Sex, Not Love

by Vi Keeland

  “Wasn’t talking about your clothes. You look like hell. Have you slept lately?”

  I hadn’t, because the world was out to get me. In the last few days, I’d met Summer at my brother’s grave where I’d gotten a lecture. Then I’d flipped on the news to be slapped in the face by a story about the upcoming early release of Natalia’s asshole ex-husband, and finally, this afternoon I went to throw on some jeans that were back from the laundry and found a lacy red G-string of Natalia’s in the laundry bag.

  I’d forgotten I’d found it under the bed when I double-checked the sublet before I left. I’d stuffed it into my suitcase while I was packing and then scooped the contents of my suitcase into a laundry bag when I returned home. The panty find had brought me a momentary rush of excitement, until I realized I’d washed them and could no longer smell her, no matter how hard I tried.

  “Just busy at work,” I lied.

  Derek shook his head. “So full of shit. Whatever. You can try to fool everyone around you, but you can’t fool yourself, jackass. I’m going to get changed.”

  While he was changing, Anna came in the front door with the baby. She held her finger to her lips, motioning for me to keep quiet as she tiptoed past with the baby sleeping in her arms. She disappeared into Caroline’s room and came out with a monitor a minute later.

  “Sorry. She was a little fussy, so I took her for a walk and just got her to go down for a nap. I didn’t want to wake her.”

  “How’s my little peanut doing?”

  Anna’s face lit up. “She’s pretty awesome, if I say so myself.”

  She walked to the chair and sat across from me. “You want kids someday, Hunter?”

  That was a question I always hated to answer. Wanting kids and being able to have them were two different things. So while the answer was that I’d love to have a little rugrat one day, I answered with the half-truth that had become second nature to me.

  “Don’t think kids are in my future.”

  “How come?”

  Shit. Though I’d known Anna for years now, she’d always been my friend’s girl. A red box on the checkers board, when I was black. I hopped over and around her, but never landed there. We didn’t have these types of conversations. Obviously she had a reason to take an interest in me as something besides her husband’s buddy now, and that interest unnerved me. I looked over my shoulder, hoping to see Derek coming down the hall to interrupt. No such luck.

  “Some people are just meant to be cool uncles, not dads.”

  Most people took the hint at my vagueness. Not Anna.

  She squinted at me. “Are you always this dodgy when asked questions? I don’t think I’ve paid close enough attention before now.”

  My hand automatically went for my tie to loosen it, only I didn’t have one on. Before I could figure out how to respond to her non-question, she fired again. “You were great with Izzy. Maybe you shouldn’t sell yourself short.”

  “Izzy’s a great kid.”

  Anna studied me the way a detective examines a suspect. She was zoned in, ready for any telltale sign my face would give.

  “Nat’s done an amazing job with her,” she said.

  I looked away under her scrutiny, but she likely saw me flinch at the mention of Natalia’s name. “She has.”

  Anna waited until I met her eyes. I always used the same damn move on Nat when she tried to avoid me.

  “Too bad her father is going to be back in the picture soon. They’re releasing him next week—a month early due to overcrowding. I’m sure that will require readjustment for Izzy.”

  I nodded.

  But she didn’t stop goading me. “And Nat. I’m sure he’ll try to use Izzy to creep back into Nat’s life as much as possible.”

  It was impossible to remain steady after that comment. Even if I’d kept quiet, I knew my face screamed that I wanted to strangle someone.

  “Natalia’s smarter than that.”

  Anna went in for the kill. “She is…but she’s in a vulnerable place right now.”

  Luckily, Derek finally finished getting dressed. Anxious to get the hell out of here, I abruptly stood. “About time. We’re going to be late. They only had an hour of court time available.”

  Derek looked at his watch. “We have plenty of time.”

  Jackass.

  Ignoring him, I leaned down to brush my lips on Anna’s cheek. “It was nice to see you, Anna.”

  She made a face that said bullshit and stood.

  Derek snapped his fingers. “I forgot my racquet. Be right back.” My soon-to-be ex-friend disappeared again, leaving Anna and me facing each other. After a silent exchange, she reached out and squeezed my arm.

  “She’s in love with you,” she said softly. “But Garrett is a charmer….”

  I closed my eyes.

  “You ready?” Derek yelled as he emerged from the hall once again.

  “Yeah.” I locked eyes with Anna. “Have a good night.”

  Chapter 36

  Hunter

  I couldn’t sleep.

  The unsettled and jittery feeling inside my gut wouldn’t go away. In the seven years since Jayce had died, I’d never once debated my decision not to get tested. I knew what knowing, what waiting for it to happen, had done to my brother. And in case I’d softened, if I’d forgotten a single moment of the agony he’d suffered, I sat up in bed and opened my nightstand to relive every last painful reminder. Slipping the letter that was always with me from my drawer, I flipped on the bedside lamp. It was long past time for a re-read.

  Hunter,

  This morning it took me three tries to get cereal to my mouth. My hand shook so bad that each time it reached my lips, there was nothing left on the spoon. But on the third try, I managed to keep a little on—only to nearly choke to death because the muscles in my throat can barely manage to swallow anymore.

  I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

  I don’t have much left other than my dignity. I need to take it with me and not leave it behind with my bed-wetting and need for spoon-feeding like an infant. This will hurt you, but I know you will also understand why I needed to do it.

  My last prayer said on this Earth will be that you are spared.

  In case you are not, I don’t have much advice to give, other than to tell you things I wish I could’ve changed. I wish Emily would never have known about my diagnosis. I blame myself for her miscarriage because of how upset she was for so long. Then I pushed her away by telling her I hadn’t ever really loved her. But I did. I just couldn’t put her through the years I was about to face. Sometimes when you love someone, you have to let them go for their own good.

  Live life, little bro. Don’t spend it dwelling on your diagnosis like I did. Time flies whether you’re enjoying life or not. The choice is yours.

  Forgive me and move on.

  Love, Jayce

  I read that damn note a half a dozen times. Normally when I did that, I focused on his pain—I’d needed to justify what my brother had done over and over in my mind to accept it was for the best. But this time, I was stuck reading one passage over and over.

  Live life, little bro. Don’t spend it dwelling on your diagnosis like I did. Time flies whether you’re enjoying life or not. The choice is yours.

  I’d always interpreted don’t dwell on your diagnosis like I did to validate my decision not to get tested. What was the point of knowing, when there would be nothing I could do to prevent the onset of the disease? Why live life waiting for a death sentence to begin, when I could move on instead?

  Only…

  For the first time in my life, I pondered whether I was even living. Sure, I had relationships—sexual relationships—a job I loved, and a few close friends. That had always been enough. But was I moving on and living my life or was I just existing and waiting for a fucking symptom to occur anyway? I hadn’t wanted to know so I could choose to live every day like it was my last and not have that life chosen for me. Yet if I could choose how to spend my la
st day here on Earth, I’d want to be with Natalia. So was I really accomplishing what I’d set out to do?

  I reread the end of the letter again.

  Live life, little bro. Don’t spend it dwelling on your diagnosis like I did. Time flies whether you’re enjoying life or not. The choice is yours.

  I’d equated not dwelling on my diagnosis with not finding out. I’d thought not knowing had been what kept me from planting roots all these years. But suddenly, I realized roots had already been planted, and a strong vine had grown and wrapped around my heart. It wasn’t the uncertainty of my health that had kept me blowing in the wind, it was that I hadn’t found the one who made me want to weather a storm, allowing those roots to burrow in deeper.

  Natalia was the one. I’d loved Summer. She was my first love. But she hadn’t been the one. Maybe we were too young. Maybe I’d always thought of her as my first love because deep down I’d known she wasn’t my last.

  Natalia—she’s my one.

  I fell in love long before I was willing to accept what it was.

  What would change for me now if I took the test and found out it was positive? Would I go back to mindless fucking between two consenting adults? How is that any different than trying to move on without finding out now?

  Don’t spend it dwelling on your diagnosis…

  She wouldn’t even have to know I’d taken the test if it was positive.

  But what if I took the test and found out it was negative?

  The choice is yours…

  Didn’t the risk of finding out outweigh the risk of losing her?

  It was almost one on the morning, but after I finally grew a pair of balls and answered that question, I needed to talk to someone. Reaching for my cell, I scrolled through my contacts until I found the one I needed and hit send.

  He answered on the fourth ring with sleep in his voice. “Hunter? Is everything okay?”

  I blew out a deep breath. “Yeah, Uncle Joe. Everything’s fine. I’m sorry to call so late. But I need to get blood drawn. Can I come by your office first thing tomorrow?”

  “Are you sick?”

  “No.” I paused. “But I need to know now.”

  No further explanation was required. Uncle Joe took a moment to process what I’d said. “Give me a few minutes to get dressed. I’ll meet you at the office in a half hour.”

  “It’s one in the morning.”

  “I know. But you didn’t make this call lightly. I want to hear what’s going on. I’ll bring coffee. If you still want to get tested after we hash things out for a while, I know a lab that opens at six. I’ll draw the blood, take it over myself, and ask them to put a rush on it.”

  Chapter 37

  Hunter

  “Turn on your TV—NBC.”

  No hello. No how you doing, buddy.

  I picked up the remote, flicked the TV on, and turned to the station Derek had said. A commercial for Rogaine played on the screen. I muted it to speak.

  “I don’t have much going for me these days, but I have my hair.”

  “Just wait.”

  “You’re not making me watch a two-hour, B-flick horror movie again just so I can see your name at the end as robotics consultant, are you?”

  “Shut up and watch.”

  I’d just gotten in from a morning meeting, so I kicked off my shoes and pulled my dress shirt from my slacks. I’d started to unbutton with my cell tucked between my shoulder and ear when the news started to play.

  I grabbed the remote to turn up the volume without noticing that my cell had fallen from my hold and landed somewhere on the couch.

  What the fuck?

  The screen flashed video of a man walking through a gaggle of reporters toward an apartment building. Beneath it read Convicted Ponzi scheme organizer Garrett Lockwood released early. A bunch of reporters shoved microphones in his face, asking questions about restitution to victims as he attempted to walk.

  Garrett held up his hand, clearly no stranger to attention, and said, “Guys, I just want to be home with my family. I’ll answer whatever questions you have tomorrow.”

  But that wasn’t what had me squeezing the remote so hard I cracked the battery panel cover. It was the building he was walking home to.

  Natalia’s apartment building.

  The segment didn’t last more than a minute before the news went on to a story about a string of home invasions. I stood staring at the TV, having forgotten all about Derek until I heard a muted voice calling my name in the distance. It was coming from my phone on the couch.

  “Shit.” I picked up my cell. “Sorry. I dropped my phone.”

  “Did you see it?”

  “What the hell is she doing letting him stay at her place?”

  “I don’t know. But I can think of one way to find out.”

  Derek had been busting my balls to call Natalia since things ended. But since I’d confided in him that I’d gotten tested, he’d been relentless.

  “You know the results aren’t due in until Friday.”

  “Yeah, I guess Nat will just share a bed with her ex until then. That is, if you get the results you want. You don’t mind sloppy seconds, do you?”

  “What the fuck? What do you expect me to do?”

  “Get your head out of your ass, for starters.” He paused. “It’s two o’clock here. If you head to the airport now, you can get to her by, what, midnight?”

  My heart started to thunder inside my chest. I couldn’t do that.

  Could I?

  Storm to New York to tell a woman I’d essentially walked away from that she couldn’t shack up with her ex-husband?

  That would take real balls.

  Pacing back and forth, I forgot I was on the phone, even though I had it held to my ear, until Derek spoke again.

  “You’re gonna regret it, man. There’s such a thing as taking too long to make a decision.”

  I dragged my fingers through my hair. Fuck. He was right.

  “I gotta go.”

  “Go get her, man. It’s about fucking time.”

  ***

  I’d spent six hours on a plane trying to figure out what I would say when I got here. Yet I still didn’t have a goddamn clue. I’d gotten tested. If the results were negative, I’d planned to do everything in my power to win Natalia back. But Garrett’s release complicated things. Even without me in the picture, she deserved better than that asshole.

  I’d caught the interior door from someone exiting as I walked in, so Natalia wouldn’t have any notice I was here until I was standing at her door. Wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or bad. I jabbed my finger at the up bottom on the elevator panel for the second time and stared at the slowly descending numbers above the doors while I tapped my foot. Sweat started to bead on my forehead even though the air was chilly today.

  What if he answered the door?

  Worse, what if I interrupted something going on between them?

  My heart began to pound as I imagined the different circumstances that could possibly greet me.

  When the elevator finally showed up, it stopped and opened on every floor, even though only the fourth floor button was illuminated. Talk about testing patience.

  At her door, I took a minute in an attempt to steady myself. It was eleven o’clock at night, her ex-husband could be inside, and I had no damned idea what I was even going to say. Great plan. Two deep breaths did nothing to calm me, and since I thought it was possible I might explode if I didn’t get to her, I knocked and waited.

  I knew I was taking a chance.

  I knew I had no right to be possessive when I was the one who’d walked away.

  I knew showing up after three weeks and without calling was a dick move.

  But I also knew I loved this woman.

  Which was why it felt like my heart ripped out of my chest when the door finally opened. And I was staring at Garrett, who stood inside her apartment wearing nothing but his boxers.

  Chapter 38

  Hunter />
  “I need to speak to Natalia.” My fists balled, but miraculously, I managed to keep them at my sides and not punch the asshole in the face.

  Garrett squinted and looked me up and down. He stepped into the doorway and pulled the door closed behind him before folding his arms across his bare chest. “We’re a little busy right now.” He lifted his chin. “Whatever you were to Nat while I wasn’t here, you aren’t anymore, buddy.”

  I had two choices: Push past him—which I knew from a quick glance at his physique wouldn’t be an issue—and demand to speak to Natalia, or turn around with my tail between my legs and leave, because there was no way in hell this guy planned to let me in.

  I wasn’t leaving without seeing Natalia. I didn’t want a fight with this guy. Yet I needed to talk to her.

  Luckily, Garrett wasn’t prepared for how dead set I was to speak to her, so it didn’t take much effort to brush past him. I caught him off guard, but his hand was already on my shoulder as I yelled Natalia’s name inside the apartment.

  “Get out. Whoever you are, my wife doesn’t want to see you anymore.”

  I pushed his hand from my shoulder and turned to face him. “Ex-wife. And I’d like to hear that from Natalia directly. I don’t want a scene. I just want to speak to her.”

  The sound of a door creaking open from down the hallway interrupted our stare-off, and we both turned in the direction of the noise. I was expecting Natalia, but instead Izzy walked down the hall, pushing a set of Bose headphones from her ears.

  She either hadn’t heard the confrontation brewing with her father or didn’t care. Her face lit up when she saw me. “Hunter! What are you doing here?”

  I caught Garrett studying our interaction from my peripheral vision. “I stopped by to talk to Natalia. Sorry if I woke you, honey.”

  She waved me off. “I wasn’t sleeping.”

  I used the opportunity to push for what I’d come for. “Is Nat sleeping? Would you mind telling her I’m here?”