Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader
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Things to Listen For: The show had several announcers over the years. One of them was Mike Wallace, who later became a correspondent for the CBS-TV show 60 Minutes. One more thing: In the early episodes, the announcer claims that the Green Hornet goes after crooks “that even the G-men (FBI agents) couldn’t reach.” In later shows that line was dropped, after J. Edgar Hoover complained that no criminals were beyond the Bureau’s reach.
CHALLENGE OF THE YUKON (ABC/Mutual, 1938–55)
Why stop at The Green Hornet? In 1938 Trendle and Striker reworked the Lone Ranger format a third time, this time moving it to the Alaskan Gold Rush of the late 1890s, and combining the hero’s sidekick and his animal companion into a single character, that of Yukon King, Sergeant Preston’s lead sled dog.
Things to Listen For: Yukon King’s astonishing insight into the human condition: He growls and barks at the bad guys before they are revealed to be bad guys, and whimpers in sympathy when murder victims are discovered. “That’s right, King, he’s dead!”
First television sitcom: The Goldbergs (1949).
Q & A: ASK THE EXPERTS
More questions and answers from the world’s top trivia experts.
EATING RAINBOW
Q: Why aren’t there any blue-colored foods?
A: “In the search for blue foods it is important to discount impostors like blueberries, blue cheese, and Blue Nun wine, which are usually gray or purple. There is, however, a variety of corn known as blue corn, commonly obtained in the form of blue tortilla chips. This is but one example of a large range of plant pigments of the anthocyanin family, which are pink when acid and blue when alkaline. Since most plant foods are mildly acidic when fresh, anthocyanin-colored foods are rarely seen in their blue form.” (From The Best Ever Notes & Queries, edited by Joseph Harker)
BARKING UP THE FAMILY TREE
Q: Why do dogs bark so much, and what are they saying, anyway?
A: “Breeding animals to make them more docile tends to make them more cublike. And that’s what scientists believe happened naturally to the wolf-dogs, who for thousands of years hung out on the outskirts of human settlements, scavenging for food. As dogs evolved to be docile, they essentially became overgrown puppies. Even in the absence of danger, dogs may bark for no reason at all, just for the puppy-like thrill of it. So when a yapping dog is driving you crazy, think ‘toddler.’” (From How Come? Planet Earth, by Kathy Wollard)
NO O2 FOR YOU
Q: We need oxygen to breathe, and there is oxygen in water. So how come we can drown in water?
A: “Sure, there’s oxygen in the water, but we’re not equipped to access it. Oxygen in the water is not in a free state as it is in the atmosphere. The one oxygen atom and two hydrogen atoms are so chemically bound together in the water molecule that they can only be separated by a complicated process called electrolysis, which involves running an electric current through the water to separate the hydrogen from the oxygen. Only then could you make use of the oxygen, now in a free state.” (From How a Fly Walks Upside Down, by Martin Goldwyn)
The ancient Sumerians were the first to record sightings of Mercury, in about 3000 B.C.
THE GRASS IS ALWAYS HOTTER
Q: Why does a pile of grass clippings get hot in the middle?
A: “What is happening is that the grass has already begun to rot and produce heat. It feels hotter in the middle because the heat is trapped. Chemical changes begin when organic materials begin to break down; it is these chemical changes that produce the heat.” (From Why?, by Eric Laithwaite)
FREE FALLIN’
Q: How does a parachute work?
A: “A parachute is deployed by a skydiver to increase the amount of air resistance and slow down the fall. Once it’s deployed, the air resistant force is greater than the force of gravity, so the diver slows down dramatically. Terminal velocity with the open parachute is achieved within a second or so, allowing the person to land safely on the ground at a speed of about 9-16 mph.” (From The Handy Physics Answer Book, by P. Erik Gundersen)
LET’S JAM
Q: What’s the difference between jam, jelly, preserves, and marmalade?
A: “The preparation of each involves adding sugar or other sweeteners to the fruit to insure flavor preservation, and the removal of water to increase the intensity of taste. Most also include citric acid (for tartness) and pectin (a jelling agent). The main difference is texture. Jellies are prepared from strained fruit juices and have a smooth consistency. Jams are made from crushed fruit. Preserves use whole fruit or pieces of whole fruit. Marmalades use citrus fruit only and include the peel.” (From When Did Wild Poodles Roam the Earth?, by David Feldman)
Stubborn: The state animal of Missouri is the mule.
G.E. COLLEGE BOWL
So you didn’t suffer enough on page 61? Here’s another bunch of questions to take your self-image down a couple of notches.
SCIENCE AND MATHEMATICS
Tossup Question: If a plane travels 300 yards in 10 seconds, how many feet does it travel in a fifth of a second?
Bonus Questions:
1. There’s a rhyme that goes like this: “Poor James is dead. We see his face no more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4.” What was the cause of death?
2. There are three states of matter: solid, liquid, and gas. Which state has a definite volume, but no definite shape?
3. Who discovered the radiation belts that surround the Earth? (Hint: They’re named after him).
4. There are an infinite number of prime numbers (whole numbers that are divisible only by themselves and 1). How many of them are even numbers?
5. If you’re suffering from a myocardial infarction, should you buy a larger pair of shoes, or call 911?
U.S. HISTORY
Tossup Question: Only one crime is defined in the U.S. Constitution. Name it.
Bonus Questions:
1. Who was president when the United States bought Alaska from Russia? (Extra credit: Who was president when it became a state?)
2. Name the one U.S. vice president to preside over the Senate while under indictment for murder.
3. In 1858 a man named Duff Armstrong went on trial for murder. A witness for the prosecution claimed that he had been able to see the murder, which happened after dark, by moonlight from 150 feet away. Armstrong’s lawyer won his freedom by producing an 1857 almanac, which showed that on the night in question the moon was too low in the sky for that to have been possible. Who was Duff Armstrong’s lawyer?
Stay home! In Thailand, it is customary to give presents on your birthday.
4. The United States declared war on what three countries on June 5, 1942? (Hint: They’re not the countries you’re thinking of.)
5. When President Dwight D. Eisenhower called out the National Guard in Little Rock, Arkansas in 1957, he did it to enforce desegregation of the public schools. Why did George Washington call out the National Guard in 1794?
GEOGRAPHY
Tossup Question: If you start from Pakistan and travel over the Khyber Pass, where will you end up?
Bonus Questions:
1. In 1917 the United States purchased some real estate from Denmark for $25 million. What territory did America buy?
2. The country of Liechtenstein is only about 5% the size of Rhode Island, and yet it still has room for a capital city. Name it.
3. New York City used to be known as New Amsterdam. What used to be known as New Holland?
4. What misleadingly named lake is the largest lake in the world?
5. The Fox Islands and Rat Islands are both part of what larger chain of islands?
GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
Tossup Question: What four U.S. states refer to themselves as “commonwealths” instead of states?
Bonus Questions:
1. In the old days, this kind of produce (fruit or vegetable) was called a “love apple.” What is it?
2. He fought in World War I, and other than George Washington, he’s the only general to hold th
e rank “General of the Armies.” What is his name?
3. The Sea of Tranquility is found on what kind of map?
4. John Chapman made a name for himself wandering around Ohio and Indiana at the turn of the 19th century. How’d he do it?
5. According to legend, what was the name of Robin Hood’s wife?
How’d you do? The answers are on page 514.
Scary stat: Every year, U.S. doctors leave surgical tools in approximately 1,500 patients.
THAT’S AMORE?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, it hurts.
In 2005 Ahmed Salhi, 24, was sentenced to nine months home arrest in Ferrara, Italy, for violating immigration laws. He begged the judge to change the sentence to nine months in prison…because he couldn’t bear his wife’s nagging. “I need some peace,” he said.
• A couple in Aachen, Germany, had been sleeping in separate beds for months when the wife finally woke the husband up in the middle of the night and demanded he fulfill his “husbandly duties.” He refused. She called the police and demanded they make him do it. “The officers did not feel able to resolve the dispute,” a police spokesman said, “let alone issue any kind of official order.”
• A woman in Newport, Arkansas, was arrested after she pulled a gun on Larry Estes, a preacher who had just started the service in his church. The woman was Tammy Estes, the preacher’s wife. Witnesses later reported that Mrs. Estes was upset over text messages that she’d found from her husband to another woman. After holding Rev. Estes at bay for two hours, she surrendered to police.
• During the 1950s, a couple in Kuligaon, India, had an argument that resulted in the husband moving out of the house…and into a nearby treehouse. As of 2006, the 83-year-old was still living there. “We quarreled over a tiny issue,” his wife told reporters. “I’ve tried to get him to come back, but he has refused all the time.”
• In September 2005, Mark Bridgwood, 49, of Dartmouth, England, noticed a classified advertisement in his local paper for a yacht. It was his yacht. His estranged wife, Tracy, was secretly selling it for less than half its $180,000 value. “Any quick cash offer considered,” the ad said. The fuming husband nixed any possible sale by taking an ax to seawater valves under the vessel’s waterline. The 53-foot yacht went down immediately. “It was a beautiful boat,” said Tracy, who works as a waitress. “And he sank it.”
Coffee should be black as hell, strong as death, and as sweet as love. —Turkish proverb
ZERO-SUM EXPANSION
Every line of work has its own jargon, but corporate lingo—“office speak”—has some of the best (and darkest) euphemisms around. Here’s a brief sampling.
Negative advancement: Demotion.
Percussive maintenance: Kicking a machine to get it to work.
Sub-optimal results: Failure.
Temporarily displaced inventory: Stolen goods.
Market correction: The stocks are plummeting.
Opportunity: Severe problem with no clear solution.
Realigned salaries: Pay cuts.
Mindsharing: Brainstorming.
De-layering: Eliminating middle management.
Treeware: Paper.
Efficiency expert: Outsider brought in by a company to decide who should be fired.
Execution excellence: Success.
Soft restructuring: Quietly selling off assets to raise cash, while publicly denying that any such action is going on.
V2V: “Voice to Voice,” or actually speaking with someone.
Enterprise environment: The office.
Capital preservation: When a struggling company stops spending money.
Negative cash-flow experience: The company is losing money.
Structural constraints: Overhead.
Zero-sum expansion: An attempt to sell more products or hire more people with no additional resources.
We’re right-sizing: You’re fired.
We’re de-growing: You’re fired.
We’re putting you on indefinite idle: You’re fired.
We’re considering you for vocational relocation: You’re fired.
He left to pursue other opportunities: He was fired.
The Japanese word koroski means “death induced by overwork.”
BEAUTY SECRETS FROM THE GOOD OLD DAYS
Here’s a beauty tip from Uncle John: If your great-great-great-grandma is still living, don’t ask her for beauty tips. If what we found in these old books is any guide, you’ll probably get some pretty odd advice.
To lose weight: “New York society women usually go upon the milk diet during Lent, as being the most convenient time, and for a week they take nothing into the system but milk. The dose for the milk diet is: Take a glass of milk upon rising, then follow it with a glass every hour all day. Add a pinch of salt if you prefer. The milk will wash all impurities out of the system, and milk taken thusly is not fattening.”
—The Household Physician (1905)
Another way to lose weight: “Keep on bearing children as long and often as possible.”
—Creative and Sexual Science (1876)
For wrinkles: “A wrinkle is like a crinkle in a piece of tissue paper. It is there, but is easily smoothed out. The plaster treatment has been tried with good results: The wrinkle is stretched flat, and slender strips of plaster are applied. When taken off, the wrinkle will be much lighter.”
—The Household Physician (1905)
Bathing: “The vigorous and strong may bathe early in the morning on an empty stomach. The young and weak had better bathe three hours after a meal.”
—Cassell’s Household Guide (1880)
“Bags under the eyes destroy the beauty of the face. To get rid of these bags, massage persistently, and also reform the diet, for the eyes are particularly the sign of a bad liver. It is good to eat apples, cooked and raw; correct the liver and the eye sacs will disappear.”
—The Household Physician (1905)
It’s illegal to clean your car with used underwear in San Francisco.
“Every intelligent dentist knows that the whiter the teeth are, the sooner and the more certainly they will decay. He also knows that those teeth last the longest and are the most useful, which have a yellowish tint.”
—Fun Better Than Physic (1877)
“To enlarge the bust: An efficacious, yet safe method to enlarge the bust is a persistent massage with some bland oil, of which coconut or olive oil are good examples.”
—The Household Physician (1905)
“To cure pimples: Take a fairly full breath and hold it momentarily while contracting the abdominal muscles and straining lightly. This brings a flush to the cheeks and fills the capillaries of the skin, insuring a better skin circulation. Standing on the head will have the same effect as the exercise given, and is worth a try.”
—Home Health Manual (1930)
“Freckled hands in summer are caused by letting the sun touch the hands immediately after they have been washed. The freckles can be removed with lemon juice followed by cold cream.”
—The Household Physician (1905)
“The very best way of making the hair grow is to rub paraffin into the roots but, of course, you must be very careful afterwards not to go near a fire or light of any kind.”
—The Girl’s Own Annual (1903)
“Fat faced women always have small eyes. As the fat increases, the cheeks puff up and the eyes dwindle. Eyes can be made larger if one massages the cheeks until the fat is less noticeable.”
—The Household Physician (1905)
To freshen the breath: “A lump of charcoal held in the mouth two or three times in a week and slowly chewed, has a power to preserve the teeth and purify the breath. Those who are troubled with an offensive breath might chew it very often and swallow it but seldom.”
—Polite Manual for Young Ladies (1847)
It’s a jungle out there: Aardvarks have been known to attack and kill lions.
THE NAKED TRUTH
; Writing is a profession that requires focus and concentration. Here are a few well-known authors who liked to strip away all distractions—literally—before they got down to work.
VICTOR HUGO. The French novelist who wrote Les Misérables and The Hunchback of Notre Dame hated the labor of writing and was a great procrastinator. So he came up with a unique way to force himself to work: He handed all of his clothes to his servant, with orders not to give them back until Hugo had completed a full day’s writing.
EDMOND ROSTAND. The French author of Cyrano de Bergerac suffered so many interruptions from visitors that he resorted to working naked in his bathtub to get some privacy.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY. The American novelist (For Whom the Bell Tolls) wrote nude, standing up, with his typewriter at about waist level.
ROBIN MOORE. In a possible homage to Hemingway, Moore (The Green Berets and The Hunt for Bin Laden) says he also likes to type his novels while standing in the nude.
JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY. The American poet had a tendency to drink too much when he wrote. So he had himself locked inside a hotel room, naked, thus thwarting any temptation to stroll out to the bar for a cocktail.
D. H. LAWRENCE. This British novelist (Lady Chatterley’s Lover) liked to climb mulberry trees in the buff and then write when he came back down.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN. According to legend (which he probably helped spread), the statesman and author of Poor Richard’s Almanack began each day by taking an “air bath”—sitting naked for hours in an extremely cold room—while he wrote.
Whole milk contains only 4% fat by weight—but 48% by calories.
SCAM-O-RAMA
The latest in scams, frauds, cons, and quacks brought to you by Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader, the book that can spin straw into gold, cure the common cold, and prevent you from getting old.