The Devil's Concubine

by Goyanes, Ángeles; Johnson, Kasia

  “I liked Cannat’s company, in spite of the times he pretended to hate me or the times he frightened me and he knew I enjoyed being around me. Also, I was certain he enjoyed my company since there were a multitude of occasions when he asked me to do things. Often, it was he who asked me to go for a walk with him or go somewhere specific with him, or just sit down to talk to him about any given topic. In fact, all of this started almost as soon as we had first met. It was tempting to think that Cannat would be sorry to lose me and that this, coupled with his inability to bear Shallem’s pain, had driven him to give me a new life.

  “However, fleeting sparks of doubt crossed my mind. I wanted to ignore those doubts, ignore the cornucopia of ideas that opposed what I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe Cannat kept me alive for those simple and pleasant reasons but deep down I knew there was something else, some other reason. Cannat must have had another powerful motive since he was willing to face Shallem’s wrath by disobeying his command that I must die for my soul to rest. Cannat knew Shallem was going to be very upset; at least very upset when he first found out. I also knew Shallem was going to be upset. If not, then Shallem himself would have kept me alive.

  “I always felt Cannat had other reasons for keeping me around but it was going to be a long time before I found out what those reasons were.”

  “What were the reasons?” the priest asked impatiently.

  The woman laughed.

  “You’ll have to wait. I must tell my story in order.” Suddenly, she became serious and stared blankly ahead. “Now I’m going to tell you about the worst of my sins. You must be very attentive. You must understand everything very clearly; you must understand all the steps in the process.”

  The priest looked longingly at the empty bottle of water but he didn’t say anything because he didn’t want to distract the woman. He knew she was struggling to recount the story coherently.

  “All right, let’s keep going. Shallem kept searching for Cannat for several more days, however, he knew the only way he would find him was if Cannat wanted to be found. And he didn’t want to be found. Shallem always returned in a very bad mood. I think I cursed Cannat a thousand times for leaving me in that situation, for abandoning me in that situation, but not, and I repeat, but not for being the cause of it. Although I was still very anxious about the delicate situation between the two them and about what the future held, I had grown accustomed to my new body, or at least it didn’t frighten me any longer. Shallem loved me just the same and treated me just like he had before, or perhaps even better since he wanted to make me feel better after the trauma Cannat had put me through. I was beginning to feel happier than I had for several years. Isn’t that atrocious? I felt happy even though a girl was dead. But I had a long life ahead of me and all I wanted was for things to go back to normal, and this included Cannat being with us again. Incredible. Right? Monstrous. But I would have been a hypocrite if I had hated Cannat for giving me what I had wanted: life instead of death. I can’t deny that I wanted to live.

  “If I had been a deft and vengeful vixen, I would have tried to keep Cannat and Shallem separated until I died. Perhaps I would have succeeded if I had used what Cannat had done to me as an excuse. Shallem would not have ignored the pain Cannat had put me through and would have understood if I never wanted to be around him again. However, I knew they would have continued to meet privately. For a few days, that idea seemed splendid. It would have been the perfect way to seek revenge against Cannat. I imagined and dreamed about the moment Shallem gave him the news; I would have given anything to be able to see his expression when Shallem told him they wouldn’t live together as long as I existed. Or to have seen his face when he realized that his own actions had given me such an easy victory. How he would have hated himself for giving me life! How he would have hated me!

  “But my revenge lost its appeal and purpose because I thought I would never see him again, that I would never get the chance to see his reaction. Yes, I wanted to see him suffer. I wanted him to suffer my evil and accusing stares for a good length of time. Yes, I wanted that. But, why would I want him to suffer if I couldn’t laugh triumphantly in his face? If I couldn’t become the victim of his murderous looks, the object of his terrifying jokes, which would make me scream as much with pleasure as with panic? If he couldn’t seduce me with the heat coming from his mouth as his whispers burned my skin; immersing me in a state of fever, without knowing whether he would bring me ecstasy or death or both? Why would I want him to disappear from my life forever, or rather, why would I want him to become an omnipresent ghost between Shallem and I, for whom, sooner or later, I would go from being the helpless victim to being the cause of his divine solitude? I could foresee my own ruin and Cannat’s final triumph. I could see Cannat’s hypnotic eyes, bright blue like the morning stars, and I couldn’t imagine never again being enraptured by his magical voice that would speak to me of past eras, incredible worlds, beings from other planets, his own life, with his arm around my shoulder as the candles in the house danced upon our faces? How could I not want to feel my heart thumping in my chest, or my eyes widening at the images that would have scared me to death before I had met Cannat? I knew he would never harm me, however much he threatened, and I wanted to be terrified, to scream.

  “I never seriously planned to plot a scheme against Cannat because of those reasons and others, the most evident one being that I could have never manipulated Shallem’s feelings for my benefit. My desires were not vindictive, I only wanted to toy with Cannat. Over time, I learned that there had been very few instances when my life had truly been in danger because of Cannat. I knew he threatened me because that was something he had always done, something he was accustomed to doing even though he couldn’t even remember why he began doing it. I knew his threats were nothing but jokes, fun jokes that I had ended up getting used to, or even, started to like. What I really wanted to do was slap him repeatedly and ask him why he kept me alive.

  “I think Cannat should have been able to explain his reasons and he didn’t do so because his final decision to keep me alive had been made urgently and quickly. What would I have said if he had explained what he wanted to do to me? What would you have said? What would you have said if someone offered you life instead of death? You don’t answer. Probably because you can’t truly answer unless you were in that situation. To theorize is easy when the question is pure fantasy, when it’s not a true possibility, but in reality, our answers vary... I think only one thing would have made me refuse Cannat’s offer for a new life: remembering what Shallem had said about the body dying for the soul to rest.

  “But I was alive, alert, and well-rested, full of vitality I wanted to enjoy to the fullest.

  “Cannat contacted Shallem around ten days after my transformation.

  “ ‘I told him not to come here,’ Shallem told me.

  “ ‘But Shallem, this is his house!’ I pointed out.

  “ ‘Let him go to another.’

  “These types of arguments went on for two months, until, one day, I caught Shallem sitting on Cannat’s bed daydreaming as he held one of Cannat’s hats.

  “ ‘Call him right now and tell him to come back!’ I yelled from the door. He seemed surprised and somewhat ashamed. I sat down beside him.

  “ ‘Shallem,’ I said affectionately. ‘He did it for you. And I can’t truly say that I myself wouldn’t have wanted to continue to live, no matter the price. I didn’t want to leave you and would have voluntarily done anything to prevent it, even this, if Cannat had asked me. He knew that and now I’m happy that he did it. Do you think I’m a monster for being happy?’

  “He looked at me and sweetly said, ‘No. But this is your responsibility, only yours. I would have never allowed this to happen, and he knows that.’

  “ ‘But it’s already done and you do want me here, right?’

  “He lovingly caressed my new cheek. I became more and more astounded and asked myself how was it possible for him to look at
me just as he had looked at his old Juliette. His angel eyes smiled at me.

  “ ‘Yes, I want you here,’ his delicious voice whispered.

  “One morning, more than a month later, Cannat reappeared. We were outside playing with our dogs. Cannat was smart. He had been watching us, patiently waiting for a moment when we were happy. How could Shallem punish him if that happiness was owed to what he had done?

  “When Shallem saw him his eyes shined, and then his expression turned artificially guarded. He approached Cannat and stood in front of him for a few moments, speaking to him with words that my limited mortal ears could not hear.

  “ ‘Oh, Shallem, please, enough with the criticism. You aren’t that disgusted with what I did since you didn’t try to remedy it. Or are you waiting for me to remedy it? Is that it? Do you want me to undo it?’

  “ ‘No!’ Shallem yelled. ‘No, I don’t. But you knew you shouldn’t have it and you know why!’

  “ ‘Why suffer when you could easily fix it?’ Cannat said truly getting angry.

  “ ‘It’s not natural!’ Shallem wailed.

  “ ‘You know she wanted to keep living. What, you didn’t hear her begging like I did? You yourself did something once that you shouldn’t have in order to save her. And you would do it again, right? You wanted it just as much as she did. You wanted her to live, to stay with you.’

  “ ‘But I wouldn’t have done what you did! It wasn’t fair!’

  “ ‘Look Shallem, next time I’ll be a good boy, okay? Now, is this the last time we argue about it or should I leave until you get over it? Do you want me to leave? Would that be better?’

  “Shallem looked at him for a moment, sighed, shook his head, and said no.”

  –IV–

  “For a long time I kept wondering what it would feel like if I slapped Cannat for what he had done to me. I kept wondering what his reaction would be. I had convinced myself that I should do it, that it was what he deserved, that it was the appropriate thing to do, as if he were the gentleman and I the offended lady. Hundreds of times, I imagined myself entering his room where I would catch him by surprise and in the nude. I would stand at the door for a few seconds until he felt my hard, cold eyes staring at him. Or, and this was my favorite fantasy, I imagined him kneeling as he placed his clothes into his trunk when I entered his room. He would immediately stand, alarmed, and his lips would slightly part as his gaze penetrated deep within me. Then, and without taking my accusing eyes off him, I would slam the door shut and approach him. At this point, my fantasies took different directions. Sometimes, I imagined normal responses; that is, I would slap him and then he would slap me back; or I would slap him and he would burst out laughing, or I would slap him and he would stand there shocked as I told him what Shallem and I thought of him and demand he give me the answers I deserved. I imagined him giving me different explanations. Then, I would leave his room proud that I had humiliated him. Humiliating him was the essence of those fantasies.

  “However, I had other, more disturbing fantasies and although they varied only slightly (sometimes I slapped him, other times he grabbed my hand) they shared a common ending. I, the real Juliette in her original body, would get thrown across his bed, across his white silk sheets. I fantasized he desired me. That he desired the real me more than the new body he had chosen for me.

  “ But I never had the courage to slap him. When I was around him, I felt hurt and uneasy and wanted nothing other than to get far away from him. I knew I should have hated him, despised him, but I wasn’t able to. However, in what other dignified way could I have acted other than to pretend I hated him for what he had done to me? How could have I acted as if everything were the same, that nothing had changed, that he hadn’t forced me to suffer his most diabolic miracle?

  “We didn’t say a word to each other the first day. He constantly looked at me and I clung to Shallem not knowing how to interpret his looks.

  “ ‘Are you happy now?’ he asked me the next day when we were alone for a moment.

  “ ‘Happy?’ I responded. ‘You’ve trapped me in a prison of flesh. Every second I live, every second I spend in this body that will never be mine, hurts me. It’s not natural for me to live like this.’

  “He laughed softly.

  “ ‘Great,’ he said. ‘Shallem hurts me, the world hurts Shallem, and your existence hurts you. So it seems we all hurt for something. And indeed, you haven’t lived naturally for over a century...’

  “That was all we said to each other that day. But I wanted to say more, much more, and those brief comments awoke my hate for him. Why did he always have to criticize me, especially in those circumstances? Why couldn’t he treat me with a little respect?

  “For a couple of days we just stared at each other, wanting to talk but never saying a word. On the third day, I approached him. It was a miraculously sunny day, almost warm, and I found him beside the stream that ran through our property. He was lying on the ground with his hand immersed in the stream’s clean and bubbly waters, enjoying the sounds coming from stream and the fragrance of the wild flowers that grew along its banks. He wasn’t naked, but all he wore was a white, silk shirt that was unbuttoned to his waist. I observed his serenity, the pleasure he found in those simple marvels around him, his irresistible beauty that surprised me more each day...

  “He was a heavenly vision. An angel enjoying glory in paradise, enjoying it before it was snatched away from him. From a safe distance, I stood there watching him. He took his hand out of the water and splashed some daisies with drops that fell from his fingers. A lady bug must have tickled his leg since he shook it carelessly and placed his hand on the spot. Then, when he turned his head to look at his hand and saw the lady bug fall from it, he sat up and began looking around in the flowers, as though he were afraid he had hurt the bug. Then he lay back down and gazed at the stream.

  “It seemed like the most inappropriate moment because, right then, I didn’t hate him. Nevertheless, I walked up to him and blurted:

  “ ‘I hate you.’

  “He turned around to look at me since I had approached him from behind.

  “ ‘Is that right? Go vent your feeling to a tree, it’ll care as much as I do.’

  “And at that moment, I truly hated him again.

  “ ‘Why are you so hateful to me? Why did you do this to me?’

  “ ‘Do this to you!’ he shouted and stood. ‘Ha! Is that how you refer to the life I gave you? To what all humanity would sell their souls to have? You’re already accustomed to that beautiful and healthy body, don’t deny it! You were about to die!’

  “ ‘But this is monstrous! I feel like you’ve done something evil, so much so that every moment of my happiness brings me pain. I feel as if I don’t deserve to be happy, that something will punish me for this unnatural life.’

  “ ‘So you admit you’re happy.’

  “I realized I had told him what he wanted to hear.

  “ ‘Sporadically,’ I said.

  “ ‘Forget it. Don’t obsess. I didn’t give you an option, remember? Therefore, it’s not your fault.’

  “ ‘Are you sure? Do you really mean that or are you just trying to make me feel better?’ I asked although I really didn’t want an answer.

  “ ‘It’s absolutely true. I didn’t give you an option but I knew you wouldn’t resent me for what I had done. And you don’t, do you?’

  “How did he dare suggest I wasn’t blaming him, that I didn’t resent him? And how was it possible that I really didn’t resent him?

  “ ‘Why did you do it? You have to tell me,’ I asked in a pleading voice as he stood up.

  “ ‘I did it for love,’ he said dryly. ‘I’ve never done anything that wasn’t due to love.’

  “I wanted to ask him if it was only his love for Shallem that had urged him to keep me alive.

  “ ‘And now,’ he added. ‘Don’t ever ask me that again because the answer will be the same and you’ll only irritate me. Do you underst
and? Don’t worry, soon you’ll be all right. You’ll get over it soon.’

  “Suddenly, I was staring at an empty space. I never did find out exactly why he had kept me alive and I knew, with certainty, that I would never dare ask again.

  “It didn’t happen right away but, indeed, that bitter and painful feeling began slowly receding, although the guilt remains today, like a stain in my memory, and although I still can’t look in the mirror without questioning my own existence.

  “At first, I wanted to alter my own dresses to fit my new body since I was too sad and upset to worry about shopping for new ones. Shallem thought my old dresses were too dull and drab for someone so young so he took me to Paris to shop for some marvelous new creations. During that era, the French government was trying, in vain and senselessly, to repress all luxuries. However, in our hotel room the most skilled dressmakers adorned my gowns with lace and gold colored crepe.