“Isaac, if you could help me out for a little while, I’d be really grateful,” Nolan said. “I know it’s a lot to ask—”
“You didn’t ask, I offered,” I reminded him. I knew what I was doing was stupid, considering the lies this man and his boyfriend had told me, but unlike with Maddox, I didn’t get the sense he was being disingenuous. And the reality was, he needed help. “Let’s get to work,” I said. “The sooner we get done, the closer some of your animals are to finding their forever homes.”
Nolan nodded and returned to the cabinet to search through it. I turned to check in on Newt to tell him the plan, but he was deep in conversation with the woman discussing why three kittens was even better than two, so I left him to it. I rifled around the desk for a legal pad and pen, then began working my way through the small crowd of people inside the office. It was a good two hours before the crowd dissipated.
Darkness was just starting to fall when I looked up from where I’d been entering the names of potential adopters into a spreadsheet on the computer so their information would be easier to sort through when the time came. My eyes fell on Dallas and Nolan who were standing just outside the office door. They had their arms around each other and were just holding onto one another. I glanced over at Newt, who’d fallen asleep against Loki’s side. The kittens were tucked up against Newt’s little body.
It wasn’t until Nolan softly called my name that I realized I’d been lost in a daydream about how badly I wanted every day to be like this for Newt. Where it wasn’t about anything but him just being a kid.
I startled, then shook my head and said, “Sorry.” Dallas and Nolan both smiled in understanding. My eyes dropped to Dallas’s hand. His nails were painted neon green with little globs of pink all over them, which probably were supposed to have been polka dots.
It was on the tip of my tongue to lay into both men about lying about my car, but when Dallas handed me his phone so I could read his message, I merely said, “Sure, you can talk to me about something,” and handed it back to him.
It was Nolan who outlined their idea, and admittedly, the job offer caught me off guard. While my plan had been to help them for the day, what they were offering was something more long-term. Nolan made it clear it could be for as long or as short as I wanted, and while I knew there was no way I could accept, I found myself wondering what it would be like if I could. I had no doubt the job offer was made out of pity and in an attempt to get me to stick around for a bit, since both men seemed to have the same thoughts as Maddox–that Newt and I were in trouble and needed help.
They weren’t wrong about the first part, but I had no interest in the second part. And since Nolan knew I was an escort and had likely told Dallas as much, I suspected the money they were offering, which was overly generous, had a lot to do with them not wanting me to be forced to sell my body. When I’d been talking to Nolan the night I’d arrived about the fact that I was an escort and not a prostitute–a point of difference that really didn’t exist, especially not when it came to me–I knew I hadn’t been fooling him, despite my supposed lack of shame about the matter. But while my pride was telling me to reject the offer, the mere thought of how close I was to needing to find some more clients like the john with the lipstick was making me ill.
“Can I think about it?” I finally asked.
“Of course,” Nolan said. There was an awkward silence between us, then Dallas stepped over the barrier and began picking up the kittens and handing them to Nolan, presumably so the pair could take them back down to the building they lived in. “Do you need help with him?” Nolan asked as he motioned to Newt.
“No,” I said. “I’ve got him.”
I watched as Dallas collected the last kitten. Before he straightened, I watched him run his fingers gently over Newt’s temple. Both men stared at my brother for a moment before Dallas stepped back over the barrier. They headed for the door, but Dallas suddenly stopped and turned to face me. His hands were full of kittens so he maneuvered them so they were tucked against his chest, then looked pointedly at Nolan and made a motion with his hand. I didn’t get what he meant but Nolan seemed to because he said to me, “He’ll look at your car in a bit. We just need to feed the animals first.” Nolan hesitated, then said, “But you know you’re more than welcome to stay another night, right? It’s supposed to get really cold tonight.”
The reminder about my car should have angered me, but surprisingly it didn’t.
I didn’t really know why.
I glanced at Newt. Another night in a warm bed wouldn’t hurt. “Thank you, we’d appreciate that. And tomorrow is fine for my car.”
Both men seemed relieved and quickly said their goodbyes. I finished what I was doing and saved the file on the computer, then got up and went to collect Newt. He barely stirred when I picked him up. Loki licked my face when I bent down to lift Newt and I couldn’t help but smile.
“Loki,” Newt murmured as I lifted him.
“He’s here, buddy,” I said.
The wolf hybrid jumped up to follow us. I stopped at Dallas’s truck long enough to grab the lunch bag I’d left tucked behind the front seat and then carried Newt along the path toward the house. His mouth was pressed up against my neck and his little arms were wrapped around me super tight.
“Isaac,” he said softly, still half asleep.
“Yeah, buddy?”
“I miss Mommy.”
It wasn’t unusual for Newt to mention our mom out of the blue like that, but it still killed me every time he did it.
“I know you do, buddy. Me too.”
“Isaac?”
“Yeah?”
“You think she’s lonely in heaven?”
“No, I think she’s got lots of friends with her.”
“Animals too?”
“Definitely animals,” I said. “And plants and bugs and rainbows.”
“And angels?”
“Lots of angels.”
He sighed, and I’d thought he’d fallen back asleep at first.
“Isaac?”
“Yeah?”
“Can we stay here till we gotta get lost again? It’s nice here.”
“It is?” I asked.
“Uh-huh.”
“Don’t you want to go see New York? Check out the Statue of Liberty? Climb up to the top of the tallest buildings so you can see if you can touch the sun?”
He was quiet for a moment. “Can Nolan and Dallas and Loki and Gentry and Mad come?”
“You want all of them to come? Even mad Mad?” I asked as nerves skittered through my belly at the mere thought of Maddox.
Newt nodded against my neck. “I think he’s family.”
“You mean part of Dallas’s family?” I asked. “He is. He’s Dallas’s brother.”
“Like you and me are brothers?”
“Exactly,” I said.
“Then yeah, he’s gotta come. He’s family, even if he’s mad. ’Cause he’s not mean, right?”
I heard the fear in Newt’s voice and I knew the cause of it. “No, buddy, he’s not mean. None of them are mean.”
“Like him,” Newt whispered, his voice so low I barely heard it.
“Right, not like him,” I reassured him. “And remember what I said about him?”
“He can’t find us when we’re lost.”
“Right,” I agreed and hugged him tighter.
Newt sighed after a moment and his head lolled against my neck, proof he was drifting off again. “If Loki and Dallas and Nolan and Gentry and Mad get lost with us, can they be our family?” he asked tiredly.
I felt a new round of tears threaten at his faint question. If only life worked like that. I didn’t answer him and he didn’t seem to be expecting me to. But just as I reached the house, I slowed, then stopped. I dropped my cheek to the top of his head.
“Newt,” I whispered.
He made an unintelligible sound, so I wasn’t sure if he was actually awake or not.
“Newt, do you want
to stay here for a while? With Loki and Dallas and Nolan and Gentry and Mad?”
He didn’t answer, and I wasn’t sure if I was happy or sad about that. But just as I reached the steps that led up to the door, Newt’s lips moved against my neck. I couldn’t actually hear his answer, but it didn’t matter because the nod against my neck was answer enough.
“Okay, buddy,” I said as I pressed another kiss to the top of his head. “We’ll stay.” A mix of fear and relief went through me and I instinctively qualified my answer so I wouldn’t let myself be too overly comfortable with it, because that would be a very dangerous thing indeed.
So I added “for now” and waited for the nerves in my belly to ease.
But they didn’t… and I didn’t know if that was a good thing or not.
My gut was telling me it was probably a good thing. Because being relaxed meant making mistakes.
And I couldn’t afford to make any mistakes.
Not again.
Because I wouldn’t be the only one who paid for them.
Chapter Seven
Maddox
I’d made him cry.
I’d humiliated him, confused him, and then made him cry.
I downed another swallow of whiskey from the bottle in my hand before refilling my glass and setting the bottle by my feet, and I waited for the warm liquid to take away the pain I’d seen in Isaac’s eyes.
He was a prostitute.
He let men use his body for money.
What if that was only who he used to be? What if my actions had forced him to go back to that life? Fuck, why hadn’t I just talked to Dallas or Nolan about my suspicions that Isaac and Newt were in trouble and let them handle it? Surely, they could have found a way to help the young man without putting him in a position where he had to let random guys fuck him for cash.
The liquor soured in my belly and I fought the urge to throw up. I dropped my head back against the seat cushion of the armchair I was sitting in. My head hurt, but I knew the knocking sound I was hearing wasn’t from the throbbing in my brain.
I didn’t bother getting up because I knew Dallas would find me pretty easily. Despite the size of the sprawling mansion, I heard footsteps closing in on my location within a minute. Of course, I’d made it pretty easy by choosing only one section of the house to call home. I hadn’t even bothered with turning on the heat for the huge house. The massive fireplace in the living room was enough to keep me warm.
God, my brother looked good. Tired, but good. The last time it’d been just me and him, he’d been in the hospital, his body battered and broken and lifeless. I could tell he still suffered some lingering issues from the accident besides his voice, because he walked with a slight limp. But otherwise he looked strong and healthy. I couldn’t wait to hear him talk again. Even if it wasn’t his old voice, maybe just hearing him talk would let me pretend the events of ten years ago hadn’t happened.
Yeah, right.
Even if I could have sold myself on that story, I’d have to be sticking around in order to hear him talk and that just wasn’t going to happen. I needed to get the fuck out of Pelican Bay.
Dallas’s eyes met mine briefly before he studied the area around the fireplace. My sleeping bag in front of it, all the cloth-draped furnishings moved to the far walls of the room, and the various empty bottles of liquor on the floor near my bedroll.
“Took you long enough, little brother,” I said softly.
He came around to face me and handed me his phone. There was a message already typed out on it so instead of taking it from him, I just leaned forward and read it.
Thank you for what you did for Loki… for me.
“Don’t thank me,” I said as I leaned back in the chair. “All I did was tell the truth. It was long overdue.”
I knew the conversation wasn’t over, so I let my eyes drift to the roaring fire as Dallas typed. It just hurt too much to look at him. I wondered when I’d become that guy. The one who acted before thinking. The one who preferred action to logic.
As a kid, I’d used reason to approach difficult things. But somewhere along the line reason hadn’t had the answers I’d wanted. Like there’d been no logical reason our parents would spend their days playing the role of bible-loving, morally perfect community leaders and their nights losing themselves in the lure of alcohol and drugs. No amount of reasoning had changed their behavior, so Dallas and I had been forced to adapt to it.
Like with the sparkplugs.
That change had carried through to the army, but fortunately my instincts had still been my strongest ally in those situations. But with Dallas and Isaac, I’d leapt to conclusions which’d had ugly consequences.
What do you want from me?
I read Dallas’s message and felt something inside of me tear open. A million answers came to mind, but they were selfish ones and pretty much all ran along the lines of, I want you back.
But I didn’t say that.
Instead, I said, “I want you to have the life you should have had ten years ago. I want to go back to that moment and do what I should have done.”
What should you have done?
“Told you how fucking glad I was that I hadn’t lost you too,” I said. I managed to quell the pain until my insides felt numb and empty. I just needed to make it a little longer and Dallas would leave, and I could lose myself in a bottle. Tomorrow I’d get on the road again and head for Oklahoma. The idea of getting on a crowded bus threatened to have all the alcohol I’d consumed come back up, so I drew in a breath and reminded myself that I had two perfectly good legs that could get me to Oklahoma. Yeah, it’d take a hell of a lot longer and be cold as hell, but that was actually a good thing.
“Did the kid and his brother leave?” I asked. I knew Isaac technically wasn’t a kid, but he had one of those faces that could pass for a teenager’s.
Except the eyes.
He had old eyes.
Like he’d seen too much already in his young life. I’d seen more than my share of eyes like that in the military.
No, he’s working at the center for a little while. Nice trick with his car.
I nearly threw up right then and there, but I managed to keep my emotions buried. I had a strong feeling that for whatever reason, Isaac hadn’t laid into my brother about the car, or surely Dallas would have said something by now. And if the young man was working at the sanctuary…
“Little fool doesn’t know what’s good for him,” I said with a dismissive wave of my hand like I didn’t care what Isaac did or didn’t do. But inside, my nerves were skittering all over the place. If he’d taken a job with Dallas, did that mean he was staying for a while? Had he told Dallas and Nolan what kind of trouble he was dealing with? Would he be able to earn enough money so he’d never have to let a sick fuck like Tomlinson touch him again?
Dallas handing me his phone was a good distraction from my thoughts.
What happened to you the night of the meeting, Maddox?
“I would have thought it would be obvious to you,” I said. It’d been two nights since the meeting, but it felt like it’d just happened. Of course, most nights were like that if I didn’t have the buzz of alcohol to stave off the nightmares.
PTSD?
I searched out my glass of whiskey and downed what remained in the glass. “Textbook case,” I said as I turned my attention toward the fire. God, there’d been fire everywhere that day. “Roadside bomb in Mosul. Overturned Humvee, heavy fire, six of my men killed instantly. Three more didn’t last long enough to be evac’d. One guy got out besides me. I’m fucked up in the head, he’s got no legs. Purple Heart medals for both of us. Textbook,” I said bitterly.
Is that why you don’t drive?
I couldn’t help but look at him in surprise. “How did you know?”
Just a guess. What are your plans?
I needed to tell him I was heading out the next day, but for some reason, the words got caught in my throat. He caught me off guard when he lowered himsel
f to the floor.
I’d like to tell you about my plans. But I want to start by telling you something that someone I love very much and who I once hurt very badly told me not long ago.
I read the message and nodded. It didn’t take a genius to know he was talking about Nolan. Even without saying the man’s name, he positively shone when he mentioned the person he loved so very much. I used the several minutes it took him to type out his message to study him. Dallas had always been so different from me. Much more easygoing but driven as hell. But he’d also had a harder time with the demands our parents had put on both of us to be perfect–to always present that perfect outer image.
It’d been especially tough after he’d realized he was gay. I’d noticed a change in his behavior early on when he was around fourteen–he’d stopped talking to me and he’d almost seemed afraid to even be in the same room with me. There’d always been this odd look of a mix between fear and need in his expression whenever he looked at me. I’d finally managed to pry the truth out of him one day when he’d been fifteen and I’d been nineteen. He’d been so certain I’d turn away from him when he’d told me he was gay when, in truth, it hadn’t bothered me in the least. But I’d been heartbroken that there’d been enough of a fissure in our relationship for him to even think I’d abandon him because of something like that. It’d taken months to prove that I loved him no matter what and that, unlike our parents, he hadn’t needed to buy my love by being some perfect version of himself.
Of course, he had eventually accepted that I’d always have his back and I loved him unconditionally.
But like everyone else in his life, I hadn’t kept my promise to him. My love hadn’t been unconditional. I’d chosen a vow we’d made to one another over everything else. Even if Dallas had done what my father had said and betrayed me by driving drunk, it hadn’t warranted my response. Yes, I would have had the right to be angry, but I should have made it clear I hated the crime, not the man.
Because just like I’d promised him that day as he’d wept in my arms and told me that he liked boys instead of girls, I’d never stopped loving my brother. But I may as well have. The things I’d said and done were crueler even than what our father had done to him.
Sanctuary Found_Pelican Bay [Book 2] Page 9
