Hidden Barriers

by Sara Shirley

  “I know. Truly I know,” I say as I reach out to rest my palm against his warm cheek. “I want you and me without any doubt. I mean, look at you. Any girl would be out of her mind to not want you. Shit, I’m shocked Lucy wasn’t humping your leg once you walked through the door.” I chuckle at the thought because she probably would, since she’s our resident female horn dog.

  Reaching up to place his hand over mine on his face, Josh whispers, “It’s not Lucy I want. I want you. I want you like I’ve never wanted another living soul, and it’s so fucked up because I’ve only just met you. But, for some unknown reason, I can’t help but think we were destined to meet that night in the hospital.”

  “I know. I sometimes feel the same thing, but I’m sure you’ve already figured out I have something else that can hinder us being together. When I tell you, I need you to let me tell you everything without you interrupting me. I need you to promise me that much.”

  “I promise, Sam, but I’m getting a little nervous now.”

  “That’s exactly why I asked you to bring this little guy,” I say, picking up the bottle of Jack and shaking it in the air. “You better crack him open. We’re both gonna need it.”

  Sam continues to pour the shots of Jack into the glasses I pulled from my coat pocket. Lucy handed them to me when she saw the brown paper bag I carried in. It was almost as though she knew what Sam needed to tell me. When Sam is done pouring, she hands me my glass and raises hers in the air before slamming it back.

  “There aren’t many people who know my story, but everyone keeps telling me it’s time to move on. It’s going to take every ounce of this bottle of Jack for me to get this out. If you and I are going to move forward in any kind of relationship, even if it’s only just as friends, you need to know why I am the way that I am.”

  What the hell happened to her? I ask myself that question right before she continues to speak as she looks at nothing through her windows for the next hour.

  While listening to Sam discuss in vivid detail how her ex-boyfriend all but killed her and how he might be out of jail soon, I am beyond words. I just met her, and yet, I can feel her pain with every word she speaks through tears and shudders. So many times I am tempted to grab her and wrap her in my arms, but can’t. As she retells the final moment before she blacked out and how her own brother was the one to save her, I can’t fathom what would be running through my own mind if that were my sister.

  Scratch that. I know exactly what I would do. I’d kill him myself.

  I understand so much more now. I realize why Drew is incredibly protective of me dating Sam, and why at the very touch of my body to hers, she’s unable to fully recognize that I’m not one of the bad guys. After two more shots of Jack, I’ve shed as many tears as Sam, and I just want to hold her in my arms and tell her I’ll protect her with all my being.

  After several minutes of sitting in silence, Sam peers over at me. Her tender hand reaches over to touch my own. “Talk to me, please.”

  Rubbing my other hand along the back of my neck, I stare back into her imploring eyes and shake my head as everything is still processing. “Fuck, Sam. I had no idea it was that bad. I had an idea something had happened, but not that, and it wasn’t my place to ask. After our date last week, I didn’t know. I mean, I wasn’t sure about us, but now it makes sense. I’m so sorry. You have to forgive me for…” I can’t finish the sentence. I can’t tell her what I did just hours ago. Not tonight. Tonight I need to just help her.

  “How can you be sorry? I’m the one who kept everything hidden from you about my past. How could you know what I needed?” she says without hesitation. “Josh, tell me we can still try to make this work between us. I know I’ve pushed you away so much, and call me selfish, but I want you in my life. There is something that makes my stomach twist in knots and my heart race whenever you’re around, and then another part of you brings a comfort to me that I don’t want to lose.”

  Inching cautiously toward her, I intertwine my fingers with hers as her hand is still on mine. There is no sign of wariness. She’s steady as a rock right now. It’s almost as though having me here and getting her history out in the open has helped her, or it could be the bottle of Jack that is now sitting almost empty on the floor.

  Although the threat of her ex-boyfriend could return in another couple of weeks, right here, right now, she’s safe with me. Unhurriedly, I pull up her chin and move my face closer until we are only inches apart. “Is it okay if I kiss you?” Nodding yes, she pulls her bottom lip with her teeth. I pull her closer until my lips connect with hers. She surprises me by pushing her tongue gently against my lips, granting her access.

  Sam’s other hand reaches up to grab the back of my neck, pulling me tighter and deepening our kiss. Soft moans escape her throat, causing my dick to stir in my pants. We both pull back suddenly, gasping for our own breath as I adjust my growing erection within my boxer briefs.

  Sam continues to stare at our hands before asking something I never thought I’d hear from her lips. “Josh, do you think you could stay for a while? Maybe just talk or watch TV with me? We could order some food or something. I don’t want to be alone right now.”

  “I’ll stay as long as you need me to,” I say, placing a soft kiss on her forehead. “Plus, I can’t leave for a while anyway from the dent it appears we put in that bottle of Jack.” I tilt my head toward the bottle on the floor. I lean over and pick it up, making my way to the door. As I turn back to Sam, she continues to watch me from the window seat. “Find a movie on TV, whatever you want, and I’ll go see what I can order for food. And, no, I’m not bringing you candy. Is pizza okay?”

  “Pizza sounds great, but since you won’t bring me candy, can you bring up a couple of sweet teas from the fridge?”

  “Let me guess. They’re loaded with sugar.” I shake my head, knowing I’ve been defeated.

  “You know me all too well.” She chuckles as she stands to grab the remote for her television as I leave the room.

  Something tells me we’re going to work through this just fine. My only concern now is how she’ll react when she asks about my history with other women, and I know she will.

  The flicker of the television is the first thing I notice as I wake up from a deep sleep. Trying to focus, I stretch out my arms, but a brunette is holding back my right arm with her arms wrapped around my waist. Looking down, I notice Sam’s peaceful face as she sleeps. She stirs slightly as I attempt to move away.

  We must have fallen asleep in her bed somewhere in between eating pizza and watching some chick flick she made me suffer through. We were laughing and talking about her upcoming roller derby event, and then we must have passed out with the television and lamp still on.

  Her arm tightens around me, as I’m about to move out of her grasp in bed. Her soft voice vibrates against my chest. “Josh, please stay.”

  I move my hand down to push her hair from her face and lean over, resting my chin against her head. “I’ll never leave you, Sam. I promise.”

  It’s at this moment I realize this one girl has the ability to break me. That is, if she hasn’t already done it. Jeremy has his soul mate waiting for his return home tomorrow. Emily has been his kryptonite since they met years ago. I may have thought for years that my future was meant to be with Sue, but as I stare at Sam, I have to disagree.

  Sue was my first love. Letting her go was something I did to prevent her from getting hurt. Had I not done that, I may never be where I am now. Sam moves, and her eyes flutter open, unaffected by the fact that I am lying next to her, wrapped in her arms. “Hey,” she says.

  “Are you all right with this?” I ask, gently stroking her back.

  “Yeah, surprisingly, I’m fine,” she answers, running her fingers over my stubble along my cheek. Her fingers slowly begin making their way down over my chest until she reaches the hem of my shirt. I eye her hand as it slowly rubs underneath the fabric, and I feel her fingertips touching my skin.

  “Sam? Wh
at are you doing?” I ask breathlessly.

  “Has anyone ever told you to stop asking so many questions and just go with the flow?” Her hand creeps a little further up my stomach. The more she trails her fingers over me, the harder it is to try to keep my dick from coming to life. Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to think of anything besides what I know her hands are doing to me.

  “Yeah, well, that was before I found a sassy little brunette with a candy fetish. Going with the flow would mean I’d be doing things to you that I’m not entirely sure you’re ready for,” I say as my fingers suddenly find themselves sneaking their way under her fleece along the back of her pants.

  “Josh, I’m not saying no just yet. The only way to know is to try, and I want you to try.”

  “God, Sam, you have no idea how bad I want you.”

  “Well, showing me would be a good start.” She lightly chuckles as her hand moves to undo my pants button and zipper.

  “Sam—”

  “Shhh,” she interrupts as her hand reaches into my open fly and cups my dick outside my boxer briefs. Her lips linger closely over my ear as I feel her subtle sucking on my lobe. “Touch me.”

  Unsure of how to approach her and my growing need to be inside her, I roll her slowly onto her back. Considering she’s been running her fingers over my dick for the last five minutes, the sudden break from the torture of her hand is a blessing. I prop myself over her heated body as she runs her foot over my calf and bites her bottom lip. Fuckin’ temptress.

  She must sense my hesitation about going anywhere with her at the moment because she initiates the contact by grabbing the hem of her fleece and slowly pulling it over her head. “Sam?” I question, wondering just how far she’s planning to take this. Having her lie here beneath me in nothing but a pair of black leggings and a bra is taking all my strength not to ravage her.

  Not saying a word, Sam takes my hand and places it against her skin, never losing eye contact with me. “I said touch me, Officer Page. Are you going to tell me you’ve never frisked anyone before? Maybe I need a full body search,” she taunts as she raises her pelvis toward my dick.

  I quickly shut my eyes, trying to keep from acting with my dick and not my head. Releasing a long growl, I look back at Sam. “You keep talking and doing stuff like that, sugar, and I will regret everything I could possibly do to you right now.”

  Sam leans up and rests on her elbows, so she’s just within inches of my face. “Stop treating me as though I’m going to break. Test the freakin’ waters and help put my past behind me. I said frisk me, so I need you to do just that. If that leads to doing other things, roll with the punches.”

  Shit.

  “Who are you, and what happened to the Sam I know?” I ask before slamming my mouth onto hers. My hands pull her into my body as her arms give out and move around my neck. Her fingers tug on the short cut strands at the right amount of pressure to turn me on even more.

  Sam’s body goes completely lax when my thumb begins rubbing her breast over her bra. Throwing the rulebook out the window, I decide to take a chance and see where the waters take me with her. Pulling down her bra cup, I release her perfectly rounded breast and run my finger over her nipple. This simple action has her slamming her head back into her pillow.

  “Oh my God, Josh. I haven’t felt this feeling in so long,” she says in a breathy voice etched with lust.

  That’s all I need to hear before I lose all the restraint I have left. “Sugar, I’m going to make you feel like a queen when I’m done with you tonight. You’ll be asking for more than a frisk.”

  Something keeps playing over and over in my mind as Josh sucks on my nipple. Something is telling me I am falling hard for this man who continues to make me feel whole again. The only trouble with this is if I fall too hard, too fast, he’ll have the power to break me like no other person can.

  Josh’s voice interrupts my thoughts. “Stop thinking about whatever is going on in that head of yours.” He stops to cover my breast with my bra. “I’ll stop. I know I’ve already lost you anyway.”

  “Sorry. It’s just…I don’t know. Something about this, with you, it all seems right. I just don’t know how to process it. I want you to touch me, kiss me, and for whatever freakin’ reason, I want to feel your body flush against mine, but I’m scared it’s too fast,” I say as Josh continues to run his fingers over my bare stomach. He lightly traces circles around my belly button, causing my stomach to do somersaults.

  “Sam, look at you right now. After everything that happened in your past, the fact that you are lying here in my arms, wanting this with me, and you aren’t shaking in fear is a huge step for you. We can move as slow as you want. I’ll follow your lead. Just tell me when you’re ready.”

  “So, this thing with us, you really want to make it work?”

  “When have I given you any doubt that I don’t want you to be all mine?”

  “But, you could have any girl out there. What makes me so special?” I respond. Josh tilts his head back, letting out a heavy sigh. As he rolls over to lie on his back, I suddenly feel too exposed in only my bra. Grabbing my fleece, I quickly push my arms and head through to cover myself. I sit up with my back against my headboard and pull up my knees, wrapping my arms tightly around them. “What aren’t you telling me?” I ask him as he continues to stare at my ceiling, void of any emotion.

  “Sam, I’m not going to lie to you. It wouldn’t be fair, considering how forthcoming you’ve been with me tonight, but you’re special because you’re unique, sassy, and most times, you just say ‘fuck it’ to the world. But, then there’s a side of you that you keep hidden. It’s so deep inside you that sometimes I don’t think even you know it’s there. You opened a little piece of that to me tonight, but there is more in there waiting to erupt, and once it does, you might even amaze yourself.”

  “Josh—”

  “No, let me say this,” he interjects as he sits up, so he’s facing me now. “I’ve loved one woman since I was eighteen, but I let her go when I thought she would be better off living a life without the pressures of my career choice. It took me some time to realize I was young and made a mistake. After that, she remained best friends with my sister, while I never made an effort to get her back in my life. I’ve screwed a lot of random girls over the years, and for that, I’m not proud, but I knew after one night last year I had to finally let her go. I needed to move on with my life, because there would never be a place for me in her heart again.”

  “What happened that made you come to this conclusion?” I ask, thinking something monumental had to have occurred since you just don’t stop pining for the one you love overnight. What if he still loves this woman? If she’s his sister’s best friend, chances are she’ll always be around. Who’s to say he won’t toss me to the side and try to get her back at one point? My head is spiraling out of control at all these questions, and he hasn’t even told me his reason for the epiphany.

  “She’s pregnant with my brother’s best friend’s baby,” he says solemnly as if telling me will scare me away. I have no idea why, but I suddenly reach out to touch my hand against his face.

  Leaning his head into my hand, he closes his eyes before saying, “That’s what makes you so special. I haven’t felt this connection with anyone else besides her, maybe not even with her, and definitely not with any of the other girls I’ve slept with.”

  “You really need to stop talking about all the other women you’ve slept with while you’re in my bed, but I’ll let it slide, since my room is apparently a confessional tonight,” I say as I continue to try to lighten the mood. Chuckling, I push out my legs to stretch as Josh grabs my feet, placing them onto his lap and slowly massaging the balls of them. “Mmmm. That is almost as good as candy,” I say, teasing him.

  “Oh, really?” he asks, dropping my feet to the bed again as he crawls on all fours up the bed until he’s hovering over me, basically pinning me to the bed. He searches my eyes for any sort of panic.

&
nbsp; Have I become that comfortable with Josh that I no longer see him as a threat?

  I see the cockiness in his eyes, and I know he’s about to seduce me again. “Is there anything you might find better than candy?” He dips his head, placing lazy kisses along the curve of my neck. Suddenly, his body is no longer close enough to mine. I need to feel him. All of him. Clearing my throat, I barely speak the words, “Well, there might be one thing that’s better than candy, but I haven’t had it in a while.” A sly smile splays across my face.

  His fingers tenderly graze my lips, and the sudden awareness of my desire has my body on fire. “Tell me, Sam,” Josh whispers over my ear. “What haven’t you had in a while that’s better than candy?” His lips run along my jaw until he reaches my mouth, lingering over me just far enough away that I can feel his breath on me.

  Come on, Sam. Think of something clever; he’s expecting you to say sex. Think. Ah ha! Time to tease him a little. “Oh, I think you know,” I moan as his hand begins to roam under my shirt again. Damn it. He’s trying to distract me. Focus, Sam! Finding my bearings again, I squirm underneath him. Licking my lips slowly, I watch as his eyes plead with me to say the words he wants to hear. I chuckle because I can’t take it any longer. I want him just as much as I know he wants me.

  “What’s better than candy, Sam?” Josh asks again, placing more of his weight on top of me as he pushes one of his legs between my own.

  “Cake.”

  His head shoots back as though I just slapped him across the face. “Did you seriously just say ‘cake’?”

  “Yeah, but not just any cake. I’m talking chocolate cake with peanut butter filling and topped with chocolate whipped cream frosting and chocolate sha—” I’m cut off from my chocolate fantasy by Josh’s lips silencing me.