Striving for Normal (Striving Series)

by Mooney, B. L.

  “Was he perfect?”

  I looked at Joseph. “I don’t think there was anything wrong with his, um, technique. I think Craig made it up to get me to agree to it.”

  “How do you feel about that?”

  “Used. Dirty. Worthless.” I put my shaky hands under my legs. “I don’t understand how I could have let him do that to me. If I loved him, I could have possibly understood. I didn’t love him, though, and I let him treat me like trash.” I shook my head.

  “At the time, did you think you loved him?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t ever remember looking at him and thinking ‘love.’”

  “What did you think?”

  “I guess I just wanted to feel good, and he always made me feel good. Well, at least for the moment.”

  “So he was like a drug to you—something that made you feel good and that got you out of your life. You would go back for another hit, if you will, and everything would seem fine in that moment, but once it wore off, you hated it. Yet you couldn’t stop going back time after time.”

  “I suppose that’s right.”

  “What else was going on that you didn’t feel good about? What did you need him to numb?”

  I sat back and crossed my arms. I never thought about it that way before. There were a lot of things that were going on at that time. My mother had remarried and no longer had time for me. She was too busy playing the dutiful wife and new mother to his children. School was extremely stressful, and the pressure to keep my grades up for the scholarship was mounting. I wasn’t studying as much as I should have been.

  “Drew?”

  “You’ve made your point and I agree. I was addicted to him or at least what he could do. We’ve already talked about everything that made me easy for him to control.” I stood up.

  “You’re upset.” Joseph sounded concerned.

  “No, I’m really not.” I looked at the clock. “Okay, maybe I am a little. What’s going to prevent me from becoming someone else’s punching bag? There are always going to be things that I’m dealing with. It’s part of life. I get that, but I won’t make it through another guy pulling me under his spell and using me as Craig did. If I’m an addict,” I sighed, “I should just give up men and forget my happily ever after.”

  “I’m not saying that at all, Drew. I’m saying we need to work on you making you feel good so you don’t have to look for that outside source anymore. Once you start finding ways to make yourself happy, you won’t be so dependent on others to do it for you.”

  “Okay. Look, the time is almost up anyway. Can we just table this so I can think about it a little?” I put my hand on the doorknob. “I’ll talk more about it next week.”

  “Sure, Drew.”

  I opened up the door and started to leave, but shut it again really quickly. “This can’t be happening.”

  “Drew? What is it?” Joseph had started to close my file to get ready for his next patient. He didn’t know I knew the next patient.

  “I can’t go out there.” I turned to Joseph. “Do you have another exit? I can’t go out there.”

  Joseph looked down at his calendar and inhaled sharply. “I’m sorry, Drew. I normally look at my calendar better, but it was a last minute reschedule. I’ll make sure this doesn’t happen again.”

  “You knew who I was talking about the entire time?” Now I was upset. How could he let me talk about Carl and what he makes me feel and not tell me that Carl is a patient.

  “Drew, just as I can’t tell anyone that you are my patient, I can’t tell you about my other patients.”

  “You know how he makes me feel. You know I don’t know if I should stay away from him or run to him whenever I see him. I’ve asked you what I should do!”

  “Drew, please lower your voice.”

  “Do I need to find another person to talk to now?” I started crying. “I can’t go over all of this shit again. I just can’t.”

  “There’s no need for us to stop our sessions because you think you know a client of mine.”

  “I think I know? He’s in your fucking lobby!” I pointed to the lobby.

  “Is he all you saw out there?”

  “What?” I thought back to what Carl was doing when I opened the door. It looked as if he were reading a book. Amy was sitting next to him. “Oh. Amy’s the patient?”

  “I can’t say, but I would never betray our confidences. To prove that, I will take you out through my private entrance so you can avoid them, and they’ll never know you were here.”

  Joseph ushered me out to his staff-only elevator. He assured me that everything was okay and that my reaction was normal. I still apologized and felt badly for thinking he was keeping something from me. He kind of was, but he was only doing his job.

  The next day I decided to approach Amy to see if she had seen me when I opened the door at Joseph’s. I waited until she was alone to approach her. I didn’t need the center knowing what my Thursday afternoon appointments were.

  “Hi, Amy.” I sat down next to her. “That’s a very pretty picture.”

  “Thank you. I want to make it pretty for Daddy. He’s sad.”

  “Yes, I’m sure you both are at times.” I started rubbing her back. It didn’t seem that she saw me at all, and since Joseph promised to be more careful with the scheduling, I hoped she never would see me there.

  “I like it when you do that?”

  “Do what, sweetheart?”

  “Rub my back. My mom used to do that.”

  I suddenly realized how I helped her. It was an unconscious act on my part. I just sensed she needed a little more attention, and that was the easiest way for me to give it to her. I continued to rub circles on her back for a few more minutes while I watched her draw her picture.

  “I need to go to the other room now. Are you okay in here with your pretty picture?”

  “Yes.” She smiled up at me. “I think my daddy was wrong. You are a princess.”

  I was just finishing up in the baby room putting all the supplies away when I noticed Amy was still there. If her aunt was picking her up, she would’ve been already. I knew Carl would be coming. I tried to put away things quicker and kept looking at Peggy to see if I could leave a few minutes early, but she was still talking to parents who would come and go.

  I was just about to close the closet door, and I felt his presence more than I saw or heard him. I wished I hadn’t put things away so quickly. I pretended to tidy up the closet. It really did need to be reorganized since I kind of threw things in there trying to get out quickly.

  “Why is it I always find you alone in a room when I come here?”

  “And why is it you come to see me first before talking to your daughter?” I turned to face him.

  “I appreciate your concern, but Amy wants me to be nice to you, so I am doing this for Amy’s sake.” He stepped closer.

  “Carl.”

  “I like it when you say my name.” He stopped a few inches from me. “I would like to hear you say my name in other ways, too.” He leaned forward and smelled my hair. “I’ve missed your scent since the night we danced.”

  “I’ve got to . . .” I started to walk away, but he held my elbow.

  Looking around the nursery, he smiled. “This room suits you. You should be surrounded by babies.” Carl pulled me closer and whispered, “But babies of your own. Would you like that?”

  ~*~

  “I told you I don’t want any fucking brats! How could you do this to me?” Craig was furious. I knew he wouldn’t be happy. I knew we would fight, but I didn’t expect the fury that was unleashed when I told him I was pregnant.

  “Craig, please calm down.” I jumped when he slammed his fists on the table in front of me. “You’re scaring me.”

  “I should have scared you a long time ago!” Craig started pacing again.

  “I told you to get condoms. I told you the pill was affected by the antibiotic.”

  Craig ran across the room and lifted me off the
chair. “So this is my fucking fault? You’re blaming me?”

  He dropped me back on the chair and it tipped over. “Damn it, Craig! Calm down.”

  I tried to get up but he pushed me back down by my shoulders. “You want me to calm down?” He stood in front of me and unfastened his pants. “You pissed me off; you can calm me down.”

  ~*~

  “Drew.” Carl led me to the rocking chair and sat me down. “What did I say?”

  I couldn’t catch my breath. I leaned forward to put my head between my knees, but still couldn’t catch my breath. Carl kneeled down in front of me and tried to get me to talk. I just couldn’t.

  “Daddy!” Amy saw that I was upset and immediately blamed her father. “What did you do?” She shoved him out of the way, and he fell back. She started rubbing my back the same way I had rubbed hers earlier. “This is how you do it, Daddy.” Amy looked at him. “This is how Mommy used to do it.”

  Carl sat on the floor in his designer suit and watched as his four-year-old daughter calmed me down. Once I was able to catch my breath, I sat up and thanked Amy. I glanced at Carl, and he looked worried, but I could tell he didn’t want Amy to catch on.

  “Amy, run and get your things so we can go home. Okay?”

  “Okay, but you need to be nice to her. You promised.” We both watched Amy leave the room.

  The second she was gone, Carl looked at me. “What happened? What did I say?”

  “It’s nothing. Please don’t worry about it.” I stood and faltered a little. Carl was on his feet in no time to steady me. “Thank you. Please go home with Amy.” I turned to finish the closet.

  “Come home with us.”

  I turned to him. “What? You can’t be serious.”

  “I am. Amy obviously loves you. Come have dinner with us so she knows you’re okay. So we both know.”

  Amy chose that moment to come in. “Yes! Come to my house for dinner. I can show you my room.”

  “Amy, I would love to, but I really should get home.”

  “Come on, please.” Amy took my hand and started swinging it. “Please come to my house.”

  I looked at Carl, and he had the biggest grin on his face. He knew I couldn’t get out of it, and he was using his daughter again to get me to his house. I looked back down at Amy. “Let me make a phone call first, but no promises.”

  Terri wasn’t pleased to hear I decided to have dinner with Carl again. She was even less thrilled when I said it was because of Amy again. I told her I would explain everything later, and I promised to be home to talk before we each had to go to bed.

  I followed Carl out to his house with Amy in my backseat. It was strange having a car seat in my car. I never thought I would have one, and that night I suddenly found myself with a car seat fully equipped with a chatty four-year-old girl. We talked about our favorite princesses and which ones we would like to meet someday. I’d have loved to hear how Carl would have handled that topic.

  Dinner wasn’t as fancy as it was the first time I was there. Somehow that made it a little bit better. I didn’t need fancy to have a good time. After dinner, I played with Amy in her room for a little while until it was time for her to go to bed. She asked if I would tuck her in, and it almost made me cry, but I held on. I should’ve been tucking my own little girl in instead of someone else’s.

  As I slowly walked back downstairs to Carl, I could hear the soft music that was playing the night we danced. I smiled. I turned the corner, and he grabbed me before I could protest. He spun me around and it made me laugh.

  “I like hearing you laugh. It does things to me.” He started kissing my neck.

  I pushed back a little. “Carl, I’ve told you I’m dating someone. Please stop.”

  “He’s still not a boyfriend, huh? Well, until you tell me that you’re taken, I won’t stop.” He started kissing my neck again. “And I don’t think you want me to, either.”

  Carl was right. He did things to me, too. I moved my head to the side to allow him easier access and pressed my body against his. Before I knew it, he danced me over to the sofa and laid me down.

  “Carl.” It was a breathless plea.

  “There’s another way I like hearing you say my name. Let’s see how many different ways I can get you to say it tonight.” His hands grabbed the hem of my shirt and pushed it up.

  I felt something on my hip, and it took me a minute to realize it was my phone vibrating. “Carl, stop.” I took my phone out of my pocket and sighed before answering. “Hi, Terri.” I cleared my throat. “I’m leaving now.”

  I put my phone in my pocket and looked at Carl until he let me up. “I really don’t like your friends.”

  “That’s a shame.” I sat up and straightened my shirt. “I think anyone that wants to be my friend should like the people who are trying to protect me.”

  “I can protect you.” Carl held my face and kissed me in a way that I hadn’t been kissed since Craig. It was a passionate, fire-breathing kiss, which was also very possessive, and that scared me. I shoved him.

  “You are who they are trying to protect me from.” I stood up and grabbed my purse right before he spun me around to kiss me again. I wanted him to stop, but needed him to continue. It scared me how much I wanted him. I remembered Joseph saying I needed to find my own ways of making me feel good instead of finding it from others in more dangerous ways.

  I shoved him twice before he finally stopped. “You are so beautiful when you’re aroused.” He slid a finger down my cheek.

  “I’ve got to go.” I turned with my purse and keys in hand and walked out without looking back. I knew if I looked back I would have stayed and I would have regretted it the next day.

  ~*~

  Terri got up the second I walked in. “I’m going to bed.”

  “What? I came home so we could talk and now you want to go to bed.”

  She pointed at my neck. “If you want to talk about what I think you’re going to talk about, then I’m going to bed. I don’t want to hear it.”

  I went over to the mirror and saw the two marks Carl put on my neck. “Damn.”

  “That’s all you’ve got to say? You have a great guy waiting very patiently for you while you’re off with the next possible disaster and all you can say is damn! I really wish we came up with that code word because I would be saying it a hundred times right now.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means that Carl is a substitute Craig.” She pointed her finger at me. “And you know it.”

  I sat on the sofa and put my face in my hands. “I know. I know. I just couldn’t disappoint Amy.”

  “You’ve got to stop giving in to her and her father.” Terri sat next to me. “It’s not healthy for Amy to get attached to you. Not after her mother died.”

  “Again, I know.” I sat up and looked at Terri. “I had an episode and she saw it, I think.”

  “What do you mean—episode?” Terri looked concerned.

  “I was cleaning up the nursery when Carl came in and he said the room suited me.” I started crying. “He said that I should be surrounded by babies. I got caught in the memory of telling Craig I was pregnant, and I lost it.”

  “And Amy saw that.” Terri wrapped her arm around me. “Okay, but why did you have to go home with them?”

  “Carl offered dinner as a way of apologizing for upsetting me.” I looked at Terri. “Amy had told him to be nice to me and he upset me.”

  Terri sat still thinking for a while. “Okay. I understand the dilemma tonight, but you really need to distance yourself. It isn’t fair to Amy to lose another woman so soon after her mom. You can’t let her get attached.” Terri tilted my head to make me look at her. “I don’t want you to get too attached, either.” I nodded. She touched my neck and laughed. “It’s a good thing for you it’s turtleneck season.”

  ~*~

  Dennis had taken me out for a picnic at the park. It was an unusually warm day for fall, and he wanted to take advantage of it. I lo
ved the small intimate gestures he gave me. I loved lying on the blanket with him watching the world go by. That time, though, we were watching the clouds roll in.

  I looked up at him. “Did you say it was supposed to rain tomorrow and not today?”

  He looked up at the sky. “That’s what they say, but it kind of looks as if it might rain a little earlier than predicted.” He looked back down at me and kissed my nose. I loved that. “I think we’re still good for a while.”

  “Good.” I snuggled deeper into him, and I must have drifted off to sleep. I woke up when the second raindrop hit my cheek. It instantly became a downpour, and I jumped up. We quickly packed up and ran to Dennis’s house just a few blocks away. We thought the walk would be nice, but I soon wished we had driven. I was soaked.

  We ran up the steps to his covered porch, laughing as we took cover. I looked behind me at the rain coming down as Dennis quickly unlocked his front door. Just a quick run to the car would soak anyone, so I could only imagine what we looked like. All of my clothes felt as if they weighed ten pounds each. I shook my head and started laughing again. Dennis turned and smiled, ushering me into his home.

  It always amazed me how neat his home was. He didn’t have an entryway like Terri and Mark. There was just a coat rack, a small table for his keys and mail, and a small closet. What I wasn’t surprised about was the empty wall space he had on the way down to the living room and kitchen. I kept threatening to fill it with pictures of kittens since he needed to hang something up. He didn’t seem too threatened. Maybe I should’ve threatened to use pictures of male models.

  The kitchen was on the left and looked tiny with the huge island he had in there. I wanted to ask him if he put that in or if it was here before him. It looked as if they had to build the house around it. Dennis said he loved it since it can act as his dining room table. I’m sure that’s fine for a bachelor, but a family doesn’t want to sit around that every day.

  The bathroom and his bedroom were at the end of the picture-less hall. I’d always wanted to see in his bedroom, but the door was shut every time I made my way to the bathroom. I just knew it had to be a mess. No bachelor was that clean. I understood that he didn’t have kids like Terri and Mark, so toys wouldn’t be all over, but where were the food cartons and beer cans? It was just more proof he was too perfect for me.