The Secret Love of a Gentleman

by Jane Lark

  When Caro returned to the drawing room Rob was standing in the same place, with the same closed-off posture, though a footman had refilled his port.

  “A penny for them,” she said as she approached him.

  He looked at her and smiled. “Have you come to tell me to stop sulking too?”

  “Are you sulking?”

  “Probably.” He laughed, at his own expense.

  No he was nothing like his cousin.

  He drained his glass and set it down on the chest, before sliding his hands into his pockets.

  “Who thought you were sulking?”

  “My brother, this afternoon, and my entire family, I think.”

  “Why?”

  “Did you not hear them at dinner? You do not have your family, so it may be in bad taste for me to complain to you, but on occasion having a family that cares about you is as bad as having one that does not care at all. They all wish to tell me what to do with my life. I am not allowed a single independent thought. If I do not take their advice or rely upon them, then I am in the wrong, and I cannot really complain because I am dependent on John. Yet it does not mean I have to like it and it is why I will not tell the truth about my aims. They would all seek to control them.” He laughed at the end of his stream of words, his eyes glittering. “I am sulking, aren’t I?”

  She wished to wrap her arms about his middle and hold him. “Or perhaps it is just that you have a greater conscience.”

  “Is it too much to ask, to be a bloody independent man?”

  She shook her head as her fingers touched his upper arm. “It is not too much and you are only one and twenty. There is plenty of time to fulfil your plan.”

  “One and twenty…” he said looking at her. “I hope you do not think that means I am too young to know my own mind.”

  “I did not say that, and I do not think it.”

  “No? What age are you, Caro? I have no idea.”

  “Seven and twenty.” She saw no reason not to answer; it was better that he knew the truth. She had known it from the first. “Does it change things between us?” she said more quietly.

  “No. My mother is four years older than my father. Did you know that?”

  “Robbie, Caroline…” She had not known, of course, but their private conversation was brought to a close as his Aunt Penny joined them with Lady Forth. Caro’s fingers slipped from his arm as she turned and smiled at them.

  “I am having a ball the day after tomorrow, Robbie,” Lady Forth stated, “Will you come? Your mother will never forgive me if I do not persuade you. They are returning to town earlier than planned so they might attend and they will wish to see you.”

  Caroline looked at Rob. His expression hardened, but he nodded.

  He was truly out of sorts tonight.

  She wished they were alone. She wished for the time to speak with him for longer. But she could not have either and so she stood near him, as he’d sat near her in the day, a silent support, as his aunts attempted to cheer him.

  “I wished Alethea to come to town and have her debut at the ball, but she had a chill, and insisted on staying at home with Susan.”

  “Is Alethea well now?” Rob asked.

  “Yes, yet when Alethea began recovering then poor Susan came down with the chill and has a mild fever.”

  “It is nothing serious—”

  “If it was serious I would be at home with my daughters, Robbie dear. No, she will recover very soon, I’m sure.” She touched Rob’s arm in a gesture of affection. “There is one thing I do not worry over for my ball, and that is that people will not attend. It is a given when the Pembrokes are invited. There are so many branches of the family, and you are all so influential, so many of you have titles. The House of Lords is full of descendants from the Pembroke line.” Lady Forth laughed.

  Caro felt the penny she had offered to trade with Rob earlier tumble through her thoughts.

  She understood.

  He was a descendent of the Pembrokes, yet he had no influence. His father was a second son, and Rob was the eldest, his father’s heir, and yet he had no title. He felt inferior, the weight of comparison must hang over him when he was among his family.

  She looked at him, as he nodded at something Lady Forth said.

  That was why he felt so strongly that he needed to prove his worth. He wished to feel equal.

  You are equal in my eyes. He was worth a dozen of his cousins. None of them would have taken the time to help her as he’d done. None of them would have cared. She doubted any of them would even bother visiting one of their sisters, certainly they would not play with her children, let alone wish to change the world to help those who were treated badly and impoverished. They were far too fixated on self-indulgence.

  So was another reason for his discomfort at the table his self-indulgent, titled cousins, who had been there listening to the others advising him on how to lead his life?

  She wished to hold his hand and tell him she understood. She was born a bastard, after all, and for three years she’d lived as a dependent of Drew’s—she, more than anyone, knew how it felt to be the odd one out.

  Chapter 25

  Rob avoided his family for a day. He’d not been able to bring himself to call at Pembroke House, even though he knew Caro must have endured more scrutiny. Yet she’d managed well enough the day he’d sat with her and he could not suffer any more condescending support from his family.

  Instead he’d gone to the club and dined with his friends, only to face a barrage of questions from them. Tarquin had persisted with his theory that Rob had a woman, and when Rob had said he would be attending a ball, a few of them had threatened to obtain invitations to discover who it was. Fortunately the chances of them getting in were low. Like him they were untitled, and the majority held no relationship to anyone in high society.

  When he climbed the steps to the front door of John’s town house the following evening, it was with a measure of guilt. Caro’s presence here was making him distance himself from the only true allies he had in his life, his friends. Yet if there was a choice to be made, he would choose her. But the fact that he was here again said that. His friends would have to endure another evening without his company—and any hopes of progressing his plans would have to wait until another day.

  Finch opened the door. “Master Robert, the family are preparing for dinner, I am not sure who is in the drawing room.”

  He’d come at five deliberately. The callers would have left, and Rob guessed his parents were here now, but he hoped that people were dressing for dinner and that somehow he might capture a moment alone with Caro.

  When he reached the drawing room that seemed unlikely. His mother and Mary were there with his father, Drew and John.

  “Rob!” His mother crossed the room and embraced him, her arms wrapping about his neck.

  “Rob.” His father came to welcome Rob too. He had not seen them since the beginning of the summer, and yet he’d spent months away from them for years, ever since he’d begun at Eton.

  When his mother let him go, his father hugged him too, and patted his back.

  “You have been eating properly?”

  “Yes, Mama. I am well. I wrote and told you. I have a small apartment, but I generally eat in the club.”

  She smiled at him, clearly pleased to see him.

  They were a large family, but he’d never doubted he was loved. He’d said to Caro a day ago that sometimes it was as bad to have a family who cared as it was to have a family who did not, but that had been crass. He could not compare his upbringing to Caro’s and Drew’s; he’d lacked nothing.

  He did appreciate his family. It was just that their interfering was excessive and controlling, but he knew it was led by kindness, and it was funny that he saw his friends as allies but his family as a nuisance. Perhaps he ought to begin to look for the positives in his connections. Their influence would help him win more allies in the House of Commons, if he could convert them to his philanthrop
ist views.

  “How are you getting along, son?”

  “Very well, Papa.”

  “You are happy?”

  “Yes.”

  “He is doing what young men do, Papa, when they finally have their freedom—enjoying himself and staying away from us,” John stated behind them.

  Rob slid his hands into his pockets as his father turned.

  But John looked at Rob. “They were the same with me, when I returned from abroad, fussing. Annoying isn’t it? To be treated like a child, when you are anything but.”

  Rob gave his brother a close-lipped smile.

  “Well, you are my children,” his mother said. “And I am proud of you all for who you’ve become, but I still worry over you. It is a mother’s task.”

  Her words were false flattery where he was concerned, though. He’d become nothing as yet.

  She glanced back at him. “John said you were coming. I’m glad you’ve arrived early. Your sisters are dining upstairs with the young ones as we’re going out. They will want to see you, Rob. Will you go up?”

  He wondered if Caro would be there, with Kate, but he could hardly ask. He could go, though. “I’ll go now,” he stated.

  He nodded at his father before leaving.

  He jogged up the stairs to the nursery floor, his heart pumping hard. The lively conversation of the girls echoed along the hall. All his brothers were in school, and so it was only the girls, and the pitch was always higher. He heard Kate’s quieter tones as he knocked on the door.

  “Enter.” Kate called.

  There was a general melee within the room. The girls were playing with Paul and David, and fussing over Iris and Hestia.

  “Robbie!” Jemima, his youngest sister, ran to him and clasped his waist. Then Georgiana, the next in age, hugged his midriff from the other side. While Jenny and Helen, who were sixteen and seventeen, came to express their greeting. After Jemima and Georgiana let him go, Jenny and then Helen kissed his cheek.

  Helen could have come out this summer, but she’d chosen to wait until she could share the experience with Jenny.

  “Robbie.” Jemima said again.

  “How are you poppet?” Rob tussled her hair.

  “Hungry,” she answered, lifting her arms to say pick me up. “Have you seen the babies?” He caught her beneath the arms and lifted her. She was getting too big for this, but she was still a tactile child, and she was the baby of his family, so they all spoiled her.

  Jemima’s arms wrapped about his neck, and her long legs gripped his midriff. He saw Caro then. He had not noticed her because she was sitting in a chair holding Iris, who was asleep.

  She smiled.

  “Where is George?”

  “Asleep. Drew and Mary took him to the park this afternoon with your mother and father. He is exhausted.”

  “You may see him tomorrow,” Kate stated. “We have brought the picnic forward as the weather was so good today. We hope it will still be so tomorrow. Are you able to come? We’re going to drive out to Windsor, to the meadows by the Thames.”

  He nodded. Wondering what his friends might say when he was busy for another day. “I have nothing planned I cannot cancel.”

  Jemima played with his fringe, brushing it back from his forehead, and then watching it fall down again. It did not bother him. He was used to being petted by his sisters.

  “How are you?”

  “Have you been having fun?” Helen and Jenny asked simultaneously.

  “If you will excuse me, Rob, I’ll have another place set for dinner.” Kate stood and gave her daughter, who was a little older than Iris, to a nursery maid. “I presume you are dining with us?”

  He nodded. “Yes, thank you. I came early to see mother and father.”

  She nodded, then left the room.

  “I’ll put Iris down,” Caro stood too, then turned to carry her to the younger children’s bed chamber.

  Rob sat down, with Jemima on his lap, and then told his older sisters a little about his life in town. It had been very unfair to complain about his life; his sisters would never have an opportunity to live independently. They must marry and be dependent on a husband, or remain dependent on whoever within the family might keep them.

  He thought of Caro. Of Caro calling herself a parasite.

  She ought to be angry at him for his sulking, yet she’d not seemed angry.

  When Caro returned she had not only set Iris down but changed for dinner. He asked Jemima to get up, “We ought to go down, Caro.” She nodded as he stood.

  “Goodnight then, girls.”

  “Goodnight, Robbie.” Helen kissed his cheek.

  “Goodnight.” He received another kiss from Jenny, and then one from Georgiana, followed by Jemima. He bent down and let Jemima wrap her arms about his neck again. She tried to hang on to him.

  He held her forearms and slid them free, laughing. “I have to go, Jemima. Mama and Papa, and, John and Kate will be waiting. I will see you tomorrow.”

  She gave him a disappointed smile.

  “Goodnight all,” he said finally, and turned to Caro. “Come along, before they hold me hostage.” He gripped her elbow and saw Helen note it, her eyebrows lifting. Of course, they would not know that Caro had changed.

  He merely threw her one last smile before he left.

  When they walked from the room, his heart raced at the revelation that they would have a few moments alone.

  He shut the door, looked along the hall and then, when he saw it was clear, his hand braced the back of Caro’s neck and pulled her mouth to his. Her lips parted, and then the kiss became far more than he’d intended as her hands clasped his coat at his waist.

  After a few minutes he broke the kiss and rested his forehead against hers. “I’m sorry that I did not call yesterday or this afternoon. Were you upset with me? Did you have to endure many visitors?”

  “Not too many, but I missed you.”

  He caught hold of her hand and turned her to the stairs, but he had to let her go then, the steps were too narrow to walk two abreast.

  “You must forgive me for sulking too, and for claiming that my family are remotely comparable to yours. I know they are not. It was crass of me to say it.”

  “I do not mind that you did not come. I do not expect you to order your life by me, and I understand.”

  “Understand…”

  “How you feel.” Caro glanced back as she reached the bottom step. Then she waited to walk beside him as they turned onto the next flight down to the first floor.

  His brow creased. “How do I feel?”

  “Inferior.” His step hesitated, before his foot landed on the first stair.

  Caro stopped and turned to look at him. “I can understand because it is how I’ve felt when I was young amongst my brothers and sisters, and since I have lived with Drew it is how I have felt amongst your family.”

  He took both her hands. “You need not feel like that.”

  “Nor do you, yet you do feel it.”

  Damn.

  Inferior? The word cut him to the quick. “I have never thought of it as that. I have always known I had my pride, yet… Inferior is a very bitter-tasting word. It makes me feel self-pitying. I do not think I like it, if that is what I am.”

  “It does not have a very nice taste, does it, and it’s burned my tongue since the day your brother collected me from the little cottage Drew had hidden me in and took me to Pembroke Place.” She actually laughed. “But I think I am recovered.”

  “Do you think I should be recovered?”

  “I think you should be comfortable to just be who you are. You have great plans, and you should go ahead and fulfil them and be as idealistic as you wish.” Her hazel eyes looked at him, as her words struck him in the gut.

  No, he was not comfortable with who he was among his family. He was inferior amongst his older cousins. It was a simple fact, and the truth was he had not shared his aims with anyone, to avoid their judgement. Yet… is that the tru
e reason I wish to make a difference, to make something of myself and make myself equal, not to help those who need help? The question and the uncertainty it ignited settled heavily on his shoulders. All he managed to say was, “Sorry.” Because the feelings would not leave him.

  He let her hands go, turned and began descending again, thoughts flying around in his head. Inferior… Uncomfortable with himself… They were harsh words.

  The dinner gong rang as they reached the first floor. Rob lifted his arm for Caro to take.

  “Have I made you angry?” she whispered.

  He glanced at her and smiled. “No, just thoughtful. I should not feel as you described. I have no real cause to.”

  Before they entered the drawing room to join the others, he said. “Save a waltz for me tonight: two if you can.”

  She nodded and then Rob let his arm fall as he encouraged her to walk ahead.

  Over dinner Caro participated in the conversation as much as anyone. It was only Kate and John, Mary and Drew, and his mother and father, and so she must feel comfortable… bloody word. But certainly she seemed happy, and his mother smiled at her and kept her talking, while his father watched a little bemused by Caro’s participation.

  When they gathered in the hall, awaiting the carriage, as the only single male, Rob took the opportunity to escort Caro, and took her cloak from a footman to then rest it on her shoulders. She smiled over her shoulder at him. Rob caught his father’s gaze when she looked away.

  His eyebrows lifted. Caroline is letting you help her…

  Rob smiled. Yes.

  When Caro took his arm, his mother bestowed a smile of approval on them both. He nodded at her to walk ahead with his father. His parents were to share John’s carriage; he’d agreed to ride in Drew’s with Caro.

  Chapter 26

  When they reached the Forths’ there was a queue of carriages waiting to deposit their passengers. Theirs crept along slowly, continually stopping to stand as the next carriage unloaded. As they waited Drew discussed the cattle market he wished to take Rob to.