Breathing Black

by Piper Payne

  I could feel the chill of winter as my breath created a foggy cloud on the sliding glass door. With my fingertip I slowly drew in cursive my real name: Larkin Grant. Landon smiled watching me write the name of a girl I once knew. When I finished he brought his lips closer to the glass and let his warm breath create a cloud that blended into mine. He reached down and grabbed my hand, taking my finger, and with his guidance drew his name into the cloud next to mine. Landon Black.

  We stood there with our hands entwined looking at our names until they disappeared. There were rare moments in life that took your breath away; some were small and some were momentous. I’d had very few of these moments in my life, but each one I wrote down in my journal hoping that one day I could look back and read about a girl whose life was changed by these moments. This was one of them.

  Landon wrapped his arms around me and nuzzled into my neck. “God, you smell so good. I’ve dreamed of your smell.” He moaned.

  I laughed, holding his arms that were wound tightly around me. “I have something I want to show you. Let me take you somewhere.”

  “Now?” he asked, unsure if he heard me right. I couldn’t really see his face, but I giggled when I felt his body stiffen around me.

  “Yeah, why not? I have a secret place I go to when I need to get away. I want to show it to you. It has the most breathtaking view.”

  “It’s cold and late. Are you sure you want to go?”

  “Seriously? It’s cold and late? Come on, I have a blanket in the Bronco if we get cold.” I grabbed his hand and started dragging him to the door. I was really excited to show him. June was the only person I’d taken there.

  “Um … okay, I’ll have my driver come and pick us up.”

  “I’ll drive us. We’ll get there faster. Let me just grab my coat.” I smiled sweetly, but behind that smile was pure stubbornness; there was no way I was letting his driver chauffer us around again. Oddly, Landon didn’t put up a fight this time.

  We jumped into my Bronco and I fired her up. He rolled his eyes, laughing as I pressed on the gas causing the engine to roar. I turned on some music as we drove through the city, switching my playlists from sad to misunderstood, which to me was as close to happy as I got. The moon hung above us like a circular orb—sad, blue, and splendid. Building lights reflected off the clouds illuminating the night, making the soft flutter of snow seem like glitter.

  “So … tell me more about your family. You said you were close with your father. What about your mother and siblings?” I asked, holding both of my hands up to the heater while steering with my knee.

  “I have an older brother, Patrick, but I haven’t seen or talked to him since I was a senior in high school.” He grabbed the wheel nervously until I placed my hands at ten and two. He was such a rule follower.

  “Wow, that’s a really long time. How come?”

  “Um … well … I’m not really certain. Back then my father put a lot of pressure on him to follow in his footsteps, but Patrick was stubborn.” He laughed. “He always did the exact opposite of what my father wanted. They fought constantly, and one day when Patrick was home visiting from college he chose to cash-in on his inheritance and never came back. He didn’t even say goodbye.” He shrugged sadly. “I envy him sometimes, and then other times I share in my father’s disappointment. He’d hoped his two sons would take over once he was gone, however now that burden has been left solely upon my shoulders.” There was bitterness along with the sorrow of missing his brother; his voice softened and hardened as he spoke.

  “So you’re saying you aren’t very happy that your brother is probably somewhere tropical, sun bathing on a beach, sipping Mai Tai’s while you’re stuck here in frigid cold Utah wearing a suit and tie, trying to build and maintain your father’s legacy?” I tried to lighten the mood.

  “Exactly.” He started laughing. “When you put it like that it makes me dislike him even more.” He leaned toward the window and sighed.

  We passed the state capitol building and then drove up a winding mountain road whizzing by historical houses with roofs as sharp as church steeples. As we drove I unwrapped the scarf I had around my neck and handed it to Landon. “Blindfold yourself,” I said, smiling—nostalgically mischievous. A déjà vu so vivid I could almost close my eyes and smell the football field’s freshly cut grass.

  He looked over at me. “You really want me to blindfold myself?” He was more reluctant this time, shaking his head with uncertainty. “You realize this means I get to blindfold you sometime, right?”

  “I was counting on it.” I smirked.

  “Done.” He grabbed the scarf out of my hand blindfolding himself as I continued to drive. He was trying to be easygoing, but the fact that he was grinding his teeth and clenching the seat showed me he was only appeasing me. A couple minutes later I turned off the headlights and pulled onto a dirt path that was hidden from the street. I drove another seventy yards and then shut off the engine.

  “Promise me you’ll keep the scarf on and won’t take it off until I tell you to, okay?”

  “Larkin,” he said, impatiently bouncing his foot.

  “Landon,” I said back to him, mimicking his tone. I jumped out of the Bronco and went around opening his door to help him out.

  “Watch your step. Just keep holding my hand so you don’t trip.” He awkwardly stumbled out of the Bronco. I couldn’t contain my laughter any longer. I had a grown man trying to hold back his frustration.

  “Oh, so this is funny?” His face changed into a grin as he quickly grabbed me, finding my wrists and pinning them above my head, pressing my back against the Bronco. He leaned down to my ear and whispered, “I don’t think you know what you got yourself into by promising me I can blindfold you, Larkin.”

  I silently gasped with images rushing through my mind. I felt his warm breath against my neck and involuntarily moved my face toward his in response.

  “Tsk tsk,” he said, grinning mischievously. “I want to be able to see every expression on that gorgeous face of yours when we kiss, and somehow you have me incapable of that at the moment so we might as well continue.” He abruptly let go of my body and took two steps backwards, leaving me there shocked and panting while I stared at the cocky smirk on his blindfolded face. Damn him.

  Something about wanting someone for over half a decade made you do things you’d only thought about doing but didn’t think you had the guts. I closed the space between us and placed my hands on his chest. “Good,” I whispered slowly and seductively into his ear. I felt his breath hitch as I slid my hands down his defined stomach and lightly, almost accidently, grazed my hand across the front of his pants before I stepped away.

  “Grrrr! You’re going to be the fucking death of me, Larkin!” He shook his head and reached for the blindfold.

  “Leave the blindfold on! I promise it will be worth it!” I pleaded.

  It took a few seconds for him to collect himself; I thought for sure he was going to rip the blindfold off, but finally he reached out his hand toward my voice and said, “Lead the way.”

  Holding his warm hand, I led him on the snow-covered dirt path lined with large overgrown trees that had pillows of snow hanging from their branches. I’d walked this path many times, but always alone. In the summer the foliage was full of wild flowers and bushes, now it was a white blanketed forest and you questioned every step not knowing what was hidden underneath the snow.

  Eventually the road ended and I had to guide him as we stepped over rocks and ducked under trees until we ended up at the property line fence. I learned the hard way it was electrical. Most of the time it wasn’t turned on, but he would kill me if he got shocked because he had a blindfold on. I let his hand go and threw a stick at the fence to find out.

  “What was that?”

  “Just a stick.” I knew that every time I laughed he got more impatient so I really tried to hold that one in. “Okay, so I have to let go of your hand now but I want you to lean over and take six steps forward an
d then you can stand up again.”

  “Every time I want to rip this damn thing off my eyes, I just keep picturing you tied to my bed, blindfolded with your legs spread apart.” His rough voice caused my breath to hitch.

  “We’re almost there, so don’t torture yourself by getting blue balls.” I laughed, even though his words were audible foreplay to me. He forced himself to follow my instructions and made it under the fence. A couple of years ago I used a hacksaw to cut the fence at the very edge of the property line. No one could tell it’d been cut, and all I had to do was bend it back and hold it in place with a carabineer.

  “I hope we aren’t breaking and entering anywhere, because I can hear the clanking of metal,” he joked fidgeting uncomfortably.

  I gathered up a snowball, the soft pile of flakes hardening in my hands, and as soon as he finished talking I threw it, nailing him in the chest. “You can take off the blindfold now, and if you can catch me maybe I’ll let you use the blindfold on me sooner rather than later!” I squealed and took off running.

  I could hear him laughing as he started to chase after me. I didn’t anticipate running with snow up to my knees, so the tiny head start I had on Landon was diminished as soon as we entered the clearing and he tackled me to the ground. I laughed even though I went face first into the snow. He wrapped his arms around me, flipping me over so I was lying on my back with his legs straddled on top of me. The light flutter of snow landed on my lashes, and I closed my eyes until I felt Landon lean over to shield my face.

  “Who are you?” he asked breathlessly as he wiped the snowflakes from my cheek. The expression on his face was as if he was trying to solve the world’s biggest mystery.

  I closed my eyes, trying to hide my secrets. Even though I wasn’t certain I had a soul, I assumed they were still a window to something.

  Softly I felt the warmth of his breath, lips, and tongue against my mine. This kiss was different. This kiss was more than I’d ever imagined kissing Landon would be like. It was filled with emotions I wasn’t sure I could sort out yet. It pulled me under and flooded my veins like a drug, and that scared me.

  “What have you done to me, Larkin?” he asked softly, as he pulled away and placed his forehead on mine.

  I put my hands on his cheeks and smiled as he pulled back to look at me. That was all I could really do. Smile. I wasn’t even sure if he wanted me to answer. I felt like he was asking himself the question more than asking me.

  “Look up,” I said as the reality of our surroundings came back. His eyes left mine as he looked up and took in the view. We lay just outside a crescent moon-shaped clearing bordered by tall bristlecone pines and quaking aspen trees, which had bark as white as the snow, but if you carved into them their scars turned black.

  “Wow.” It was only one word, but he described it perfectly because several yards away was a cliff overlooking the lights of the entire city.

  Landon stood and helped me to my feet. “This is absolutely breathtaking, Larkin.”

  “I know.” I walked in front of him, leading him closer until my toes almost touched the edge. “This is where things seem the most clear.” I closed my eyes and tilted my head up to the sky, widening my arms. Sometimes the urge to jump was so strong, leaning forward and freefalling in a moment of weightlessness, the disconnection between body and earth. I took an exhilarating breath as a gust of wind twisted my hair and pushed me closer to the edge.

  Landon pulled me back and held me close, wrapping my tiny frame with his body. “Thank you for bringing me here.”

  He rested his chin on my head as we stood there lost in a city of twinkling lights laid out below us. Every flicker was mirrored from the clouds like a reflection. The flutter of snow danced over the city as a breeze carried it like a blanket. It looked like a painting—the trees with their white tips, snow weighing down heavily on their branches. Even the ground was covered thick like clouds. It was one big snow globe enclosed in mountains.

  We held hands treading through the snow walking back to the fence. I loved seeing Landon this way—carefree and happy. It took time but it was worth the effort. We laughed, throwing snow at each other, and at one point I had him down on the ground trying to stuff snow in his shirt. He was living in the moment with me, free from his mind that held him prisoner with overanalyzing thoughts. I ran from him, hiding behind trees as he gently launched snowballs at me. When we finally arrived back to the fence the mood changed when Landon realized we’d been trespassing on private property.

  “It’s not funny, Larkin. Do you think being arrested is funny?”

  “Calm down. It’s not a big deal. I’ve been coming up here for years and have only been caught a handful of times. All they’ll do is tell you to leave or write you a trespassing ticket.” I decided it would be best if I skipped telling him I actually got arrested once.

  Landon gave me the, are you kidding look and started walking back quietly to the Bronco. As the seconds ticked by I started getting angry. Once we finally got inside the Bronco, I looked over at him and said, “I’m not sorry. I blindfolded you because you overthink everything. I knew you wouldn’t go had you known we were on private property, not because I wanted to surprise you or for you not to know the directions.” Suck on that, Mr. Mother Trucker.

  I fired up the Bronco, which let’s be honest was the worst vehicle for stealth mode, and started driving us back to the main road with the lights off. I should’ve blindfolded his stupid ass back to the car and then the night wouldn’t be ruined.

  “You’re going to chew a hole in your lip,” he said a few minutes later, grabbing my hand from the steering wheel and entwining his fingers through mine. “I’m sorry, Larkin, you’re right.”

  “Come again? I didn’t quite hear you.”

  Through clenched teeth, he repeated, “I’m sorry and you were right. I wouldn’t have gone had I known we were trespassing. All my life I’ve followed the rules. It’s embarrassing you can see that in me. I guess you’ve always seen it.” He looked a little ashamed. “My last name comes with a no-tolerance policy. One slip up, one bad mark on my reputation hurts business. But as I’m sitting here thinking about it, it sounds so ridiculous. I love living in the moment with you. Just being around you makes me feel more alive. I’m really glad you brought me here tonight.”

  The next week and a half went by in a blur. I spent almost every day with Landon. I might not know much about how to love, but Landon had a way of making it feel like it could be easy. When I was younger I was never shown what love was. I didn’t even know what it felt like. I could barely remember a time when I was hugged or kissed. I had no real physical or emotional connection to the word. The line between love and hate had always been so thin for me that sometimes it was hard to decipher the difference.

  A year ago my therapist advised me to start expressing my feelings verbally so maybe, just maybe, one day I would figure it all out. It was awkward at first, telling people that I loved them. Especially when June would cry every time I said it. And I think I got totally tequila wasted when I finally said it to Max and Austin because I was so nervous. But then one day it wasn’t as hard, and I didn’t want to stop saying it because every time I said it, they would always say it back.

  So I wondered … how would I know if I loved Landon? Or when would I know if he loved me back? Did I say it? Did I wait for him?

  “Hey, beautiful,” Landon said as I opened the door. Each minute I was around him I could feel myself starting to believe his words. He scooped me off the ground into his arms as I laughed, shutting the door with his foot, carrying me to the couch where he threw me down and climbed on top of me.

  I was furious with my irrational restraint of waiting to sleep together until I knew for certain he wasn’t going to disappear again. His kissed down my neck and pressed his body against mine, my fingers touching and exploring as I took off his shirt. The only thing that saved me from myself this time was a knock on the door.

  “Fuck,” he cursed,
not wanting to drag himself off of me.

  I smiled. “I kinda like when you say that word.”

  “You might hear it a few more times when I go kill whoever’s at your door.” He growled.

  “I ordered pizza and rented movies.” I laughed, handing him a small couch pillow to cover himself.

  I paid the pizza boy, Elliot, who grinned from ear to ear when I complimented his new smile without metal braces.

  “This is the last time you’ll ever pay for dinner.” He dropped the pillow on the floor, charging after me as I shut the door laughing, peeking over the tower of pizza boxes in my arms. I couldn’t run this time. He threw the pizza on the coffee table and grabbed me, pulling me close, nuzzling into my neck. “Thank you,” he whispered affectionately in my ear. When I looked into his eyes I saw how much it really meant to him.

  Landon Black had never had a movie and pizza night. In fact he’d never even ordered or eaten take-out pizza before. He’d always had someone to cook and serve him his meals, and date nights for him included fancy dining and parties. When he described his lack of everyday experiences, he was embarrassed and regretful. As if eating crappy pizza like an ordinary person would’ve made a difference in his world. I could feel the strings binding him starting to loosen. It was the little things: he was more carefree; came over in basketball shorts instead of a suit; didn’t smell like bourbon twenty-four-seven; stopped overthinking every little thing and savored unexpected moments with me; and stopped using his fake polite smile and started using real ones. The suffocating pressure of his demanding life was starting to not weigh as heavily on his shoulders. I knew Landon and I came from two completely opposite worlds, but I had no idea how stressful it was having the last name Black. I thought about ways to keep making him smile and getting him to experience what living in the moment was like.