Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  • The king of an African country issued a royal decree: “No one may kill any wild animals.” The decree was honored, but soon there were too many lions and tigers in the kingdom. The people revolted, and the king was removed from power. It was the first known instance of a reign being called on account of game.

  How about you? 30% of Americans over the age of 55 do not have a will.

  BEN KINGSLEY’S HAIR

  Critics agree: The 2005 sci-fi movie A Sound of Thunder was one of the year’s worst. Why? In addition to the laughable dialogue and cheesy special effects, there was that poofy white wig worn by British actor Ben Kingsley.

  “The usually-bald actor has been given a thick thatch so white it almost glows in the dark. Now that’s scary.”

  —Movie Mom’s Review

  “Ben Kingsley sports a white wig that looks like a lump of cotton candy perched on his head.”

  —CNN

  “It’s 2055. Ben Kingsley has grown a head of ‘Man from Glad’ hair and presides over Time Safari, Inc.”

  —Toronto Star

  “They keep going back to the same spot and shooting the same poor dinosaur, allowing director Peter Hyams to use the same sequence over and over, thereby saving money to pay for Kingsley’s snowy-white Chia Pet head.”

  —The Arizona Republic

  “Kingsley is forced to wear an outrageous wig that makes it appear he has a massive White Persian cat perched atop his head.”

  —Variety

  “Someone has also apparently gone back to the 20th century to retrieve a truckload of double-breasted chalk-stripe suits and—to judge from Mr. Kingsley’s white pompadour—Jack Valenti’s hair.”

  —The New York Times

  “Ben Kingsley pits his hairdo against Edward Burns’ space suit.”

  —Roger Ebert

  “Perhaps the saddest thing is watching an actor of Ben Kingsley’s caliber try and say his lines without being embarrassed. This is made even harder for Kingsley with the ridiculous wig he’s forced to wear. Did these guys lose a bet or something?”

  —ThreeMovieBuffs.com

  “I’m talkin’ pure white Cesar Romero Joker-style hair.”

  —MovieJuice.com

  “Ben Kingsley has scary hair. It’s tall and white and exceedingly strange, like Donald Trump’s collided with Siegfried Fischbacher.”

  —USA Today

  Surely you can’t be serious: In the 19th century, Shirley was a popular name for boys.

  FLAG TRIVIA

  It turns out there’s a lot more to flags than stars and stripes.

  ANATOMY OF A FLAG

  There are more than 200 countries in the world, and all of them have flags. Most national flags are rectangular; two—the Vatican and Switzerland—are square. The flag of Nepal is the only one that doesn’t have square corners: it has a “double pennant” shape that looks like one triangle on top of another.

  • Modern flags are divided into four quarters, or cantons. These cantons are numbered clockwise from the top left, which is known as the first canton. On the American flag, the white stars against the blue background are in the first canton.

  • It’s so common for special symbols to be placed in the first canton that it alone is sometimes referred to as the canton, with the rest of the flag being called the field or ground.

  • The first and the fourth cantons—the two closest to the flagpole—are known as the hoist. The second and third cantons—the ones that flap freely in the wind—are called the fly.

  AMERICAN FLAG FACTS

  Here’s a trick question: If the 50 stars on the American flag represent the 50 states in the union, which star represents your state? Answer: none of them. Collectively, the stars do represent the fifty states, but no star represents any particular state.

  Another question: If a 51st state enters the union, can you still fly your old 50-star flag? Yes. If the United States ever does get a 51st state, the president will order a new American flag to be designed, one with 51 stars instead of 50. But the new flags will be phased in gradually; even on federal buildings, the 50-star flags will continue to fly until they’re too worn for public display.

  You may think that all American flags are exactly the same, but they’re not. Flags that are meant to be displayed indoors often have extra decorative elements. For example:

  • Gold cords, ending in gold tassels, may hang from the top of the flagstaff or flagpole.

  Nick Nolte was originally considered for the role of Han Solo in Star Wars.

  • The flag may have a gold fringe running along its outer edges.

  • The flagstaff may be topped with a finial, or ornament, shaped like a spearhead, an eagle, or some other three-dimensional figure.

  FLAG DESIGNER

  In January 1959, an executive order from President Dwight Eisenhower resulted in a flag redesign. After Alaska became the 49th state, the stars had to be rearranged into seven rows of seven stars each. When Hawaii became the 50th state later that year, Eisenhower ordered the stars to be rearranged again—in nine rows staggered horizontally and 11 staggered vertically.

  But who came up with the staggered design? A 17-year-old high school student from Ohio named Robert Heft. When statehood for Alaska and Hawaii were being discussed in 1958, Robert’s teacher asked his students to redesign the flag. He got a B–; the teacher said his design lacked creativity. Robert thought he deserved better, so he sent his flag to his U.S. representative… and Congress approved it, making his school project the new, official American flag.

  MYTH UNDERSTOOD

  The proper way to dispose of worn or tattered flags is by burning them in a dignified fashion. This tradition is often misunderstood to mean that if a national flag touches the ground for even a moment, it has been desecrated and must be disposed of by burning. This is untrue: A flag should not be dropped or allowed to touch the ground, but if it happens, it’s not the end of the world (or the flag): Just pick it up, and if it’s dirty, clean it. Tattered flags may be mended and restored to good condition.

  YOUR SCHWENKEL IS SHOWING

  Picture an American flag. Now picture the topmost stripe, the red one, extending out beyond the rest of the flag to almost twice its length, as if a red streamer has been tied to it. That streamer, and the shape it gives to the flag, are known as schwenkels. (Seriously.)

  Schwenkels aren’t seen very often these days, but during the Middle Ages knights of low rank carried them as their personal flags. How could you tell when a knight had been promoted to the rank of knight-banneret? His flag had its schwenkel cut off (not as painful as it sounds), after which the flag was known as a banner.

  How about you? A 1,200-pound horse eats about seven times its own weight a year.

  UNCLE JOHN’S PAGE OF LISTS

  Some random bits from the BRI’s bottomless files.

  Top 10 States for Deer/Car Accidents

  1. Pennsylvania

  2. Michigan

  3. Illinois

  4. Ohio

  5. Georgia

  6. Minnesota

  7. Virginia

  8. Indiana

  9. Texas

  10. Wisconsin

  5 Requirements in Dick Cheney’s Hotel Room

  1. All lights on

  2. Decaf coffee (brewed in advance)

  3. Diet Sprite (4 cans)

  4. Temperature set to 68°F

  5. TV tuned to FOX News

  World’s 5 Healthiest Foods (according to Health.com)

  1. Olive oil

  2. Soy

  3. Yogurt

  4. Lentils

  5. Kimchee

  6 Parts of the Circulatory System

  1. Heart

  2. Arteries

  3. Arterioles (small arteries)

  4. Capillaries

  5. Veins

  6. Venules (small veins)

  3 Little Pigs

  1. Fifer (straw house)

  2. Fiddler (wood house)

  3. Practical (bri
ck house)

  The 4 Seasons

  1. Frankie Valli

  2. Tommy DeVito

  3. Bob Gaudio

  4. Nick Massi

  7 Real Computer Programming Languages

  1. Toadskin

  2. Nietzsche

  3. Beatnik

  4. OWL

  5. Bullfrog

  6. Spaghetti

  7. Argh!

  5 Sports Nicknames Made Up by ESPN’s Chris Berman

  1. René “La Kook” Arocha

  2. Rick “See Ya Later” Aguilera

  3. Jim “Hey” Abbott

  4. Chuck “New Kid On” Knoblauch

  5. Mike “Enough” Aldretti

  4 H’s in the 4-H Club

  1. Head

  2. Heart

  3. Hands

  4. Health

  5 Childless U.S. Presidents

  1. George Washington

  2. James Buchanan

  3. Andrew Jackson

  4. James Polk

  5. James Madison

  3 Events in an Ironman Triathlon

  1. 2.4-mile swim

  2. 112-mile bike race

  3. 26.2-mile run

  Nicole Kidman has lepidopterophobia…a morbid fear of butterflies.

  WORD ORIGINS

  Ever wonder where certain words come from? Here are the interesting stories behind some of them.

  HAGGARD

  Meaning: Appearing tired or worn out

  Origin: “When the Normans conquered England in 1066, they brought with them their own style of falconry. The Old French word falcon referred only to female hawks, while the male was called a tercel (that’s where Toyota got it). A wild bird trapped for falconry was called a haggard. These haggards were often uncontrollable and difficult to train, and soon haggard was being used to describe unruly, intractable people, and, eventually, the gaunt appearance of an exhausted person.” (From Once Upon a Word, by Rob Kyff)

  HUBRIS

  Meaning: Arrogance

  Origin: “In its original Greek sense (the Greek form is hybris) it indicated insolence towards the gods, an unwise attitude that would inevitably be followed by one’s comeuppance (or nemesis). If used to describe someone’s current attitudes or behavior, the speaker is looking forward to saying ‘I told you so.’” (From Faux Pas?, by Philip Gooden)

  PASTRAMI

  Meaning: A cured or smoked, seasoned deli meat

  Origin: “Pastrami has a Romanian-Roman history. In Bucharest it’s pastrama, from a verb meaning ‘to preserve.’ Pastrami is a kind of prepared beef, most often taken from a shoulder cut, highly seasoned and smoked to preserve it.” (From A Pleasure in Words, by Eugene T. Maleska)

  PAPARAZZI

  Meaning: Photographers who follow celebrities

  Origin: “From a character in the 1960 Federico Fellini film, La Dolce Vita, a photographer named Signor Paparazzo. When Fellini was growing up, one of his classmates was a boy who was always squirming and talking fast. A teacher gave him the nickname Paparazzo, an Italian dialect word for a mosquito-like insect that is always buzzing around in the air. When Fellini was writing La Dolce Vita, he gave his classmate’s nickname to his fictitious photographer, a character who constantly flitted around the rich and famous. Before long the real-life photographers who follow celebrities everywhere began to be known as paparazzi, the plural of paparazzo.” (From Inventing English, by Dale Corey)

  Aretha Franklin’s voice has been designated a natural resource by the state of Michigan.

  SCAVENGER

  Meaning: A person or animal who collects junk or waste

  Origin: “In the 14th century, many English towns levied a tax called a scavage on goods sold by nonresident merchants in order to give local merchants an advantage. The scavegers (the ‘n’ was added later) of London were officers charged with the collection of the scavage. The responsibility for keeping the streets clean later fell on their shoulders, as well. When the scavengers’ original purpose was forgotten, they remained simple street cleaners. Now anyone who collects junk is a scavenger.” (From The Merriam-Webster Book of Word Histories)

  SCHLEMIEL

  Meaning: A fool

  Origin: “The name comes from one Shelumiel (Numbers 2:12), leader of the tribe of Simeon. Of all the Hebrew captains of his day, he was the only one regularly unsuccessful in battle. The tradition was revived in 1814 by Adelbert von Chamisso, who wrote Peter Schlemihl’s Wonderful Story, about a man who gives up his shadow to a stranger (the devil) in return for the never-empty purse of Fortunatus (a hero of European legend). The word became a synonym for a person who agreed to a silly bargain.” (From O Thou Improper, Thou Uncommon Noun, by Willard Espy)

  * * *

  “Desserts remain for a moment or two in your mouth, and for the rest of your life on your hips.”

  —Peg Bracken

  It is unusual: Tom Jones was on Charles Manson’s hit list.

  AUDIO TREASURES

  Uncle John loves old-time radio shows. Here are some of his favorites. (For a background on the Golden Age of Radio, turn to page 77.)

  DRAGNET (NBC, 1949–57)

  If you like to watch CSI or any other police “procedural” show, you have Jack Webb—Dragnet’s Sergeant Joe Friday—to thank for it. Webb came up with the idea for Dragnet after playing a forensic scientist in the 1948 movie He Walked by Night. Other cops-and-robbers radio shows were mostly flights of fancy, but Webb, the creator and producer of the show as well as its star, was a stickler for authenticity. He rode along with police officers on patrol and sat in on classes at the police academy, soaking up details that he put to good use in his show. Even the ring of the telephones and the number of footsteps between offices were exactly as they were at LAPD headquarters.

  Things to Listen For: Controversial subject matter. Dragnet was the first police show to tackle taboo topics, such as sex crimes, drug abuse, and the deaths of children. The grim storyline of the 1949 Christmas episode: An eight-year-old boy is shot and killed by the .22 rifle his friend got for Christmas. Gritty realism and attention to detail helped make Dragnet one of the most popular and long-lasting police dramas on radio. It has influenced nearly every police show—on radio and TV—since.

  Note: Good writing is one of the things that makes Dragnet so much fun to listen to; bad writing is what gives another Jack Webb radio detective show, Pat Novak for Hire (ABC, 1946–47), its appeal. The endless stream of cheesy similes (“When Feldman hit me I went down like the price of winter wheat,” and, “She was kind of pretty, except you could see somebody had used her badly, like a dictionary in a stupid family”) pile up like cars on the freeway at rush hour.

  MY FAVORITE HUSBAND (CBS, 1948–51)

  If you’re a fan of I Love Lucy, give My Favorite Husband a listen. Lucille Ball stars as Liz Cooper, the screwy wife of George Cooper, played by Richard Denning. The show was so successful that CBS decided to move it to television in 1951. Lucy agreed on one condition: her real-life husband, Cuban bandleader Desi Arnaz, was to play her husband.

  First Western movie: Kit Carson (1903).

  YOURS TRULY, JOHNNY DOLLAR (CBS, 1949–62)

  Detective series were commonplace during the golden age of radio. This one set itself apart from the pack by making Johnny Dollar a freelance investigator for insurance companies (instead of a typical gumshoe) and structuring the narration of the story as if Johnny was itemizing his expense account in a letter to his client. Each story began with “Expense account item one,” followed by another item or two to get the story rolling. The show ended 30 minutes later with the last item on the account, followed by the signature—“Yours truly, Johnny Dollar.” The gimmick worked: the show became one of the longest-running detective shows in radio.

  INNER SANCTUM (NBC/ABC/CBS, 1941–52)

  Before Inner Sanctum, the hosts of horror shows were as deadly serious and spooky as the stories themselves. Then came Raymond Edward Johnson, a.k.a. “Your host, Raymond,” who introduced each story w
ith bad jokes and one morbid pun after another. He was the inspiration for all the smart-aleck horror hosts that followed, including Tales from the Crypt’s wisecracking Crypt-keeper.

  Things to Listen For: The squeaking door that opened and closed each broadcast—probably the most famous sound effect in radio history. The sound was actually created by a squeaky office chair…except for the time that someone fixed the squeak without realizing its importance. That forced the sound man to make the squeak with his voice until the chair returned to “normal.” Also, do you like tea with your nightmares? For a time Raymond was paired with Mary Bennett, the singleminded spokeswoman for Lipton Tea, who rarely approved of his jokes and always found a way to insert Lipton Tea and Lipton Soup into their conversations. Listening to how she does it is one of the best parts of the show.

  THE LONE RANGER (Mutual, 1933–54)

  The Lone Ranger was one of the most popular radio shows of all time. It was targeted at children, but more than half of the listeners were adults. If you listen you’ll understand why—crisp storytelling and vivid characters make the show a treat. Earle Graser, who played the Masked Man from 1933 until 1941, delivers a wonderfully over-the-top performance—sometimes he sounds like a crazy man who only thinks he’s the Lone Ranger.

  Most common way Americans acquire their cats: by adopting a stray.

  Things to Listen For: Tragedy struck the show in 1941, when Graser was killed in an automobile accident. For the next five shows, the Lone Ranger spoke only in a whisper until the producers found a replacement—Brace Beemer, the show’s longtime announcer, who played the Ranger until the series ended in 1954.

  THE GREEN HORNET (Mutual/ABC, 1936 –52)

  The Lone Ranger was such a huge hit that the show’s creators, Fran Striker and George Trendle, decided to create a second show by bringing the formula into the 20th century. Like the Lone Ranger, the Green Hornet wore a mask and had an ethnic sidekick (his valet, Kato, a Filipino of Japanese ancestry). The Lone Ranger had a horse named Silver; the Green Hornet drove a car called the Black Beauty. Trendle and Striker even made the Green Hornet the Lone Ranger’s great nephew.