Fifty fuckin’ different burger variations and thirty beers on tap and what does she order? A plain cheeseburger with pickles, spicy fries, and a light beer.

  Things were still going well at that point. We talked about everything from Jeremy coming home next week to my parents, her parents, and her college days. I asked her what made her decide to move up to this area after college, and something went amiss. She was still physically there having a conversation with me, doing the normal “date” thing, but her eyes told me another story.

  I thought I needed to move on with the second half of our date; maybe things would get better. We had connected in the past few weeks, and I knew there was something that prevented her from being physically involved with me, but still couldn’t bring myself to ask the question, even if that meant fixing the problem currently at hand.

  Then, I assumed going bowling would be fun. I mean, who the hell doesn’t like to bowl? Sam was into roller derby, so I figured it was kind of the same atmosphere. We arrived at the bowling alley, and her eyes sparkled with delight. Fine, all was well and good. I kicked her ass for the entire first string. She claimed she had to go easy because of her shoulder. It was a nice excuse and most likely a valid one.

  At the top of the hour, the bowling alley switched over to night bowling, and the place was lit up with disco balls and illuminated lights. We started the second string, and as she waited for the pins to reset, Sam bent over at her waist while stretching out her arms to the floor. My mind went into overdrive, and I couldn’t stop it. Her perfect ass was right there in front of me, and I didn’t think. I just acted.

  I stood behind her as my dick got antsy in my jeans and grabbed her waist and pulled her tightly into me. I intended on tickling her in hopes of showing her I was just being playful and flirty. I thought she’d be into it, but I managed to get the exact opposite.

  Sam freaked out. Like, I’m talking straight up screamed, elbowed, and kicked as she tried to get away from me. Once she freed herself from my embrace, she ran for her bag and right into the ladies’ room. Everyone stared, and management came over to see what had happened. I explained everything was under control, but I knew it was well beyond that.

  I don’t even remember how much time passed, but once Sam exited the bathroom, appearing overcome and exhausted, she switched out of her bowling shoes and back into her heels. I followed her and did the same. She never made eye contact, even when she uttered, “I need you to take me home, now.”

  I drove all the way to her house in silence. The minute I parked the Jeep she made haste and ran for the front door before I even turned off the engine. I kept the engine running as I caught up to her before she got inside. My voice was etched in panic as I asked, “Sam, tell me what I did wrong? Please. You won’t talk to me. How can I fix this if I don’t know what’s wrong?”

  She held her house keys in her hands as she spoke the last words I’ve heard from her in almost two days. “Josh, I can’t tell you how to fix things when I don’t even know how to fix me. Maybe this wasn’t meant to work out between us. I think maybe we ought to just be friends for now until I can figure things out.”

  “Don’t do this. Not like this. Can I at least call you?” I pleaded and begged to no avail.

  She said, “No.”

  It’s been days now since I’ve had any contact with Sam, and it’s killing me. My only saving grace is that I’ve drowned myself in work and picked up an extra detail shift to avoid actually having any interaction with everyone. I missed Sunday dinner with my family again, which pissed off Mom, especially when I told her last minute that I picked up a shift at work. Courtney sent
me a text, since I wasn’t answering my phone anymore, that basically said stop being a douche and grow a pair.

  I may be closing in on twenty-nine, but I’m still scared shitless of my little sister. I don’t want to face her questions regarding my date with Sam that I know she will ask. I honestly just don’t even know how to answer them right now.

  Nick has gone by Vines and said he saw her working there one night, but she didn’t say anything to him. When I was forced to explain the night’s events, Nick couldn’t even form words. All he could think of was exactly what I’d been saying for days now. Sam had experienced some kind of traumatic event in her life.

  At this point, I’m a complete frustrated mess. I have no idea what Sam wants, and if she doesn’t open up to me, I can’t be the one to push her. She needs to sort out her shit, whatever it is. Call me a jerk and every other name in the book, but I know I’m right. Right? Or is that my only reasoning for driving out of my way again today to fuck Tarryn?

  I have absolutely no idea where Sam and I stand, but my mind continues to tell me I shouldn’t head to Tarryn’s. I should be working out this shit with Sam instead, but I can’t if I don’t know how. This could very well be the reason why I have always turned to sex with random women throughout the years. It’s easier to move on to the next bed than it is to deal with the cattiness of a clingy woman.

  Tarryn was pissed that I stood her up the last time I texted her, but whatever. I drove all the way down here, did what I had to do, and got my rocks off. The smell of cheap sex and used condom still infiltrate my Jeep as I drive home. Slamming my palm against the steering wheel, I think how completely fucked up my life is at the moment.

  I never in a million years thought I could want a woman so unattainable as Sam, and yet, here I am leaving the house of another woman I just fucked. I can’t do it anymore. I have to find a way to get my life on track and not turn to casual sex when things get rough. I need to make this work somehow with Sam and get rid of Tarryn in the process.

  Pinching the bridge of my nose, I contemplate making the phone call just to hear her voice. Fuck it. I don’t care if she told me not to call her. It was her face I imagined while I just got off inside another woman. I imagined her toned legs wrapped tightly around my hips, and the only sounds I could hear were her sultry moans of my name creeping from her lips. How cheap and low can I feel right now after that thought?

  Tapping on the speaker for the phone, I speak her name, and it starts ringing. After the fourth ring, she finally picks up.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey, Sam, I know you told me not to call you, but…”

  “Josh,” she says, and it sounds as if she’s crying. “I was going to call you. I—I—I need your help.”

  “What’s the matter? What do you need? Are you hurt?”

  I hear her sighing. “I can’t tell you over the phone. Can you come by the house?”

  “Yeah, of course, Sam. I just need to stop by my place and change, but I’ll be over.”

  “Thank you. And, Josh? I’m so sorry for the other night. I never meant…I mean, I didn’t mean what I said. What I need to tell you might make you understand me better.”

  “Please, don’t apologize. You did nothing wrong. When I get there, we’ll talk, okay? You want me to bring booze?”

  “Better bring Jack with you.”

  My eyes widen at this change of pace. This really can’t be good. “I’ll see you in a bit.”

  “Bye, Josh. Thanks.”

  “Anytime, Sam.”

  Everyone was driving me up a wall, telling me I needed to talk to someone besides my roommates about my inability to have a physical connection with a guy. I still had no idea why I went crazy when Josh came up behind me at the bowling alley. We were having a good time, and then the minute he touched me without my knowing, I went all RAD on his ass. Flashbacks flooded my mind, and the only thing I saw was Stone.

  I needed time to get this nightmare in my head in order. When I disappeared into the ladies’ room away from Josh, I thought about what needed to be done. The only thing I could do was separate myself from him.

  I called my mom the next morning from the sanctity of my bedroom, the only place I felt safe from the world. I sat wrapped in a cocoon of blankets at my bedroom window bench and watched as cardinals and chickadees fluttered about in the tree out in the yard. I listened to my mom tell me that it might be time to start talking out my fears from my past. This meant rehashing all my shit with my roommates about what was going on in my head.

  Although it was comforting to know my mom would always be there for me if I needed her, she told me I also needed to find a way to tell Josh what happened. The longer I keep him in the dark, the more I will push him away, and unless I want to continue to live my life single and unhappy, I need to do this.

  She is right. I need to tell him. I truly do want to have a normal relationship with him, but tiptoeing around him constantly isn’t the way to start off. If he had known the truth upfront, we might not have had the ending to our date like we did.

  I’ve spent the past few days talking to Drew, my roommates, and even my lawyer from Dad’s office. With Stone’s parole hearing coming up next week, it’s apparent that is the source of more stress and anxiety in my head.

  Drew convinced me of what Mom had already said. I need to talk to Josh. Tell him my thoughts. If I truly want our connection to deepen into something more, I need to open up to him. Face my fears head on, regardless of Stone’s parole outcome. Drew said he would handle working with the lawyers in the Boston office for the next week and keep me informed, but that I needed to live my life.

  I have been sitting here wondering how to approach the subject with Josh for a while now. I wasn’t sure he would even speak to me. I told him not to call me, but I never actually thought he would do as I asked. He hasn’t even been in with Nick to Vines, which means either he is moving on or just avoiding me.

  The only way to know for sure is to call him. As if the gods above heard my thoughts and took matters into their own hands, my phone begins ringing on my nightstand. Turning off the hypnotizing voices of The Wailin’ Jennys that’s been on repeat for what seems like hours, I glance at the caller ID and read Josh’s name on the screen.

  It’s time to face your fears, Sam. You have to tell him.

  After sliding my finger across the screen, I bring the phone to my ear. “Hey.”

  We continue to talk briefly before deciding it would be best if he were to stop by the house so I can tell him my story face-to-face. Before hanging up, the words “Anytime, Sam” pass over his lips, and I have to believe there is still hope for us yet.

  A little over an hour later, I hear the sounds of tires pulling up in the driveway. Glancing out my bay window, I see Josh making his way to the front door, brown paper bag in hand. Lucy is the only other person home with me tonight, so when the doorbell chimes, I hear her yell, “I got it!”

  The other two girls are at derby practice. Lucy and I have the night off since we are on the “B” team. Kim and Rose secured their places on the all-star team last year, and they train more since they are part of the traveling derby team that competes nationally. Usually on these nights when it’s just Lucy and me, we find some chick flick and order Chinese while she does my hair in some crazy updo.

  Tonight is not one of those nights. After I told the girls about my situation with Stone’s parole and everything that happened with Josh, they understood I needed to get my crap together, and I had to work quickly, too. Opening day for roller derby was in a couple of weeks.

  I hear a brief commotion coming from downstairs before footsteps on the stairs announce Josh’s arrival. Standing in my doorway, he takes in my room before his eyes seek out mine. As he takes a few steps inside the room, I watch as he slowly places the brown bag of liquor onto the bureau next to the bedroom door before taking off his jacket. He looks freshly showered, and his hair appears slightly wet. It’s not my place to ask where he was comi
ng from when he called. All that matters is that he called, and he’s here now.

  “Hey, can I come in?” he asks as he slowly makes his way over to my window bench where I’ve been sitting contemplating the words that need to be said. I nod silently in approval as he stands just feet away from me.

  “I’m glad you called. I hope I didn’t interrupt your plans for the night,” I say, standing and tossing my blankets back behind me.

  “No, I was just heading home anyway,” he admits as he sits on the opposite end of the window bench.

  Walking toward my closet, I pull out a fleece pullover before grabbing the Jack and walking over to the window. I sit opposite of Josh and pull my feet underneath me while the Jack sits on the floor next to me. “Josh, I feel as though I need to apologize for my actions the other night. I should have never let you leave like that, not knowing…” How do I even form this explanation? Reaching out his hands, he cautiously links his fingers over my hand. “See, this is what I mean. You shouldn’t have to be so worried about touching me or wondering how I’m going to react, whether I’ll freak out, or if I’ll be okay like I was in your bedroom that night we first kissed. I have to try harder to get past things, but you have to know how I feel about you before I tell you what I need to. Because once I tell you my story, you may not want to hear anything more from me.”

  “Sam.” He slowly runs his hands along my arms. “Whatever you need to tell me, I’ll listen. However you feel about me, you have to understand first and foremost, that you are on my mind so much these days, I find it hard to think about anything else. I only hope that you feel the same about me. I’m willing to get to know you, and if you say the word, I’ll be yours and only yours. I’ll help you work through whatever continues to trouble you, but you can’t keep backing away from me. Understood?”