Dirty Chaos

by L. A. Corvill

  I wait in the wings for my music to start. I hear the first string of the violin of my song “Crystalize” by Lindsey Sterling, giving me the cue to make my way to the middle of the stage. I start in second position and start my routine. Dion decided to do new dance with classical ballet as a way to show the judges my diversity in dance.

  Every twist, every jump I make, I’m thinking of my abuela. Every extension is perfect for her.

  I don’t even realize until I’m done that I’m crying.

  I look at their blank expressions and my heart sinks. I know I nailed it. I take a bow and walk off the stage to wait until they call me back to give me the results.

  I wait in the wings. I’m going over everything that just happened to see where I messed up, but if I didn’t even realize I was crying, how could I remember what I did wrong?

  “Ms.Cole, can you walk up back up to the stage?”

  I take a deep breath and make my way back to the stage. Standing in third position, I wait for their words.

  “Ms. Cole, it says here that you have been dancing since the age of six. Your training has been extensive. You came very highly recommend by some of our colleagues that have seen you on the side stage while you were learning at a studio. How long have you been off the stage?”

  “Two years. When I decided to make this my future, I felt if wanted to be on top I needed more one on one training,” I reply.

  “We see that Master Dion has been instructing you at home.”

  “Yes, sir. He has taken me under his wing. I am grateful for the time he has given me.”

  “At this time, we the committee feel that you show some promise, but we regret that we can’t afford to have someone just show promise. We need you to be a prima ballerina already. With a little more time and dedication you can…” I stop listening after that.

  I curtsey and walk off the stage. My heart is breaking. I walk out of the auditorium in a daze. As I open the doors, my parents and Dion are waiting for me with bouquets of flowers, and standing behind them are Nolan and Brian. Even if I know he is not here that doesn’t stop me from looking for another face in this crowd waiting for me. I can see their anticipation to fade to sadness, probably as they see I am not wearing much on my face.

  My mother walks to me and hugs me.

  “We are proud of you, no matter what.” She kisses my forehead and takes a step back. My father comes up next.

  “You are still my favorite princess ballerina, I love you.” I earn another kiss from him. “They will regret it. Pendejos.” That earns a small smile from me.

  “Lo, they are crazy for letting you go.”

  “You guys came.” I hug them both.

  “Did you doubt us? I’m hurt,” Nolan says. “We will always come.”

  “Were you even allowed to leave the hospital?” Even though I’m glad that they are here, I don’t want Nolan to suffer any negative side effects for leaving the hospital if he was not ready.

  “Can anyone stop me? Besides, I would not have missed this.”

  “Seriously Lo, are you okay?” Brian asks, always the worrier.

  “It’s weird to say that in a way I am. I mean I know that dance is my life, but I’m more hurt that I didn’t get in for my abuela, than for me.”

  “Good to know, but I was not talking about that. I saw you searching the crowd just now.”

  “I can never get anything pass you, huh?”

  “You must know he wanted to be here. He was just unsure of his reception.” Brian tells me. I really screwed up if Luka’s confidence has wavered.

  I give them a shaky smile. I get a full one from both of them.

  I know that they get me.

  I guess my abuelita was my reason that I wanted to be a prima ballerina, but I just wanted to dance. There will be other auditions and maybe, just maybe, I will make those.

  “Let’s go home,” I say as I look at my parents and walk outside with Brian and Nolan. They’re each holding one of my hands, just like old times. Yes, we will be okay. Life will continue just like before. These are my brothers; aside from everything we went through, we are family.

  Our plane arrives on time and we get to go home on the same day. The day has been long and I know that it was for my parents as well. I sit on my seat and put on my headphones. I need to be alone for a bit, to gather my thoughts. I take my phone out of my bag to search for a playlist. I see there is a text waiting to be read.

  Luka: I really wish I could be there for you today. To see you own that stage. But I have to respect your wishes to stay away from you. Just know I will always be waiting for you. I love you.

  First thing tomorrow, I am visiting my abuela’s grave.

  I hold the bouquet of her favorite flower: sunflowers. I walk toward her headstone. Laying the flowers at the base, I touch the stone like I would have touched her skin. I miss her. She was my very best friend and she knew me more than I knew myself. She would’ve have known what I needed to say to Luka to ask for his forgiveness.

  I sit cross-legged in front of her headstone. I take out the teacups and open the thermos and pour us some hot chamomile tea, another of her favorite things. I sit to have a conversation like we used too. It is what we always did when I had a problem or she just needed to give me her advice.

  “Abuelita, I didn’t make it to the World Dance Academy. I danced my heart out, leaving everything on the stage. I feel fulfilled with my performance, and I’m happy that I didn’t make it because even though I worked so hard to be there, I learned that leaving my loved ones was going to be harder. I would have missed you, Mom, Dad, Nolan and Brian way too much. Part of growing is learning that dreams can change or can be reshaped. When I was training with Luka, I actually enjoyed the part of teaching him to be better. So, I think I am going to major in dance and open my own dance academy. Ay, Abuelita, I really screwed up with Luka. I love him so much, and yes, I was angry at him for monopolizing my time at first. I know it wasn’t his fault. I guess I was mad at myself, and he got the brunt of it. I was so mad that I didn’t get to say goodbye, to hear your voice one last time. God, Abuelita I miss you so much. Please tell me what to do.” I cry silently, washing away the guilt, the hurt, and the sadness from my soul. Leaving it with her like I have thousands times before.

  A blanket of white mist covers the land; it looks like a dream. I gaze at the sun coming up over the horizon as I come to a stop on top of the hill. My mind has been on her and no matter how hard I try not to think about her, I think about her more. The rumble underneath me reminds me I need to complete the time lap. Uncle Jack has been tough these last couple of days, but it’s the only way I can get distracted and not think about Lola not answering my texts. I come to the starting point and I see Uncle Jack’s lips moving. By the way his face is contorting, I can tell he’s pissed.

  “What the hell are you doing stopping in the middle of the fucking track?” Uncle Jack yells.

  “Just looking at the sunrise,” I answer honestly.

  “If you want to enjoy a fucking view, do it on your vacation. I’m not here this fucking early to watch the sun rise. I’m here to prepare you for a fucking race! Now get your damn head out of the fucking clouds and focus on the fucking track.” Uncle Jack shakes his head and circles his pointed index finger, indicating I do another round.

  I focus on the dirt underneath the rubber tires and take each turn shorter than the last. I make it back to Uncle Jack and his facial expression is different.

  “That’s what I’m fucking talking about, son. That’s how you need to do it every fucking time! You see this? You have never hit this time before. This is fucking awesome! You got this Luka. Boy I’m telling you, you’re gonna bring some serious competition. We are done for today, go home and rest up.” He walks away shaking his head.

  I slip my helmet off and take my bike into the garage. I place my helmet on the handle. I run my fingers along the leather seat and kneel down beside it. I take a deep breath. I need this. God, I really ne
ed this. But damn, I need her, too. My heartbreaks as each day passes that she doesn’t call me or think of me. Life can never be the same; I can’t forget her or my love for her. She breathed life into my soul, and I need her.

  I check my phone for any messages. Nothing. There’s nothing. I’m not giving up. I turn, removing my shirt and throwing into my bag. I grab a black t-shirt and pull it over. I grab my bag and turn to see her standing there. I want to be angry with her, to yell at her, but seeing her beautiful face I just can’t. All I have in my heart for her is love. She is exactly what my life has been missing and I’m not going to let her go. Ever. She’s the keeper of my soul and the owner of my heart. She walks toward me and I toward her.

  “Luka, I’m sorry.” Her words are choked and seeing her this way breaks me. I take her face in my hands pressing my lips to hers. I don’t need to say I forgive her because I will always forgive her.

  “I love you,” I whisper in her ear and her embrace tightens around me.

  “I love you,” she says.

  I kiss her without restraint, invading her mouth with my tongue. I feel her bite my lower lip and suck it, causing me to kiss her harder. I want to take all the sadness away from her. I grab the sides of her face and place a kiss on her soft pink lips. I look into her eyes as she closes them, not wanting me to see her despair. I lean my forehead against hers. God, she will never know how much I love her. She places her head on my chest and cries. I don’t say anything to her. I want her to let it all out. I want to tell her everything will be alright but it’ll just be a lie. I don’t know the future or what has caused her sadness, but I do know that no matter what I will be there.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come here and cry. I wanted to come and apologize for-” I cut her off mid sentence and place a finger on her lips.

  “I forgive you, I always will.” I kiss her sweet lips again and wrap my arms around her. I take in her scent and I close my eyes. I want this forever.

  I need to go home and shower, but I don’t want to let her go. I don’t know what plans she has but I hope she’s ready to spend the day with me.

  “Do you need anything from your house?” I ask.

  “No, why?” she asks a little apprehensively.

  “Because you’re mine all day,” I tell her. I don’t give her an option because this is what I need.

  “Ok, not that I had any plans or anything,” she says.

  “Good to know and even if you did, your plans have just changed. Come on, let’s go.”

  “Where?”

  “Don’t worry about it, you’re with me, and that’s all that matters.” I lean into her lips and brush mine against hers. Her lips part and I press mine to hers. She has no idea how much she means to me.

  I have never driven so slow before but I need this time to enjoy every minute I can with her. We arrive at my place. I take her to my room. Luckily, my mom’s car isn’t out front and Uncle Jack is still at the track. I shut the door behind me. I grab her arm and bring her to my lips. I scoot her back against my bed until she falls against it. I place myself between her legs and I stare into her eyes. I feel her arms wrap around me and I press into her. She moves her hips under me, tempting me to take her. Damn, she has no idea how crazy she makes me. I want her right now. I jump to my feet when my bedroom door swings open.

  “What are you doing?” my little sister casually asks.

  It’s hard to act causal when you’re startled. I look over at Lola and I can tell she is embarrassed.

  “Nothing. I am going to take a shower and take Lola out to lunch. Keep her company while I do that, ok?” I ask her.

  I take a quick shower. I rush to my room with a towel wrapped around my waist and change into my clothes. I can hear Lola laughing with my sister and it makes me smile. I walk into the living room and see them watching one of my favorite shows, The Big Bang Theory. That show makes me laugh every time.

  “Ready?” I ask Lola.

  “Yeah,” she says.

  “Want to have lunch with us?” I ask my sister, hoping she says no but feeling guilty leaving and not inviting her if she’s hungry.

  “No thanks, Mom went to the office and will be home soon. She said she was going to bring me lunch. You guys have fun,” she says and goes back to watching the show.

  We walk out to my car. I open the door for her and she takes a seat inside the car. I walk around and get in; her scent is ever so present. Before I start the car, I lean over and kiss her. I drive to the diner. We walk in and take a seat at the booth. I sit across from her. I love seeing her face. She is so beautiful but I can tell there is some sadness behind her eyes. I don’t want to ask what’s wrong; I am hoping that she will tell me willingly.

  We order our shakes and food. It seems like the burgers with the basket of fries and onion rings are going to be our usual here. I hope there will be a usual again for us. Her sadness is a little worrisome and I hope that her future includes me in it. I reach across the table for her hand and squeeze it.

  “Luka, I feel like I owe you an explanation. I don’t even know where to start.” She removes her hand from mine and I clench my fist in the absence of her hand. I want to know everything: what she did when we didn’t talk, why she didn’t feel the need to talk to me, why she pushed me away, what happened that changed her mind, if she still wants to be with me. So many questions, but I know she will tell me when she is ready.

  I open my hand and give her a three-point gaze; to my hand, to her, and down to her hand. She knows exactly what to do and she places her hand back in mine.

  “Lola, I promise that nothing you say to me right now will hurt me more than it hurt being without you.” There is some truth in my words. There might be things she can say that will hurt me but I had to say that in order for her to open up to me.

  She takes a deep breath.

  “I blamed you,” she says, attempting to remove her hand from mine. I grip it hard not letting her, she need to know that I am never letting her go again.

  “I know. The last words that kept replaying in my mind were that you felt guilty for loving me.”

  “I did, because I wanted someone to blame other than myself,” she says as tears escape her eyes.

  “Lola, the things that happened with your grandmother and Nolan weren’t your fault. Death always comes when it’s unexpected. There was no way you could’ve prevented it. Yes, maybe I am to blame for Nolan’s addiction to the pills, but I didn’t do it intentionally. I was trying to help him, but now I realize I should’ve suggested he go to see his doctor rather than help him mask out his pain. For that, I am sorry.”

  “I know now that Abuela’s death couldn’t have been prevented. I just couldn’t help but ask myself, what if I would’ve been there? Would she still be here? Regardless, I should have never blamed you. I am so sorry. So, so sorry.” She cries silently, trying not to attract attention. I get out of the booth and slip in beside her, wrapping my arms around her and kissing her head.

  “I forgive you, and I always will, Lola,” I whisper into her ear.

  I want to say those words repeatedly until happiness bleeds out of her. I never want her to hurt. I never want her to be sad. I never want her to feel pain. She looks into my eyes, and her eyes move to my lips. Her lips brush mine, but before she kisses me, she places her head against my chest.

  “Just making sure it’s still beating,” she says.

  I look at her dumbfounded, because of course my heart is still beating.

  “I promise I’m no zombie,” I say sarcastically.

  “No, silly. You said that as long as your heart beats you would never give up on us. Thank you for that.” She leans in and places a kiss on my lips.

  “It’s true. It’s you and me forever, baby. I will love you for infinity.”

  “Always and forever,” she says back.

  Our lunch is already on the table. We were so preoccupied with each other that we didn’t even notice when it arrived. Side by side we eat. I s
it there with a heavy heart when she tells me that her dream of dancing at the World Dance Academy isn’t going to be possible. Regardless of the miles between us, I was going to make this relationship work. Now that she will be here, I see her with me wherever I go.

  Leaving here was never an option for me. First, Lola is here. Second, I don’t have the money. Lastly, my training is here with Uncle Jack. We spend hours sitting, eating, and talking about everything and nothing. We have dessert- two actually. This is how I see my future: sitting next to the woman that owns me. I love this woman. God, I am the luckiest man ever. We talk about our future and our plans living here. Lola wants to attend the university here in town and as for me, well I don’t know if I’ll have time for school, but I won’t rule it out just yet. We finally make it out of the diner and it’s dusk out. I am not ready to part with her just yet so I decide to take her to a place I found when I was out looking for solace.

  It takes us a while to reach the place where the stars shine brighter, where the night breeze softy brushes your skin, where the darkness wraps around you with comfort. It’s the place where we first kissed. I get out of the car and walk around to open her door. She steps out and I shut the door behind her. We are standing in complete darkness. The only glimmer of light is from the stars above. The moon is out but our eyes haven’t adjusted to the darkness surrounding us. I feel her body turn to face me. She places her small soft hands on the sides of my face, and I lean in to kiss her.

  “Oh my God, you just kissed my nose,” she says laughing.

  “Sorry, that was meant for your lips.” I run my hand down her face to her mouth and I place mine against hers. Our lips are hungrily seeking each other and I can’t seem to stop; I don’t want to stop if I could devour her, I would.

  I feel her hands moving up my back under my shirt and it sends chills down my spine. Her touch is so soft it seems like butterfly wings running up and down my back. I kiss her down her neck and push her against my car. I need her. I put myself between her thighs and my hardness rubs against her. Her breathing gets heavier as I caress her body. I don’t want to stop, but if I don’t I swear I will throw her on the ground and take her.