There

by Denise Grover Swank

  After Reece picks out a pair of boots, we head to the counter to barter for our items.

  A boy our age waits for us. He wears worn jeans and a sweater. He tilts his head. “Where you all headed.”

  “Just passing through,” Evan answers.

  “Everybody’s just passing through.” He laughs. “But most people passing through have done so already. It’s kind of late in the season. Especially with the snow. Are you headed up into the mountains?”

  “Yeah,” Evan shrugs. “We got a late start.”

  The boy pulls a faded pamphlet from under the counter. “Do you have a map?”

  We have the handheld tablet, but I suspect that this boy’s map will be more accurate given the government’s lies.

  “We’ll take it.” Evan picks it out of the boy’s hand. “I hear you have ethanol.”

  “Yeah, for a price.”

  “Doesn’t everything have a price?”

  The boy surveys the items on the counter. “Look, if you’re headed through the pass, you better take some meals in a pouch.” He walks around the counter into the store and picks up a packet from the table.

  Evan takes one and looks it over. I expect them to look like the military pouches we’ve been eating, but these appear homemade.

  The boy hands one to Reece. “You’ve never seen one? You must have been living under a rock.”

  “Pretty much,” Reece smirks.

  “They’re meals in a bag. You don’t need to cook them. Just open and eat.”

  Evan hands one to me. “How much?”

  They haggle over a price for the pouches as well as the boots and ethanol. Evan is able to trade without using our tobacco. The boy tells us to meet him out back with the jeep.

  Evan takes the keys from Reece. “You two stay out front and wait for Jo while I go fill up.”

  “Are you sure it’s safe to split up?” I ask. “The last time we split up in a town, we faced a disaster.”

  “You’ve walked the street, Reece.” Evan says. “How safe do you think it is?”

  “We’re fine.”

  Evan nods. “Then wait for Jo. Her fifteen minutes are about up.” He starts the jeep and drives around the block.

  I cinch my coat tighter against the wind. “Are we really fine or did you tell him that so he would leave?” My tone is harsher than I intend.

  Reece looks across the street, refusing to look at me. “If you’re insinuating that I wanted to be alone with you, you’re wrong. You made your choice perfectly clear.”

  “Reece, it’s complicated.”

  “No, it’s not.” His words are so soft I barely hear them. He turns to me. His nose is red from the wind and pain fills his eyes.

  The urge to reach up and touch him is overwhelming. The sight of him has ignited her memories, and they jostle with my psyche for control. I stuff my hands in my pockets. The mittens he gave me are buried underneath my hands, adding to my guilt. “You don’t understand, Reece. That’s not me. Those feelings belong to the other Julia.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Her feelings and her memories are inside me, buried deep in my head. But they keep slipping out. I remember things that happened, things between you and her. Things that didn’t happen to me. They feel like they’re my memories, but they’re not. They’re hers.”

  He remains skeptical. “How is that possible?”

  “I don’t know. Evan’s not sure either.”

  “But you kissed me…”

  It’s my turn to look away. I can’t take the pleading in his eyes. The wall I’ve put up to keep the memories back is crumbling. “That wasn’t me, Reece. That was her. Her memories took control, and I couldn’t stop it.”

  “But…”

  “You said you wanted to know if she loved you. Your whole reason for helping Evan come find me was to find out for sure if she loved you.” I turn back to him, a lump in my throat. “She loved you, Reece. More than you could possibly know.”

  Tears fill his eyes. “What am I supposed to do with that?” His voice breaks, and my heart shatters with it.

  “I don’t know.”

  A tear slips down his cheek. “I waited so long to hear her say that.”

  I clench my hand in my pocket, resisting the urge to brush his tear away, unsure which one of us wants to comfort him. Maybe both of us. Even if I don’t love him, I still care about him. “She told you she loved you when she was dying.”

  He looks startled. “How can you know that?” he whispers. “I never told anyone.”

  “I told you. Her memories are in here.” I point to my temple. “They slip out from time to time, especially when I’m with you. Even now I’m fighting them from taking control. I didn’t mean for that kiss to happen. I just couldn’t contain her feelings. I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “Too late.” And he stomps off, crushing my heart with every step.

  A sob escapes before I can swallow it. I sense someone beside me and turn, wiping my tears with the back of my hand.

  “Bad day?” Jo asks.

  I hiccup. “You have no idea.” Then again, from the look on her face, maybe she does.

  She waits for me to compose myself. “Better?”

  “Not really. But I’ll survive.”

  Nodding, she looks at the empty parking spot where the jeep was.

  “Evan bought ethanol in the store and went around back to get it.”

  “And Reece?” Something in her voice tells me she knows he’s the reason I’m upset.

  “He stomped off. I hurt him.”

  “He’s a big boy. He’ll get over it.”

  But I’m not so sure. His heart has been broken all over again. How do I face him knowing that I’m the one who keeps breaking it?

  The sound of an engine fills the street, a sound I’m still not used to after the quiet solar-powered truck engine. The jeep turns the street corner and drives toward Jo and me.

  I pull myself out of my self-pity to see the pain in Jo’s eyes. When will I stop feeling sorry for myself and recognize other people’s pain? I want to ask her if she found her brother, but the evidence is written on her face. I rest my hand on her arm. “Do you need anything from the store before we all leave?”

  And for the first time since I met her, I see a tear roll down her cheek. Surprisingly, she doesn’t wipe it away. “Why do you want me to come? No one wants me.”

  I want to hug her and tell her it will be okay, but I have no idea if it will or not, and I doubt she will accept more than my hand on her arm. “I really do want you to come, Jo. You can’t let me be the only girl stuck crossing these mountains with these two guys. Besides, you and I are friends, and I won’t leave you here. You took care of me after Reece went to take the medicine to Evan. You could have left me, maybe should have left me, but you didn’t. How can I leave you now?”

  The jeep stops next to the curb, and Reece is in the passenger seat, glaring at Jo.

  “Reece doesn’t want me to come.”

  “Reece has been outvoted. Besides, it’s not that he doesn’t want you to come. It’s just that he hasn’t figured out that he does want you to.”

  She laughs, a wry, gravelly sound. “Damn, Chipper. You’re living up to your name.”

  I bump my shoulder into hers in mock annoyance. “Oh, yeah? Get in the car already.”

  To my surprise, she gives me a momentary hug before she opens the back door and slides into the seat.

  I have to swallow the lump in my throat before I get in.

  Evan keeps the car parked, his hand draped over the steering wheel, and for a moment I worry he’s going to question Jo’s decision to come with us despite what he said earlier. Instead, he turns around to face her. “We got a map at the store.” Evan holds it up and points. “We need to get over the mountains. From what I can tell, this looks like the best way to go.” He points to a section on the map that looks like it’s where Northern California should be. “Reece’s information s
ays they’re in this area. What do you think?”

  She studies the sheet and nods. “From everything I’ve heard, the location looks right.” Her finger scrolls across the map to the west. “And that’s definitely the best way to go. Even though the roads are torn up, we should still be able to follow the trail.”

  “Thanks.” He smiles then turns around.

  My heart swells with pride. He knows that she doesn’t want him to make a big deal that she’s decided to come with us, yet he’s let her know we consider her a valuable asset.

  She looks out the side window, turning her face away from me.

  We ride in silence for several hours, and my ankle spasms from being so confined. The jeep ascends the snowy incline, going over a path with tire ruts. Evan and Reece question its implications. We haven’t seen any other vehicles since leaving town.

  Jo assures us it’s not a bad sign. “The people I talked to said that every so often a car or truck comes through. There are towns to the west, close to the ocean, so some people decide to go there.”

  Evan looks into the rearview mirror. “Are there towns?”

  “Very few people have seen them. It’s mostly speculation and rumors. It’s hard to travel out west with the lack of fuel for vehicles, and the lack of water for foot travelers. I know for certain that the rebels are out there, but any other cities? I don’t know. Besides the rebels, the only other people I know for certain are out west are scavengers.”

  “Like rats.” Reece sneers.

  Evan frowns and catches Reece’s eye, then turns to Jo. “Good enough info for me.”

  Reece doesn’t answer, and if Evan finds this odd, he keeps it to himself.

  Chapter Fifteen

  After a few more hours, the sky begins to darken. Evan yawns. “We should find someplace to spend the night. We’re exhausted and it could get dangerous if we push on.”

  “Agreed,” Reece murmurs, breaking his long silence after spending most of the afternoon slumped against the passenger window. Evan said Reece had gotten information about his mother. I want to ask him what he discovered, but I’m the last person he wants to talk to right now. And if I’m honest, a battle is being waged inside my head. The need to be with him, the need to stay away to keep memories that aren’t mine at bay. Being this close to him has been difficult. Until now I’ve been able to keep her compartmentalized, but I feel tendrils of her memories slithering loose, mingling with my own.

  We all keep an eye out for a place to stop. We’ve already passed a few houses but most appeared uninhabitable. About fifteen minutes later, Reece spots one that looks acceptable.

  It’s a small stone house set about fifty feet off the road. Fallen trees cover the property but amazingly didn’t hit the structure. Evan pulls off the road and drives toward it through an obstacle course of tree trunks.

  Reece hops out first and tries the front door. When it swings open, Reece looks back at us in surprise. I think we all expected to have to break in.

  I take my time getting out of the car, not wanting to hobble and look weak. My ankle is stiff and although I put most of my weight on my good foot, I end up stumbling. Evan grabs my arm to keep me from falling, pulling me to his chest.

  I smile up at him, drawing in a breath when I notice the way he’s staring at me. A blush rises to my cheeks. The heat of my face rivals the heat building in my chest.

  His arm slips around my waist bringing me closer, his other hand reaching for my cheek. He gives me a soft kiss, his lips lingering on mine for several seconds before he lifts his head. “I’ve been wanting to do that all afternoon.”

  “Me too.”

  A twinkle fills his eyes. “Later.” He starts to release me then pulls me to him again, kissing me with more insistence and making me wonder what later will bring.

  I’m breathless when his arms drop.

  “If you wait a minute, I’ll help you into the house.” He moves to the back of the jeep, his eyes on me while he flashes a playful grin.

  My heart soars, and I realize that during these moments I’ve spent with Evan, the other memories have retreated. What does it mean?

  I wave and start toward the front door. “That’s okay, I walked a lot farther yesterday.” We’re out in the middle of the Wild West. I can’t expect people to wait on me.

  Jo comes out from behind the open back of the jeep and lifts her eyebrows. She casts a quick glance to Evan then moves to the front door. She deserves an explanation, but I need to talk to Evan about it first.

  I hobble after her as Reece is coming out.

  He refuses to look at me, keeping his eyes on Evan. “Other people have stayed here, but it looks like this place hasn’t been used in a while.”

  Evan walks up behind me, carrying one of the chests. “Good. We should be reasonably safe for the night.”

  Reece nods, looking out to the road. “I doubt it would be a good permanent spot, but I think it’s okay for one night. There’s a fireplace. I’m going to get some wood. We’ve got plenty of it out here.”

  Evan walks into the house with me and we stand in the doorway while we wait for our eyes to adjust to the dim lighting. Old, rustic furniture fills the room and a stone fireplace takes up one wall. Jo disappears down the hall, then returns seconds later. “There are two bedrooms. With beds.” Amazement fills her voice, and I wonder how long it’s been since she slept in one. Or if she’s ever slept in one.

  After Reece returns with wood, he spends several minutes starting a fire with flint and steel and an old rag. He curses several times before he gets a spark to catch. It soon turns into a roaring fire since the wood is so old and dry. Evan and Jo bring in our supplies, unwilling to leave them in the jeep. They lock the doors and we sit on the floor around the fire. This is the first time I’ve felt thoroughly warm in days, and the heat makes me sleepy.

  Evan passes out a ration of food, and while we eat, the three of them plan our travel for tomorrow.

  I sit in silence, having nothing to contribute, and feeling even more like dead weight. Everyone has performed some task since we got here, and all I’ve done is sit around and wait.

  Our eyelids droop while we eat. We got little sleep after our middle-of-the-night escape and we’re exhausted. The boys discuss whether they should take turns standing guard through the night, but Jo reassures them that the locked doors are good enough. If someone tries to break in, we’ll hear them and have plenty of time to respond.

  Reece stands and stretches. “I’m going to do one last check outside, then head to bed.” He heads out the front door, disappearing before we can respond.

  Jo gets up. “I’m going to bed.” She starts for the hall, then stops. “There are only two beds.”

  Evan holds my gaze for several awkward seconds. “Take whichever room you want,” he says. “Jules will be along in a minute.”

  My feelings are confusing. Part of me is relieved but another part is disappointed. Rejecting Reece again has left me unsettled. While I want to stay with Evan to discuss what’s going on in my head, I also recognize that the foreign presence clinging to my mind is stilled in Evan’s presence. But it’s more than that. When I’m with Evan, I believe that he might actually find a way to fix this. Disappointment and confusion must be written on my face.

  Still holding my gaze Evan reaches for my hand and laces our fingers, our palms against each other. “Trust me, I would love to sleep next to you because I can’t stand the thought of being apart—and I’d even promise to be a gentleman—but if we do, then Reece would have to sleep with Jo, and we both know how well that would go over.”

  I snort, knowing all too well.

  “You should probably go to bed. You’ve had a rough several days.”

  I look at the dancing flames. “Not yet. I’m not ready to leave you yet, and I need to talk to you about my memories.”

  Evan scoots closer to me, resting his back against the dusty sofa. He pulls my body toward him until we sit hip to hip, his arm around my back. �
�Your memories? Or hers?”

  “Hers.”

  “Have you had any more slips with hers?”

  “Yes.” I tell him about remembering Reece on the playground while we were walking to Deacon City. And also that I’ve had other instances. But I hesitate telling him about my rush of memories when I’m around Reece. And I don’t want to tell him about kissing Reece. Maybe I can tell him only what’s necessary. “When I’m around Reece, it seems like her memories are stronger. Like I have to hold them back to keep them from taking over my own.”

  His arm stiffens. “And what about when you’re with me? Or Jo?”

  “Jo is neutral. And the same as you. While I can sense her memories in the back of my head, I don’t have to hold them back as much as I do around Reece.” His body relaxes and I lean my cheek against his chest, amazed at how well we fit together. I don’t want to lose him over this. I don’t want to lose my mind. “I don’t know what to do, Evan. What do you think it means?”

  His arm tightens around my waist and he leans his cheek on top of my head. He smells like smoke and old clothes. “I’m not certain.” I hear his worry and my stomach cramps. “Is it getting worse?”

  To admit it makes it real, but ignoring it won’t help anything either. I have to face my fears, and hope Evan can come up with a solution. “Yes. Before I only got snatches of her memories, but now I always feel her in my head. It’s like a constant hum.” I look up at him. “Why is this happening?”

  “I think it’s because of the accident. You were both at the same place on the road at the same time, and it was at a weak spot between the universes. Still, I wouldn’t necessarily attribute your memory confusion to the incident if it weren’t for the fact you had her bracelet. And not only could you suddenly draw, but you were drawing mine and Reece’s names. And then your dreams…I think somehow your subconsciouses fused together.”

  “Fused?” I jerk upright and twist to face him. “You mean I’m stuck this way?”

  He doesn’t answer.

  “It’s getting worse, Evan,” I whisper. “I’m scared that I’m going to lose me.”

  He brushes my cheek with the back of his fingers. “I know. But I’ll fix this.”