I let my eyes linger over Dallas as he typed easily into the phone. I missed his voice. But I liked seeing how expressive his eyes were as he typed. I saw lots of the little things I’d never really appreciated when he’d been able to speak.
After a few minutes, Dallas handed me the phone and I tried to mentally prepare myself for the words of anger and hate I so deserved.
But I realized pretty quickly that wasn’t the intent of his message.
We’re not the same people we were back then, Maddox. And I believe that if you could change things, you would. I would, too. I would have told you the truth then and there, and I would have made sure you believed me instead of letting you walk away. Because you were the most important person in my life. But I chose to let you believe a lie because inside I was still that little kid who wanted to please his parents. It was a lot easier to live that lie than accept the truth. My hope is that you don’t do what I did and start to believe that you deserved what happened to you. My hope is that you don’t relive that day and wonder if there was something you could have or should have done differently. My hope is that you will accept that I forgive you for the things you said and did back then. My hope is that we can one day be brothers again. My hope is that you forgive yourself because I really want back the person who’s always had my back.
Emotion clogged my throat as I kept waiting for the hatred to shine through, but it wasn’t there. I found myself nodding along with the line he said about how much easier it was to live with a lie than accept the truth. But when I got to the part where he said he wanted me to accept that he’d forgiven me and wanted to be brothers again, I felt the tears stinging the backs of my eyes and I automatically wiped at them.
When I was finished, I read the damn thing a second time, just to make sure I hadn’t been reading things that weren’t there. It was just too good to be true. It was like those rare moments in my nightmares where I’d be waking up to the sound of explosions with pain searing my body. I’d hear the pounding over and over, but when I crawled around the overturned Humvee, Jett wasn’t lying pinned beneath the vehicle and calling my name as he pounded the butt of his machine gun on the vehicle to get my attention. He was simply standing on his own two legs, impatiently tapping the roof of the vehicle as he told me to get a move on because we were headed home. Our entire unit was standing behind him agreeing with him.
In my weakest moments, I craved those rare altered memories more than I wanted to admit. But they were few and far between and were starting to become more and more unbearable than the actual memory, because they left me with this god-awful hope that scared the hell out of me.
The same hope I was feeling now as Dallas extended a metaphorical hand to me.
I couldn’t take it, though.
Because I didn’t deserve it.
I couldn’t let him come to see me as the big brother he needed when I wasn’t even close to being that anymore. He needed someone strong to always have his back, but I’d barely managed to make it through that town hall meeting in one piece. He’d have been horrified if I’d lost control and destroyed that room like I’d destroyed the wing of the military hospital in Germany when I’d learned that Jett had tried to take his own life not one day after his legs had been amputated below the knee.
He was asking for a brother back who no longer existed.
Dallas suddenly began to stand, and I realized it was because I’d been quiet for too long. I reached out to grab his arm before he could get up. As badly as I should let him go, I couldn’t. But I didn’t want to admit why, especially to him. I barely wanted to admit it to myself. He might want his brother back, but what if I was the one who needed mine back? What if Dallas was the one thing that could keep me from going down that rabbit hole of self-destruction that always seemed to be on the edge of my mind, along with the screams and pleas of my dying comrades?
“You said you wanted to tell me about your plans,” I said.
Dallas relaxed and settled back onto the floor.
He typed another message to me, which caught me almost as off guard as the previous one.
Do you need a job?
It was just after eight in the morning when I cut across the back part of the sanctuary’s property. It’d been just over twelve hours since I’d seen Dallas and accepted his offer to continue to help around the sanctuary. We’d argued briefly about the money part of the job, but I’d found a quick way to end the discussion when I’d told him what to do with my earnings. He’d undoubtedly been surprised by the request but hadn’t argued. After all, he knew I didn’t need the money. I’d barely touched my half of the inheritance in the years I’d been in the military. I’d tried giving some of it to Jett, but that hadn’t gone over well, and when I’d nearly lost him over the issue, I’d been forced to let it go.
So technically, I was a very rich man.
But hell if the idea of slogging through knee-deep snow and bone-chilling temperatures for several hours to get to a job where I cleaned up animal shit and fixed broken fencing didn’t sound like the best damn thing in the world.
My body felt comfortably loose and warmed up despite the cold as I made my way past the dog enclosure and along the path between the livestock area and the bear enclosure. I could hear music playing and knew it was likely Nolan playing his early morning serenade for Gentry, the tormented bear. But the beautiful strings piece was just ending, and I was sorry I’d missed it. My plan was to head to the office to check in with Dallas, but I stopped when I heard the music start up again.
It took me a moment to realize what the song was, and I had no doubt it wasn’t Nolan who was playing it.
I turned to go down the little path that led to Gentry’s enclosure and came to a stop when I saw a slim body standing at the end of the path.
Isaac.
His back was to me, so I had a second to take him fully in. He was wearing the same black skinny jeans he seemed to favor. A heavy twill coat was settled on his shoulders. It looked too big for him, so I figured it was probably Dallas’s.
Meaning whatever jacket Isaac owned, if he even owned one, was too thin for the elements.
His hands were tucked into his pockets. He wasn’t wearing a hat, so I could see his black-blue hair catching the glint of the early morning sun. Every once in a while, he’d lift a hand to brush his hair out of his face. My eyes caught on the large gauges in his ears. God, he was such an odd individual. I’d seen people like him from afar, but up close, all the things about him that should have weirded me out just… worked.
And why was that even a thing for me?
That they worked?
Why was I even noticing something like that?
My thoughts drifted to that moment in the motel when I’d ordered him to put on the lip gloss. I’d tried to tell myself it was just to take the attention away from the remnants of the red lipstick that had lingered on his skin, but it was utter bullshit. I’d managed to get rid of all the hated red. I’d just wanted to… fuck, I didn’t know what I’d wanted.
I wasn’t gay.
I knew that.
I wasn’t bi either. Jett had kissed me once when we were cadets at West Point. We’d been on break and had gone to a bar for his twenty-first birthday. He’d gotten pretty hammered and before I’d even realized it, he’d called me hot and then he’d kissed me.
I’d actually kissed him back for a few seconds, but I hadn’t felt anything in particular. It’d been fine, but there’d been no sparks, no tightening in my belly, and my dick hadn’t particularly perked up, not like it usually did with women.
Usually, but not always.
I’d always passed off my lack of interest in sex as just a byproduct of being busy and focused on my career. Yes, there’d been some girls in high school and later some women here and there, but they’d all been take-it-or-leave-it kind of things. Not having a raging libido just hadn’t been something I’d been overly concerned about.
With Jett, I’d gently ended the kiss a
nd taken him home. Fortunately, he’d been too drunk to make another pass at me or even remember it the following day.
But as I stood watching Isaac, I couldn’t help but remember that my libido had been working just fine at the motel. And yes, Isaac could most definitely be called beautiful, despite his odd look, and he had some features that seemed more feminine than masculine, but there was nothing in my mind that saw him as a woman. I had no illusions about what was behind the zipper of his skinny jeans.
The idea that I might be attracted to him seemed ludicrous to me, but I also wasn’t going to make excuses for it. I’d lived my entire life taking things as they came. My parents had thrived on labels and appearances and expectations while using drugs and alcohol to hide from everything that had been real in their lives.
Whatever this thing with Isaac was, it was irrelevant.
I moved until I was standing just behind him. I expected him to respond to my presence, but he seemed not to notice me, and I figured it was because all his attention was on Newt and Nolan where they were standing near Gentry’s enclosure. The enclosure had two fences, and usually Nolan played along the inner fence for the bear. But today he was outside both fences and I suspected it was because of Newt. Although Gentry hadn’t shown any kind of aggression that I’d ever seen, putting a child anywhere near him would have been irresponsible to say the least, even with adult supervision and a fence separating them.
Nolan was helping Newt hold the violin as Newt carefully moved his little fingers over the appropriate chords and then moved the bow along the strings. The song was played painstakingly slow, but the notes were clear, and I recognized the song for what it was.
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.
The song lasted a good two minutes and I was surprised to see that Gentry had lain down at the far end of the enclosure and was watching Nolan and Newt. Usually, the traumatized animal was pacing the length of the fence. Sawyer had explained to me that the attack on the animal by Jimmy Cornell and his friends had left the formerly abused bear with new physical and mental wounds, and it would take a long time for the animal to heal from them.
I watched Isaac as Isaac watched Newt. From my position, I couldn’t see his face, but his failure to stay still told me he was going through something. I watched as he put his arms around his body as if trying to give himself a hug. I actually found myself moving closer to him before I caught myself.
What was it about the young man that made it seem like he was always just barely hanging on? With the way he’d laid into me at the motel, there was nothing weak about him.
Well, not true.
He’d cried when I’d handed him the money that had been meant to cover the cash he’d lost. I had no clue what he charged to let guys use him, but there’d been more than a thousand dollars in that wad of cash. I would have gladly given him more if it meant he never had to even think about getting on his knees for the likes of Arthur Tomlinson again.
But all I’d done was hurt him even more.
“Didya see?” Newt suddenly shouted as he practically shoved the violin at Nolan and began racing up the path toward Isaac.
“I saw!” Isaac responded. I could hear the pride in his voice.
Newt stopped after just a couple of feet when his eyes landed on me. I hated the wariness that came over him. Isaac turned around and let out a gasp when he saw me not even a foot behind him.
“Jeepers creepers,” he yelled as he clutched his chest.
I nearly smiled at the ridiculous anti-swear word.
“Sorry,” I offered. My eyes roamed over Isaac’s body. His coat was unbuttoned, so I saw that his shirt was a hot pink color and had a unicorn farting rainbows on it. There was a bright purple glittery scarf wrapped around his throat. He was wearing eyeliner again, but this time it was a deep shade of purple. And the gloss was there, making his lips look full and very kissable.
God, what was happening to me? Was it really going to be this over-the-top, weird, outrageous, vulnerable-but-oh-so-strong kid who was going to finally get my body to wake up and act like the horny teenager my mother had tried to accuse me of being, but that I’d never actually been?
Newt appeared at Isaac’s side and wrapped his arms protectively around his brother’s waist. His blue eyes, which were so like Isaac’s, pinned mine. “Don’t say mean things to my brother, Mad,” Newt said, his finger coming up to wave in my direction. “Or I’ll tell your mommy on you.”
Isaac’s hands dropped to Newt’s head. “It’s fine, Newt, he’s not going to.”
“You can’t be in the family if you’re mean,” Newt declared.
I had no idea what he was talking about, but clearly, I’d made an impression with the boy. And a legitimate one.
“Hey,” Isaac said as he knelt down in front of Newt. “He’s not going to be mean to me.”
“Yes, he is. He made you cry.”
I startled at that. Had Isaac actually told him that?
But Isaac seemed equally surprised. “What? No, he didn’t,” Isaac said.
Newt began to nod, and to my horror, tears began sliding down his face. “Uh-huh, he did. Last night.”
“Hey, hey,” Isaac said, his voice full of worry when he lifted Newt into his arms. Newt wrapped his arms and legs around his brother. “What are you talking about?”
“You told him to stay away from you. Then you started to cry. I tried to wake you…”
Understanding dawned as Isaac’s eyes met mine and I felt like the lowest form of human life on the planet.
“Buddy, look at me,” Isaac said. Nolan had made his way to us after putting the violin in his case and I could see the concern in his eyes.
Newt looked at his brother through watery eyes and let out a little hiccup.
“I was having a bad dream last night, wasn’t I?”
Newt nodded. “And you cried.”
“Remember how our dreams sometimes get things mixed up?” Isaac asked. “And that the things that happen in dreams didn’t actually happen in real life?”
“Like the time I dreamed Lightning drove to our house in Frisco.”
“San Francisco, right,” Isaac said. “And you ran down to the street in your pajamas to talk to him and it was still just our same boring car out there?”
Newt nodded morosely.
“Well, that’s what I did last night. I was remembering things that didn’t happen and mixing stuff up in my mind. Maddox didn’t make me cry and I didn’t tell him to stay away from me.”
Isaac was lying through his teeth because I’d done all those things and worse. I felt Nolan’s eyes on me and could practically hear the wheels spinning in his head.
“He didn’t?” Newt asked, sounding unsure.
Isaac shook his head. “It was just a dumb dream, okay? And he’s not going to be mean to me or to you, and you know why?”
“Why?”
“Because Loki will eat him if he does,” Nolan cut in. His hard eyes were on me, so his warning was clear. And I didn’t blame him in the least.
“Not Loki,” I said, trying to make my voice sound terrified as I laid pleading eyes on Newt. He watched me suspiciously and then said, “Gentry too. Gentry likes me and Isaac.”
“Gentry’s a smart bear,” I said. “Ok, Gentry, too. But just don’t… just don’t sic you-know-who on me,” I whispered as I pretended to look fearfully around me.
“Who?” Newt asked.
I shook my head violently. “Oh, no, I can’t tell you that.”
“Dallas!” Newt guessed.
I shook my head.
“The dogs?”
Another shake.
It went on and on like that for several seconds with Nolan and Isaac finally chiming in to “help” Newt guess. The little boy was finally smiling, but my guilt was a heavy, dead weight in my belly.
Dallas appeared a moment later and stopped at Nolan’s side, his arm automatically going around the slimmer man’s waist. He seemed confused as to what was happening at
first, until Nolan leaned up and whispered in his ear. Dallas’s eyes settled on me and I didn’t miss the condemnation there. I had no idea if Isaac had told them about what had transpired between us at the motel, but Dallas clearly was as protective of Newt as Isaac and Nolan were. I saw him get his phone out and pull up something on the screen, then he gave Newt’s little sleeve a tug. I’d noticed the night before that my brother’s fingernails were covered in bright green and pink nail polish, but it appeared that Nolan’s were too, but just in different colors.
The little group huddled together as they all looked at Dallas’s phone screen and whispered amongst themselves. All I cared about was the smile I saw on Newt’s face and the spark in his eyes when he triumphantly looked at me.
“I know who it is,” he said with a big grin.
“No, you don’t,” I whispered.
“Yes, I do,” the little boy said proudly. “It’s Jerry!”
“No!” I cried right before I covered my mouth with my hand. I made a show of putting my folded hands against Newt’s knee. “Please, Newt, I’ll never be mean again, I swear it. Just don’t feed me to Jerry the Ornery Zebra.”
Newt didn’t manage to make it through my plea before he began giggling. Everyone else seemed to relax, and while I knew I had a lot of damage control to do with both Isaac and his brother, for the moment, I felt like we were back on even footing. At least the little boy didn’t look like he was going to burst into tears again.
“Okay, so we’re good?” Isaac asked as he gave Newt a squeeze.
“Nuh-uh, you gotta do the thing,” he said.
“No, we don’t,” Isaac said.
“What thing?” Nolan asked at the same time.
To Nolan, Newt said, “They gotta hug. When me and Isaac have a fight, we always gotta say sorry and hug. It’s the rules.”
“No, it’s fine—”
“I agree with Newt,” I cut in, interrupting Isaac. I held the younger man’s gaze and said, “Rules are rules, after all.”
Sanctuary Found_Pelican Bay [Book 2] Page 10
