Dirty Chaos

by L. A. Corvill

  “It must be serious if you are crying.”

  I jump, startled when I hear Brian’s voice. I turn in the darkened room and find him standing on the open window.

  “I could taste the angst as soon as I got out of my truck,” he says, not making a move to come inside the room.

  I get up, run, and jump on him. I wrap my legs around his waist and kiss him softly. He grips my ass tighter and walks with me, still clinging to my lips in the darkened room. I am ready to be loved.

  Brian kisses me on my lips before lowering me onto the floor. He looks straight into my eyes and caresses my face.

  “Don’t cry baby,” he whispers. “I don’t like to see you this way.” He wipes my tears away and runs his thumb over my lips before pressing his against mine. His kiss is soft and gentle, sweet and passionate. He slowly trails kisses down my neck, lowering my tank, exposing my flesh. He kisses me down my body, making me moan. He positions himself between my legs and presses into me. I can feel his arousal, and it makes the pulsing between my legs ache even more. He pulls my tank over my head and removes my shorts, leaving only my slippers on. I rub my hands under his shirt, signaling him to remove it. I can hear myself panting as I quickly unbutton his jeans.

  “Make love to me,” I say, lowering his jeans as far as I can. He’s panting now, and it doesn’t take long before he stands to completely remove his jeans. I lie on the floor, and I can feel the throbbing between my legs intensify in anticipation. He positions himself between my legs¸ slowly spreading them wider. He tenderly touches my face. I close my eyes and feel his hands and warm lips on my forehead, then on my nose. He takes my lips in his. He gently sucks on my lower lip, slipping his tongue in my mouth. His kiss is intense; he begins to move up and down, rubbing his hardness against me.

  “Open your eyes,” he tells me. I open my eyes and see him looking right at me.

  “Please just make it all go away,” I plead with him. I want him to take away all my anger, all my pain, and all my hurt, all of it.

  I see him slip on a condom before lowering himself between my legs. I want to remove my slippers, but untying them will take time I don’t have. I need him inside me to ease my ache, my anger, my hurt. I need to replace all those feelings with love, love that he will give me.

  He kisses me.

  “I love you,” he whispers as I thrust my hips forward to feel the tip of him in my entrance.

  “And I you,” I whisper back.

  “Baby, you’re so ready for me,” he says, pulling away and gliding his fingers up and down my wetness, making me thrust my hips toward his fingers. He knows that it drives me crazy when he makes me wait.

  “Brian, please make love to me now,” I command.

  He removes his fingers and slowly slides himself in; I angle my hips up to feel him deeper inside of me. He slowly moves in and out of me, running his hand along my thigh and gripping my thigh to open me wider. He kisses my lips then places his head in the nook of my neck. I feel his warm breath, and it intensifies when he kisses my neck, sending chills down my spine. I can’t stand it; I can already feel the build of my orgasm so I wrap my legs around his waist and feel my release. He thrusts harder into me and I hear his breathing increase as he comes.

  “Baby, I take it your day was bad since you were so ready to release all your tension,” he says, pulling out of me. He kisses me and stands, removing his condom and placing it on the floor so he can dress.

  “Ugh, bad day doesn’t even begin to describe it.” I sit up and begin to untie my slippers, removing them, and tossing them to the corner.

  “Talk to me babe,” he says, grabbing ahold of my hand to bring me to stand. He gathers my clothes and helps me dress.

  “I’d rather not. Besides, it will just make me cry.”

  “So it has to do with Spencer?” He knows me so well. I can’t even look at him. I can feel the sting in my eyes as they start to water at the mention of my bike.

  “I really don’t want to talk about it,” I say harshly.

  “Okay, I’ll leave it alone for now.” He pulls me in, wrapping his arms around my neck and kissing my forehead. I close my eyes and lean in further, inhaling deeply so I can take in his warm scent. I love the way he smells; it so comforting.

  “I need a bath,” I say. He pulls away, looking into my eyes, bringing his lips to mine.

  I step toward the bubbly water awaiting me. I test the water by slowly lowering my foot into the bathtub, then slowly submerging myself completely. The warm water feels so good; it helps to ease the achiness creeping into my muscles.

  “Brian, come and wait in here with me.” I like the feel of his presence. I don’t want to be alone right now. I know that if he leaves, my mind will go one hundred miles per hour, contemplating today’s events. My mom isn’t here; she is off painting in Paris while my dad photographs around the city. She’s the only one that understands what I need, other than my grandmother, who isn’t here either.

  Tears run down my cheeks. I need my bike. I need to practice. I need to be on the track. I need Nolan and Brian; without them I feel lost, like my life is incomplete.

  “Baby, I’ll talk to Jack tomorrow. I’ll get this squared away. Just promise me no more dangerous stunts until…”He knows the only reason I get suspended from using my bike is when I attempt something I shouldn’t have.

  “Dangerous stunts?! Dangerous stunts?! If I were a guy, this wouldn’t even be an issue. He would be applauding me for being a daredevil. But, because I’m a girl, I can’t even push my limits! This is so fucking unfair!” Anger seethes through my teeth. I’m so angry at this whole situation. I’m even angry with Brian, which is usually difficult because he’s always so supportive and loving.

  “Baby, I just don’t want to see you get hurt. It would kill me if something happened to you. I’m not saying don’t do it; all I’m saying is that you need to run things through with Jack first so that he knows what precautions to take when you do. I’m sure you completely caught him off-guard when you pulled off your stunt.”

  “When I almost pulled off my stunt,” I correct. “If only I would’ve held my grip a little tighter, I would’ve fucking nailed it, then he would be applauding me for pulling off the Superman.”

  “The Superman? Are you crazy?! No wonder Spencer is under lock and key. I’m sure you nearly gave Jack a heart attack. You could’ve killed yourself.” I know he’s right. Brian is always the logical one that makes me see the perspective of others, but I still feel Jack went too far today.

  My bath is getting cold, so Brian hands me a towel, helping me dry myself.

  “Stay with me tonight. My mom won’t be back for another couple of days, and I don’t want to be alone,” I say. I sit on his lap and kiss him to persuade him to stay.

  “Of course, anything you want.” He hugs me and we head toward my bedroom. I throw on a long, oversized tee and slip on my panties.

  “Baby, so what is really going on? I mean, yes I know you’re upset over Spencer, but I know this goes deeper than that,” he says, tucking my hair behind my ear. He knows me so well; I love that about him.

  “It’s just that we only have one more year together and then each of us will be going our own way. I honestly don’t even know what I want to do with my life yet,” I say, emotions running deep inside.

  “Baby, don’t worry. We will figure something out. We will always be together. It will always be us,” he assures me.

  Enough has been said tonight. I’m exhausted, and Brian knows I no longer want to discuss any of this. We both lie on my bed, not bothering to turn on the television. Peace and quiet is all I need and Brian knows that. I close my eyes and drift off to sleep.

  It has been three days. Three. I can’t sleep well; I feel antsy. I need the regular dose of adrenaline that I feel when I’m on my bike. Screw Jack and his punishment. I can’t go on like this. I’m in need of release.

  I throw my comforter off of me, and run to the shower. I’ve had enough waiting. I
have to get on the track today. I have to keep my mind busy; I can’t continue to be lost in my head anymore. I’ll go crazy. The same things keep running through my head: What college should I go to? Why don’t I feel anything when I’m with the guys anymore? Can I make it to World Dance Academy? When should I tell the guys I have applied?

  I jump into the shower, and my mind starts to wonder about one of the main questions: Should I continue my sexual relationship with Nolan and Brian?

  I know if people found out about us they would think that it is crazy or call it incest, even if we are technically not related. We have shared all our firsts and after the first time it just became a routine, but lately the chemistry or hormones that made it pleasurable at the beginning are non-existent. I do love them both more than anyone in the world, but even the other night when I used them both to get rid of my funk, I didn’t feel any connection.

  I know that I have to tell them eventually, just one more thing to add to my worries. I can’t use them for sex anymore. They are about to leave for college next year, and I need to learn to live without them, to resolve my emotions differently. However, I do need them to get me through this school year. Maybe I don’t ever have to tell them since they are moving away to college. They will meet girls and eventually move on too.

  I dry off and put on my clothes. I pick up my hair in a messy bun and head downstairs. I walk into the kitchen, the second best place in the house because I will always find my favorite person in the world: my abuelita.

  “You are up early, princessa,” my abuelita tells me as she continues to stir something on the stove that smells fantastic.

  “Yeah, I’m going for a drive. I need to get some fresh air. Maybe join the boys at the river,” I inform her.

  “Why do you feel it is necessary to lie to me, Lola? I know every inch of you, so I know when you are lying to me,” she tells me this as she turns to face me with an arched brow. “Sorry, Jack said that you are not allowed to go to the track for a week.”

  “I’m not going there. Well, I might pass through there but not stop. Besides he is being unfair, don’t you think? Where are our equal rights as women? Important women fought very hard for us to be treated with equality. I am pretty sure you know that since you were probably there.”

  “You are not winning this argument, Lola. I told your parents you know.”

  “What! Why?”

  “Because you could’ve gotten really hurt, niñita. Jack said that if he sees you before next week on his track, he will not train you anymore.”

  “What! He is taking this too far. He is going to get a piece of my mind.”

  “Lola! Chiquia malcriada.”

  I storm out of the house. Jack is going to find out what he can do with his ultimatum. I jump into my Jeep and speed out of the driveway toward the track. I am so upset; I can feel the heat waves pouring out of me. Stupid pig-headed man.

  I get to the track and park in front of Jack’s AutoStop. I can hear the rumble of the dirt bikes out back. As I turn the corner, I see cars parked out back, and I wonder what’s going on.

  As I get closer to the track, I see Nolan and Brian leaning against the fence, and they are not alone. Thirty guys are lined up, looking at the track. I get closer to them, and I see what has them so fascinated.

  Someone on the track is freestyling. Whoever he is, he is flawless and in control. The jump has tremendous height. The execution is pro level. My pissy mood is forgotten. Nothing makes me feel better than seeing someone do something I love with perfection. I wonder who he is.

  I’m about to call to Nolan and Brian when I see it. The fucker on the track is on my bike. No one is allowed to ride my bike but me. I see Nolan and Brian turn toward me. I didn’t realize I had screamed out loud.

  “Lola, sweetie, calm down.” This I hear coming from Brian.

  “Shit just hit the fan.” Nolan always says how it is. I see murder in my future.

  “Who the fuck is on my bike? No, more importantly, who gave him permission to ride it?” I scream at them. My pissy mood is back. I am very particular with my things. I don’t share them with anyone. Now, this stranger thinks that just because he is awesome he gets to ride my bike. I look at them and stomp back toward the auto shop. I am shaking with anger and I need to calm down before I go over to tear Jack apart. I can hear Jack talking to Nolan and Brian as I stomp away.

  “Was that…”

  “Yep.”

  “So, she saw…”

  “Yep.”

  “Fuck.”

  “Yeah.”

  “So, I better go talk to her, right?”

  “Yep, but whatever you do, don’t stand too close. She kicks,” Nolan warns. I grew up with boys, what do you expect? I always go for their junk.

  Yeah, he better be scared because I am furious. I walk into the office and swipe the desk clean. I don’t care that my hissy fit is childlike; I am gloomy and I haven’t been able to dance it nor fuck it away, and especially not ride it out.

  “Look, Lola, let me explain. I figu-”

  “I don’t give a crap about your explanations, Jack. That is my bike,” I say, pointing outside. “You know no one is allowed to use it, no exceptions.” I am trying to calm down. Jack is like my uncle and I don’t want to disrespect him, but he is out of line lending my bike to someone I don’t know, especially behind my back.

  “I didn’t just let anyone use it, Lola. I know better than that. Luka is going pro. He knows how to ride better than you, and is able to manage it way better. Besides, he has been riding since Wednesday and nothing has happened.”

  “What!” I scream, feeling my anger returning. “He has been riding my bike for three days and you have not mentioned it to me at all? No wonder you suspended me from the track. Was this your plan all along to get rid of me? I bet I made it easy for you falling that day. And by the way, you telling me he is better than me is not going to make me calm down.”

  “I did that because you were being careless.” He leans down to pick up some of the debris that fell from the desk. “Luka’s bike is on its way here. He needs to keep practicing. He is just like you; he can’t be off those darn bikes for more than a few hours. I figured that you wouldn’t mind since he is one of the best, but since you are acting like a spoiled child, I’ll let him know that his time is up.” He walks back outside toward the track.

  I am not going to stop him or feel bad for that guy not being able to ride. That’s my bike. Jack is crazy if he thinks I’m staying off the track another day. I look around the small office and I do feel bad about the mess. I start to gather it up. I hear footsteps coming my way from the side of the auto shop, must be the boys.

  “Is it safe?” Nolan asks, coming inside.

  “What happened?” Brian follows behind him. Yeah, now they come. I am more pissed off at them than I was at Jack. They are supposed to have my back. They should have called me the moment they saw someone other than me on my bike.

  “What the hell do you all want?” The bite is still in my voice as I look at them through narrow eyes.

  “We came to see how you were,” Nolan says as he comes toward me to help me pick up some of the mess. He dumps some papers on the desk as I put the stapler back.

  “Now you care about me? How come neither of you called me to say that some guy was riding my bike. Huh?”

  “We just got here right before you did and we weren’t sure it was yours,” Brian says, trying to make excuses. Like they would not know that’s my bike, they helped me pick it out! It was custom made for me. It has my freaking number on it, #122.

  “Whatever,” I say as I walk out. I need to clear my head. I have to stop acting like a baby all the time when things don’t go my way. I have always been calm and collected, something I learned from ballet, but lately all my emotions have been out of whack.

  “Do you want company? We can go with you, right Nolan?” Brian says, hitting Nolan with his hand. I just want to be alone.

  “No. I don’t hang
out with traitors,” I throw back as I walk out into the sun. I can feel the excitement in the air. Yeah, this Luka guy might be good, but I bet he is just another egotistical male.

  School starts tomorrow and the anxiety is building. One more year before my life as I have known it will no longer exist. I’m in the dance room, stretching when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I stare right back at me and wonder what things will be like a year from now. Where will I be? In school? On the track? I have never feared the unknown until now. I love the boys equally but I just don’t know if I am in love with them.

  I need to dance. I lock the door to the room and hit play on the music player, hearing Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata over the speakers. Immediately, my feet move to sound of the piano, my body turning to the strokes of the keys. I love this song, the emotions it evokes in me. It’s sad but graceful. There’s darkness to it, just like what I’m feeling in my soul. Then with the second and third movement of the sonata, it takes me back to what my life has been like, upbeat and careless. The song ending, and I feel my feet trying keep up with the beat. Sweat runs down my spine and cheeks as I end my dance with allegro.

  My legs are cramping and my muscles are burning; I no longer have the strength to hold myself up. I fall to the floor and break down in tears. All my emotions are so fucked up that I don’t really know why I’m crying. I don’t know how long I sit in the silence of the room; it must have been a while since I feel the hard wood floors press up against me, causing discomfort. I pick myself up and head to my bedroom. I need a shower.

  I head back to the room after a much needed shower. I hear my phone chime, “Hey beautiful, you’ve got a text message.”

  Nolan: Meet me outside in 10