Breathing Black

by Piper Payne

  As soon as my body adjusted to the temperature, my phone rang and it was Austin. “This better be good. You’re interrupting Mazzy Star,” I teased.

  “Are you in the tub smoking pot?”

  “Damn it! I knew I was missing something.” I rolled my eyes and turned off the faucet.

  “So I have some bad or good news depending on how you look at it …” His voice masked his true feelings on the subject. “Jesse doesn’t want to go on the date. I talked to his sister a couple times today. She was really excited about it but he definitely was not.”

  “Okay, well…” I sat there for a moment “…thanks for calling and letting me know.”

  “That’s it?” he said, dumfounded. “No cussing or castration remarks?”

  “He doesn’t want to go out with me. There’s nothing I can really do about it. I’ll just go through the pile again and find someone else.” I admired my skin under the hot water as the blood rose to the surface, slowly turning it pink.

  “I’m coming over. You’re acting weird. I’m sure he didn’t even realize what he was saying no to. His sister said she might have caught him at a bad time. He doesn’t even know who you are or what you look like, so maybe let’s give it a day or so and we can—”

  “Austin, I’m really okay. If he’s closed to the idea of being set up on a date, I can’t change that.” I’m so glad I decided to bring the bottle of tequila into the bathroom with me. I unscrewed the cap and took a swig. “Fuck him!” I laughed. “There is that better?”

  “A little.” He chuckled. “Lark, I’m glad he said no, although I about shit myself to find out that was his answer. He’s an idiot and so is Landon.”

  “Thanks, Austin.”

  “You’re welcome. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  Let the pity party begin. I shouldn’t feel so crumby about some guy I didn’t even know not wanting to get set up on a blind date with me, but I still did. I felt like my loser status kept earning points. Especially since it was my first time really putting myself out there. It was my first time really trying to be vulnerable and I hated it. My therapist may get drunk texted tonight. I sank lower into the tub and zoned out. It was moments like this when you wanted to call your mom. In a perfect world, I would cry and tell her about everything that’d happened and ask for advice. I pictured her trying to comfort me, telling me I’m beautiful and that boys are stupid. Wasn’t that what mothers and daughters did? If I was thinking about my mom, this pity party just hit a new low.

  I remembered her comforting me once when I was little. It was silly really. I’d been crying and she got off the phone telling me to come sit by her and lay my head in her lap. I was nervous being that close to her; it felt so new to me. She started playing with my long tresses, running her fingers through it. She would slide her fingers on my scalp and then drag them through the wavy strands until she got to the end, and then she would do it again. I just kept hoping she would think my hair was soft and pretty. I thought that maybe if she liked my hair, she would ask me to curl up in her lap and I could be this close to her again.

  She started telling me about the man she just got off the phone with whom she met at the bar. He promised to move us to New York City and take care of us. She picked up a strand of my hair and looped it between her fingers twisting it back and forth as she described our new life. It sounded so amazing, a big city with tall buildings and lots of people, a place where we could start over and become someone better and new. She talked about becoming famous, getting a job singing on Broadway, and I could come into her dressing room and see her before each show. My biggest regret was that I fell asleep. That moment between us never happened again, and if I wouldn’t have fallen asleep I could have cherished a few more minutes of that closeness with her.

  Someone knocking on my apartment door shook me out of my depressing memories. I wiped a tear from my face and turned down the music hoping whoever it was would just go away, but the knocking continued like they knew I was home.

  “Hang on!” I yelled as I hurried and jumped out of the tub trying to dry off. I threw on my silk robe and tied it closed as I walked toward the pounding on the door. My guess, it was probably Austin and Max showing up with carbs and a horror movie. They always knew how to cheer me up, even though I hated how everyone always thought I needed a babysitter when I got sad.

  “Keep your panties on, boys, I’m getting out of the bath.” I swung the door open with a smile but it was wiped completely off my face as Landon stepped inside my apartment without invitation and shut and locked the door behind him. It all happened so fast and before I could protest or even have a rational thought, he grabbed my body and seared his lips to mine.

  A million emotions took over me as his hands snaked up the back of my neck grabbing my hair at the scalp, leaving me no option to pull away. He was desperate, and suddenly so was I.

  His lips were rough and the stubble of his unkempt facial hair stung my skin. If I had any resistance it quickly went away as soon as his tongue touched my lip urging me to give in or walk away. My lips parted and I breathed him in. I could taste desire and bourbon on his tongue. My brain became foggy and my body weakened as he slammed me against the door.

  “Larkin, what have you done to me?” His voice growled, before he found my lips again. I wrapped my legs around his waist and could feel him press against me. The hardness forced a moan from my mouth.

  He broke away from my lips, sucking, licking, and biting my ear, trailing down my neck as I arched into him. He slid one hand down my body and gripped my bare thigh, bringing us closer, perfectly molding our bodies together. My head fell back against the door. Panting and digging my nails into his shirt, I could feel his fingertips lingering so close to where I wanted them most.

  My jumbled thoughts started screaming at me to stop before it went any further. Everything about this felt so right and so wrong at the same time. I’d wondered what it would be like to have Landon between my legs hundreds of times. If it was without any consequences, I would let him fuck me against this door, but somehow I knew I’d never recover if he took this part of me and then disappeared again. I finally found my voice but was barely able to get out his name.

  “Landon …” It came out like a cry of passion more than my weak attempt of trying to get him to stop. As Landon started to untie the silk bow that held my robe closed, I placed my hands against his chest and finally said, “Stop.” My plea came out strong but emotional.

  He stopped kissing me. I could feel his shoulders and head sag as he rested his forehead against the door. His heart pounded and I could tell there was a war of emotions raging in his mind. We stayed like that for a moment until he pulled away from me, slowly letting my legs slide down to touch the floor. He grabbed my hand gently and brought it to his lips.

  “I’m so sorry, Larkin, I never meant for this to become so complicated.”

  I suddenly felt very naked standing before him in my thin robe. I pulled away so we were no longer touching and walked into the living room. I needed space so I could think clearly.

  “Why are you here? Please help me understand what is going on.” I turned to face him with my arms folded and the hurt he’d caused painfully displayed on my face.

  He walked over and sat down on the couch. I could tell he was contemplating what to say, which frustratingly was what I noticed most about him; he seemed to always try to say the right words. I just wanted him to blurt out how he felt, no sugar coating and no bullshit.

  “Seriously, just spit it out, Landon!” I sat down on the edge of couch opposite of him.

  He could tell I wasn’t going to wait for him to sort out his thoughts so he said, “I’m sorry I ran out on you. You deserve better than that and you definitely deserve an explanation.” He leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees, twisting his watch back and forth in his hands.

  “I came to Salt Lake because my father had trusted me to oversee the resort development in Park City along with dealing with so
me specific family matters. However, the moment I met you I got sidetracked and lost focus on what I came here to do. When I met you, Larkin, everything changed. It took me by surprise when I found out the girl in the emerald coat was you. I had always been fixated on finding her and at one point I finally convinced myself she was just something I’d made up in my head because I just couldn’t let her go. Then when you told me about how you met June, and how we went to high school together, and the football field and the feather, things started piecing themselves together and I panicked.” Head hanging down, he couldn’t look me in the eyes.

  “I went back to Aspen to try and find some clarity, but you’re all I could think about. There have been high expectations set upon me, and certain obligations I owe to my family that I must see through to the end. I didn’t think I could do those things and also have feelings for you too. But after torturing myself by not seeing you or hearing your voice, I couldn’t do it any longer and I finally broke down and tuned in to your show on Monday.”

  He finally looked up at me with a pained stare and bloodshot eyes. “It took everything in me not to jump on a plane and run in there and stop the whole fucking show.” He got up off the couch and started to pace. “It killed me knowing that I could’ve ruined my chance. I’d just had you in my arms and then there I was, hundreds of miles away sulking because I had chosen to pathetically run from someone I spent my entire life wishing I could find.” I sat quietly on the couch watching him rake his hands through hair that was already a mess. “Having to listen to all of those other men, every word that came out of their mouths gutted me, saying how amazing and funny you are, how they would do anything for just one date with you. I didn’t want to lose you when I just found you again.” He walked over and sat down beside me, grabbing my chin so I would look him in the eyes. “Larkin, I am sorry for walking out on you and disappearing. Wherever we go from here is up to you.”

  “But I … I still don’t understand. You were the one who pursued me and asked me to meet you for dinner. Then all of a sudden being with me seemed to interfere with your job performance? There’s still so much more you need to know about me. If finding out we went to school together was a problem, I don’t see how—”

  “I just needed time to think.” He spoke over me, trying to calm the justified irrationality that poured from my mouth. I shivered as his hand softly traced down my shoulder trying to distract me from the conversation. “To be honest, it scared me that I had developed feelings for you so quickly. Then I found out the person I was getting to know was also someone else.”

  “I never tried to deceive you. It’s just that my past is complicated and I never share it with anyone. Landon, I ran away from Aspen. As in I will never go back. That is something you should know up front from me.” I folded my arms stubbornly to show him how serious I was.

  “I know you’ll tell me things when you’re ready, but please tell me I’m not too late.” His eyes searched mine as he laced our fingers together. The blue of his eyes took my breath away.

  My mind started overanalyzing things, and I was more confused than before. If it wasn’t for Austin’s phone call tonight, there would still be a tiny part of me thinking about Jesse. I guess Max’s plan worked. I just couldn’t understand why I wasn’t more ecstatic about it. I stood up with folded arms and nervously walked over to the balcony’s sliding glass door. The night looked exactly how I felt—dark, clouded, and obscure. I eventually felt him walk up behind me. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

  “You’re not too late.” Relief came from my words. Relief that my heart might stop hurting, even if it was only temporary and relief that he may want me as much as I used to want him.

  When I didn’t want to kill Austin and Max for playing matchmaker, I absolutely loved my job. Today we spent our show on-location at the Salt Lake animal shelter trying to get listeners to come in and adopt a pet. We did this every year because the shelters got overcrowded with the snow and freezing temperatures, and every year I end up crying on air because of the poor animals that might get euthanized if they didn’t get adopted. This year we had fifteen adoptions so I was riding on a good deed high as I volunteered the rest of the day at the shelter. I only had a couple awkward moments when a few of the men that had sent in their application for ‘Love Me Larkin’ came in. I may or may not have used that to my advantage to get one to adopt a cat and another a Labrador.

  By 7:00 p.m. I was ready for my night with Landon. He left my apartment the night before, smiling at the promise of a second chance, but I still had doubts. The one thing that hadn’t changed about Landon was that he still had never seen or experienced real pain, and pain was what created me—pain so deep it had taken root inside of me and twisted intricately like a disease. I almost feel like he was blind to my darkness, ignorant to its very existence. How could he not see it?

  I wore a white low V-neck T-shirt, warm leggings, an open button-down long sweater, my favorite scarf, and lace up ankle boots. It was the third outfit I tried on and I still wasn’t satisfied that I looked pretty enough until I opened the front door and Landon stood there with two dozen red roses and an admiring smile on his face.

  “You always take my breath away,” he said as he handed me the bouquet and walked inside.

  “These are beautiful. You didn’t have to get me flowers.” I touched the petals then nuzzled my face into the bouquet so I could take in their sweet smell. I pretended to be excited at the gesture, extinguishing the memory that surfaced of the last time I’d been around Landon and whom he gave red roses to. He slid his hands from my hips to my stomach pulling me in closer and kissing me on the cheek. I wasn’t used to the sudden affection. I wasn’t complaining, but I just wasn’t used to it. It’d already been a riptide of emotions between us. Besides his sudden outbursts of slam-me-up-against-the-wall kissing, we’d never had a moment of clear, conscious affection. I didn’t feel like we’d really had a first kiss because the first two were a complete rush of sexual tension and odd circumstances. I was actually nervous for the moment we took the time to affectionately kiss each other. It was like our next kiss held more meaning.

  “I wanted to thank you for looking into Ray for me. Kathy called me at the beginning of last week and told me she made it safely to Kentucky.” I set the flowers in a vase and began filling it with water.

  “You’re welcome.” His smile went away as he followed me into the kitchen. “My father told me Ray will be posting bail soon. It was a good thing you ran into her when you did. I told her I would contact her when there was any new information about his release.”

  “Ugh, I can’t believe he is getting out. I’ve been around some really scary people throughout my life, but I can honestly say Ray might be the scariest. He has no off button. I’ve seen him hurt Kathy and his children with a smile and blood on his face.”

  “Well, hopefully she won’t have to worry about him. She’s got a whole new identity out there.” He smiled softly.

  “She hasn’t cashed my check yet …” I leaned against the counter with folded arms. I wasn’t positive but I was starting to think Landon had something to do with it.

  His face held an innocent expression. “That’s odd. Maybe she came into some money and didn’t need to drain your bank account.”

  “How would you know it would drain it?” He was completely right, but I was a little offended that he felt like he knew my financial situation.

  His blue eyes went wide but only for a mere second. “Because you’re a very generous person, and I don’t think you would give her anything less than everything you have.” He rotated the watch around his wrist, pausing when I looked down and took notice.

  “Well, just so you know, I’m a pretty stubborn too. If you gave her any money, you’ll get every dime back.”

  “I figured out the stubborn part when I received the iPhone, book, and clothes you had my office forward to me in Aspen.” I just smirked and twisted a strand of hair unapologetically. “I really
did feel bad about drenching you in the parking lot that day,” he shook his head and laughed. “Although, if I’m being honest, you are really sexy when you’re angry and have tight, wet clothes on.”

  I crinkled my brows but couldn’t hide my smile. “So smooth with words.” I shook my head, embarrassed.

  “So … maybe the next time I come over we could arrange it so June is here? I know she’s a big part of your life and I would like to see her again.” He changed the subject and I let him. I wasn’t very comfortable with compliments anyways.

  “I would like that.” I smiled. “You’ll win her over faster if you bring her some salted chocolate-covered caramels from the mall.”

  “Thanks for the tip. I’m probably on her shit list after our last date.”

  “She’s my best friend. Of course you are.” I shrugged, a little hesitant. “You might want to add some chocolate-covered cinnamon bears in there too.”

  He smiled, watching me as I moved the roses around in their vase, unconcerned in avoiding their thorns. “I always wondered what happened to June. Our fathers were close friends and even business partners at one point. I knew she had gone through some hard times before high school, but I never really noticed until she started getting into trouble and got kicked out of Mountain View Prep in eighth grade.”

  “Yeah.” I didn’t really want to divulge June’s past secrets. They were not mine to share.

  Landon walked over to the sliding glass balcony door and looked out onto the city street. I’d noticed that sometimes his mind drifted far away for a brief second and then returned. He couldn’t just enjoy the moment because he was too busy worrying about something else. “Salt Lake is beautiful in the winter but I’ve been too busy to actually experience it. The most I’ve seen of the city is the view from my penthouse.”

  “Your penthouse must have a really good view.” It took everything I had not to laugh and say those words in a snooty accent. I walked and stood next to him, admiring the large snowflakes that started falling from the sky. They glistened under the row of street lamps that lined our neighborhood making me want to put on my boots and run outside to try and catch them on my tongue.