I was afraid of making the wrong choice.
And that’s what it came down to—a decision between two kinds of lives. I could be brave and fight for the love I’d found with Ryder, regardless of the heartache I knew would follow once I died. Or, I could leave and hope that somewhere in the future love might find me again, this time with someone from my own species. But did I want someone else? There were so many variables to consider and the uncertainty of what the future held for us both weighed heavily on my mind.
There was no magical device that could predict what the years to come would bring. Yes, to stay would be a risk. There was nothing to guarantee that choosing to forge that connection with Ryder would last. Except, despite the logical reasoning churning in my head, my heart felt differently.
Life wasn’t always simple. It definitely wasn’t always fair.
Love was sometimes messy, but in the brief time I’d spent with the incredible man I’d left standing there, vulnerable, upstairs, I’d learned something else.
It could be worth it.
Ryder would be worth the risk.
A life filled with incredible memories of loving each other would be worth it.
“Why couldn’t you have just been human?” I whispered softly, staring at the night sky. Unfortunately, wishing wasn’t going to make this any easier. This wasn’t one of those situations where I could just ignore the problem and hope it went away. So much was at stake here—too many futures hung in the balance.
Could I walk away knowing I might never feel this way, again? Were the differences between us too big to overcome? I could get over Ryder being a Wanderer—the longer I dwelt on it, the clearer that became.
What I couldn’t get past was the one question that echoed loudest within me. Was I willing to sacrifice everything and lose my future family for the rest of eternity, just so I could be with Ryder? Would love be enough to balance that pain of separation?
I didn’t know, and there was a good chance I might not ever come to a solid conclusion. I only knew that I loved Ryder with everything I had, but I couldn’t give him the answers he wanted while I remained this torn.
What I needed was more time—the one thing that had suddenly become more precious than anything else in the world. Each minute I spent huddled on the stairs was a moment wasted.
“Skylar?” Ryder’s voice betrayed him as it shook. “Can I join you?”
Shrugging, I didn’t say anything and he sat beside me, careful to give me the space I still needed. “I’ve been worried. When you didn’t come back, I kept telling myself to wait, but I couldn’t. I had to come find you and make sure you are okay.”
Glancing at him, his expression hurt my heart. “I want to say I’m fine, but I can’t. Things have changed. I don’t know how to deal with that.”
“Nothing’s changed in how we feel about each other, though. I love you. I’m pretty sure I’ve loved you from the first time I saw you. And earlier, you said those words back to me. Do you still mean them?”
I didn’t have to think to respond. “I love you more than anything, Ryder.”
“Then I know we can get through this.”
“It’s not that simple,” I exclaimed, tears filling my eyes, again.
“So, I’m a Wanderer and you’re human. They’re just words. We don’t have to let it alter who we are as a couple. Yes, things will be challenging, but I know that together we can rise above it.”
Wiping the moisture from my cheeks, I did my best to give him a lopsided smile. “So, you’re not of this world? I can deal with all that. We live in a day and age where different cultures and races blend.”
“Then what, sweetheart? Help me understand.”
“Being with you is incredible. I’ve been so happy these last few weeks, and a lot of that has been because of you.”
Hesitantly he reached for my hand, and when I didn’t pull away, he threaded his fingers through mine. “So what is it? What’s holding you back?”
“I don’t want to leave behind my children. It feels natural to build a family with you, yet if I stay with you, they are the ones I’ll be sacrificing when I die. I won’t see them, again. I won’t see you. All that love between us and, in the end, we’ll be separated.”
Judging by the heavy sigh he released, this was also weighing on him. “I know, and I’ve thought over and over about it, trying to find some other solution.”
“My heart tells me you’re the one for me. I feel it with each passing beat. But the only other alternative I see is to walk away and hope that maybe one day another love will come along. But how fair is that? To you, to me, the next man who shows interest?”
“No one will ever love you the way I do, Skylar,” he added passionately. “No one.”
“That doesn’t help. I feel like I’m caught between two colossal decisions with no sign of a compromise. You said that you could become an Angel if you chose. Can the same choice apply to humans? Can I become like you? That way nothing can separate us and all this angst is for nothing.” The moment I said it, hope flared through my body. Just one glance at Ryder crushed it.
“I would never place you in that kind of danger.” His face was a mask of hardened stone as his hand squeezed mine.
“But you’re saying it’s possible?”
“For a human to become a Wanderer, something so traumatic, so terribly painful, must occur that it causes them to let go of their human consciousness and open themselves up to change. It’s extremely dangerous and most don’t survive the process.”
“But’s it’s possible?” I repeated, not wanting to let go of it.
“Didn’t you hear what I said? You would need to endure something so detrimental to your soul, so shocking, that it obliterates who you are. There’s no way I would ever ask you to go through that for me.”
“But you’re not asking.” I knew I was frustrating him, but for the first time since this all surfaced, I had caught a glimmer of a future where we could be together.
Releasing my hand, he ran his fingers through his hair. “No, Skylar—absolutely not. Watching a human shatter, witnessing the horror as their spirit is broken into fragments, isn’t an alternative. I know what you want and I desperately want to give it to you. Please, give me some time to find another way—to find a loophole—anything, but that. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
While I appreciated the thought, I knew he was clutching at straws. “I don’t think there is a loophole, though. If there was, you’d have heard about it by now.”
“Just say you won’t leave. Not yet.”
“I don’t want to leave. That’s what makes this hurt so much.”
A look of relief crashed over his features. “That’s all I need. We’ll work things out. I promise.”
I didn’t know how he would, but the earnest fervor in his words convinced me. He wasn’t ready to let go of me any faster than I was to leave him. Ryder would fight to keep us together, and together we’d find a way.
Love would conquer all.
Chapter Twenty-One
Ryder
“Come inside. I want to show you some things.” Standing, I held my hand out to her, knowing that things were not even remotely close to being resolved between us, but I still wanted to share with her. There were pieces of my life, hiding in my apartment, that would show her glimpses of the real me and the life I’d lived until now. I hoped that perhaps some of that would clear the air for her. I wanted to show her everything—to be a completely open book.
Unquestioning, she slid her hand easily into mine and I guided her back into my apartment, closing and locking the door behind us. “There’s something I can do for you, a power of sorts, for lack of a better description.”
“Do for me?” she asked, not following.
“Well, you should know, I’m an empath—meaning I can feel your emotions every time we touch. In fact, I can even absorb them and send my own into you, as well. Right now, I can sense you’re nervous and upset; if
you’d like, I can help calm a bit of that restlessness inside you so you can observe the things I want to show you without it being such a shock to your system.”
“Have you done this to me before?” she asked, eyes narrowing.
“Only to enhance some of your pleasure during certain physical situations we’ve found ourselves in. And even then, it was only very minor—otherwise you’d have realized immediately I was something . . . different.” I stared at her, my body reacting at the intimate memories in my mind. “You’ll still be you, just calmer. I would never influence you without your permission.”
“Okay, that’s good.” She glanced at our clasped hands. “But can you give me a little demonstration? I’m not exactly sure what you mean.”
“Sure.” I smiled, hoping for the chance to demonstrate a whole host of things to her at some point. I wanted to give everything to her.
Lifting her hand, I allowed some of my energy to flow into her and blue light appeared between our skin as it transferred.
“Hmmm,” she sighed, her posture relaxing and she closed her eyes. “That feels so . . . warm . . . and good. I like it.”
“I like it, too,” I replied, my voice sounding gravelly.
“Are you okay?” she asked, staring at me.
I nodded. “I am; but sharing my essence with you this way is very personal . . . almost erotic, for me. It’s part of me, entering part of you and it heightens all my senses and makes my body react to you even more than normal. It connects me with you on the most primal of levels.”
She gave a slight laugh. “So, like sex for the soul?”
I chuckled. “Exactly like that. The last time I pushed my power into you like that I had to take a shower afterward. It’s a very strong reaction. Of course, whatever is going on between you and me is greatly heightening my response. It’s not this strong all the time.”
She shook her head. “I don’t know if I’m ever going to get used to all this.”
“No one expects you to understand it all—let alone to grasp it, immediately. Take your time, Skylar. I’ve waited this long just to find you. I’ll wait for you as long as it takes. I love you.”
Her eyes watered and she rapidly blinked them. “And what if I’m never ready?”
I knew what she meant. She wanted to know what would happen if she refused to bond with me.
“That would sadden me, but I’d still stay with you—if that was what you wanted. We can remain exactly as we are right now and never change, if that’s what you want. I’ll do whatever you feel is best. I know I’m asking you to make so many sacrifices.”
Swallowing hard, her gaze never left me. “The hardest thing for me is the thought of never getting to be with you—or any children we might have—in the next life.”
“I understand. Really, I do. Just know this. I’d consider any child you gave me a gift. Yes, we would be parted, but that child would be your gift to me—a piece of you that I would get to keep and love for the rest of eternity. I’d never take that for granted.”
“You said any children we had would be bound to this earth. They wouldn’t be able to leave and travel with you?”
I shook my head. “No, but I would live here, if this was where my offspring were. There’s no way I could leave them behind. True, I’d be bound to you for this lifetime only, but I’d be bound to them, forever.” Reaching out, I stroked her face, groaning as I let some more of my essence slip inside her, knowing I was asking entirely too much of her. “But alive or dead, you will always own my soul. I want no one else.”
“How can you be sure?” she asked, sighing as she leaned into my touch. “You’ve only known me a short while.”
“I’ve been alive for a very long time. Learning to read people quickly is a trait I acquired long ago. While I may not know every minute detail about you, I know enough to see that you’re inherently good, with a pure heart. That’s enough for me, for now. I will spend the next several years enjoying finding out the rest. That is, if you decide to have me.”
Her eyes shifted away, but not before I still saw the indecision weighing heavily within them. I didn’t want to make her more uncomfortable, feeling like she was being pressed into making a choice right away.
“There’s some other things I want to show you,” I added, redirecting the conversation as I continued to infuse some of myself into her. “Are you feeling up to seeing more things that might blow your mind a little?”
She smiled. “Why not? It can’t be any worse than the shock I’ve already received today, can it?”
I shook my head, keeping hold of her hand as I guided her toward the second bedroom that served as my office. “I think you’ll like this part.” Making our way to the closet, I stopped to slide the door to the side. To any other person, it just looked like a closet full of boxes stacked on top of each other. But looks could be deceiving, and I was about to share this with Skylar. In truth, I was a bit excited about it. “I know we’ve spent a lot of time here in this apartment, and I’ve enjoyed it. When we are apart, though, I spend most of my time in here.”
“In your closet?” She raised an eyebrow skeptically.
“It’s not exactly a closet.” Extending my arm, I stuck my hand into the portal, and it disappeared.
“Oh my gosh!” Skylar squeaked out. “What the hell is that?”
I laughed. “It’s a portal. Don’t worry. We will still be right here on Earth, but existing on a slightly different plane.”
Before she could object, I stepped forward, pulling her through the opening behind me. She gasped slightly, obviously experiencing the unusual gelatin-like sensation of crossing from one plane to the next.
Eyes widening, she stared around in wonder. “What is this place?”
“My home and my laboratory,” I replied, smiling. “At least it is for now.”
“This is where you do all your real research studies, isn’t it?”
“It is.”
Stepping forward, she ran her fingers across some of the green glowing machines. I knew she’d never seen anything like them before. Earth didn’t have this kind of technology, yet.
“What are these?” I could hear the awe in her voice.
“Computers and other equipment used for analysis. Earth isn’t nearly as advanced as some other societies, but someday they will be.”
Moving away, she ran her hand over the wall, causing it to move and shimmer under her touch. “What kind of material is this?”
“It’s matter,” I replied, knowing it would be hard to explain things to her without all the science to back it up. “Suffice it to say that as a Wanderer, we have control over some forms of matter. This allows us to alter our appearances as necessary . . . for instance, hiding my wings from you or making myself appear to age. This place and time is made up of matter organized by me. I can move it anywhere I need it to be.”
“This is just so incredible. I can’t even begin to comprehend what I’m seeing. What do you do with all this data and stuff you’re collecting?”
“I recreate worlds,” I replied, grinning.
“Excuse me?” she asked, staring blankly at me.
“Come here.” I dragged her through another door, shutting it behind us so that we were standing in a blank room. “Name a place . . . any place you want to see.”
“Andromeda,” she whispered. “I used to look at it through telescopes with my dad when I was little.”
“Activate Andromeda,” I commanded, and immediately the floor and walls melted away from us and we were hurtling through space toward Earth’s neighboring spiral galaxy.
Skylar squealed, clawing for me and I let my wings burst from my back as I grabbed her, swooping through space with her in my arms. While I knew this was only a hologram, it felt real. Had we actually been in space, Skylar wouldn’t have been able to breathe; but here, this was a safe environment—one that I’d created. I liked being able to instantly visit any place from my past and experience things I’d seen and learned.<
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“What’s happening?” Skylar practically screamed as she clung to me.
“Don’t worry. It’s merely a projection of reality. Nothing can harm you.” Pulling up short, I hovered in place, loving the feel of her body intertwined with mine. “Isn’t it beautiful?”
“It’s gorgeous,” she replied, her body relaxing as I released more of my essence inside her to soothe her. “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.” My arms tightened around her.
“Is there life in there? I mean other planets? Like Earth?”
“There are,” I replied. “Activate Pellerarous.”
Immediately the scene before us changed and we were on Pellararous, standing near the Lagoons of Misdore. Giant waterfalls, fell into pools of water surrounded by brightly colored ferns.
“The water!” Skylar exclaimed, pointing. “It’s different colors.”
“Different minerals in the water allow the light to refract differently than the water on Earth. That’s what causes the color change.”
“It’s beautiful. I’ve never imagined anything like this,” she said, stepping closer to lean over and peer into the nearest pool. “Look! There’s fish! At least I think they’re fish. They look a little funny.”
I laughed. “Yes, they’re fish, but here they’re called teecahn.”
“Teecahn,” she repeated, laughing. “I think I’m having the most incredible dream right now. None of this can be real.”
“Well, this isn’t real, actually, but it’s an accurate projection of reality. Think of it as being able to experience or live in one of your paintings.”
Turning, she gaped at me. “You’re an artist.”
I nodded. “Of sorts, but my art is based on scientific reality.”
Flinging her arms wide, she twirled around in a circle. “I want to paint this place!”
“That can easily be arranged.” I smiled, my love for her growing as I watched her reaction to this piece of my life. “Stay with me, Skylar. There’s so much more I’d love to share with you. I don’t want to lose you.”
Wanderlust Page 15
