Cruel & Beautiful

by A. M. Hargrove

  She’d never indicted she had a problem with him. I don’t understand why she’s on my side and not his.

  “It’s not that. He’s a fine young man. I’m just worried about you.”

  “Don’t be. I haven’t been this happy since,” I wave a hand in the air. “Since then.”

  I don’t tell her that I had the very fears she’s mentioned. I don’t want her to worry because Andy is great and he’s mine. Somehow, it will all work out.

  Dad walks in and glances at us. “What’s with the long faces?”

  I dive in headfirst and blurt, “I’m seeing Drew again.”

  Dad’s reaction is far different from Mom’s. He walks over and places a comforting hand on mine. “I’m glad. Now I understand that smile when you walked in the door, not that I’m complaining. Any man can make my baby happy, is good enough for me.”

  “Thanks Dad.”

  Mom doesn’t say any more over the next few days. Shannon does her best to annoy me and Eric and I play video games as he tells me about making the basketball team. Dad and I get a tree the next day and as a family we spend the time decorating it. It feels good to be home and I haven’t felt that way in a while.

  When I arrive at Jenna’s the next night, Ben is there.

  “Catie Bear,” Ben says wrapping me in a hug.

  I don’t correct him because Ben and I became best friends during all of the bad days that summer.

  “Ben, I feel like it’s been forever since we’ve talked.”

  “It has. And I hear you have news for me.”

  Damn, Jenna. But I’m surprised she’s hadn’t spilled the beans so far.

  “Drew.” I clear my throat because I’m more afraid of his reaction over my parents. “Drew and I are back together.”

  He nods, not as all surprised. “Figures. I guess I’m the last to know.”

  He gives me a look but it isn’t condemning.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t want anyone to know until we figured it out. I wasn’t sure if it would work. Plus, I wasn’t ready for the backlash.”

  “Backlash?”

  “I don’t want anyone mad because we’re together.”

  “Why would anyone be mad?”

  I stop and close my mouth for a second. “Isn’t it obvious? I walked away.” I amend that. “No, I ran. You were there. I wasn’t even sure he’d forgive me.”

  “What would he have to forgive? You did what you thought was best at that time. No one blames you, Cate. Least of all me.”

  I hug him and barely stop myself from crying. “I wasn’t sure how you and everyone would feel.”

  He pats my back while I continue to hold him tight. He’s like my big brother as much as he’s Jenna’s.

  “I’m happy for you, Cate. I’m happy for both of you. You deserve it.”

  As much as I’m grateful he’s fine with all of it, I worry about him too.

  “What about you?”

  He pulls back and I can see the sadness in his eyes. He shrugs and tries to give me a playful smile when he speaks, but I know he feels some truth of his words. “I’m all alone here in Charleston now.”

  I shake my head feeling like a mama bear that needs to protect her cub.

  “That’s not true. You’ve got Jenna. And you can always come up for a visit. We would love to have you.”

  He nods.

  “By the way. I heard you’re bringing someone to the party.”

  He shrugs. “She’s a warm body.”

  “Warm body, that’s not a very good description,” I say with halfhearted humor.

  “What do you want to know? She’s pretty and intelligent? Well, she is both of those things, but I’m not expecting any more than that. We all aren’t lucky to have what you two have, Cate. I’m not expecting a fairytale ending.”

  I narrow my eyes at him.

  “With an attitude like that, you won’t get one either. She could be your happily ever after if you give her a chance.”

  I see the humor leave him and he’s got his dead serious face on.

  “She can warm my bed, but nothing will thaw this cold heart.”

  He points to his chest and I place my hand there.

  “Don’t bullshit me Ben Rhoades. I know you now. You aren’t the cold-hearted bastard I used to think you were.” Which is probably the reason my crush on him died shortly after it began back when I was a preteen. He had a reputation of breaking hearts and bad boys were never my thing. “I feel your beating heart and you deserve to be happy.”

  “I am happy. I’m happy for you and Drew.” He steps away like he’s in a hurry. “Anyway, I’ve got to get going. I have to help my parents move furniture or something.” He grabs his coat. “It was really good seeing you, Cate.”

  Then he is gone. I stand there worried about him. He hasn’t been himself or so Jenna’s told me. When she comes downstairs with her purse, she says, “Where’s Benny?”

  I’m still trying to think how I can help him as I mutter, “He left, something about helping your parents.”

  She snickers. “I’m glad you’re here. I have an excuse not to go over there. Mom’s in her re-decorating mode. And ever since Dad put the brakes on her shopping, she rearranges furniture every month instead.” She rolls her eyes. “Let’s go find a dress. I need something that will make Brandon jealous.”

  Two nights later, I watch as Andy and Ben talk in one corner. Jenna and some cute guy chat in another. My parents and Jenna’s are sitting on the couch and other various people are having great animated conversations.

  For a Christmas Eve, I pronounce all is fine in the world. So far, everyone has taken the news well that I’m with Drew again.

  When the front door buzzes, I watch as Ben opens the door. When the McKnights, my in-laws walk in, Andy is immediately by my side. My heart races when their eyes lock on me, I know the conversation to come will be the hardest of any I’ve had so far.

  “AND? TELL ME ABOUT YOUR scans, Drew.” His expression, the downbeat look on his face, pretty much says it all. But he has to speak, and I know he needs to get it off his chest, even though he doesn’t want to tell me.

  He shakes his head. “It’s come back. I lit up the pictures like a fucking Christmas tree. It’s everywhere. I’m stopping all treatment.” He holds up his hand to prevent me from talking. “I’ve been in every one of their conferences, Cate. I know the outcome data on all the protocols and I’ve failed everything. I want to live what little there is left of my life feeling better than I do right now. I don’t have much time, but what I do have, I want those days to be enjoyable. I know this should probably be partly your decision, too, but I’m making it on my own. I have some things I need to take care of, business and personal things, and I wouldn’t be able to do a damn thing if I feel like shit all the time. I hope you can understand my point here. I’m sorry I’ve put you through all this shit.”

  He offers up a sad smile and I throw myself at him. I don’t know how I’ll live without him. One thing I do know—this world will be shit without Drew McKnight.

  “Me? You’re worried about me? I want you to at least consider trying, Drew.”

  “It’s no use, Cate. If I thought there was the slightest of chances, I would give it a go. But there isn’t. Try to understand.”

  The words I want to say I can’t, because I want to scream and yell. I want to shake him and tell him NO! Don’t give up.

  “Cate?”

  My head jerks up. “What?”

  “Look at me. I mean, really look at me. And take your blinders off.” He holds his arms out. “This is cancer, killing me. It’s what it does; it’s called advanced disease progression. I’m at the point of palliative care.”

  “I-I don’t know what that means.”

  “It means Rosenberg will make me comfortable with whatever he has to use. Pain meds, maybe some low doses of chemo.”

  “But you just said you were done trying chemo.”

  “For a cure. This would be for pain management
. That’s what palliative care is. I’ll be comfortable, I promise.” The ironic thing is his voice has a soothing quality to it.

  “Drew, are you good with this?”

  He lets out a short laugh. “I don’t really have a choice, do I?”

  No, he doesn’t. It’s not like he ordered this off the menu.

  “Jesus, I don’t know what to say.”

  “All I want you to say is that you accept my decision and pray for a miracle.”

  I look at him and say, “It’s not like I have a choice, do I?”

  He gives me a sheepish look and shakes his head. “No. I’m sorry.”

  I blow out a shaky breath. The time has come for me to face facts here. It’s not like I haven’t had these thoughts before. But when you’re presented with them like this, it’s like having ice water thrown in your face.

  I don’t know where the calm comes from, but I’m numb as I ask, “Do your parents know?”

  “Not yet. Will you go with me when I tell them?”

  “You know I will.” I lay my head on his chest. “What about Ben?”

  “I hope you don’t mind, but he’s on his way over.”

  “No. I don’t mind.” The truth is I’m kind of glad he’s coming.

  Ben never knocks, but for some reason, he does tonight. When I open the door, I can see the fear in his gray eyes. His dark brown hair is disheveled and I know why. He keeps running his hands through it, as he’s doing now. Then he jerks me into his arms and we stand there, two dazed souls, trying to comfort each other. We hear Drew’s voice calling from the other room.

  “Stop sniveling out there and get in here you two.”

  “Leave it to him to say something like that,” Ben says against my shoulder. Then he sniffs, wipes his eyes, and gives me a weak smile. Holding out his hand he asks, “Ready?”

  We walk in together and Ben asks, “Since when have I ever sniveled?”

  “Since you decided to take me on as your best friend and carry this cancer thing around with you.” Then Drew blurts out, “I’m not gonna make it, dude. This is my last hurrah.”

  “I figured that’s what you were gonna say. You wouldn’t have called my ass over here for anything else. Good news usually gets delivered with a phone call.”

  “Damn, the dude grew some neurons and they actually started firing.” Drew grins. Or tries to anyway.

  Ben shakes his head. “Every now and then my common sense flares its head.”

  Drew looks at me and says, “Cate, can you give us a minute?”

  It gives me the break I need so I run up to our bedroom and call Jenna. I’m nearly hyperventilating by the time she answers.

  “Hey and I know it’s not good. Ben’s already hit me up with his suspicions.”

  “He’s quitting everything,” I tell her and I explain.

  “Oh, Cate.” Her voice conveys her heartbreak. Then I hear her sniffing and it starts a round of my own.

  “What am I going to do?”

  “I don’t know, but you’ll be doing it in great company. You’ll have Ben, me, Letty, Ray, and your parents. Drew has quite the fan club and that means you’ll have tons of support.”

  “As great as that sounds, it won’t replace my husband.” And I turn into a sobbing mess. Jesus, if I can’t even think about it, how the fuck will I function through it?

  Jenna reads my mind because she says, between tears, “One hour at a time. Or maybe even one minute at a time. And sometimes, one breath at a time.”

  “I’d better get back down there and I’ve gotta pull myself together first.”

  “Cate, it’s okay if he sees you cry.”

  “Yeah, but I don’t want the rest of our days to be filled with nothing but that. I want his last days to be good, you know?”

  “I know. I’m here if you need me.”

  “You always are.”

  I go into the bathroom and look at the woman in the mirror. Red, puffy eyes with lips to match distort my face, and it has become my normal look lately. I splash cold water on me, hoping to rinse some of the swelling away, only I know that won’t do it. What I need is a five-pound bag of ice to do the trick.

  When I rejoin the guys, Ben looks as bad as I do, so I head to the liquor cabinet and pour him a tumbler full of Jameson. His hand shakes as he grabs it from me. Then I wedge myself next to Drew and wrap my arm through his.

  “Can I get you anything?” I ask.

  “I hate to make you get back up again.”

  “Dammit, Drew, I’d climb fucking Everest for you.” I teeter on another round of tears, and he pulls me into him.

  “Babe, all I want is one of those IPAs I love.”

  “I can handle that.” I fly off the couch and grab one out of the refrigerator and bring it back to him. I’m back in seconds.

  He laughs. “Cate, it’s not a race.”

  But it is. A race against time. The question hangs over me … how much? A year? Months?

  He knows and he says, “Babe, like I told Ben, it’s somewhere in the neighborhood of six months, give or take.”

  My hand clenches Drew’s thigh and my eyes connect with Ben’s. Six months. By summer he’ll be gone. I try to calculate in my accountant’s brain how many more nights I have with him. Six times thirty equals one eighty. One hundred and eighty days and nights with Drew. And then nothing.

  Ben empties his glass, jumps out of his seat, and pours himself another. I jump off the couch and run out the back door. Oddly enough, I don’t cry. I stare off into the distance and think about what I’ll do with myself minus the love of my life. I hear the door open and assume it’s Ben.

  “You must be going as crazy as I am, wondering what the fuck your life will be like without the most important person in it.”

  “Actually, I’m more worried about you than anything.”

  I turn to see Drew standing there. He walks up to me and wraps me in his warm embrace. I brace myself for his words.

  “Cate, listen to what I’m going to say. The reason I’m doing this is because I want my last days to be good ones, you know? I’m going to ask something really huge of you. I want you to take a leave of absence. I know you’re just kicking your career off, but I want you with me, every day, every hour, especially now, when I feel like doing things. Because right now I feel pretty good. And now that I’ll be off treatment, I’ll be even better. I want to go places, do things. Live. For the next five or six months, or however long I have, I want to hang out with Ben and Jenna, party, watch hockey, go to the beach, spend time with my parents and yours. If you’re working, we won’t be able to do half of these things. You know money isn’t an issue. Can you do this for me?”

  Without even thinking, I say, “You know I will. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be and honestly, I haven’t given work a thought. I’ll give Joseph a call tomorrow to see what I need to do.”

  For the first time since Chicago, I see his blue eyes sparkle. “Thank you.”

  This is my Drew. Thanking me for taking a leave of absence to watch him die. What the fuck do I say to that? He takes care of the awkwardness for me.

  “Oh, and Cate, do me a favor. We all know I’m going to die. Let’s not tiptoe around any of this. It will get really weird if you do. I’d rather lay this shit out on the table. You know? And not dance around the issue. And by the look on your face, I know I’ve just shocked you, but it’s the truth. No running into the closet with Ben and whispering behind my back anymore, okay?”

  “You’ve accepted all this, haven’t you?”

  “Yeah, and it’s sort of a release. My only concern is you.”

  I make a huge decision here. Not because I want to, but because I have to.

  “Stop. Right here and now, I want you to stop being so concerned about me. I’ll be fine with whatever happens. My choice is that you’d be here forever and ever, but if the powers that be choose otherwise, I’ll deal with it, Drew.”

  “You promise?”

  I make and X over my heart.
“Cross my heart and hope to die.”

  “Never do that.”

  “Okay, bad choice of words, but you know what I mean.”

  Then he grabs me and kisses me in a way he hasn’t in weeks.

  “Hey, have you all forgotten about me?” Ben asks, interrupting us.

  “No, I just had to kiss my wife,” Drew says.

  Then Ben twitches his brows and holds up a pipe. “Anyone wanna smoky smoke?”

  “Hell yeah,” Drew says.

  Boys will be boys, even if one is dying of cancer.

  The visit with Drew’s parents is as difficult as I’d imagined. How can you prepare yourself to tell your parents you have a terminal illness? Drew is as calm as can be, but I’m the one who has the most trouble. Letty and I cling to each other like static electricity. But they’re happy to hear that Joseph agreed to my six-month leave of absence. If it goes longer than that, I will have to give up my position. I don’t give a damn. Drew comes first as I explain to his parents.

  The next few months are filled with side trips to Asheville, Savannah, and Hilton Head, where Drew and I spend precious time together doing things he loves to do, like fishing, sailing, and sitting and watching the sunset. When we’re at home, Ben, his parents, my parents, and Jenna are usually there, not all at one time, but it’s a show of love and I’m thankful for every one of them.

  Four months have passed and Drew is holding his own. One day he suggests we take a vacation out to the California wine country. I’m shocked because it’s a long flight and the time change worries me because it might fatigue him.

  “Cate, I’ll sleep on the plane and they do have beds in California.”

  “I don’t want you to get run down.”

  “I won’t let myself. I promise.”

  He seems so strong, and if this is what he wants, who am I to deny him? But I do one thing first. I call Dr. Rosenberg and have a chat with him. He laughs. “Cate, Drew is a physician and also knows his limitations. If he wants to go, then go.”

  “But …”

  “But nothing. You both know what the eventuality is. Let him get his wish.”

  “You’re right.”

  If Drew wants the wine country, then he shall have it. And he gets it. We’re tipsy more than we’re sober, I think. One day Drew says, “I don’t think I’ve tried a wine I haven’t liked.”