Induced Coma
Page 1
FORT WAYNE, INDIANA
BOOKS BY HAROLD JAFFE
NONFICTION
Revolutionary Brain
Beyond the Techno-Cave: A Guerrilla Writer’s Guide to Post-
Millennial Culture
Nazis, Sharks & Serial Killers
DOCUFICTION
Induced Coma: 50 & 100 Word Stories
Anti-Twitter: 150 50-Word Stories
OD
Paris 60
Terror-Dot-Gov (visuals by Katana Blue)
15 Serial Killers (visuals by Joel Lipman)
False Positive
Son of Sam
NOVELS
Jesus Coyote
Othello Blues
Dos Indios
Mole’s Pity
FICTION COLLECTIONS
Sex for the Millennium
Straight Razor (visuals by Norman Conquest)
Eros Anti-Eros
Madonna and Other Spectacles
Beasts
Mourning Crazy Horse
Induced Coma
Copyright © 2014 by Harold Jaffe
First Anti-Oedipal Kindle Edition, September 2014
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author and publisher. Published in the United States by Anti-Oedipus Press, an imprint of Hawgstrüffel Media Group, Inc.
Cover Design © 2014 by Bradley Sharp
www.BradSharp.co.uk
Interior Layout by D. Harlan Wilson
www.DHarlanWilson.com
Anti-Oedipus Press
Fort Wayne, IN
www.Anti-OedipusPress.com
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Gratitude to Andy O’Clancy and KM Seehaus for reading my manuscript and making suggestions.
Terrorism is the war of the poor
War is the terrorism of the rich
CONTENTS
Induced Coma
Raw Steak
Triage
Silicon
Freeze-Dry
Gangsta
Australian Boys
Doctors Amputated
Surgical Towel
5-Inch Knife
The Pope’s Cologne
Grits
Demented
E-Everything
Pricked
Brit Love
High Low
Spelunk
Claustro
Lonely People
Gluteoplasty
Vodka
Overdue Blake
Einstein
Tiresias
Dostoyevsky
Cezanne
My Erection
Urinal
Peeing for Distance
Toilet Seat
Naruto
Lolita
Stink Bomb
Pet Girl
Freely
She (2)
Abduct
A Pascagoula
Burn
A Young Man
Slimed
Tarantula
Black Widow
Queef
Anonymous
Correspondence
Hitler Fart
Mafia Croc
Pig Spleen
Snake Does Golf
Biofuel
Tyger
Wombat
Hippo
Bald Eagles
Marius
Nuclear Waste
Holy Semen
Lug Nut
Steak Knife & Nut Wrench
Pierce
Texas Fat
Egg in Texas
Goog
Loving Robots
Neticide
A Bangladeshi
A Bangladeshi
Bela Lugosi
Undead
Bela Lugosi
Dead Man Joking
War Story
Osama
Obama
World Peace
Sharkteeth
Niqab
Millions of Women
Thigh Gap
Housework
A Pair of Historic Sex Toys
Bed-Warmer
Fat Flyers
Ugly
9/11
911
50 Drunk Santas
Snowman Creep
The Schizophrenia Supporter Success Kit
Schizo Speaks
Stella
Jacko’s White Glove
Her Mangled
Vidcam Shades
Walmart
Walmart
Last Lines
6th Mass Extinction
Murfreesboro
Short Rage
Things to Do
Rockstar ’69
Coke $$
Thong
Neutral
Define
Swallow
Sex Offenders
Sex Offenders
Things to Do
Cancer
Couch Potato
A Hunting Dog
Jelly
Skinks
Conjoined
Twin
Twins
Mantis Shrimps
Esperanto
Wanted
How Do I Start!!!
Online Nude
Third World Taboos
Machete
Severed
Trans
The Yorkshire Ripper
Turnpike Turkey
Romping
Nuns on Bikes
Guinness
Guinness
Hot Sauce
Marcel
DIY
Futurismo
Brainwave
Boot
Cucumber Coffin
Funkee Hairstyles
Hypo
A Chinese
Galina Korzhova
Mephisto
One Stolen Shoe
Smoothie
Testicle
The Almost-Planet Pluto
Dialogues with Death
Noir
Induced Coma
is increasingly common in medical procedures.
Patients lapsing back to real time claim it’s a sweet space.
Coma-land.
Parallel world, noiseless, zero technology.
You can hang there for a long time like Jesus without nails.
But isn’t this coma-land of yours just a degraded version of Nirvana?
Absolutely.
Raw Steak
A female was detained after hitting a male in the face with raw steak.
She hit him with raw steak after he refused sliced bread.
The male said he wanted a bread roll.
The female admitted hitting him with raw steak, saying she did it “so he could learn.”
Triage
As his wife screamed desperately in murky river water, the frantic New Zealander abandoned a bid to rescue his 9-year-old son to rescue his wife.
The New Zealander’s son drowned but he managed to save his wife after her car had plunged into the Whanganui river in dense fog.
Silicon
A Korean couple allowed their biological child to starve to death because of their addiction to rearing a virtual child in a “Second-Lifestyle” game online called Silicon.
They would feed their unnamed three-month-old baby only when not at 12-hour online sessions, obsessed with raising their internet child, called Kim.
Freeze-Dry
Doctors are attempting to freeze-dry a severely disabled girl, 9-years-old, to keep her child-size at her parents’ request.
Born with static encephalopathy, she cannot walk or talk and has the mental capacity of a month-old infant.
Watch the child twist her mouth grotesquely and emit animal noises. [Vid
eo]
Gangsta
A 4-year old is nabbed for indecent exposure and a 6-year-old is arrested for armed robbery, as the lawlessness spreads.
Recent statistics include a child of 5 assaulting a nun and a pair of stoned, pierced 9-year-olds driving stolen buses.
Obtained under the Freedom of Information Act, 1753-and-a-half crimes a year are committed by “under 10s,” with the real figure thought to be much higher.
An expert laid the blame squarely on parents and pre-school teachers: “Kids run amok because they have never been taught what is acceptable behavior. The adult world has failed them.”
Australian Boys
are more violent than American boys.
976 males aged 12 to 16 in Melbourne and Philadelphia were asked if in the previous year they’d attacked someone with the idea of doing serious harm.
16.8 percent of Aussie boys said they had, compared with 13.3 percent of the Philly boys.
Doctors Amputated
the healthy leg of an 83-year-old man, then, realizing their error, amputated his healthy arms.
Finally, they came to their senses & amputated his diseased leg.
“I was shocked when I raised the sheets & saw they had taken all his limbs,” the man’s daughter told radio station PPQ.
Surgical Towel
Surgeons who operated on a 53-year-old Japanese man to remove a “tumor” had good news and funky news for him. He did not have cancer, but the “growth” that had been causing him pain was a 27-year-old surgical towel.
“The surgical towel was greenish blue though we are not sure about its original color,” the Asahi General Hospital spokesperson admitted. “It was crumpled to the size of a baseball.”
Hospital officials visited the man, who was not identified, and humbly apologized for their 27-year-old error.
While in the operating room the man had his spleen removed.
5-Inch Knife
He walked into Starbucks with a 5-inch knife sticking out of his chest, ordered decaf cappuccino, borrowed a cellphone from a patron, phoned 911 for an ambulance, told the operator he’d been stabbed and was drinking cappuccino “because it’s cold outside.”
He died in Starbucks before the ambulance arrived.
The Pope’s Cologne
is composed from the secret formula of Pope Pius IX (1792-1878).
We obtained the formula from descendants of Pius’s Papal Guard commander and lifelong companion, General Didier LeGrande.
We followed the complex, exclusive formula meticulously, using the same essential oils that the papal perfumers reverently employed 200 years ago.
This is a truly exquisite cologne with a captivating freshness, featuring notes of columbine, rue, red cedar, bergamot, and natural musk (which contains enticing pheromones.)
It is an honor for us to be able to produce this historically elite cologne and make it available for your purchase today.
Grits
A 44-year-old woman was booked after pouring boiling grits onto her sleeping boyfriend, causing second-degree burns on his groin and legs.
Back from work, they bickered.
He threatened to quit her.
He fell asleep.
Query: She had coffee and bean soup on the stove—why douse
him with grits?
Demented
40 million people around the world are demented.
An ominous forecast as the population grays.
The new count is 14 percent higher than scientists predicted just a year ago.
Barring a medical miracle dementia will double every 20 years.
By 2050, it will affect virtually everyone.
E-Everything
In this era of social networking, cloud computing & e-everything, we routinely entrust our identities to the corporate sectors.
But to what extent can we trust them?
What’s your approach to online privacy?
I steer away from social network sites like the plague; don’t want my shit online.
I use pseudonyms and fake email addresses, so no worries.
Only thing I’ve signed up for online is free porn.
I always carry at least one condom in my wallet but still worry about infection.
I’ll sign up for anything. If someone cops my identity, I’ll cop someone else’s.
Pricked
He pricked her twice with the sewing needle while she slept.
She discovered a sting-like mark on her left thigh.
Later she saw him in the garage with a syringe full of blood.
In September, she found she was HIV-positive.
Police charged the offending male 43 days later.
Brit Love
The chance of finding the perfect partner in Britain is almost nil.
I am a professional pale male, nationality British, aged 33. Statistically, there are 26 females in London with whom I might have a comparatively smart & sexy relationship. Translation: On a given night out in London there is a 0.0000034 percent chance of meeting a special female. That’s 1 in 285,000.
Select one of the following:
The stats may sound depressing to people looking for love, but the so-so good news is it’s probably not your fault.
Lousy odds, but who said being British was easy.
High Low
At 3 PM, the Swiss climber Jean-Pierre Culotte, “elated, exultant,” stood on the roof of the world in bright sunlight gazing down at the Himalayas.
Now Mount Everest is his grave, because minutes later he suddenly went blind, had to be abandoned, perished from the cold.
Spelunk
The Utah cave where a medical student suffocated to death last week will be closed and his body will stay put.
The announcement said it was too dangerous to try to recover the spelunker’s body.
He died hours after getting wedged into an unmapped passage of Nutty Putty Cave.
Claustro
No spelunking in Katmandu
No descent into Les Catacombes de Paris
No corporate building elevator on weekends
No cramped basement toilet in Marseilles
No swimming underwater in the echoing indoor pool
No scuba-doo in Quintana Roo
No Poe tales of interment
No sexy choking games such as upper caste Brits play
No entering the commercial aircraft until the air conditioning is on
No MRI tube
No execution by hanging
No Peter Greenaway films
No confinement in “black” rendition camps
No drinking alone after midnight
No being stuck in a nun’s habit in a Bunuel satire
No confessional box, Father
Lonely People
Loneliness is contagious, reports a US research team.
It spreads among people & females are especially vulnerable.
Lonely people transmit their lonely feelings to others.
Societies develop a natural tendency to shed lonely people; this was confirmed in lab tests on gerbils.
These shedding effects mean that our social fabric can fray at the edges like a loose yarn at the end of a crocheted sweater.
Because loneliness is associated with mental and physical diseases that shorten life, it is crucial that we help those affected with loneliness before they wrench away from us, out of sight.
Gluteoplasty
A former Miss Brazil, 36, died while undergoing cosmetic surgery on her buttocks.
Friend: “The procedure involved injections and the liquid went to her lungs and brain. A woman with everything died for a firmer behind.”
Surgeon: “She arrived with acute respiratory deficiency. Her degraded condition enabled the embolism.”
Vodka
Male swallows a liter of top-shelf vodka rather than surrender it to airport personnel (who themselves would drink it after hours).
New regulations designed to obstruct terroris
m (which the “First World” itself provoked) prohibit passengers from carrying quantities of liquid onto aircraft. (Does that apply equally to first- and biz-class passengers?)
Informed at a security check that he would have to relinquish the vodka or pay a hefty fee to have his carry-on bag checked as cargo, the male opened the bottle, chugged the liquor down on the spot, passed out, died.