Cruel & Beautiful

by A. M. Hargrove

  “Cate,” Andy says. He glances to the woman in front of me waiting to take the small bundle from my arms.

  I hand the baby off and I immediately feel like something’s missing. The tiny baby who smells like powder makes me want too much in a short few minutes. I sip at the glass of wine Andy hands me and try not to think so hard about a future I want and may not get.

  Later as the party wraps up, one of the older doctors with only a small thatch of white hair that clings to the crown of his head, speaks.

  “Well Cate, what’s the verdict?”

  I glanced up confused by the question that’s directed at me.

  “Verdict?”

  “We’re all hoping Drew will stay with us. And the way he speaks of you, I think his decision largely depends on you.”

  I turn my head to the side and glare at Drew. He gives me a sheepish smile.

  “Actually, I haven’t had a chance to talk to Cate about your offer yet.”

  “Oh,” the man says. “Sorry, we are all just so pleased with Drew’s accomplishments so far. He will make a great addition to the team. And of course, a second office in DC will expand our client base.”

  “DC,” I say to no one in particular.

  That sparks conversation all around me. Drew uses the opportunity to draw me down the hall away from everyone. He pulls me into an office and closes the door.

  “Andy, what’s going on?”

  He takes my hands and my heart begins to race.

  “I planned to talk to you about this later tonight. I didn’t expect they would put me or you on the spot like this.”

  My eyes are wide because I don’t know what he’s about to do.

  “Cate, I love you and I always have, you know this.”

  I nod. I’m so very afraid he’ll get on one knee. I’m not sure I’m ready for that.

  “Roslyn is coming back part-time to the office. However, they want to bring me on full time. To help justify the cost, they want to open a satellite office in DC. I’ll be there most of the time but will have a couple of days in Baltimore a month and will rotate hospital hours in both DC and Baltimore. It means I could move to DC.”

  “That’s great,” I say.

  His smile dips. “You don’t seem happy.”

  “It’s not that. I’m just overwhelmed. It’s a lot. But it sounds like a fantastic opportunity.”

  Even I know the smile on my face is a little weak. I try to crank it up because isn’t this what I’ve wanted?

  The delight on his face falls. “You don’t want us to move into together.”

  “I’m not saying that. I just need some time.”

  He nods. “You’re right. I’ve grown to enjoy the area, but I’ll be honest with you. You sweeten the deal. If you don’t want this, if you don’t want me …”

  He stops, not finishing his thought. I want to tell him everything is great. The words are stuck in my throat for reasons that make me itch to run. I promised him I wouldn’t.

  He takes my hand and opens the door. He leads me back to the main room as hugs are being doled out and coos are being made over the baby. I feel like I’m having an out of body experience. I can’t explain what’s come over me and why I’m not happy when moments ago, I was dreaming of babies with Andy.

  The drive back to his place is quiet. We get undressed and do our nightly ritual without saying much. I know Andy is hurt and I never meant to be the one to hurt him. It’s almost awkward when we climb into bed. Still he pulls me close.

  “Cate,” he says softly.

  “Yes.” I feel the panic rising in me, unsure what he will say or ask of me.

  “I want this shot at a future with you. You have all the reasons in the world to be scared. And I know you said you wouldn’t run. But I won’t hold you hostage. If you can’t be with me, it will hurt like hell, but I would rather you say it.”

  I keep my clam trap shut at first. He lets out a long suffering breath of air. I meet his pleading eyes.

  “I’m scared.” It’s a truth he deserves to know.

  “What are you scared of?”

  “Everything. I’m scared of how people will react when they find out. Mostly, I’m scared my heart can’t handle breaking a second time.”

  “No one else matters. Just you and I. And I swear Cate, I won’t break your heart.”

  “You can’t guarantee that.”

  He doesn’t counter because he knows there is truth in my words. Instead, he wraps strong arms around me and holds me tight. He strokes my hair while I let out quiet sobs.

  When finally the tears ease and I can speak, I whisper the words, “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.” He breathes the phrase and I find myself searching and listening to the beat of his heart. It’s a long time before I can sleep.

  Tomorrow is the party at the hospital. His future partners will be there. I need to have some answers for Andy in the morning and I fear what I want. I don’t think I’ll be able to feel solid about our relationship until it’s out in the open with our family and friends. That means I need to tell him about Jenna’s party. No doubt Ben will be there.

  IN HIS ARMS, I WAKE up feeling safe. I lay still, content in his comforting embrace. I want to memorize his smell, his touch, his love, so I’ll never forget it. And I know it’s the past that continues to haunt me. Yet, he’s still here even after my minor freak out over finding out he wants to stay in the area for me.

  When he begins to stir, I turn to face him.

  “Good Morning.”

  He presses his lips to mine. “Morning.”

  I reach to twine my fingers in his hair. “Your hair is getting long.”

  He gives me an impish grin. “I know. You want to cut it for me?”

  I shake my head, knowing I’m dancing around the unspoken issue, so I push forward. “About last night…”

  He takes my hand and presses a soft kiss to my fingertips. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have sprung that on you, especially with everyone there watching.”

  “It’s wasn’t your fault,” I say. He hadn’t been the one to bring it up. “And besides, I want you to stay.”

  A cautious smile blossoms on his face. “Are you sure?”

  “I am, but…” I hesitate because this is the hard part. “We have to tell our family and friends.”

  As much as it scares me, it has to happen.

  He nods, and his expression sobers. “Are you going home for Christmas?”

  “I’m going down for the week.”

  His words don’t falter, which makes me wonder if he’s already thought about this.

  “We can tell everyone then. I have to work most of the week. I should make it into Charleston by Christmas Eve.”

  I remember something I haven’t yet brought up. It seems both of us have been holding back just a little.

  “Jenna’s having a Christmas Eve party.”

  He nods like he already knew.

  “It’s a good place to start.”

  His eyes hold me like an anchor, so I press forward.

  “Ben.” It’s both a statement and question. I know he understands.

  “It will be fine.”

  I shake my head. “Easy for you to say. No one will hate you.”

  He’s quick with a retort.

  “Cate, no one will hate you either. I’m surprised Jenna didn’t crack and tell Ben about us already.”

  Frankly, I am too. “He’ll be mad we kept this from him.”

  “Babe.” He kisses me softly. “We can’t worry about everyone else’s feelings. This is about us. And you are it for me and you have been.”

  He clears his throat, only to cover his mouth with a fist and let out a cough.

  My body locks up as if I’ve been flash-frozen.

  Slowly, I force the words out of my mouth. “Are you okay?”

  He nods, but coughs again. “It’s nothing, a tickle in the back of my throat.”

  I say nothing. He’s not stupid. He knows what’s r
unning through my head.

  “Cate, babe, it’s the season for colds and flu. I see patients every day. They have germs. I’m okay. I swear. I probably shouldn’t kiss you, though.”

  He gives me a teasing grin, but doesn’t let me respond. He soothes my worried soul with tender touches and wondrous kisses on my body. I lose myself in feelings that aren’t emotions. He makes me forget that life is fragile, that we are fragile.

  We spend a lazy morning in bed and he hasn’t coughed anymore. I’ve let the worry go for now. At some point, he gets up and makes us breakfast. I feel so spoiled I show him my appreciation in all the ways that has him gripping my hair and calling out my name.

  I don’t even know how we make it to the hospital’s Christmas party later that evening. Andy holds my hand as we walk into the ballroom of the hotel next to the hospital.

  “Convenient,” I say to Andy as he ushers me through the front doors.

  “They wanted staff to be able to come over and be close if they are called back in case of an emergency.”

  The dress code isn’t black tie. People come in a variety of outfits from very causal to semi-formal. The black dress I’m wearing is somewhere in the middle. As I take in the room, which isn’t as fancy as the balls I’ve been to over the past few months, the décor is nice and more comfortable than some pretentious places I’ve been. I’m not sure what to expect, but it isn’t the warm welcome I get from Becca.

  “Hi. Cate, isn’t it?”

  I smile. Andy is behind me speaking to some of his colleagues and Becca is positively beaming. Before she can say anything else, a man not much taller than her comes over and slips an arm around her waist. Her face lights up and I understand where her glow comes from. I couldn’t be happier for her.

  A hand gently touches the small of my back and I turn to the side to see Andy standing next to me. A little more than cordially, he says, “Becca, Fredrick.”

  Becca gives Drew a megawatt smile and Fredrick matches her.

  “Drew,” he says. “And this must be—” says Fredrick, the ginger, with a possessive arm around Becca.

  “Cate,” I say holding out my hand.

  “Nice to meet you.”

  He gives me a business handshake while Becca smiles at Drew. “Fredrick tells me I have you to thank for convincing him to ask me out. He says you gave him the push he needed to take the chance.”

  Drew laughs as if she’s exaggerated the story. “He was almost there. I just got him to realize that sometimes it’s good to take a risk.”

  His eyes brush over me and I wonder if he thought I was a risk when I kept running from him.

  She steps in and gives Drew a quick friendly hug. I’m surprised when I feel no hint of jealousy. It’s clear she’s smitten with Fredrick. “Thanks.” Then in almost a whisper, she adds, “I think he could be the one.”

  Her smile borders on shy as she steps back and lets Fredrick put his arm around her. I start to calculate when this all happened, considering her bold statement of Fredrick being her one. Only someone calls out the name Drew from across the room. We turn and see Désirée barreling toward us. She stops short when she sees me.

  “Drew?”

  I’m not sure why there is a question in her voice. I glance over my shoulder and see that Becca and Fredrick have been roped into another conversation. So I don’t feel so bad that we’ve rudely turned away from them.

  “Désirée, I’m surprised to see you here. This is a staff event,” Andy says questioningly.

  “I’m on the board now.” Her tone is brusque and she’s busy checking out all the places we touch as Andy has me tucked against his side. “I hear that you might be moving to another hospital.”

  She glances between us.

  “I’m moving to DC to be closer to Cate,” Andy says matter-of-factly.

  For a second, her eyes narrow before they open with wide-eyed, fake glee. “Congratulations. I hope to get a wedding invitation soon.”

  She’s probing and I’m prepared with an answer, but Andy beats me to it.

  “We’ll be sure to mail you one.”

  It’s hard to hold back a snicker as her smile flattens out. I know she expected that he’s say something to contradict her. Instead, he’s given her exactly what she doesn’t want to hear.

  “Great, I look forward to it.” She spins on her heels and stalks away.

  I let the laugh come out that I’ve been holding back.

  “That was brilliant. Too bad we have no invitation to send.”

  Andy’s magnetic blue eyes gaze into mine. “You never know.”

  My hand stills midair with the wine glass I’ve been holding. I’m not sure what to say to that.

  “Drew,” another person calls and we are pulled into another introduction and conversation.

  Later, I’m finally able to step away as a long winded doctor draws Drew into a conversation with so many nonsensical five syllable words, my head starts to spin. I’ve just picked up one of the yummy calamari appetizers when a woman steps into my personal space.

  Her blonde hair is carefully styled in an updo, but I recognize her as the one who couldn’t keep her lips to herself and off of Drew.

  “You may have won this round, but if you manage to marry him, you’ll still lose. Half of the doctors here cheat on their spouses with nurses and other staff. I mean, they spend more time with us than they do at home with their spouses.”

  Everything about her looks angry.

  I can’t stop the quick retort that barrels out of my mouth. “You realize that if you didn’t walk around with a sneer on your face, any one of the single guys here tonight would ask you out. You’re an attractive woman whose beauty is hidden behind hate and envy. A genuine smile and happy thoughts would go a long way toward getting a man that wants you. And a bit of advice—no man wants to be chased. Men like to do the chasing.”

  I think of HockeyHo as I shake my head feeling so sorry for the woman before me. I pivot and plow right into Andy. He must have come up while I was talking.

  “Cate.” My name is but a whisper from his sly and half parted smile. He leans down and kisses me right in front of the woman and anyone else nearby to see.

  I still don’t know her name, but I don’t care either—especially while Andy is touching me. He puts an arm around me and I turn back to face her. Only she’s stalking off before we can share any other words.

  “I sure am one lucky woman.” I glance up at the man I call mine.

  Andy appears mystified. “Why is that?”

  “My boyfriend is like a super star.”

  He gives me a cheeky grin. “I’m lucky too. Do you know how many guys have come up to me tonight and begged me to tell them you were just my sister so they could ask you out?”

  I shake my head. “No way.”

  “Yes, way, my beautiful Cate.”

  He makes me feel beautiful, but I don’t say it. Instead, I teasingly say, “So it’s my beauty you want.”

  “Pot and kettle and all that. You called me a mega model.” He winks at me.

  “Did not.” I playfully slap at his arm. “Super star, Doctor extraordinaire, the man who could have any one he wants.”

  “And he wants only one woman. The one before me. So why don’t you let me take you home so I can get even luckier?”

  He kisses me again before we leave the party and when we get back to his place, he makes good on his promise.

  Days later when I arrive at my parents’ house in Charleston for the holidays, I sit in the kitchen with my mother.

  “You can’t stay more than a couple of days?” Mom pouts.

  “I promised Jenna I would help get her place ready for the party. It’s just easier if I stay with her.”

  I don’t want to feel like a kid sleeping at my parents’ house. They will want to know my every move, especially with my younger sister and brother at home. I plan to spend every night with Andy when he arrives. Which is why I’m staying with Jenna and not them because they
would never allow it.

  “You’re coming Christmas morning to open presents.”

  I sigh. “Mom, I’m not five.”

  “I know. But you’ll always be my baby.”

  She kisses the top of my head and I feel bad.

  “I’ll be by Christmas day at some point.” I take in a deep breath and just say the words I’ve been thinking about all day. “And I’ll be bringing Drew with me.”

  I don’t bother calling him Andy because that’s not how they know him and they will think I’m talking about someone else.

  Shannon breezes into the kitchen. “So what’s this about Drew coming?”

  My sister is apparently still boy crazy. I don’t remember being that bright eyed every time a hot guy’s name was mentioned in a conversation. She was like this a few years ago and nothing’s changed. Mom says nothing while she continues to cut out Christmas shapes in the cookie dough when she pauses. I decide to clarify my words. “Drew and I are back together.”

  Mom doesn’t acknowledge my words, only continues what she was doing being uncharacteristically quiet.

  Shannon, on the other hand, goes for sarcasm. “Of course you are. I bet he’s giving it to you real good.”

  “Shannon Forbes,” Mom warns. “Stop being sassy. Go upstairs and clean your room.”

  She heads out and my brother walks in. “What’s going on?” he asks when he spots the fury on Mom’s face.

  “Cate is shacking up with her boyfriend and doesn’t want to tell Mom.”

  Eric shakes his head and does an about-face as I yell, “I am not shacking up with Drew.”

  Shannon waves a dismissive hand and I’m left alone with Mom whose stewing on Shannon’s words or mine. I’m not sure. It could be both.

  After agonizing moments, she finally says, “Are you sure that’s a good idea that you and Drew get back together?”

  I’ve expected a reaction, just not that one. “Why?”

  “Catelyn, you and I both know how hard everything was on you. Are you sure you can handle this?”

  “Hard on me? I’m the one that ran. Do you not like him or something?”