Live Like You Mean It

by Ava Stone

  But that’s not who I was anymore. Leah might have left me, but I still loved her and I wasn’t going to fuck Hayley Byrne. Not now, not ever. I shook my head. “No, I’m not doing this, Hayley. I appreciate the opportunity to be on tour, but there’s no one in the world like my girlfriend, and I’m not cheating on her.” Even if she wasn’t my girlfriend anymore.

  She looked more than pissed all of a sudden. “Yeah, we’ll see.”

  No, we wouldn’t. But I wasn’t about to get into a fight with her backstage with neither of us dressed. Who knew what the fuck could happen. “I’ll just come back, when you’re done.”

  Then I grabbed one of the towels on the counter, wrapped it around my torso and escaped the dressing room.

  I just stood there, water dripping from my hair and my mouth dropped open. Shit. Had I just imagined that bullshit? Or had it really happened?

  I spotted the drummer across the way and something he said to me back in DC echoed in my mind. Just look pretty. Just look pretty? I hadn’t thought a thing about it at the time, but now after Hayley’s shower assault, I needed to know if this was an all the time thing.

  So I followed him, ignoring the confused expressions of the crew members I passed. “Hey Fashingbaur,” I called, finally stopping the guy in his tracks.

  The drummer looked back at me and started laughing. “What they run out of hot water or something?”

  “Or something,” I muttered as I closed the distance between us. “Hey, I gotta talk to you.”

  “Yeah? I’m just headed back to get my hit.”

  “Just take a minute.”

  “Come on, then.” He waved me toward an office door just a few feet away.

  I followed him into the room, still holding my towel around my torso and feeling like an idiot.

  A couple guys were already in the room. The keyboardist and some guy I hadn’t met before and both were lounged in a couple of chairs. “Just fixed you up something special, Paul,” the stranger gestured to a nearby table with a couple of syringes.

  Fashingbaur picked up one of the syringes and flicked it with his finger. “So what is it, Brody?”

  Shit. I hadn’t really wanted to do this with an audience, but I didn’t really have a choice. “What did you mean that first day when I asked you for advice on meeting Hayley and you said ‘just look pretty’.”

  The keyboardist started to cackle. “She grabbed your cock in the shower, didn’t she?”

  I turned my attention from Fashingbaur to the keyboardist. “This happen all the time?”

  “Only to the pretty boys,” the drummer replied. Then he lifted the syringe out to the stranger. “You do the honors?”

  “Yeah, yeah, Paul, just sit down,” the guy said, pushing out of his chair.

  The drummer took the vacated seat, leaned his head back, and opened his mouth wide.

  Then the guy with the syringe, stuck him with the needle, right under his tongue and injected him with…Shit, they were doing heroin? I hadn’t even been paying attention until now. I was still trying to process the Hayley-in-the-shower bullshit.

  “What the fuck?” I whispered. I’d seen some shit in my days, especially the days I’d spent in Amsterdam. I done some shit in my days, but I’d never seen anyone inject heroin under their fucking tongue.

  “Doesn’t leave marks that way,” the keyboardist answered my unasked question.

  “You doing H?” I asked, though it was pretty obvious what was exactly what they were doing.

  “Want some?” the keyboardist asked. “Take the edge off of your first time out there alone.”

  My first time out there alone. Fuck. What I wouldn’t give to not be out there alone. What I wouldn’t give to have Daniel and Cade and even choirboy Jason with me right now. What I wouldn’t give to have Leah with me right now and always. But I’d left them all to fly halfway across the country to get groped and watch grown men shoot H under their tongues.

  It was like I’d landed on fucking Mars. “I’m good,” I said. And then I turned on my heel, and started back toward the dressing room.

  Amy was standing just outside, her arms folded across her chest. “Where the hell did you go?” she asked, gesturing back toward the dressing room I’d escaped from earlier.

  And I had no answer for her. I ran away from a hot, naked girl. I had to talk to some guys shooting smack under their tongues. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing here. All of those were accurate and yet I couldn’t utter even one of those lines. “Sorry,” I said instead.

  She heaved a sigh, pushed open the door and waited for me to go back inside.

  I did and was relieved not to find Hayley waiting for me in there. My mind still whirled, though. Hayley had seemed so cool, so girl-next-door, so normal when I first met her. I still wasn’t even sure what the fuck had happened or where the fuck she’d come from.

  “We got some black jeans and a blue button down for you.”

  And sure enough the clothes she mentioned, woven with something metallic, were folded on the counter next to my real clothes.

  “And I’m not your mother, so don’t get used to me picking up your shit. Never again. I don’t care who you are or who you’re fucking, ok?”

  “Yeah,” I breathed out.

  “Get dressed,” she said softer. “Time is running out.”

  I looked at both sets of clothes. Sounds like existential bullshit, I know, but it was almost like both sets of clothes were representative of the choices I had before me. Of which life path I wanted to take. And for the briefest of moments, I imagined throwing on my old clothes and hitching a ride back to the airport. But that was stupid. I was here. It was the night I’d waited my whole life for even if nothing had gone right so far today.

  So I got dressed in my stage clothes with Amy sitting right there, organizing her makeup and brushes. And then in no time, she had me ready to go.

  “You mind if I ask you a question?” I met the makeup artist’s eye in the mirror.

  “Ask away.”

  “What happened to the other guy? The guy who opened in DC?”

  “He got sick,” she said. “Rushed to the hospital, emergency surgery.”

  So he hadn’t run off because he was sexually harassed then. I didn’t know if that made me feel better or worse. “Ok. Thanks.”

  She smiled, like she knew the thoughts that were racing through my mind. “It’ll get easier. Once you’re in the swing of things.” Then she pointed her finger at me. “I’m still not your maid, got it?”

  “Yeah,” I agreed quickly. “Sorry.”

  “Derek left your guitar—” she gestured to a table and chair at the far corner of the room “—if you want to practice a little.”

  “That’s awesome. Thanks.”

  And then she was gone.

  I flipped open the guitar case and pulled out my old beat up guitar. Staub had said it made me look authentic. And it might just be the only real thing about me tonight. I looked at myself in the mirror and took a deep breath. 40,000 people would hear me play tonight. 40,000 people! Shit, I didn’t want to fuck up.

  So I ran through the first couple songs, making sure everything sounded right. And it did. I was starting to relax a little and something vibrated on the counter. My cell, in my real pants.

  Leah. At least I hoped it was her. But I always hoped it was her. I put my guitar on the counter and retrieved my cell from my old pants. Jack Price’s card came along with it. There are all kinds of opportunities for creative minds, Brody. Call me if you need anything.

  I glanced quickly at my phone. The text wasn’t from Leah. She was never going to text me again, no matter how often I checked my messages.

  Cade’s name lit up the screen. U got this

  The lights were on me. I couldn’t see much of the arena, just the first couple rows of teenage girls. They were screaming and jumping up and down and I was nervous as shit.

  U got this

  Cade barely had his own shit together, but…He sti
ll had my back when I needed it most. Like the guys in your band were supposed to. But I hadn’t had theirs. I’d been a selfish prick, thinking about myself, working this deal without any of them knowing it. And I’d lost the most amazing girl in the world because of it. All for this moment.

  I adjusted the microphone, leaned a little closer and then played my first chord.

  And I was fucking awesome. I sang better than I had in the studio, better than I’d ever sounded in my life. I sang each song I’d collaborated with Johnny Staub in the studio. And then I looked out against the lights, soaked in the deafening applause in the arena, and I cleared my throat.

  “Hello Houston!”

  The crowd went insane.

  “That’s all I was supposed to sing tonight, and the amazing Hayley Byrne will be out real soon. But I have one more song if you’ll be nice enough to let me sing it.”

  More deafening applause.

  “I wrote this song a little while ago for the most amazing girl in the world. One who’s walked away from me. And she was right to do so. But with a little bit of luck, maybe I can get her back. What do you think?”

  Another roar echoed across the arena.

  And then I sang Crazy. And I didn’t hear the crowd. And I didn’t see the lights. I just saw Leah in my room back in Wheston, sitting on the edge of my bed, her dark hair cascading over her shoulders and her gray eyes on me as I played that song for her that night so long ago. The first time I’d made love to her. God, I wanted those days back.

  “Crazy out of my mind it’s true. Crazy all the time since I met you. Close but far behind, what can I do? I’m crazy out of my mind for you,” I sang the last lines and played the last chord and realization struck me. I’d wanted her to stay with me forever, but I was the one who’d left.

  Then I thanked the city of Houston for their hospitality, made my way backstage, changed back into my clothes, and hailed a cab back to the Four Seasons so I could pick up my shit. I checked the airline app on my phone and my stomach twisted. No red-eyes. How was there not a red-eye? Damn it, I’d have to say in Houston overnight. The first flight back to Dulles was a 5:50am though. So I could be back in Virginia by ten o’clock.

  I called Mr. Staub from the cab and quit the tour on the spot. And then I pulled out Mr. Price’s card and dialed his cell.

  “Jack Price,” he answered on the first ring.

  “H-hi, Mr. Price,” I said as the Houston skyscrapers passed outside my window. “Brody Campbell. I hope it’s not too late.”

  “Brody?” he sounded more than surprised. “I didn’t expect you to call.”

  “Neither did I,” I admitted. “Is it a bad time?”

  “No, no. Are you all right?”

  Pretty far from all right, but I was going to try to fix that. “Tell me again, what kind of opportunities are there for creative minds?”

  He paused for a second and then said, “End Result is the consulting firm I mentioned in DC. They specialize in creative solutions for high-end clients. But they only consider top graduates, Brody.”

  DC. I could do DC. It was close enough to Wheston, just a few hours away. But I’d have to graduate first. Luckily, I’d really only missed one day of classes so far. “Actually, I’m on my way back to Wheston in the morning, Mr. Price.” And after the shit Hayley Byrne had pulled, there was supposed to be a first class ticket waiting for me at the airport, courtesy of one Johnny Staub.

  “Oh.” He sounded even more surprised than he had a minute ago. “Well, the CEO is Wheston alumni. Why don’t you meet me in my office Monday morning and I’ll see if I can pull some strings.”

  “Deal.”

  I got to the hotel, picked up my room key, and then collapsed onto my bed. After the day I’d had – airports, delayed flights, the fucked up shit backstage, and singing in front of 40,000 people – that bed was the height of luxury.

  I pulled my phone from my back pocket and I was so close to calling Leah’s number. But she wouldn’t answer a call from me. I’d bet money on it. So instead, I called Daniel.

  “Hey, man,” he said, sounding pretty surprised. “You finish already? How’d it go?”

  “Yeah,” I said, using my best Preston Campbell voice. “I’m calling about the flyer I saw up at school. Are you still looking for a bass player?”

  Silence on the other end of the phone.

  “Daniel?” I said after a minute.

  “You all right, Brody?” he asked

  “Yeah.” I was getting there. Just as soon as I could. “I’m coming back, Daniel. I come in at ten o’clock in the morning. I don’t suppose I could talk you in to picking me up at Dulles?”

  “Yeah, of course.” Then he released a breath. “What happened? You bomb?”

  “No,” I said, remembering the lights and the crowd. “I was on. And I was good. But…” my voice cracked, which surprised me probably as much as it did him. “Well, it’s just not the same without you and Cade and…even Jason.” And Leah, nothing was the same without her.

  He laughed at that. “Must be some fucked up shit if you’re missing Jason.”

  “Yeah, I’ll tell you all about it on the ride back to Wheston.”

  I’d just put Aiden down for the night and was headed back downstairs to work on my biology when someone knocked on the front door. Who in the world was stopping by at eight o’clock at night?

  “I’ll get it, Mom,” I called, since I was almost there anyway.

  “Ok, sweetie, I have Winston.”

  That was a blessing and one less thing to worry about.

  I opened the door and…

  My heart leapt to my throat. “Brody?” I breathed out.

  And he smiled at me like he’d done that first night in the ER when I thought he looked like a toothpaste model. Was I dreaming? He wasn’t even supposed to be in Wheston anymore. I wasn’t supposed to ever see him again.

  But there he was, standing on my stoop, just as handsome as he’d ever been and looking at me like I was the prettiest girl in Virginia.

  “Hey, babe,” he said softly. “I needed to see you.”

  And it sounded so like him. I wasn’t dreaming, was I? He was really there. Shit, seeing him again made my emotions fly off in all directions. My legs were shaky all of a sudden, and I couldn’t really find my voice.

  He stepped into the house and closed the door behind him. “I went by the ER and Toni said it was your night off. Kevin’s not here, is he?” he asked, looking past me down the hallway.

  I shook my head. I hadn’t seen Kevin in days, not since the night at The Keep, not since I told him I really couldn’t see him anymore. “What are you doing here?”

  “Winning you back. Whatever I have to do.”

  Winning me back? I didn’t even know what he meant by that. I shook my head again. “I mean, you left. You went with Hayley Byrne and—”

  “One of the biggest mistakes of my life,” he said, those blue eyes of his focused so intently on me, he nearly robbed me of my breath. “But the biggest, the biggest mistake, Leah, was not realizing that I had everything I ever really wanted in life with you.”

  I couldn’t believe he was there. I couldn’t believe he was standing in my foyer. And I couldn’t believe what he was saying.

  “I love you, Leah,” he added softly. “I love you more than anything in the world. And if you still love me…”

  I threw my arms around his neck and buried my head against his chest, even though I knew I should guard my heart better, especially with him. “I can’t stop loving you,” I admitted, because it was the truth, no matter how much I’d tried the last several weeks. I did still love him and I was pretty sure I always would.

  Brody’s arms wrapped around me, holding me tight, and he pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “Then I’m really hoping you’ll marry me, Leah. Because I don’t think I can live without you anymore.”

  Marry him? Was he serious? I pressed my hands against his chest, to push back from him and see his face better. �
��What?”

  He smiled down at me with that charming grin of his, the one meant to disarm any unprepared girl. And right then, I wasn’t very prepared. Marriage? Was he serious? We barely had our shit together as it was. And he wanted to get married?

  “Let’s go to my room,” I suggested. When his smiled turned more seductive than charming, I added, “To talk.”

  “Yeah, lead the way.” He nodded.

  I started back up the stairs, but I could hardly think straight. Brody was back. He still loved me. He wanted to get married. How was any of that going to work? We hadn’t made our relationship work so far. We lived in two different worlds.

  I closed the door behind us as Brody dropped onto my bed, patting the place beside him for me to sit. “I can’t say I’m sorry I left, Leah. I think I had to go. It was the only way for me to figure out what I really want.”

  “And you want me?” I sat beside him, tucking one leg under me so I could turn and face him better.

  “I always wanted you. I just wanted everything else too. You, a big name, adoring fans, to be hugely successful and stick it to my father…” He shrugged. “But the only one of those things that really means anything to me is you.”

  I swear my heart expanded at that. Maybe I’d been wrong. Maybe I could give a little too. “I don’t want to stand in the way of your dreams, Brody,” I said, glad my voice didn’t crack. “You know, maybe we can find a way to make the tour thing work for us.”

  But he shook his head. “You’re not standing in the way of my dreams, Leah. You are my dream. Nothing is worth anything without you.”

  I was a giant baby. I started to cry and I couldn’t even help it.

  “Hey, hey, hey,” he soothed, brushing the pad of his thumbs across my cheeks to swipe away my tears. “Don’t cry, babe. I’m sorry.”

  But there was nothing for him to be sorry for. That was the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me.

  “What happened?” I asked.

  He shrugged. “Sometimes you don’t realize the dream you’re living is better than anything else in the world until you lose it. And I don’t want to lose you, Leah. I really do want you now and always.” He scrubbed a hand across his face. “I’m still gonna graduate in a month. And I know you can’t leave until you finish school. But I think I’ve got it all worked out.”