Sex, Not Love

by Vi Keeland

  “No!”

  “No!”

  “You can’t...”

  I held him for the longest time, not wanting the rope to tighten around his neck.

  I couldn’t let go to get something to cut him down.

  I couldn’t let go to call someone to help.

  I couldn’t let go to check if he had a pulse.

  I couldn’t let go.

  I just couldn’t let go…

  Chapter 34

  Hunter

  Present day – two weeks later

  This was a fuck of a lot harder than I’d thought it would be.

  Sitting on an Adirondack chair in Derek’s yard, I looked over at Natalia talking to a bunch of women and wondered if anyone else saw what I saw. Maybe they were blinded by her beauty—the smile that lit up a room, long legs toned just right so they were muscular, yet still feminine, and a dress that hugged her curves yet covered everything in a way that made it sexier to show less skin. But when she’d said hello earlier today, our eyes met for a brief second, and I saw it before she quickly made her escape. She was hurting beneath all those layers of beauty. And I fucking hated that I’d done that to her.

  I sucked back my second seltzer water, wishing it were something else. But after weeks of binge drinking—crap I hadn’t pulled since right after Jayce died—Derek had made me promise sobriety for the christening. It was the least I could do.

  My buddy sat in the chair next to mine, one arm holding his sleeping beauty in a long white dress that hung two feet longer than she was.

  “My wife is going to divorce me when she finds out, you know.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  He shot me a look that said don’t be a dick. “And she’s gonna find out. She could’ve just gone on thinking you were a perpetual douchebag who didn’t want to be tied down. But nope. You screwed that up. Ever since your drunken night talking about Jayce, she thinks you’re broken. And you know Anna. There’s nothing she likes better than a project to heal someone. She’s not going to stop digging until she knows every little thing about your life. I’m not offering details, but I also won’t lie to her. Eventually she’s going to ask me the specifics of the genetic disease he had and put two and two together.”

  “Don’t use bad language in front of my goddaughter, please.”

  Derek shook his head. He stayed quiet for a moment as we looked over at his wife and her best friend. His voice turned serious when he spoke again. “Nat deserves to know.”

  “No, what she deserves is a whole lot more than I can give her.”

  “What about you? Don’t you deserve some happiness?”

  I sipped my seltzer, wanting a drink to take the edge off in the worst way. “Leave the healing projects to your wife.”

  ***

  We couldn’t avoid each other at the church. The godparents sat on the end of the pew next to each other. Natalia had Caroline in her arms. She looked beautiful cradling a baby—a real natural. And it had nothing to do with how gorgeous she was. I tried not to look over at her, fighting the urge to stare, because for a brief second, I’d forget she wasn’t mine anymore. Then when I remembered, it hurt to breathe.

  One of the blankets on top of Caroline dropped to the floor, so I leaned forward to pick it up, dusting it off even though the marble floor was sparkling clean. The church was warm enough, so I laid it on the pew between us rather than covering the baby again.

  I finally found the courage to look up at Natalia, and when our eyes met, she waited for me to say something, do something. When I didn’t, she broke the ice.

  “The dress is beautiful, isn’t it?”

  My eyes washed over her. “Yeah. Red’s your color. You look gorgeous.”

  Natalia cracked a small smile. “I meant Caroline’s dress.”

  “Oh. Yeah. Her dress is beautiful, too.” I’m such a jackass.

  It was awkward, which felt like crap since our conversation had always flowed easily, since the first time we met.

  So, I attempted to make it better. “How’ve you been?”

  The look on her face told me I’d done the opposite. “Lonely. You?”

  I couldn’t bullshit her and leave her hanging when she’d been so honest. Forcing a pathetic excuse for a smile, I said, “About the same.”

  Then, like the asshole I am, my eyes dropped to her full lips. Sitting in a house of worship didn’t stop me from thinking about how much I’d love to see them swollen from my teeth. When I looked back up at her eyes, they told me she knew exactly the thought in my mind. Lucky for me, the organ music started, beginning the ceremony, or I might’ve done something stupid and leaned in the little bit separating us…in a church of all places.

  ***

  My buddy had won the party planning battle with his wife, so it was a low-key celebration after the christening. Just family and a few friends with some food catered back at Anna and Derek’s house—and Adam. I suppose Adam would fall into the friend category, since he and Derek worked together and are close enough that he was a groomsman in their wedding. But to me, tonight, Adam was enemy number one. I wondered if the asshole knew how close he’d come to getting to sleep with the beautiful woman he was currently talking to. Worse, I couldn’t stop thinking about whether Natalia might be in the same frame of mind tonight. She threw her head back and laughed at something the pencil neck said, and I nearly lost my shit. Since drinking wasn’t an option, I decided a time out was in order and took a walk.

  I found Izzy out front, bouncing a ball near the neighbor’s basketball hoop at the curb. I walked over. “How’s your free-throw ratio?”

  She bounced twice, then swished one into the net. “Never better.”

  I took off my jacket and laid it on the grass. “Up for a little one-on-one?”

  The wiseass looked from side to side. “Sure. Is there any real competition around to play?”

  I reached in and stole the ball mid-bounce, showing her where her competition was. “How you been?”

  “Good. I got game MVP a few weeks ago.”

  “Congratulations. That’s great.”

  She shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal and tried to swallow her proud smile. I bounced the ball, faking left, then right, took a few steps and shot from three-point distance.

  Swoosh.

  “Lucky shot,” she said.

  “Yeah. Okay. Your turn.” She grabbed the ball, and I stood in the way of the net with my hands up. “Get past me, MVP.”

  I’d like to say I let her blow by me to help her confidence. But I didn’t have to let her do anything. She didn’t break a sweat to pass me. And I found out all too quickly that my three-point shot was beginner’s luck. We played for a while, the game growing more intense with each basket we made. By the time we were done, my shirt was untucked, sleeves rolled up, and I was sweating like an out-of-shape old man. Izzy was barely winded.

  “Need a break?” she asked.

  I was bent over with my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath. “What gave you that idea?”

  She laughed, and we sat on the curb to cool off.

  “How are things going? Is Yakass being good to you, or do I have to fly out to New York to kick his ass?”

  “Yakshit, not Yakass. And everything’s good, I guess.”

  “You guess?”

  “Let me ask you something? Would you really fly across the country to kick a boy’s ass if he was mean to me?”

  I’m sure she thought I was kidding, but I wasn’t. “Absolutely.”

  “Then I should return the favor. Oh, wait…I just kicked your ass.” She smirked.

  I deserved that. Picking a few pieces of grass from the lawn, I asked, “How is she?”

  “Not so great...” Izzy turned to look me square in the face, “…thanks to you.”

  “I’m sorry, Izzy.”

  “I don’t get it. I thought you liked her.”

  “I did. I do.”

  “So, what’s the problem? Is it because yo
u live out here, and we live in New York?”

  “It’s complicated.”

  She shook her head. “It’s actually not. Adults just make things more complicated than they need to be. You like her. She likes you. You work it out.”

  “It’s not that simple. There’re a lot of other things that factor in as you get older.”

  “Are you going to jail?”

  Sadly, she was asking a serious question. “No, I’m not going to jail.”

  “Did you cheat on her?”

  “I don’t think this is an appropriate conversation to be having. But no, I didn’t cheat on her.”

  She ignored my comment. “Do you still think about her?”

  I nodded. It was impossible to not think about her all day long, even though I’d tried my hardest.

  Izzy was quiet for a long time, and I knew she was pondering how to put together the puzzle of our conversation. Although without all the pieces, she’d never be able to see the full picture. At least that’s what I thought, until she proved kids could see a lot more than adults thought they could.

  “My dad messed up in so many ways. He’s not the guy I thought he was. Over the last few years, I’ve sat around and thought about all of things he said to me. Because I’d never suspected he could be a liar, it made me question if I even knew how to tell the truth from his lies. So I doubted everything—did he love me? Did he want to be with me, be with us, or were we part of the act he put on for people? I didn’t realize it until recently, but Nat was feeling the same way. That’s why it was hard for her to move on, for both of us to move on. My dad claimed he didn’t tell Nat the truth because he didn’t want to hurt her. And of course, everyone thinks I’m too young to understand anything.” She shrugged. “Maybe I am too young to understand a lot of things. But what I’ve learned over the last two years is Nat doesn’t need protecting. She’s the strongest woman I know. So if you want to protect her—really allow her to move on without it dragging out for years like things with my dad did—don’t leave her questioning. Because while the truth hurts, it’s like a Band-Aid when you rip it off. The pain goes away. It’s the lies and questioning that keep you aching for a long time.”

  My mouth hung open. Not only had I had my ass handed to me in a game of one-on-one, I’d just been schooled on life and love by a sixteen year old.

  Chapter 35

  Hunter

  One week later

  Holy shit.

  I’d always suspected it was her.

  I came to visit Jayce a few times a year—but every year on his birthday, his grave always had flowers on it before I arrived. They were such an odd combination—a violet, a lily, a carnation, maybe two roses, and some Hawaiian birds of paradise. It wasn’t an arrangement a florist would ever put together. And they weren’t wrapped in the traditional way; only a string of jute bound the disorganized bundle together. It made me think someone had walked into a florist and just started picking out flowers they liked—or ones they thought the recipient would like—without regard to matching or making a bouquet of any sort.

  Which was why I’d always suspected it was her. It was classic Summer—bold and beautiful, as seen through her eyes.

  Her back was to me, but I knew it was her from two rows away. Out of habit, I stopped and watched from a distance. I’d done that for a few months after things ended—not wanting to see her, but not being able to keep the hell away.

  She paced back and forth in front of Jayce’s headstone, and I thought maybe she was talking to him. That seemed about right. I smiled when I saw her wag her finger at the stone. After watching longer than I should have, I turned to walk away. I’d come back later for my visit. But I’d only made it a half a dozen steps when her familiar voice called to me.

  “Hunter?”

  I froze. Shit.

  What the hell did I do now? Keep walking and pretend I didn’t hear her? I’d been a dick for long enough. Maybe it was time I manned up. Taking a deep breath, I slowly turned back around.

  How long had it been? Jayce had been gone more than seven years now. All that time and she looked exactly the same, yet nothing like she used to. She was still as beautiful as ever, but she looked more mature now—almost tamed.

  “Hey,” I said. Quite an unimpressive opener after so long.

  She smiled and tilted her head. “Were you leaving because you saw me?”

  Our eyes locked. “Truth?”

  “Always.”

  I nodded. “Yeah.”

  “I was just finishing up. I come every year on his birthday to yell at him. Just let me say goodbye, and I’ll go.” She turned to the headstone for a minute and then back to me. I still hadn’t budged from where I stood. “All done. He’s all yours to yell at.” Summer took a step toward the car parked on the nearby paved lane and looked my way again. “You look good, Hunter. I hope you’re happy.”

  She was almost at the car before I finally grew some balls—although I had no idea what I wanted to say.

  “Summer…wait.”

  I made my way to the end of Jayce’s row where she stood, only to stare down at my feet like an awkward schoolboy. “You look good,” I said.

  “How can you tell when you aren’t looking at me?” I heard the humor in her voice. She hadn’t changed, even after all these years.

  I looked up, and she smiled. It was genuine and real. Summer didn’t hold anger or grudges.

  “Are you happy?” I asked.

  Her hand went to her stomach, and she rubbed a small bump I hadn’t noticed. “I am. I’m four months pregnant and have morning sickness all day and night. But I’m happy.” She pointed over to the car. “That’s my husband, Alan.”

  Wow. I looked over at the parked car. I hadn’t noticed anyone sitting in it. Really on your game today. “Congratulations.”

  Her eyes searched my face. “Give me a minute, okay?”

  I nodded, mostly because I had no idea what she was talking about. But she walked over to the car and spoke to her husband behind the wheel. Leaning into the window, she kissed him before he started the engine.

  When she returned to where I stood, the car drove away. “Come on. Let’s go for a walk. Alan’s going to give us a little while to catch up.”

  I started walking along side of her, unsure where we were going or what she might have to say.

  “Are you married?” she asked.

  “No.”

  “Divorced?”

  “No.”

  “Kids?”

  “No.”

  She looked over, studying me. “You still have no idea, do you?”

  The question could’ve referred to a million things, but I knew exactly what she was asking. “No. I told you, I don’t want to know.”

  “So you still don’t have any symptoms?”

  I shook my head. “Not yet.”

  We walked in silence until the path came to a fork. We turned right.

  “Have you fallen in love since we broke up?”

  I didn’t have to consider it. “Her name’s Natalia.”

  “How does she feel about your decision to not get tested?”

  While I thought about how to answer, Summer came to the correct conclusion.

  She nodded. “You dumped me because you didn’t want to put me through possibly watching you get sick. I tried for months to get you to change your mind. So I’m guessing your warped brain now thinks it’s easier to not even tell someone you care about. Just love ’em and leave ’em with no explanation so they hate you. Am I right? She doesn’t know you have a fifty-fifty chance of developing Huntington’s disease. Or that you’re too stubborn to get tested.”

  “What good would it do? So she can worry about me?”

  Summer stopped. “I thought you said you loved her.”

  “I do.”

  “Then doesn’t she deserve the truth and a chance to make the decision with you?”

  “No. Sometimes lies save people a lot of pain. You knew, and it made it harder for you t
o move on. What if I told her and let her be part of the decision, and she convinced me to get tested. What if it’s positive and she won’t leave me, and then she has to watch me suffer and die at forty?”

  “What if it’s negative and you’ve missed a lifetime with Natalia?”

  I blew out a deep breath. “It’s too big a chance to take. She’s got history. You don’t understand. Every man has let her down in her life. I can’t do that to her—be another man who disappoints her.”

  She caught my eyes. “Sounds like you already are, Hunter.”

  ***

  The car was waiting again when we returned to Jayce’s grave almost a half hour later. Summer motioned to her husband to let him know everything was okay and held up two fingers.

  “I gotta go. We have a doctor’s appointment in a little while. But I’m really glad I ran into you.” She gave me a hug and took two steps toward her car before turning to walk backwards. “Truth or dare. Come on, one last time.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not giving your pregnant ass a chance to pick dare.”

  “Fine,” she said. “But only because I’m pregnant. Not because I’ve lost my balls. I’ll pick truth.”

  I chuckled and thought of a question. “Do you want a boy or a girl? And you can’t say you want a healthy baby, because we’re playing a serious game here.”

  Summer rubbed her belly. “If I could pick the sex, I’d pick a girl. But I’ll take a healthy baby of any sex.”

  “That’s fair.”

  “Your turn. Truth or dare?”

  “Since you picked truth, you know I have to pick dare.”

  It dawned on me that this had been her plan all along.

  “Go after the woman you love, let her be part of your life, and actually live for a change.”

  ***

  “You look like shit.”

  “That’s a nice way to answer the door.” I brushed past Derek and plopped down on his couch. We’d made plans to play racquetball tonight, yet he was still in a suit. “I didn’t realize there was a dress code.”