Frank Einstein and the EvoBlaster Belt

by Jon Scieszka

  With one desperate ape, one hungry dinosaur, and one very large and very mad ANT chasing close behind.

  Frank Einstein and Janegoodall pace back and forth at the base of the fence.

  The sun rises higher in the sky.

  “Watson’s been gone for a very long time,” says Janegoodall.

  Frank bites his thumb. “I should have come up with a better plan. If he gets stuck being a cat, it’s going to be really hard to explain to his mom.”

  A flock of crows (Corvus brachyrhynchos) caws excitedly on the other side of the fence.

  A whoosh and a thump. Something hits the fence.

  “Water!” says Klank. “The river is back!”

  And sure enough—under the fence, the dry streambed of the Darwin River slowly refills.

  Thump, crash, caw sounds come from behind the fence. Trees cracking, roaring, insect clicking.

  Klink checks his seismograph attachment. “I am calculating the same conclusion as before. But these results cannot be right.”

  Everyone looks up, just as a cat lands lightly atop the fence. A cat holding in its mouth a slightly altered championship-wrestling belt.

  Frank cheers, “Watson! You did it!”

  Smash thump boom. Something hits the fence again. Water spurts like a small geyser now.

  “Drop the belt! I’ll spin it to get you back to human.”

  Crash! The fence tilts, creaks, leans.

  Cat Watson drops the belt.

  A dark shape swings on a vine, swoops, grabs the falling belt, and lands on top of the fence.

  “Good heavens!” gasps Janegoodall.

  “Mr. Chimp!” curses Frank.

  And BLAAAAMMMMM! The fence collapses.

  The torrent of water pushing the fence gushes into the streambed.

  Cat Watson leaps for the nearest tree.

  Mr. Chimp, still clutching the belt, falls.

  A giant scaly, clawed foot kicks down a whole section of fence.

  A colossal-sized ANT stomps over the fallen fence piece, and scans the area with its feelers.

  “What in the world—?” says Janegoodall, not believing what she is seeing.

  Mr. Chimp lands with a thump and loses his grip on the belt. He crawls to grab it, but sees a sharp-toothed dinosaur on one side, and an impossibly large ant on the other.

  Mr. Chimp, no fool, jumps up and runs leaps swings for safety as fast as he can.

  “Holy evolution!” gasps Frank Einstein, crouched behind a log. “Talk about All Interconnected Life. This is amazing.”

  Two towering figures step forward.

  “This is such great proof. From microscopic bugs . . . to the biggest beasts. We all evolved. We are all connected.”

  Up in the tree, Watson nods. He is not thinking this is so amazing. He is thinking this is crazy. He is thinking this is scary.

  He would say something. But he can’t.

  And he really would like to, because he is seriously worried that this time Frank Einstein will not be able to think his way out of a jam.

  “Don’t worry, Watson,” says Frank. “I’ll think of something.”

  “BBBAAWWWKKKKRRR!” growls the megapredator.

  “CHHHHKKKKCHHHKKKKK!” rattles the monster next to it.

  Both slowly turn and look at the humans crouched behind the log.

  “Uh-oh” says Frank Einstein, suddenly realizing what it feels like to not be kings of the food chain. “It’s survival of the smartest now.”

  The hungry T. rex and monster ANT advance on their new prey.

  Frank Einstein quickly figures what has happened. Someone has misused the FAST-FORWARD and REVERSE buttons.

  Frank Einstein calculates. Frank Einstein pieces together a new plan.

  “Janegoodall, do you have anything sweet we can use to distract the ant?”

  “Right,” says Janegoodall, digging in her backpack. “Because ants communicate with smells.” She pulls out her chocolate energy bars.

  “Great.”

  Frank calls to Klank and Klink.

  “Klank! Tease the dinosaur and draw him toward you! Janegoodall and I will distract the ANT over this way! Then, Klink, you race in and grab the belt!”

  Klank lights up.

  “Oh yes! I thought you would never ask.” Klank grabs the nearest oak tree, snaps it in half, and charges the towering T. rex, swinging the oak like a battle ax.

  “My pleasure,” beeps Klink, revving his ATV engine, rocking on his oversize camping tires, readying to sprint into action.

  Klank rams the surprised T. rex with his tree trunk.

  Frank and Janegoodall run out and scatter a sweet trail of energy bar bits, luring the ANT toward them.

  “Boom!” yells Klank, smacking the T. rex on one side. “Bam!” he yells, spanking the T. rex on the other.

  Klink zips out and snags the EvoBlaster Belt with his hook extension.

  But unseen by anyone, the rushing water of the now-raging stream undercuts the sandy bank. It leaves no support for the tallest sycamore tree (Platanus occidentalis) . . . that falls with a splintering CRAAAASHHHHH . . . cutting Klink . . . and the Belt . . . off from Frank.

  Klank pauses, looks over to help Klink.

  And in that split second of inattention, the T. rex lunges at Klank and chomps the big robot’s head completely off.

  Calculating.

  Analyzing.

  Concluding.

  Planning.

  Klink performs all these thought processes in his robot brain as he surveys the scene of trapped humans, evolution mistakes, and his destroyed robot friend, Klank.

  He instantly reviews his Three Laws of Robotics.

  Law One: A robot cannot injure a human, or let a human be injured by not helping.

  Law Two: A robot must obey orders from humans. Though not if those orders break Law One.

  Law Three: A robot must protect its own life. As long as that does not break Law One or Law Two.

  In less than a second, Klink arrives at the most rational plan.

  “Throw me the belt!” Frank calls from behind the downed tree.

  But then the T. rex stomps on Klank’s headless body, smashing it into twisted metal bits.

  Klink watches. And something white-hot mad floods his circuits.

  “Hurry!” yells Frank.

  The T. rex and jumbo ANT both turn their hungry eyes back on the Homo sapiens.

  “Meowwwww!” pleads Felis catus watson, above on the tree branch.

  Klink’s webcam eye turns blood-red. His internal engine revs to max. He leans back and blasts, louder than he has ever yelled, a sonic-boom loud:

  “KLAAAAAAANK!”

  His entire robot body sparking, Klink rejects the rational plan.

  Klink narrows his eye to laser-beam focus.

  Klink deliberately straps the EvoBlaster Belt on himself.

  Klink turns away from the Homo sapiens, and rolls toward the evo-monsters who have crushed his friend.

  “Don’t do it!” yells Frank. “Your circuits can’t handle a triple-DNA evo-blast!”

  Klink rolls forward. He knows exactly what his circuits can handle. And he doesn’t care.

  “BAWWWWKKKK!” roars the hungry T. rex.

  “CHCHCHCHCH!” adds the whopper ANT.

  They both advance on their human breakfast.

  Janegoodall and Frank try their best to hide behind the fallen tree. Janegoodall marvels. “Amazing life forms . . . but they are getting a bit close for comfort now . . .”

  “Meow meow meowwww!” warns Felis catus watson from up above.

  Frank shakes his head. “If I could just get the belt . . .”

  Klink rolls toward the T. rex and ANT. He rewires the FAST-FORWARD and REVERSE buttons. He connects one last attachment, not one hundred percent certain it will work.

  “Oh no,” says Janegoodall. “What is he doing? This is no time for roasting hot dogs.”

  Mr. Chimp has seen all he needs to see. He realizes he has no chance for a
nything good in this fight. He swings away through the treetops.

  The colossal ANT snaps its killer jaws.

  The T. rex gnashes its jagged teeth.

  Klink charges at full speed. He points the rewired EvoBlaster Belt with Three-Pronged Hot Dog Roasting Fork at T. rex, ANT, and Felis catus watson.

  The undammed Darwin stream water thunders. Blue jays (Cyanotta cristata) screech. Crickets (Grillus campestris) fiddle-screech.

  Klink presses EVO-PLAY.

  The EvoBlaster Belt compass spin-fires three wireless bolts of DNA-blasting energy out Klink’s hot dog attachment.

  Felis catus watson wavers.

  The charging dinosaur and gargantuan ANT shimmer.

  DNA strands unravel, reform, mutate, blur, evolve, devolve.

  But it doesn’t work.

  There is not enough energy to power three evo-changes.

  Klink stalls, grinds to a halt, and falls over.

  The T. rex and jumbo ANT advance on Frank and Janegoodall.

  Frank Einstein knows why the triple charge didn’t work. Sadly, he also knows Klink will not survive the energy unravel. But now it’s the only way. Frank calls to Klink. “You have to switch to WELL-DONE!”

  Klink blinks. Of course.

  He quickly flips the Three-Pronged Hot Dog Roasting Fork setting switch to WELL-DONE and punches EVO-PLAY.

  Three new charges spit out of the three prongs.

  With his metal heart power source and the molecular structure of all his metal parts feeding the three evo-blasts, Klink starts to disintegrate into atomic pieces.

  Dinosaur, ANT, and Felis catus watson fuzz.

  Klink, disappearing, still holds the EVO-PLAY button down hard.

  And with one final triple-loud BAM!, Klink, the belt, the T. rex, the mammoth ANT, and Felis catus watson . . . disappear.

  The clearing in the middle of Darwin Park is almost dead quiet. No bird songs, no animal calls, no insect noises.

  The only sound is the soothing splash and gurgle of the restored Darwin River.

  Frank Einstein and Janegoodall stand at the bank of the moving water.

  Anna picks up a still-hungry baby chick.

  “Peep peep peep.”

  Janegoodall holds a bug in the palm of her hand. “The mighty ant.”

  “Oh no,” says Frank. “Where is . . . where is . . . ?” He can’t bring himself to say his best friend’s name.

  “Hey!” yells Watson from a tree branch overhead. “How am I supposed to get down from here?”

  “Watson! You’re OK! We knew you could do it!”

  Frank and Janegoodall help Watson get down from the tree.

  Together they pick up the broken bits and pieces of Klank and put them in Janegoodall’s backpack.

  They look for anything left of Klink.

  But all they find is a melted rubber handle of his Three-Pronged Hot Dog Roasting Fork.

  “Unbelievable!” says Grampa Al, smacking the steering wheel of his souped-up Fix It! shop truck. “It was that dippy T. Edison kid behind all this? Again? Dang. I should have known.”

  Frank nods.

  “And so he was the one who hacked my top secret communicator? And sent me off on a wild goose chase?”

  “Yes,” says Janegoodall, riding in the back, carefully cradling her backpack full of Klank pieces. “He and Mr. Chimp were stealing water out of the Darwin River, selling it as spring water from Fiji, and ruining the entire ecosystem.”

  Grampa Al steers the truck around a tricky curve.

  “Just shows you—don’t mess with nature. It’s all connected. You wreck one piece, you mess up all kinds of things you don’t know about.”

  Frank looks out the window, watches the forest whipping by. “Man, but that EvoBlaster is one really great invention.”

  Watson grabs Frank. “Don’t ever mention that thing again! Ever! I mean it.”

  Frank nods, “OK, OK. And . . . Watson?”

  Watson, thinking Frank is going to say something nice about how worried he was, how much he missed him, and how sorry he was for making an invention that almost got him stuck forever as a cat . . . asks, “What?”

  Frank looks into Watson’s eyes and says, “Meow.”

  Janegoodall laughs.

  “RRRRARRRRRRRR!” Watson punches Frank in the arm.

  Frank and Watson wrestle. Headlocks, arm bars, elbow jams, and noogies. Happy that everyone is safe, and that they are kings of the food chain once again.

  “Uncle. Uncle!” says Frank. “You win.”

  Watson flexes both arms. “Ohhhh yeah.”

  Frank rubs his head. “But you have to admit the EvoBlaster Belt is a completely amazing invention.”

  “OK,” says Watson. “It was pretty cool.”

  Frank adds. “But I would give it all up if it would bring back Klink.”

  Grampa Al looks in his rearview mirror at Janegoodall and her backpack.

  “Little bit of work and fix-it care, I’m sure we can get Klank back together.”

  “Yeah . . .” Frank looks out the window again.

  They probably can put Klank back together.

  But the unspoken sentence is—there is no putting Klink back together.

  “Unbelievable!” says T. Edison, smacking the walnut-and-leather dashboard of the black Edison limousine. “That annoying, stupid Frank Einstein messes up my genius plan? Again? Idiot! I should have known.”

  Mr. Chimp nods.

  He pulls his chauffeur cap low and drives carefully over the potholed dirt road out of Darwin Park, heading back to Midville.

  He can’t even begin to think about his crushing disappointment. How close he was. What he could have been. All he could have done if only—

  “Watch where you are going!” shrieks T. Edison. “What are you doing?!”

  Mr. Chimp steers smoothly around the hole in the road.

  He takes one hand off the steering wheel, and truthfully signs:

  Dusk.

  A great horned owl (Bubo virginianus . . . and yes—the exact same owl Frank and Watson heard, and Janegoodall and her Science Scout pals saw) pukes up a pellet.

  It hits the ground with a wet plop.

  Inside the pellet is a mouse jawbone, a bird rib, and a rat tooth.

  There is also, recently hooked on the outside of the pellet, a small knot of wires, a mini memory chip, and a tiny battery.

  Bent. Scorched. Woven together. Almost heart shaped.

  The impact of the pellet hitting the ground triggers the beat-up remains to switch on.

  The owl launches itself from its high wall perch, and, predator perfect, glides silently away into the gathering dark.

  The small wire heart sends out a signal.

  Ring-Ring . . .

  Ring-Ring . . .

  Ring-Ring . . .

  Ring-Ring . . .

  Grampa Al, Watson, Janegoodall, and Frank Einstein look at one another in surprise.

  Frank reaches into Janegoodall’s backpack, pulls out what’s left of the ringing Klank phone, and answers it.

  “Hello?”

  “Latitude Forty One Point Two Two Six Nine One. Longitude Eight Six Point Four Three Nine Three Three Seven Three. Requesting pick-up.”

  “What?” says Frank.

  “Latitude Forty One Point Two Two Six Nine One. Longitude Eight Six Point Four Three Nine Three Three Seven Three,” repeats the voice on the speakerphone.

  It takes everyone a second. But Watson recognizes the voice first.

  “Klink!”

  “None other.”

  “How? What? Where?” asks Frank.

  Grampa Al wheels the Fix It! shop truck around in a 180 dirt-cloud fishtail. “Klink’s calling in his latitude and longitude.” Grampa Al types the coordinates into his GPS and punches the accelerator. “I’m on it!”

  “You didn’t think I would let myself unravel with no plan for reassembly, did you?”

  “No,” says Frank. “But why couldn’t we find you?”

&
nbsp; “I got a bit sidetracked by a passing owl.”

  “Klink, we missed you!” says Watson.

  “You are a hero,” says Janegoodall. “You saved us. And you were soooooo mad!”

  “I do not have emotions,” says Klink. “So I could not have been mad.”

  Frank Einstein raises an eyebrow in disbelief.

  “But you better come and get my core out of this filthy, disgusting owl regurgitation . . . BEFORE I GET WHITE-HOT, DNA-UNRAVELING CRAZY!”

  “OK, OK,” says Frank. “We are on our way. But let’s also get started on our next mission.”

  “What?” asks Watson. “Fixing Klank?”

  Frank pulls out his phone and displays a glowing screen. “Yes, but also the next column of our Wall of Science.”

  Frank Einstein swipes to show a blue-green circle.

  “Oh boy,” says Watson, not exactly one hundred percent enthusiastically.

  Grampa Al stomps on the gas and flies down the dirt road at top speed.

  “Planet Earth,” says Watson nervously.

  “And I already have a great idea,” says Frank Einstein inventively. “Are you with me?”

  “Absolutely,” says Janegoodall.

  “I am,” says Klink.

  Watson buckles his seat belt. “Do I have a choice?”

  FRANK EINSTEIN’S EVOBLASTER NOTEBOOK

  “Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution.”

  —ALBERT EINSTEIN

  “Evolution is the fundamental idea in all of Life Science.”

  —BILL NYE, UNDENIABLE: EVOLUTION AND THE SCIENCE OF CREATION

  “No one is dumb who is curious. The people who don’t ask questions remain clueless throughout their lives.”

  —NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON

  “Heaven and earth and I are of the same root. The ten-thousand things and I are of one substance.”

  —SENG-CHAO, CHINESE BUDDHIST PHILOSOPHER, BORN 384 CE

  “There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.”