Sarah's Heart

by Ginger Simpson

  Nothing Sarah could say or do made a difference. She stood by helplessly as one-by-one the parents came and took their children. Only she and Little Bear were left when the exodus ended. She knelt next to him, gazed into his questioning eyes, and struggled to find words of explanation.. “This wasn’t your fault, sweetheart. I’m so sorry the people of this town are so small-minded. Don’t you worry though; I’ll talk to Judge Lawson. He’s the one who hired me to teach here, and I’m sure he’ll set things right.” Sarah prayed her trust wasn’t misplaced.

  She glanced at the time. Wolf wouldn’t be coming for another hour, and as much as she wanted to hurry over to the judge’s chambers, she couldn’t abandon Little Bear. She dared not take him with her out in public. He’d been exposed to enough hatred in one day. Sarah wished everyone would be struck colorblind when it came to skin tones.

  She pulled a chair up next to him and sat, hoping that reading together would take his mind off what had happened. He struggled with some words, but amazed Sarah with his knowledge of English. The questions she expected from him about the earlier ruckus were never asked.

  Her nerves frayed, Sarah jumped up when the door opened. She squared her shoulders, then released a pent-up breath at seeing Wolf. He scanned the empty room. “Am I late?”

  She shook her head and whispered. “Only if you wanted to be part of the angry crowd that passed through here.”

  “What happened?”

  “Can we step outside and discuss it? Little Bear can read another chapter while we talk.”

  Wolf followed her out onto the small stoop. “So?”

  “I brought you out here because Little Bear has been through enough today. He doesn’t need to hear this…”

  “What happened?” Wolf’s eyes narrowed, his tone insistent.

  “It seems that Horace’s grandfather stirred the town into a frenzy over Little Bear attending school. Everyone came for their children, and the message was the same: they aren’t coming back as long as he’s here.”

  Wolf hung his head and massaged his brow. “I’m so sorry, Sarah. I didn’t mean to cause…”

  “Don’t you dare apologize for something that isn’t your fault. Let me handle this. I plan to speak with Judge Lawson as soon as I can. My main concern is Little Bear. I’m sure he feels like he did something wrong. You need to make him understand he didn’t. Let’s go back inside.”

  “Miss Collins?”

  Sarah turned, nearly blinded by the sun reflecting on a silver star. “Yes.”

  “Judge Lawson asked me to give you this.” The deputy handed her a note and strode away.

  Sarah quickly unfolded the piece of paper and read:

  Miss Collins,

  It has come to my attention that a problem exists in your classroom. I must insist that you address the school board at a meeting this evening at seven o’clock. It will be held at Town Hall. Please be prompt.

  Judge T. Lawson

  Sarah’s jaw tightened as she crumpled the missive in her palm. How dare he summon her like she’d created the so-called problem. She gave Wolf a weak smile. “Well, I did say I wanted to speak with the judge, didn’t I?”

  Chapter Thirty

  “No! It would be best if you didn’t go.” Sarah poured coffee into the cup in front of Wolf, then reached past him and refilled Maggie’s.

  He looked up at Sarah. “But, I started the problem by bringing Little Bear to school.” His hazel eyes flashed those familiar flecks of gold.

  After placing the pot back on the stove, Sarah turned. “Maggie, help me talk some sense into this man.”

  What Sarah really needed was someone to do that for her. Why, when things were so tense with her future at the school, did she want to drown in the depth of his eyes, taste his full lips? She shook her foolish romantic notions aside and slid into the chair across from him.

  “She’s right, Wolf.” Maggie nodded. “If you show up at Town Hall, it will only make things worse. You know how I feel about you, but not everyone shares my opinion. Best you let Sarah handle this.” She took a sip of coffee then shook her head. “It just rankles me that people have to be so all-fired mean. What harm is it if one little boy wants to learn?”

  “I wish I knew the answer to that.” Hoping to quell the headache she felt looming, Sarah massaged her temple. “I’m not sure I can change anyone’s mind, but I aim to stand up for my beliefs.”

  The back door opened and Jonathan walked in. Upon seeing the trio at the table, he paused in the doorway, one brow arched. “From the frowns, it looks like I’ve walked in at a bad time.” He pulled out a chair and sat next to Sarah. “What’s wrong? Can I help?” He patted her hand.

  Sarah saw Wolf’s neck tense and wondered if it was jealousy or his strong dislike for the man who tried to take his land. Her stomach churned at being caught in the middle of the two.

  She glanced back at Jonathan and shook her head. “Thanks, but I highly doubt it. I’ve been summoned before the school board this evening and I fear it won’t be pleasant.”

  “What has happened?”

  Sarah swallowed hard, knowing how he felt about Wolf’s mixed heritage; sentiments best left unspoken at the moment. “Just a misunderstanding. Nothing to concern you.”

  Jonathan looked taken aback. “Are you sure? I’ve become quite friendly with some of the big wigs in town.”

  Despite his desire to help, Sarah found his haughty attitude off putting. “This has nothing to do with who you know and don’t know. It has to do with equality and justice. Thanks for offering to help, but I can handle my own affairs.”

  He took a deep breath and lowered his gaze. “I’m sure you can, Sarah. I didn’t mean to infer otherwise.”

  Maggie hopped up from her seat. “Coffee, Jonathan? More for you, Sarah… Wolf? I think we need to change the subject.”

  Jonathan loosened his collar. “It’s warm in here, but I’ll take a cup. This seems like a good time to let you know that I’m leaving. My business here is concluded.” He reached across the table and offered his hand. “Congratulations, Wolf.”

  Wolf hesitated for a moment. He shook hands but peered at Jonathan with a raised brow.

  Standing, Jonathan removed his jacket and dabbed at his perspiring forehead with his handkerchief. “The bank tells me that you’ve successfully negotiated terms agreeable to both sides for the completion of your land acquisition. I located and closed a deal on another plot for my client, so there is no need for me to remain here any longer.” He cast a woeful look at Sarah.

  “You’ve been one of my best boarders. I’ll be sorry to see you go,” Maggie said.

  Sarah felt a pang of sadness. “Yes, Jonathan. I’ll miss your good humor at the breakfast table, and I did hope to be able to finish teaching you to square dance.” She chuckled, trying to lighten the moment.

  “Oh no, I’m not cut out for anything that requires di-si-doin’.”

  “Pity, I think you could have developed a fondness for it.”

  “We’ll never know, will we?” He smiled then glanced at the watch he pulled from his pocket. “If you’ll excuse me, I have one more stop to make before I pack my things. I’ll be taking tomorrow’s early coach.”

  “I’m sure I’ll be up before you leave... although I may not have a job to go to.” Sarah’s thoughts turned back to her own problem and she stared into her coffee cup, but not before noticing Wolf’s smile.

  “Well, I wish you luck at your meeting.” Jonathan threw his jacket over his arm and walked out the same door he’d entered.

  For a moment there was silence.

  “I really will miss Jonathan,” Maggie said. “Despite being a Yankee, he’s a nice man.”

  “I almost felt bad for disappointing him.” Wolf laughed. “He definitely had his eye set on my land.”

  Sarah sighed. “I disappointed him, too.”

  She ignored the questioning look on the faces of Maggie and Wolf. If only she could have returned Jonathan’s feelings. But he wasn�
�t the man she wanted.

  * * *

  Sarah and Maggie entered Town Hall. Sarah’s heart pounded like a drum. Just days before she’d passed through the same doorway to attend the dance with Jonathan. The room, then barren of furniture except along the walls, now held rows of chairs before the raised platform where the musicians had stood. Almost every seat was taken near the front, so she gestured for Maggie to join her in the last row.

  Maggie sat next to her. She reached over and squeezed Sarah’s hand. “Don’t be nervous. You stick to your guns.”

  Sarah smiled. “I intend to.”

  “Good, just remember I’m here if you need me.”

  Necks craned and whispers spread as people noticed Sarah. She sat straighter in her chair and adjusted her posture, trying to ignore their stares. Strength came from knowing that at least in some small way she’d be speaking on Wolf’s behalf. Just seeing him again brought forth all the longing she’d denied. But no more. She wanted him and somehow she meant to convince him that they did have a future together. Whether she became Mrs. Nathaniel Elder or Mrs. Gray Wolf didn’t matter. She aimed to be part of his life.

  “Quiet please. Let’s get this meeting started.” Judge Lawson’s voice rang out, yanking Sarah from her thoughts.

  “Miss Collins?” The judge called from the podium, his eyes scanning the room.

  Her knees wobbled as she stood. She raised her hand. “I’m here.” She felt like a student at roll call.

  “Very well. I’d like to state the intent of this gathering, and that is to resolve the complaints brought against you in your capacity as the town teacher. Are you aware of the nature of these complaints?”

  “I… I believe so.” Despite her feigned bravery, her voice faltered.

  “For clarification, you’re accused of allowing an Indian child to attend your class.”

  “It’s not an accusation, sir. It’s the truth.” She met his gaze.

  “I thought I made it clear to you when I hired you that we aren’t tolerant of … of… those children. Damn it, we don’t tolerate Indians in our school.”

  “Even though I picked up on your own prejudice when I mentioned I’d taught briefly at St. John’s, I suppose I didn’t think your reaction translated to a hard and fast rule. Forgive me if I don’t view people in colors.”

  The judge, obviously taken aback by her comment, scowled at her. “Well, I’m telling you now. The boy will not be permitted to attend class with the town’s children. Do you understand?”

  Sarah sidestepped from her row of chairs and approached the judge. “I understand your meaning, your honor, but please help me grasp why I, who should bear the most hatred for red skin, can find it in my heart to forgive? I saw the aftermath of a war party raid against the wagon train I traveled on, but I’m smart enough to realize that there are bad people in every race.”

  “Are you insinuating I’m not as smart as you are?”

  Sarah felt the piecing bore of the judge’s stare. Her palms dampened but she held her ground.

  “Not at all, but surely in your profession you’ve put away white criminals many times. Does that mean that all who share that skin color are bad? If so, that would include you, your honor.”

  A collective gasp sounded throughout the room. The whispers started again.

  “Quiet!” The judge roared. “I should never have hired you after hearing that you arrived in town with a half-breed.”

  Sarah’s jaw tightened. “That person saved my life. If he had disregarded me the way the community does him, I would be dead.” She turned and glared into the audience, her gaze spanning the room. “I can’t believe all of you are so small-minded that you are threatened by a good man and the small boy to whom he’s given shelter.”

  “There’s no need to defend me.” Wolf stood in the doorway.

  Holding his head high and keeping his eyes forward, he walked to the front and addressed stood before the judge. “I came to take responsibility for this whole mess. I ask you to not take this out on Sarah. She loves teaching, and I don’t want to be the person who causes her to lose her job. You’d be foolish to let her go. From what I’ve seen, the children love her.”

  Sarah warmed at his testimony. A lump that predicted tears, formed in her throat. She swallowed it and tasted the saltiness of the moisture already welling in her eyes. If the children loved her, why couldn’t he?

  “Little Bear,” Wolf continued, “won’t be coming back. As a matter of fact, I’ve decided he needs to grow up in a place where he’s treated with respect and dignity. I’ll be taking him to stay at St. John’s Indian Mission, so there’s no need to dismiss Miss Collins.”

  Visions of the day Wolf returned to the mission from his wrongful incarceration spun through Sarah’s mind. That was the very moment she realized she loved him. Now again he needlessly defended himself. Anger heated Sarah’s blood and simmered in her veins.

  Judge Lawson pointed at Wolf. “And you? What about you? Do you intend to….”

  “If you’re concerned that I’ll intrude on Miss Collins’ responsibility, don’t worry. We’ve already decided we come from very different backgrounds and have no future together. Besides, all my time will be spent either scouting for the army or building my home.”

  Sarah sensed a giant fist closing around heart. Wolf sounded so certain. Did she stand a chance of changing his mind? He was every bit as important as her teaching job. Though she dared not speak, her gaze begged him to reconsider.

  Judge Collins sat straighter and smiled down at her. “Very well then, Miss Collins, if I have your word that you will adhere to the rules in the future, we can consider this case closed.”

  Wolf left the room. Tears threatened to choke her. Just as she’d earlier recalled the first moment she loved him, she knew now she had to let him go. Numb, she turned and stared at the judge through blurred eyes and simply nodded. She didn’t agree with the decision but remembered her own advice about picking one’s battles.

  The buzz in the room grew as the Judge called an end to the meeting and people filed out the door. Sarah gazed at the chairs, all empty now except for the one where Maggie sat. The older woman’s mouth was pulled into a frown and she slowly shook her head. She rose and came forward, putting her arm around Sarah’s shoulders. “C’mon dear, let’s go home.”

  The leaden feeling in her heart sunk to her feet, making movement difficult. Just as Lot’s wife had done in the scriptures, Sarah wished she’d turn into a pillar of salt. Surely then she wouldn’t feel this all-consuming heartache. She leaned into Maggie and tottered outside.

  The slap of crisp air in her face brought Sarah back to her senses. She had to see Wolf. She turned to Maggie, her pulse racing. “Go on home. I’ll meet you there. I have to find him.”

  Maggie opened her mouth but Sarah hiked up her skirt and hurried toward the livery stable before the woman had a chance to speak. Wolf had to be there. He just had to.

  Breathless and panting, Sarah stood in the doorway. Wolf led his pinto out of a stall and grabbed a hank of mane, preparing to mount. “Wait,” she called out.

  He turned; his eyes widened. “Sarah, you shouldn’t be here.”

  “I couldn’t let you go without telling you something.”

  He released his grasp on Scout and walked closer. “What?”

  “I’ve felt so guilty all this time. You saved my life after I…I left you to die.”

  “I know.”

  Her mouth gaped. “You know? What do you know?”

  “I know you tried to steal my horse, but I understand. If I’d been in your place, I would have done the same.”

  “But how do you know?”

  “Little by little, the memory of that day I lay injured came back to me. I had a hazy recollection of seeing you, but thought I dreamed it. I finally realized it was you I saw, and I even recall listening to you struggle to mount Scout. I heard you curse as you led him away.” He laughed.

  “You must hate me.” She lowe
red her gaze.

  Wolf reached out and cupped her chin, raising her face. “Not even close. I love you, Sarah…have for a long time, but I know that being with me would bring nothing but misery into your life.”

  Her breath hitched at his mention of love. She’d always wanted to believe he shared her feelings, and now he’d actually admitted it. A tremor of pleasure waffled thought her body; she needed to make him see she’d be willing to take a chance.

  “You’re wrong. As long as I have you, nothing else matters.”

  He shook his head and lowered his hand to his side. “You may think that now, but I saw what my parents went through. Even though they truly loved one another, the hatred and prejudices that picked at them everywhere they went took a toll. It drove a wedge between them.”

  “We wouldn’t let anything come between us.” She stepped closer and caressed his cheek.

  He backed away. “It's not a choice. It happens. Just the thought of anyone being unkind to you breaks my heart, and I know that’s bound to happen if you’re with me. Don’t you see, Sarah, we can’t be together. You would eventually resent me for keeping you from all the other things you love to do…like teaching for instance. Hell, even if we left this town, there’s no place where a half-breed and a white woman would be welcomed.” The lantern light flickered in his brimming eyes and his voice sounded thick.

  Sarah’s hand grasped her throat, trying to dispel the growing lump that choked her. She nodded, wishing he was wrong. Anger at life’s unfairness shivered through her and she fisted her hands at her side. “God, if only thing were different.” She peered deeply into his eyes. “I love you, Wolf. I always will, and I hate to admit it, but you’re right. Out of this whole town only one person would ever accept us being together—Maggie. I imagine every other place would be the same.” Sarah's tears distorted his image.

  “Please don't cry. It's not goodbye forever. We’re bound to run into one another in town from time to time, but the most we can do is pass as friends. It’s for the best, Sarah.”

  She nodded again and brushed a tear from her cheek. “Maybe someday people like us,” her voice trembled, “can find happiness, but in the meantime, I’m going to do my best to change how people treat one another. I can teach more than reading and writing, I can make certain children learn one race is no better than the other…that we all deserve respect.”