Cruel & Beautiful

by A. M. Hargrove

  “It’s the way I work. Is it dumb to ask how you feel?”

  “No, there is no such thing as a dumb question.”

  “Oh, yes there is and I’ve heard many. But, how are you, my love?”

  If I could do anything, anything at all, it would be to take his pain and suffering away right this very instant. Instead, I run my hand over his smooth head, bald from his last round of chemo and my assistance at shaving.

  “Much better with you by my side.”

  “The only place I want to be.”

  “Have I told you how beautiful you are?”

  “Not today.”

  “I just did, then. And I love you.” His eye flutter closed. I place my face next to his and kiss his cheek. Then I tell him, in his ear, how very much I love him, too. After a moment, I stand and walk out of the room so I can get my cry on. And it’s a doozy.

  As I’m in the hall, Ben comes out and envelops me into a hug.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah. I needed to get away from him so I could cry.”

  “He’s out of it, Cate.”

  “Yeah. But I still want him to see me as Wonder Woman, or something.”

  “That’s ridiculous. He knows you’re not. He knows if anything happens, you’ll need the support of friends.”

  “Ben, has he said anything to you about not making it?”

  “No. He doesn’t know. No one does, Cate.”

  “I don’t think his doctors are very hopeful.”

  Ben leans against the wall and stretches his arms up, dropping his head down between them. Suddenly, he slams his hands against the wall and yells, “Goddammit!”

  I get ready to tell him to hush, but a nurse beats me to it. “Sir, please, this is a hospital, and I would respectfully ask you to refrain from yelling and from using that type of language. We have sick patients and their families here.”

  Ben straightens up and walks up to the nurse and says, “Yeah? Well my best friend for my entire life is in there and just had his lung ripped out his chest because he has cancer. This is his wife right here and I apologize to you and everyone else, but we’re a little upset. Sorry for the bad language, but …” Ben throws his hands up in the air and he turns to me as racking sobs take over him. When I see him like that, I turn into a weepy mess myself.

  Jenna shows up and tells us we need to take it somewhere else. But quite frankly, I just don’t give a fuck anymore. Ben and I stand there and after a time, we let each other go.

  He looks at me and asks, “You good?”

  “For now. You?”

  “Same. Ready to go back in?”

  “Yeah.”

  He holds out his hand and we take the next steps together.

  As the day progresses, Ben and I have more than a few crying spells, but we lean on each other for support. The morphine keeps Drew’s pain at bay but his head fuzzy. The thing about his breathing is freakish. He’s so out of it, I can’t ask him anything. Ray says it’s his diaphragm and it’s fine. But it’s not fine. My husband is getting taken apart piece by piece and it’s killing me slowly as I watch it happen. I never thought about families of cancer survivors and what they go through, but it’s not for the faint of heart.

  Another week passes and Drew finally gets discharged from the hospital. His spirits are up and he’s eating again, too. After a few days, he says they’re going to have another tumor board and he wants to attend. That means I have to take him, since he hasn’t been cleared by his physician to drive.

  “Do you want me to go too?”

  “You can, but I doubt you’ll want to because it might be all gibberish to you.”

  “I can sit in the corner and read a good book.”

  He laughs nervously.

  “Spit it out, McKnight. I know when you’re hiding something.”

  “The news won’t be good, Cate.” His voice is clear and strong.

  “Remember, no sugarcoating,” I remind him.

  “See, here’s the thing. They originally thought the cancer was confined to one lobe, but when they found it scattered throughout my whole lung, well, you can probably guess what I’m going to say.”

  My hands are fisted so tightly, my nails pierce my palms. “Don’t make me guess. I need it spelled out, Drew. I’m not a doctor and don’t know these things.”

  “The lungs are a secondary point.”

  “Meaning?”

  “If it’s there, it’s most likely someplace else.”

  “Such as?”

  “The liver.”

  Heart meet stomach meet floor. Stomach meet throat meet mouth. I run to the bathroom and make it just in time. After I finish my pukefest, I wipe my mouth and rinse it out. Then I think about what he said. The liver. While I’m not a smart woman, medically, I do know this. The liver usually spells out terminally ill. Drew is telling me he’s terminal. Fuck. Suck it up, Cate. Get out there now because he needs you. I look in the cabinet, since I’m not in my bathroom upstairs, and thank god there’s mouthwash in here. I rinse again and walk out the door.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah, well, could be better. What now? More tests?”

  “That and we determine if treatment is even an option anymore.”

  I press my lips together, doing my dead level best to hold in my tears. Nodding, I finally squeak, “And you’re sure there’s nowhere else we can go?”

  “I’m positive, Cate. It’s the disease, not the institution.”

  I stand there, looking at the floor, and I hold out my arms so he can walk into them and not see me cry. God bless him, he figures me out.

  I drive Drew to the hospital but give him the respect he deserves and don’t stay for the tumor board. He calls an hour and a half later and I meet him in Dr. Rosenberg’s office. They decide another round of chemo with an experimental drug added to the protocol. This will go on for two months. If no improvement is seen, then that’s it. They’ve reached the end of the road.

  Christmas is next week and we have no tree or decorations. After moving into the house, I was all gangbusters because I knew this would be the perfect home for the holidays. There are a couple of rooms that would be great for Christmas trees, but now I’m pretty sure we won’t have that.

  Drew doesn’t start chemo until January and I have a moment of inspiration. I get online and check things out. Then I make a call to Letty and pull her into my surprise, and then Ben. They’re one hundred percent on board. My last hold out is Dr. Rosenberg. When I speak to him, he’s a go, too.

  So two days after Christmas, I pack a bag for Drew and I and I tell him I have a surprise. We get in the car and drive to the airport. When we get there, and he sees our destination is Chicago, he wants to know what’s going on. I only jiggle my brows.

  “What have you done, Cate?”

  “Oh, I don’t know.”

  The corner of his mouth curls and I can see his wheels spinning. “You haven’t done what I think you have?”

  “And what might that be?”

  “Blackhawk tickets?”

  I grin and the look I receive is like sunbeams bursting through a storm. If I could capture it on film and save it to my own personal hard drive forever, I would die a happy woman. Drew McKnight is the happiest I’ve seen in weeks and weeks and I know I’ve made the best decision to make this trip.

  The three-day jaunt to Chicago is amazing and it changes Drew—if only for that short period of time. It’s like we went back to those days in our sweet little villa by the sea. We are happy and nothing gets in the way of it, not even the looming monster of cancer.

  Unfortunately, it doesn’t last, because we have to come home. But damn, it’s been so worth it.

  January, chemo cranks back up and ironically, it’s not as bad as the last rounds. Drew has been in some pain recently, which makes me anxious, but the chemo knocks it right out and he tolerates it well. Other than the hair being gone, which neither of us gives a shit about, he’s holding his own. That’s not to say all is
great. He’s dropping weight. It’s not a huge amount. But it’s a pound or so every week. I have to buy him new clothes because he can’t wear his old ones anymore.

  He gives me an apologetic grin. “Maybe I should just stick to sweats. With elastic, then I wouldn’t have to worry about it.”

  “Drew! Don’t be silly.”

  He’s lying on the couch and I slide up next to him and hug him. It’s sad to feel how much muscle is no longer there. It’s the wasting away thing that you hear about.

  “I’m nothing but a sack of bones, Cate.”

  “You’ve lost weight, but we’ll fatten you back up.”

  “I love your positive attitude.”

  “Drew, you have to have one, too.”

  He tilts his head and stares for a minute.

  “What?”

  “My scans came back today.” Blue eyes, overcast with sadness gut me. Shit shit shit shit shit.

  THE LIGHT COMING THROUGH MY window is hazy and gray. Clouds thick with frozen moisture loom above DC, putting the brakes on everything as the city waits with bated breath to see if the possible storm will materialize.

  “As much as I hate to say it, you should get home or you’ll be stuck here with me for the foreseeable future.”

  “Not a bad thing.” Andy tugs my back closer to his chest.

  “We both know the hospital will need you.”

  “Maybe I need you more.”

  His words light a fire in my heart. I’m beginning to need him like I need food to survive.

  “Andy,” I begin.

  He groans. “For the record, I hate that we live so far apart. I’m getting used to waking up with you. We should think about getting a place together, somewhere halfway between there and here.”

  My mouth goes dry. “What are you saying?”

  He turns me around so that I’m facing him. “I’m saying I want us to share space. I’m saying that I need you Cate. We’ve spent enough time apart.”

  I place my finger on his cheek and begin to trace his the line of his cheekbone. “No one knows we’re together yet. My parents, yours, … Ben.”

  He sighs. “I know. Maybe we should tell them when we go home for Christmas. You are going home?”

  I nod. As much as I don’t want to and deal with the questions and possible hurt feelings, I have to face that reality if I plan to be with him. And I’ll have to go back to calling him Drew. I’m not sure I’m ready for that either. The bubble wrap we’ve created around our relationship will finally pop.

  “I am. When are you planning to go down?”

  He shrugs. “I’m not sure. I’m asking because I thought maybe I could drive you down or back, if not both, depending on our schedules.”

  “I’m planning to take the week, not much more.”

  “Okay, I’ll see what days I can get off. And there’s something we should discuss later.”

  I rise up on an elbow. “Tell me now.” Curiosity makes me feel like a kid at Christmas.

  He shakes his head. “I have to leave and this is something we need to talk about. But before I go…” His hand snakes down the sides of my body. When he reaches my hip, one hand moves to my center to test the moisture levels. My climate is ripe for the taking and boy does he take me.

  When he finally leaves the bed for the shower, I watch his perfect body with awe. He’s always been a specimen to behold. As his backside disappears into my bathroom, I hustle out after him. By the time he leaves for Baltimore, snow is starting to fall steadily. Nervous about the weather, I wait on pins and needles until he calls to let me know he got home safely.

  The rest of my Sunday is spent taking care of the little things like cleaning up and laundry because I’ll be busy soon. I start a new engagement on Monday. The offices where I’ll be working the next few weeks are located on the other side of the Potomac in old town Alexandria, Virginia. It will just put more distance between Andy and me. I have to seriously consider a move so that we are closer together because waking up without him bothers me, too.

  The amount of snow we’ve gotten before the official start of winter has all the news organizations talking on Monday morning. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t go home for Thanksgiving. That and I wanted to spend it with Andy. It was a quiet affair, the two of us cooking a dinner for the both of us. He got called into the hospital once. He wasn’t gone that long. Otherwise, we spent the weekend together and it was really nice. It made me want what he was offering that much more.

  I sit in my living room enjoying a leisurely cup of coffee. Our offices are closed again today because the storm hit us head on. The federal government is closed and that means DC is practically shut down. Many businesses follow the feds as a rule for office closings because the feds rarely do since DC has an extensive public transportation system.

  “You are coming to my Christmas party, right?” Jenna’s voice sounds loud and clear as I’m reminded I’m talking on the phone.

  “I don’t know.”

  “You have to. It’s like bestie code or something. Bring him with you.”

  “That’s the thing. I’m not sure I’m ready for everyone to pry into the fact that we’re together again,” I say, even though Andy suggested we come clean.

  “People are going to find out soon enough.”

  She is right. “Still, don’t you think I should sit down and talk to everyone, not show up at a party with him on my arm? There is Ben to consider.”

  Jenna sigh is loud and dramatic.

  “Ben’s going through his own thing right now. I think some woman has crawled under his skin and turned him inside out. I don’t even know who my brother is anymore.”

  “Oh, is it—”

  “Don’t say her name and jinx it.”

  We laugh for a few seconds before Jenna sobers.

  “Really Cate, you can’t hide this. You’re going to have to be honest.”

  “I know. I just don’t want to hear everyone’s opinion. And what if Ben hates us for it? He was there. He was there for all of it. He watched me walk away.”

  “Are you back there again? No one hates you. I thought you’ve given up that guilt. That’s not what you need while you’re rebuilding your relationship. Did you just tell me he hinted at moving in together?”

  “Yes, and I don’t know what to do. If I move, I’ll have to get a car. It’s a lot.”

  “You can always move back to Charleston and be close to me.”

  I laugh a little before I tell her the truth about something. “I can never move back to Charleston. All the old hurts and mistakes I made are there. I can never be settled there.”

  “But you will visit.”

  “Yes,” I say, even though I wish I never had to.

  My parents, his parents, some of our best friends are lifers in Charleston. I may not be able to call it home, but it will always be home to my family and his.

  Winter-like weather continues to batter the city through early December. It isn’t until the following Friday I get to see Andy again. There is a holiday party at his office tonight and one at the hospital tomorrow. I’ve packed a bag as I plan to spend the whole weekend with him. The Uber rides are costly but cheaper and less of a hassle than maintaining a car. However, I have started to look at cars on the off chance I decide to move in with Andy.

  I’m dressed to impress in a subdued, sexy number that won’t shock the doctors Andy works with, but won’t age me unnecessarily either. I spent a fair amount of time with Mandy searching for the right dress.

  When I get to Andy’s door, his expression says it all.

  “Jesus, Cate, I’m surprised the cabbie didn’t kidnap you. That dress is—”

  “Good?”

  He nods and I lean in to kiss him. His arm snakes around my back as he draws me up against his hardening cock.

  “Happy to see me?” I ask with a smirk, as I pull back slightly.

  “I’m always happy to see you.”

  He glances at the phone in his hand. “We could be
fashionably late.”

  “Or,” I say raising an eyebrow, “We can be on time.”

  “Cate.” I can hear the protest in his voice.

  “I don’t want the doctors you work with to think I’m the one causing you to be late. First impressions, remember.”

  “Once they see you,” he says, stepping back and eyeing me up and down, “they will forgive me for being late. In fact, I’ll probably get bonus points for showing up at all.”

  I can’t help but laugh. “How about I give you some attention on the ride over?”

  His brows shoot up and I give him a wide grin. He takes my bags and drops them on the table. “After you, my lady.”

  I giggle as he pats my butt on the way out. I love how carefree our relationship has gotten. And true to my word, I give him the promised happy ending on the ride to his office.

  My palms begin to sweat as we take the elevator up. He’s explained to me that with the new laws surrounding medical care for all, their office had to cut spending. The small holiday party is being held in house to save money. Less money spent on frivolous things means more money in the hands of the doctors themselves. Still, they wanted to have the party, and the doctor Andy has been covering is coming with her new baby.

  “Cate, you have no reason to be nervous,” Andy says with an arm around my back.

  “Easy for you to say. What if they don’t like me?”

  Andy stares at me. “I work with them. It’s not like they are my family.”

  And isn’t that the crux of the problem?

  “And what will your family say when I show up with you at Christmas?”

  “It will be fine, Cate.”

  The doors open and too soon I’m ushered into a glass front office. There are a few people milling about. We don’t have any more time to talk about the week to come.

  The doctors are friendly as Andy introduces me, but it’s the baby who steals the show. The infant is carefully passed around after hands are disinfected with liquid sanitizer. When it’s my turn, I feel the tears begin to form in the back of my eyes. I want this. I want a baby and a family. And I want it with Andy. The possibility of this could be derailed depending on how our week goes. I know Andy wants to think that it will be okay. But I’ve broken Andy’s heart once.