Induced Coma
Page 2
Unofficial cause of death: global nausea.
Overdue Blake
A librarian reported that two volumes of William Blake’s “prophetic books” were returned after 55 years along with a $1,800 check.
The Blakes were borrowed in November 1959.
The human who sent the check requested anonymity.
The librarian said the overdue Blakes would be replaced on the shelves straightaway.
Einstein
suffered from Asperger’s Syndrome.
As a child, he repeated words obsessively.
As an adult, he made friends, had affairs, spoke out on political issues.
Passion, genius, and standing up for justice are compatible with Asperger’s.
What sufferers fail at utterly is narrow functionality in or out of the work-place.
Tiresias
You’re an old blind guy with titties. What are you doing outside Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Prophesizing.
Kool. What’s going to happen to me tomorrow?
You will get into a violent quarrel with a noble stranger at a crossroads. You will kill him. That same day you will marry a high-born woman your mother’s age . . .
I’ve always gravitated to older women. I hope it’s not because I’m secretly queer. Will we live happily ever after?
Parricide, incest, pestilence, self mutilation, unremitting self-loathing, solitary exile . . .
You say exile. Will that mean no online access?
Dostoyevsky
For several seconds I experience a joy impossible to describe—an absolute harmony with the world. For those seconds of bliss one would exchange all of life.
You so-called healthy people have no idea what joy is. That joy we epileptics experience for an instant before we seize.
Cezanne
Underestimated while alive, he compels himself to believe that “innocence” alone will possess clear eyes.
While Cezanne and his apprentice are painting in natural surroundings, a child pulls away from her mother and father to approach the painters.
Immediately she points to the apprentice’s canvas, exclaiming: “Mama, this one!”
My Erection
is provisioned with every appliance of pleasure.
Hyper-advanced technology thin as your fingernail.
Psychotropic agents to zoom/vroom/sex/sext.
Exercise emporia headlining steroidal trainers.
Salon baths.
Dancers, acrobats, naked jugglers.
Che-sized cigars from US-embargoed Cuba.
My erection will defy the pestilence.
Let the external world suffocate on its own vomit.
Urinal
A 78-year-old Frenchman was detained after assaulting a plain porcelain urinal with a hammer.
Called “Fountain,” the urinal, a replica of Marcel Duchamp’s 1917 original, was on display at the Pompidou Centre in Paris.
Police said the man had urinated on the same object at an exhibition in Nimes in 2010.
Duchamp initially rescued the urinal from the trash on a Paris suburb street, added the signature “R Mutt” and displayed it in an exhibition.
Its estimated worth is 18 million euros.
The assailant claimed his hammer attack and urination constituted a “Dadaist intervention” that Duchamp would have appreciated.
Peeing for Distance
Eleven private security guards attached to the US embassy in Kabul have been sacked over claims they took part in drunken orgies and lewd bullying rituals.
The Project on Government Oversight, a watchdog group, reported that guards brawled, held peeing-for-distance competitions, and drank vodka from each other’s buttocks.
Toilet Seat
A woman sat on a toilet for so long that the seat adhered to her flesh.
Her live-in boyfriend finally contacted the sheriff who arrived with 2 deputies (all three had shaved heads) and found the woman physically stuck to the toilet.
Evidently she’d refused to come out of the bathroom for 2 years, and had been sitting on the toilet continuously for 8-and-a-half months.
She has been placed under the protection of the state.
Her boyfriend, meanwhile, has been detained on an unrelated charge of lewd and lascivious behavior for exposing himself to an adolescent neighbor.
Naruto
A 10-year-old boy died a day after playmates buried him.
Cody asked his friends to bury his head in a sandbox to mimic the cartoon character “Naruto,” an aspiring ninja who plays pranks & hides by burying himself then breathing through a tube.
Cody was uncovered when his playmates realized he had stopped breathing.
The five playmates, interviewed separately under oath, told the Snohomish County Sheriff’s Office that Cody’s burial idea came from the cartoon.
Naruto is “insanely popular right now with boys about 8 to 15,” said a source, who publishes a blog on video games & animation.
Lolita
A retail store chain in Britain has withdrawn the sale of beds named Lolita, designed for little girls, after furious parents insisted the name was synonymous with sexually active pre-teens.
“Lolita” is a 1955 novel by the Russian Nabokov in which the narrator seduces his 12-year-old stepdaughter.
Staff who administer the website selling the beds never heard of the classic novel, hence saw nothing wrong with advertising the
Lolita Midsleeper Combi—a whitewashed wooden bed with pull-out potty designed for girls aged 5 & 6.
Until a quasi-literate mom raised holy hell on a parenting website.
Stink Bomb
A Colorado mom with a nose for trouble marched her son into the principal’s office claiming he planned to set off a stink bomb.
As a consequence, Frederick High School was briefly evacuated on Thursday.
No bomb actually went off but police officers found a bag the boy left containing baking soda, flour, sugar and salt.
Evidently, the concoction would have to be set on fire to produce fumes.
Nor was it clear they’d be noxious.
How the boy is punished has yet to be decided.
Frederick is a town of 8,200 about 27 miles north of Denver.
Pet Girl
A British bus company apologized to a girl who is led around on a silver leash by her boyfriend after one of its drivers allegedly said:
“We don’t let freaks and dogs ride,” and threw her off the bus.
Dressed in Goth-style clothing with a silver neckband attached to a long silver lead, the girl, 18, said she was the “pet” of her 25-year-old fiancé.
“I don’t cook, I don’t clean, I don’t do anything or go anywhere without my master. To you it’s strange but it’s my culture and my choice. It isn’t hurting anyone.”
Freely
Dutch social workers have taken legal action to stop a 13-year-old girl from sailing around the world on her own.
They insist Mina Jansen be made a ward of the court so that her parents, who support her plan, forfeit the right to make her decisions.
Mina’s father, Pym Jansen, requested that Mina miss two years of school; the request was turned down.
Mina had a seaworthy sailboat by age six and was sailing solo when she was 10.
Since a child, I wanted to sail around the world, she told Dutch TV.
I want to live freely.
She (2)
At the Sololá market she bought a Bat Clan jacket woven out of sheep wool by the Cakchikel Indians.
She washed her hair in the volcanic lake.
She ate tortillas, chiles, and roasted corn in a restaurant then rented a room above the restaurant.
She sat on the old wood floor of the small room and listened to the night sounds. Laments of drunken men and drunken boys. Crickets sawing. Faint whistlings of a poorwill.
She smoked a cigarette.
She shared her narrow bed with fleas.
The next
morning she rode a bus farther into the mountains.
*
That afternoon she drank beer in the dusty cantina outside Sololá.
She and 14 Ladino men.
Sentimental music from an old juke.
The men stared at her. One asked her to dance.
In the confined space she danced with the man whose head came to her shoulders.
Another asked her to dance and she danced with him.
When a third man asked her to dance she said, No. Horita me voy.
Two men, drunk, followed her outside, knocked her down, dragged her behind the cantina, brutally raped her.
You expected something like that so I provided it. It didn’t happen.
Abduct
Q abducted her ex-lover’s boyfriend after the ex-lover, G, had left Q for the male.
Q, 27, kidnapped Peng, 26, then asked her ex-lover, G, 23, to pay a ransom of 800,000 yuan.
G had been Q’s girlfriend but quit Q and began to date Peng.
A Pascagoula
Mississippi man thought he was at his girlfriend’s place when he stumbled drunkenly into a couple’s apt and fell asleep on their couch.
Returning from bingo, the couple found the stranger snoring on their couch.
They told him get out and he drove off in a rusty yellow Silverado.
Burn
A 14-year-old student set himself on fire on a Nagoya street in an apparent suicide early Friday.
The Aichi Prefectural Police received an emergency call from a passerby at 2:17 a.m. reporting “what looks like a human on fire.”
Police later identified the immolated boy as a third-year student at Fujimori Junior High School, in Nagoya.
His name was not disclosed.
An orange and green backpack bearing the boy’s name was found nearby with a lighter, tissue paper, a plastic bottle smelling of kerosene.
The incident occurred 4 km from the boy’s home.
There was no suicide note.
A Young Man
distraught after breaking up with his girlfriend hanged himself while she watched over a Webcam.
Fastening a rope over a ceiling hook he whispered, “I love you, babe.”
The horrified girl phoned police to stop him. They arrived too late.
The couple split 8-and-a-half months before.
Slimed
How did he exit?
12-gauge.
Males shoot themselves or hang.
Jump from the Golden Gate Bridge.
Females overdose.
His book, a slim volume, was published at last.
It failed.
Reviewers chastised the author for displaying excessive feeling.
“Like a woman.”
Sliming over his grief with their low understanding.
Tarantula
The owner of a spider had no idea his pet was the problem when he came to an eye clinic for treatment.
When the doctor told him she saw tiny hairs sticking out of his eyeball he remembered cleaning the terrarium of his Chilean Rose tarantula.
While his attention was briefly focused elsewhere, he sensed movement in the terrarium.
The tarantula had released a mist of hairs which brushed his eyes and face.
The hairs have multiple barbs encouraging them to migrate through the eye tissue to various depths.
Black Widow
refers to the assumption that female freedom fighters—Putin’s Russia calls them terrorists—are Muslim suicide bombers bent on avenging relatives murdered in Russia’s ongoing assault against Islamic separatists in the Caucasus region.
One of the Black Widows’ earliest interventions in non-Muslim Russia, was the 2002 mass hostage-taking at a Moscow theater by 41 Chechen separatists—23 were women.
Russian forces struck, pumped narcotic gas into the theater, killing all the attackers as well as 218 hostages.
Police footage showed Black Widows dead in the theater seats with explosives attached to their bodies.
The footage was later exposed as manipulated.
Queef
Julia queefed while I was doing her with my tongue & it startled the shit out of me.
I dove back in.
I soon learned that queefs were Julia’s body’s way of broadcasting how much she loved me.
Correction: Broadcasting how much she loved how I was loving her.
Anonymous
I hope to fuck I never become allergic to neoprene cuz I wear a neoprene cockring & nut stretchers almost everyday.
The feeling you have around your cock and nutz is so natural.
I have different sizes for day wear & fucking.
Too bad they don’t sell the extra wide version anymore—here’s the true pig coming out in me: I fucking love the smell after a few nights of fucking with that wide puppy.
Oh yeah, I’m a college student & wear it to class.
I sit through 3 hours of boring lectures & not once does it pinch.
Correspondences
Indeed, the G-spot corresponds to the upper palate; I’m gratified that has finally been revealed. So too does the left eyeball correspond to the anus; even as the middle knuckle on the left hand corresponds to the lingam. Blowing your nose has a secret affinity with orgasm, male and female; and if you undergo a rhinoplasty, which has become fashionable in our global village, your orgasm potential will gradually alter until aligned with your new nose. If you belch more than twice before sex be prepared to queef during sex.
Truly, Homo sapiens is a marvel of symmetry.
Hitler Fart
To combat his chronic flatulence, Hitler ingested massive amounts of a drug containing the rat poison strychnine.
His physicians worried that he was poisoning himself by degree.
Nor did the drug alleviate his gas.
It turns out now that eBay is auctioning an “authentic Hitler fart” reportedly bottled and sealed by a Hauptsturmführer insider and secret Hitler adversary.
It is speculated that the Hauptsturmführer sold other Hitler farts at the time to finance his opium habit.
But at least one has been preserved all these years in a Berlin cellar.
Prices on eBay commence at a million-and-a-half euros.
Mafia Croc
Italian police have seized a crocodile they believe was used by a mafia boss to terrorize shop-owners into paying protection money.
The crocodile, 6 feet long and 93 pounds, was found during a search of the man’s home in the southern town of Caserta, where the Camorra branch of the Naples mafia is active.
The croc was kept on the terrace and fed live rats and rabbits in full view of neighboring homes.
The mafia suspect, name withheld, was charged with illegal animal possession.
The crocodile, named Berlu, has been sent to a reptile rehabilitation center in Sardinia.
Pig Spleen
A Nebraska farmer peers at pig spleens and forecasts the weather.
Pig spleen widening means early winter;
narrowing means early spring;
if the spleen is fairly uniform it means weather as usual.
“I’m 90 percent accurate,” the farmer claims, “which is a damn sight better than your TV ‘meteorologists’.”
Snake Does Golf
A python was saved by surgery after mistaking golf balls for chicken eggs.
A farming couple had placed four golf balls in their chicken coup to encourage their hen to nest. The eggs disappeared and so did the balls.
Nearby, the couple found a lumpy-looking diamond python.
They transported the 32-inch non-venomous snake to the nearby wildlife sanctuary, where a senior veterinarian operated to remove the balls from the snake’s intestine.