“Babe, you've got to let go of my waist.”
I turn bright red and unhook my legs from around Jay's waist. He grins down at me, looking highly amused.
“Enjoy the race?”
I smirk, “It was alright.”
Jay lightly bumps my hips, “Get in the passengers seat. I'm going take you on your first drift ride.”
“What about the next race?”
“Yo, Creed!” Jay hollers to a group a few feet away. “I'm going for a run. Keep it clear.” The last sentence was in a typical threatening manner and it makes me internally laugh.
“You got it man. You staying for the last race?”
Jay looks down at me before answering, “Maybe, not sure.”
He opens the passenger door for me before getting into the driver's seat.
“Where did you learn to do that?” I gush out, voice full of admiration and pride.
“By accident. Then I found out what I did was a real thing and I've been hooked ever since.”
“I'm assuming that I'm not allowed to hear how it happened by accident?”
“Yup.”
I'm too happy to get upset over another vague answer and I let it go this time.
The car takes off and I become absorbed in watching Jay. He looks carefree and happy. I wish we never had to leave this track and I could always see him looking this way.
“Here we go!” Jay shouts wickedly as we take the first turn at an unbelievably fast speed. An “oh shit” tumbles out of my mouth. I grab the top assist handle and reach my hand across me to hold on to the door as we move around a curve at a speed I'm sure is going to kill us. I start to close my eyes.
“Keep them open, it's more of a thrill.”
“Don't look at me! Are you crazy! Watch the road!”
Jay finds my hysterics hilarious and if I didn't have a death grip on the handles I'd pinch him.
We come out of the bank alive and my heart is pounding at a speed NASCAR would envy.
“Fuck!” I cry, “That's intense!”
Jay laughs.
As we approach a right corner I watch him countersteer by turning the steering wheel to the left.
“What are you doing?!”
“Relax, baby, this is how you drift. It keeps the car from spinning out.”
I knuckle the handles even harder, knowing what to expect this time. I watch Jay's hands go back and forth from the wheel to the stick, his feet at a constant state of movement working the gas and clutch. I haven't once seen him use the brake, which impresses me even more.
The rest of the track my fear disappears and I have a blast. Before he stops the car he spins us around in circles, causing me to scream out in delight.
Jay kills the engine and I beam at him.
“That was amazing! You're amazing! You blow me away, Jay!”
He gives me a shy grin that makes me fall even harder for him.
That was a kind of rush I didn't know existed. As I get out I'm in a weird adrenaline-rush daze. I am forever changed.
Jay strolls over to me and wraps his arms around me, tucking his hands into my back pockets. The same fire from the truck is back in his eyes and this time it arouses an intense hunger deep inside me, a hunger for Jay, a hunger for sex so intense I ache. I've never ached down there before; it leaves me frustrated and needing Jay in a way I've never needed a man before.
“Stop looking at me like that, Lily. That's a dangerous look to give a man.”
“Take me home, Jay.” He knew what I meant from the expression on my face and the tone of my voice because he sucks in his breath, takes a hand in his, and moves full speed to his truck with me barely able to keep up.
Jay opens my side, thrusts me in, and slams the door. By the time he gets into the driver's seat I can't take it any more and I pounce on him. I throw a leg over to straddle him and we resume our ravenous kiss from before, but this time our hands move everywhere at a frantic pace like they can't decide what to feel or where to touch. My hips have a mind of their own and they rub against the hard bulge in his pants. Jay's lips began to suck and bite my neck as a hand slides under my shirt. His huge hand completely consumes my bare breast, and his rough calloused fingers pinch and tug my nipple. The roughness of Jay's fingers is erotic. It causes my head to roll back and a low, deep moan to come out. Jay moves his other hand up the front of my stomach and my arousal clenches in anticipation for him to touch my other breast. My back arches and I lift my shirt up to rest on my chest. He kisses my belly and my hips keep lightly grinding and working him all on their own. When he takes a nipple in his mouth a noise escapes my mouth I've never heard before. It's a cross between a whimper and an animal-like groan.
Jay brings a hand around my back and forces it to straighten up before going down to my jeans to unzip the front. His hand slides right under my panties and touches the part of me that's ready to explode with my need for him. His fingers stroke and rub expertly and my hips continue to work as if they have a mind of their own. A finger slides inside me and I almost lose it. Another whimper escapes from the back of my throat.
Jay moans loudly and his head falls back on the headrest, “Fuck you're tight.”
Jay tries inserting another finger and I stiffen in pain, causing his arm to tense and halt all movement. His head shoots up and his eyes are big and frightened.
“Are you a virgin?” His eyes search mine and my stomach drops, “No, wait, you told me that shithead forced himself in you.”
Then he studies me in a way only Jay can – like he can read my mind or see my thoughts. His hands are off my body in a nanosecond and they cover his face as he leans back on the headrest. “Was that your first time?”
“Yes,” I whisper, pulling my shirt down.
“Fuck,” Jay mumbles into his hands. We stay like this for some time while I watch his over-excited breathing normalize.
Will had had enough waiting, and when he got his promotion – from his dad's firm so it was expected – he thought that I owed him a congratulations present and it should come in the form of my virginity. When I told him I still wasn't ready he took it from me anyway, against my will. He took it despite my cries of protest, despite the tears that flooded down faster than Niagara Falls, despite the fact that it was more than my virginity he was taking – he took the only part left of me he didn't control. Afterward he had told me I was a tease who deserved it for stringing him along for so long; that no man was that patient and I'm lucky he was so good to me and hadn't done it sooner.
Jay lifts his head and takes my face between his hands, forcing me to look at him, “You've had sex one time and it was rape.”
“I wouldn't really call it rape.”
“Did you want to?”
“No,” I answer, my throat tightening up.
“Did he force you?”
I nod yes because my throat's so tight it hurts and I'm trying to stop my eyes from tearing up.
“Then it was fucking rape. Christ, Lily!” I jump and I thought he was mad at me for how fiercely he yelled and is rubbing his facial scars. “I'm such a dick. Here I am mauling you, first time we kiss and I’m already in your pants. Shit,” he buries his head in my stomach and wraps his arms around me, “I'm so sorry, Lily.”
“If I remember correctly I attacked you, twice. I wanted you, I wanted what you were doing to me. God I wanted it.”
He shakes his head on my belly before looking up, “We can't do this. You deserve your next time to be with someone you love, who's going to be here for you.”
I kiss him and he's hesitant at first but then responds back. “But I want you,” I say against his lips.
“You deserve more than a few fucks from me. I'm leaving soon.”
“I know,“ I snap. “You remind me every hour.”
He lifts me up and moves me onto the passengers seat. He starts the engine and begins the drive home, “I told myself not to fucking touch you. Your innocence comes off you like a damn perfume.”
I sit
there with my arms hugging myself, feeling rejected and a little like a fool for letting my emotions overrule responsible thoughts earlier. I'm also pissed at myself for once again letting myself care too much about Jay when clearly I'm...what? What am I to him?
“You confuse me,” I say softly, staring out my window. “Your kisses confuse me, your mood swings confuse me, our friendship confuses me – if you can even call it that. Friends don't kiss like we do. In fact, I’m thinking most people will go through life never knowing a kiss like that, which is a damn shame.” My voice gradually gets higher as anger starts to build. Why do I let Jay get under my skin so much?
“You confuse me too,” Jay reaches over for my hand, “I told you my life has been solitary. It confuses me that having you sleep in my bed has turned into almost a need. That's confusing as hell to me. I don't want to push you away, but I can't let us become something we will never be. And yeah, the way we kiss is...there's not even a word for it. I had no idea kissing could feel so...” he sighs at a loss for words and I know exactly what he means. It's like our lips were made to kiss each other.
“I know you're leaving soon, but I don't understand why you don't want anything to happen?”
“You're the kind of girl a guy knows he'll fall hard for if he lets you in and be in it for life.”
“You're afraid of falling for me?”
“It's going to be hard enough to leave you, adding intimacy between us will only make it worse.”
I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything. Instead, I unbuckle and move to the middle seat. I re-buckle, rest my head on his shoulder, and kiss the hand I'm still holding. We drive the rest of the way home in silence.
When we arrive home I go to my place and he goes to his, but he hands me his key, which I'm assuming means he wants me over when he gets off.
Chapter 11
Sunday, January 12
3:46am
I roll over to reach for Jay but feel cool cotton instead. I blindly reach for my phone on his nightstand to find it's a half-hour past the time he gets home.
Half asleep, I roll out of bed and trudge down the hall to find the living room and kitchen pitch black. I look out the living room window to see his truck in the driveway.
He's probably in the garage.
I sleepily rub my eyes and start towards the hall but stop when movement in the backyard catches my attention.
I walk over and stare out the back, which is open. Jay's standing out in the middle of his backyard with flannel pajama bottoms on and shirtless. The only light is the moon and it casts just enough of a glow that I can make out his perfectly sculpted body. I soak him in and the beautiful fluid movements his body is making as it moves gracefully and slow. I recognize it as Tai Chi, but I’ve never seen someone do it in person. Jay looks like he's not present, that his mind has gone somewhere else. It's breathtaking to watch. Once again I'm mesmerized by him and his many talents.
He doesn’t seem to register I'm here and then I see his face shift ever so slightly. He moves an arm out and gestures for me to come over. I nervously join him. I'm not sure if he's upset or not because it's too dark to see his features.
Once we are closer I can fully see his face. It's devoid of any emotion and I try not to panic.
The back of Jay's hand lightly brushes my cheek. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, letting a peace wash over me. His hands take hold of my shoulders and turn me around, making my back face him. He has me do the movements with him, guiding my body as we go along. I'm completely lost in the moment. It's beautiful, sensual, and I have never felt more connected to anyone as I do right now. It's powerful, a little scary, and oddly makes me feel like I could cry. Not happy or sad tears, it's something deeper. Maybe this is what happens when two souls connect and become one.
He moves us and we are back to standing position but our hands remain together. One of his hands slowly starts to trail up my arm. It moves my hair then goes around my waist under my shirt, letting his thumb draw circles around my bellybutton. I first feel the tickle of his scruff, and then the softness of his lips as he presses them down on the curve of my neck. His lips don't go any further and he takes long, deep breaths, taking me in.
My head falls back and rests against him. I want to remember everything about this moment: the way it feels to be with him, the moonlight, the warm masculine scent of him, but mostly the deep peace I feel.
I turn to face him and it's the first time I’ve been able to see the markings and scars covering his skin. My throat tightens up at the sight of them. The first one I touch is a long one that trails over his stomach at an angle. It starts under his left pec and travels diagonally to almost his hip bone. I kiss the starting point up top. I look up at Jay through hooded lashes and his face doesn't look bothered by what I'm doing, but there's something in his eyes shining at me I can't place. I let my hands feel the hard ridges of his abs, taking note of the small scars that you can hardly feel. My hands tremble a bit from being able to touch him like this. They travel up and feel his chest. I kiss each pec and any scars that are there. Next, I touch a scar caused by a bullet (I've seen them at the shooting range on men who proudly display them) on his right shoulder where it meets the collar bone. I kiss that as well.
I move around his body and see two more bullet wounds on his back. Tears threaten to spill over. Then I see the scars that crisscross his back as though a whip was taken to him and my throat closes and aches from the intense pressure on my heart. My cheek flattens on his back and I wrap my arms around him as best as I can, letting the tears finally drop down.
Jay twists his front and he lifts my chin up.
“It's okay,” his voice is low and soothing. “They don't bother me.” He rubs the bullet wound in front, “This is actually from one of the best memories I have with my dad, and some of the others are also reminders of some kick ass days. Some are bad memories, but reminders that nobody can break me.” He's grinning and I'm more confused than ever.
“I don't understand. Seeing all these scars has broken my heart,” I can hardly speak from the tight constriction of my throat, holding back a complete meltdown. I wipe my face, clearing away some of the tears streaming down. I have so much more I want to tell him but I can't seem to get it out. I decide to communicate in the only way I can right now. On tiptoe, I wrap my arms around his neck and bring my mouth to his.
This kiss is nothing like at the track: it's slow, soft, and sensual, but just as desire filled. Jay lifts me up and I wrap my legs around him. He walks us back inside, locking the slider behind us. We stay like this – lips moving perfectly together – as he takes us to his bedroom.
He sets me down and lays next to me on his side. Our eyes lock and we stare deep inside each others' irises. Jay smiles, taking my breath away at how gorgeous he is when he lets his guard down. His lips are back on mine as our hands explore each other. I feel every hard bulge, every ridge of his muscles, savoring it.
Jay kisses along my jaw and brings his lips to my ear, “Can we make tonight about you?”
“I don't know what you mean.”
“Let me worship your body, I want tonight to be about giving you immense pleasure,” the warmth of his breath, his husky wanting voice laced with the scent of him, has me feeling drug-induced.
“Why?” I barely register that I spoke.
He nuzzles under my ear, “It's the only way I can think of to communicate how I feel about you.”
His lips and tongue move along my neck and his hands go to remove my shirt. He supports me as I help him lift it over my head.
He hovers over me on all fours and drinks me in, “God, Lily, you're perfect.”
Jay lowers himself as his mouth and hands begin worshiping every part of my body, and I'm lost in the moment. There is not a part of my body that goes untouched. His body is pressed over me but I can barely feel it from the way he carries his weight. At this moment I fully surrender to him, and in return he is safeguarding me as though he will
never find a treasure of more worth. I've never felt so cherished before, and that earlier feeling of our souls connecting has me wanting to cry again.
When his hands and lips reach my inner thighs and work their way up, I clutch the sheets from the intense pleasure flowing through my whole body. He gently widens my legs and the hot warmth of his breath has me whimpering. His tongue starts in like it's savoring every moment, every taste. I'm overwhelmed with the heights he is taking my body. His tongue and lips stop their licking and sucking to kiss where his tongue was. The pure tenderness of it has me releasing with so much intensity tears fall down.
I'm completely overwhelmed as I cry from the beauty of having an orgasm I never knew existed, from the way he cherished my body and made me feel.
I wrap an arm over my eyes to hide, not wanting Jay to see me freaking out over an orgasm. In an instant he's on his side next to me and he wraps as much of himself over me as is possible.
“What's wrong?” He forces my arm away and his brows are knitted in concern as he wipes away my tears.
“This is really embarrassing,” I turn mortified and bury my face into him.
He holds me tightly and plays with my hair, “Talk to me.”
“I've never had intimacy like that before. I didn’t know so much pleasure could be found at the hands of another person. Will never...” I pause and breathe in deeply, “It was always about him. He would sit or lie there expecting me to bring him all the pleasure. He would never touch me except to occasionally suck or play with my breasts, but it was because he wanted to; it was never about me. I just...I never knew it could be like this. I don't think I've really had an orgasm before now. I can't believe I'm crying over this.”
Jay pushes me back and I try to pull him back to me but he won't let me. His hands take hold of my face and he kisses me fully and deeply, causing more tears to spill down. I feel ridiculous, but Jay takes care of me in ways I didn't know I needed and it breaks something free in me, something I've buried deep within: Me.
Marked. Part I: The missing Link Page 10
