The Lies That Define Us

by Micalea Smeltzer

  There was nothing slow, soft, or sweet about that kiss.

  Instead, it was hard, bruising, and entirely rough.

  I didn’t know any other way to be.

  My hands slid from her cheeks and down, down, down her body to settle on her waist. I pushed her back onto the cushions until she was lying flat and my body was pressed on top of hers.

  Our lips moved together in sync.

  Push and pull.

  The ocean and the moon.

  I felt the drumming of her heart, the beat of it completely out of control.

  I nipped at her bottom lip, and her mouth parted.

  My tongue slid inside, and she let out the most perfect moan I’d ever heard. My arousal grew as I ground my hips into hers.

  I hadn’t meant to kiss her.

  Ever.

  And now that I had I didn’t know if I could stop.

  Or if I even wanted to.

  I’ve gone and lost my mind.

  Her fingers touched my jaw reverently, almost like she was unsure of what to do, and it struck me as odd.

  As quickly as I had the thought, it fled, replaced by a deep-seated lust—one I’d been fighting since the moment I saw her.

  Her hands slid to my hair and down to my neck as her body arched against mine, pushing her chest against mine. Even without feeling her I could tell she was not wearing a bra.

  I deepened the kiss, knowing that I’d have to end it soon, but wanting to push it as far as I could before I did.

  I unintentionally moved my hands lower to her hips and had no intentions of going anywhere else with them, but Ari didn’t know that, and it was like a switched was flipped in her.

  She shoved at my chest, breaking our kiss immediately, and before I could even inhale a breath, her hand smacked sharply against my cheek.

  I pressed a hand to my stinging jaw out of instinct, but I didn’t miss the absolute and overwhelming fear in her eyes.

  I’m not talking about fear of spiders or some shit like that. It was much, much worse than that. She looked like she was drowning or suffocating.

  She grasped at her chest, pulling in sharp bursts of air.

  “I-I-I don’t know what happened. I’m sorry.” The words tumbled out as she looked anywhere but at me. She stood up from the couch quickly, swaying briefly, before scurrying from the room like her ass was on fire.

  I sat stunned, my hand still pressed to my cheek as I watched her run up the steps.

  Normally I was the one bailing.

  This is new.

  And I didn’t like it.

  Not at all.

  ***

  I stood at the back door and watched the sun rise above the horizon. I held a coffee cup in my hand, but the black liquid was cold and tasted too fucking bitter to drink. I could only make coffee right one time out of ten.

  I’d gone back to bed after my kiss with Ari, but sleep had eluded me worse than it had before. I kept replaying the kiss over in mind and her reaction afterwards. I was beyond curious as to what had snapped inside her. It hadn’t been the normal, “I don’t want you to kiss me” reaction. There was too much fear in her eyes. Not anger.

  When the sun had fully risen, I turned away from the view.

  Seeing the sunrise was the only good thing about getting little to no sleep. There was something about seeing the sun ascend into the sky that grounded me. It was like it reminded me to look up and cherish another day because I was fucking alive even if I felt dead inside.

  I poured my disgusting excuse for coffee down the drain and wiped the sink clean.

  I hated a dirty sink.

  I hated anything dirty.

  I cleaned my mug too and stuck it in the dishwasher before emptying out the coffee maker and cleaning that too.

  I was about to make a fresh pot of coffee when Ari padded into the room. I glanced up at her but didn’t say a word at her presence. She looked like shit. Her hair was in disarray, little wisps of hair fluttered around her forehead. Her eyes were bloodshot with dark circles beneath them. I doubted she’d gotten any more sleep either. We were quite the pair.

  She cleared her throat and stepped forward slowly like she was tiptoeing across ground that might fall from beneath her feet at any second.

  “Let me do that.” She took the empty coffee pot from my hand. “Your coffee sucks.”

  I shrugged. “It does.”

  I took a seat while she put water in the coffee maker and added the filter and grounds. When she was done, she had no choice but to turn and look at me.

  She hadn’t been staying with me long, but it had been enough time for us to grow comfortable with one another’s presence. We had to be, living together and what not, but in that moment the awkwardness from the first few days had returned in full force.

  I’ve never been good at fixing things like this.

  My cousin, Willow, used to joke that I could make a problem out of anything and then make it even bigger with my inability to speak up and clear the air.

  That was years ago.

  I was older now, and while I’d proven I wasn’t much wiser, I figured there was no time like the present to try.

  “I think we should play a game.”

  Hesitant blue eyes reluctantly met mine. “What kind of game?” She toyed with the string on her cotton shorts.

  “Don’t worry, it’s an easy one.” I tried to smile to assuage her worries, but it probably looked more like a grimace. I wasn’t sure my face muscles knew what a genuine smile was. Was there such a thing as male-resting-bitch face? If so, I had the most severe case.

  “Okay,” she said the word slowly, leaning her butt against the counter behind her.

  I knew she was trying to stand as far away from me as she could, and realistically I knew that was for the best. I might’ve kissed her, but it didn’t change anything. It didn’t change who I was or I how I acted. It would be better for both of us to keep our distances, because at the end of the day, I’d always be an asshole. Someone might argue that I’d gone from a pretty nice fucking guy to this, so why couldn’t I change back to the old me, but life didn’t work that way. When events and circumstances change you…well, they fucking change you. There are scars left on you. Not physical ones, but ones that pierce your soul, and those are the kind that never fade or go away. They’re forever.

  “Explain,” she added, when I took too long to speak.

  I groaned and shoved rough fingers through my hair. It was getting too long and the dark strands hung down into my eyes, shielding my gaze from her, and when I spoke I wanted her to see the honesty in my eyes.

  “It’s a long-lasting one,” I stalled. “It’ll take days, weeks even, to play.”

  Her brows furrowed and her nose crinkled in thought. “I’m lost.”

  I held up a hand in a gesture to tell her that I was getting to the point. “Every day, you and I will share one truth with each other. It doesn’t matter the time, or the place, just that we fucking do.”

  “I don’t know.” She was hesitant, shuffling her feet on the ground.

  “The truth that we share is entirely up to us. It can be a big or small one. Doesn’t matter. Whatever we feel comfortable sharing at the moment. M’kay?”

  She pondered my words, pressing her lips together in thought. I watched as she rubbed the nail of her index finger against her thumb’s nail. It was a tell that she was nervous, one she didn’t even realize she did. But I knew. I saw everything around me, even when I looked like I didn’t give a flying fuck.

  “I’ll go first,” I said, pressing a hand to my chest. “I love M&Ms. I guess you could say they’re my guilty pleasure.”

  She bit her lip and shuffled her feet some more.

  “Look, Ari,” I cleared my throat, “I’m fucking trying here, okay? I know I’m not the nicest or easiest guy to be around, but I guess in my own way I’m trying to apologize for earlier and…every day, really.” I rubbed at the back of my head. “Trying is a big deal for me, so, please, don
’t throw this back in my face.”

  Oh for fuck’s sake I just said please. I might as well get down on my knees and beg. I was doing my best to say I was sorry for the kiss earlier. It would be easier to just say the words I’m sorry, but I wasn’t sorry. Even after her reaction, I couldn’t take it back, because in those moments before, I’d felt something. Some small stirring inside me that I hadn’t felt in so fucking long, and I wouldn’t take back that feeling for anything.

  Selfish bastard right here.

  She straightened, a new resolve taking over her body. “I like to draw. I love it, actually,” she admitted with a small laugh, tucking a stray piece of dark brown hair behind her ear. Her lips lifted in a half-smile and her hands wound together. “When I draw…it’s like nothing else exists.” I knew what she meant, that feeling, because I felt it when I surfed. “I miss it.” She shrugged, slowly meeting my eyes.

  “Why do you miss it?” I shook my head. “That didn’t come out right. What I mean is, why aren’t you drawing?”

  “Art supplies are expensive,” she replied with a wan smile, “and I’m saving every penny I make.” So I can get out of here and away from you, was what she left unsaid.

  “I see.” I nodded as the coffee maker beeped, signaling that it was ready.

  Ari turned and grabbed two mugs from the upper cabinet. She filled each and carried them over to the counter. She slid mine across, and I picked it up.

  She still stood on the other side instead of sitting beside me, but that was okay, because she was there.

  We drank our coffee in companionable silence, and for once I didn’t feel the urge to flee. I was content to just…be, and it was a really fucking good feeling.

  One I was terrified of growing used to.

  Ari

  I didn’t have to work that day, and with Liam’s parents lingering around, I was cursing that fact. It was bad enough that they’d probably heard me screaming last night. I ended up calling Darren to see if there was any chance he needed me and that had been a bust. The schedule was full, and no one had called in sick.

  I was stuck.

  Liam’s mom had made it impossible to escape. I knew she was trying to be nice by including me in the conversation, but I just felt awkward. Especially when it became obvious that she kept trying to push Liam and me together. Every time I looked at him all I could think about was that kiss. Even the thought brought heat to my cheeks. That kiss had been amazing. My first real kiss. Any I’d had before had been forcibly taken from me, but not that one. I’d wanted him to kiss me, but I’d never admit that out loud. I’d been into it too. Oh God, how I had been. And then… And then I don’t know what happened. It was like I was overcome by a vision, a flash of before, and suddenly it wasn’t Liam on me anymore.

  It was him.

  It was Blaise.

  On me.

  All around me.

  Filling me.

  Taking.

  Taking.

  Taking.

  Taking what wasn’t his to take in the first place.

  It had felt so real, and panic had clawed at my chest, fighting to get free. I’d felt like I was suffocating, and I was slowly dying in his arms. I’d had to get away.

  So I pushed him.

  And slapped him.

  And then, with horror, I realized it was Liam, not Blaise.

  I’d gotten out of there as quickly as I could—in a daze. Once in my room, I sat trying to figure out what had caused my reaction.

  I’d always believed myself to be strong. A fighter. I'd had to be to survive this long.

  But the thing was, I’d been running on adrenaline for so long to make it through each and every day of the hell I had to endure and then to escape. That had definitely sucked the life out of me. I was running on fumes. I had nothing to hold me up, and as I settled and began to come down from that adrenaline high, something new was setting in.

  Something I believed might have been PTSD.

  I knew I was no doctor, but I was smart—Blaise had made sure of that—and I felt certain that I had to be suffering from that. I was stuck, though. I was a ghost, without ID or even a birth certificate. I definitely had no health insurance.

  There was nothing I could do to help myself.

  Nothing but fight, and I’d been fighting for so long I didn’t know if I could keep it up, but I’d have to try in order to keep my sanity.

  I wouldn’t let it break me. I hadn’t let anything else get to me, and I’d lived through more horrors in four years than most people experienced in a lifetime.

  Liam wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.

  The sliding glass door—which was actually more like a whole damn wall—opened behind me, and Liam stepped outside.

  “Ari?”

  I looked over my shoulder at him, acknowledging him with the small raise of my brows.

  There was a rock wall built on the far side of his yard—calling it a yard seemed silly since there was no grass, but whatever—to keep people from falling since his house was positioned high up on a cliff and the beach lay directly below us. That’s where I sat with my legs dangling. When I kicked, my feet met open air. Maybe I should have feared the fall, but I didn’t.

  Liam shoved his hands in the pockets of his black shorts, and his long stride carried him to me quickly.

  “What are you looking at?” He quirked his head to the side, studying me like I was some fascinating work of art displayed in a museum.

  I turned away from him and back to the view. The sky and the ocean stretched as far as the eye could see.

  “Possibilities.”

  I lifted my chin slightly to glance at him. He looked even more curious than before.

  “What kind of possibilities?” His face fell into serious lines with his question, almost like he was mad at himself for showing any interest.

  I shrugged, absorbing the feeling of my hair tickling my shoulders—a sensation I’d taken for granted at one time. So many little things I’d never cherished that I now clasped tightly in a closed fist, never wanting to let go.

  “One possibility, in particular,” I began, adjusting my grip on the wall where my hands rested beside my hip. “It’s silly,” I muttered, hanging my head in shame.

  “Tell me,” he pleaded, and I swore I felt his fingers graze my bare shoulder, but when I looked up his hands were still shoved deep in his pockets.

  “I was thinking about what it would be like in an alternate universe. What if I’d grown up somewhere else, had different parents…” I trailed off, knowing he wouldn’t understand. Leaving those thoughts behind, I grinned up at him. “Maybe I could have been a princess.”

  I thought he’d laugh, or maybe glare at me and tell me not to be so stupid, but instead he smiled slowly, and said, “Why be a princess when you can be a mother-fucking-knight?”

  “A girl knight?” I asked, feeling something akin to happiness light up my insides.

  I hadn’t realized how much I’d craved a normal, silly conversation with someone. I would’ve never believed the person would’ve been Liam, though.

  “Sure.” He shrugged, taking his hands out of his pockets and bracing his arms on the wall beside me. “You can be anything you want to be.”

  “Can I be a bird?” I asked wistfully, closing my eyes as the breeze tickled my skin.

  “A bird?” He sounded shocked I’d ask such a thing. “Why a bird?”

  “So I can fly away.”

  I opened my eyes and looked over at him. He was leaning against the wall, his hands clasped together, and he appeared to be taking my words very seriously. His full lips were turned down into a frown, and there was a crease between his brows.

  “What are you flying away from?”

  “Memories,” I whispered, my lips barely forming the word. I’d already given him one truth that day, but one more couldn’t hurt anything. Not one as ambiguous as that, anyway.

  He pressed his lips together and met my gaze. His eyes… His eyes told m
e he understood what I was saying, but he didn’t ask me anything else. He didn’t try to pry, and for that, I was thankful.

  Liam was right.

  We were made of the same stuff.

  That’s why we understood each other, and why we attracted and repelled against one another.

  He stood beside me, and we both grew quiet as we watched the waves crash against the sandy beach. Down below there was only one person walking along the shore. Their golden retriever ran beside them, and every once in a while they’d throw a ball for the dog to run after. It was such a simple sight, but it filled me with peace.

  Liam cleared his throat, and I dropped my gaze to where he was bent beside me.

  “My mom wants to go to the pier,” he wrung his hands together, almost as if he was nervous, “and she wants you to go with us.”

  I raised my brow at him, and he chuckled.

  “Hey,” he held his hands up in surrender, “she likes you.”

  I glanced behind us at the door, expecting to see her standing there watching us, but instead, I was greeted with the reflection of clouds and birds in the sky and the two of us.

  “Your mom thinks we’re a couple,” I stated, and he winced.

  He rubbed awkwardly at the back of his head. “Sorry about her.”

  “I like your mom.” I shrugged and lifted my hands to shield my eyes from the sun.

  “You just don’t like that she thinks we’re together?” He grinned at me, waiting for my response.

  “Well—”

  “She knows we’re not together. I set her straight, and I think her exact words were, ‘Of course she’s not your girlfriend, Liam Maxwell, you’re too much of an asshole to have a nice girl like that. Act like I raised you to behave and then maybe she will be.’”

  “She did not.” I giggled. Actually giggled. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d done that.

  “She did.” He nodded and smiled. When he smiled like that, wide and without a care in the world, he looked his young age of nineteen. His perpetual scowl always made him look so much older and more intimidating. “So now she’s hoping you will be my girlfriend.”

  I laughed and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. “And what do you have to say about that?”