Through All the Years

by Rod Carstens

  Then there was the whole subject of what she said that night on the beach and the fact she never had a chance to say she was sorry and did not mean it. She had never been able to explain why she had said it. Explain her demons. What she had said was unforgivable. She knew she would hurt him and she wanted to at the moment. All of the old Billy Bob fears simply took over and spewed from her onto Tom. Jack had tried to comfort her for a long time. He said that Tom would understand once he got over what she had said and see that it was about something else. Well she had never been able to convince herself he would ever get over what she said. She had hit him in a place that only she knew existed and she had known how badly it would hurt him. He was not the last she had used her ability to cut where it would hurt the most, but he was the only one who did not deserve it. After Tom she learned to control her fears and only let them surface after a lot of thought. The other men and women were part of the Hollywood experience that made you either pull up your own demons to defend yourself or could end up in the used up pile. No, she was not the young girl who had used it as blunt instrument against Tom; she had developed the talent to use it like a scalpel as a matter of survival. How much of that hardened survivor had she become? Was that who she was now? Or was some of that young girl still left under the hardened surface?

  She examined him from behind the sunglasses trying to get a feel of who or what he was now. He held the hand of a young pretty girl about six or seven. She watched and could almost feel the young girls love and affection for Tom even across the set. If she asked a question he would squat down next to her and patiently answer it pointing to something or saying something that made her laugh. What he wore certainly gave her not clues, blue jeans, an old Hawaiian shirt, a baseball cap and running shoes. Whatever he did for a living she did not think he made money at it, but she had found out the hard way time after time the more money they had the bigger the ego, and the more it was all about them and their needs. You could almost weight their wallet and find out just how big an ass they were and determine if they were worth the trouble.

  He could see she was looking his way yet he continued not to try and catch her attention. She wished she had some time to think this whole thing over. Was it worth spoiling those wonderful memories with the reality of a whole life apart? So what do we do Kate me girl, she said to herself. Do we walk over there and risk the disappointment and danger of producing some kind of stalker from the past or do we leave things as it stands? Just then Tom squatted down said something to the little girl and gently patted her hair into place. She held tight to his hand when he stood. Kate almost smiled to herself. Those simple gestures as talked to the little girl told her all she needed to know. This was the same gentle loving Tom she had known so long ago. While much may have changed the Tom she knew was still there underneath the years. That was the gesture of the grown up Tom she knew so long ago as a boy facing a war. Suddenly she did not think there would much risk. Yep, Kate we take a chance and I don't think it's a big one there sweetie.

  CHAPTER 50

  "Chief, Kate Heywood keeps looking over here. Do you know her?" Brian said.

  "No, no I don't. Well I met her once."

  "You met an actress, Papa? Was that before you and Grandmother were married?"

  "Yes, Carri it was. It was a very long time ago."

  Kate excused herself from the director and began to walk toward them. She moved with the poise and confidence of a woman who knew and was very comfortable with her appearance even at her age. She took off her sunglasses for a better look. A serious look on her face soon changed to one of genuine happiness, followed by a huge smile. Tom could almost see the memories that were making her smile.

  A thousand different thoughts, emotions and memories raced though Tom as she slowly walked toward them. As she got closer he could see the genuine pleasure on her face. He fought the desire to turn and simply walk away from her and all that she represented. It was not confusing it was bizarre beyond words. He had thought of her frequently for more years than he could remember and the pain dulled by the years, still remained. Now here she was in the flesh walking toward him. He spent long hours practicing what he would say should he ever see here again. Now with reality walking toward him he was not sure he would be able to even speak to her.

  As she grew nearer he tried to convince himself she would just say hello then go back to making her movie. Return to her world. No regrets for things said or unsaid. How could it be otherwise? They were people with whole lives separating them now. Lives that were further apart than ever. Then when she was just ten feet away she stopped and said.

  "Dear God, it is you," she said with a small and very private smile that grew into a huge joyous one.

  She and Tom stood staring at one another for a long moment. Tom was struck by how much and yet how little she had changed. God she was still beautiful, Tom thought. In many ways she was more beautiful than when she was back then. She had the same slim perfect figure and skin, but now she had the grace only a beautiful woman gains with experience and self-confidence that age brings. But her eyes had changed; she had the eyes of someone who understood living, not the eyes of a young girl. There were fine lines around at their corners but they were laugh lines, and they did not detract from her beauty. They were not the hard eyes of the angry girl of who had been caught up in her private demons. There was wisdom there now. Her eyes told Tom the whole story of the long years since they had last seen one another. They were the eyes he had fallen in love with, not the eyes of the girl who had said such hurtful things the last night. Carri looked from one to the other her gaze wide, not missing a thing.

  "Hi, Kate. How are you? It has been a long time,"

  She tilted her head to the side as she examined him.

  "I am very well thank you. And it certainly has been a very long time."

  She paused to look him up and down in the frank way she used to so many years ago.

  "You look. Well you look great there cowboy."

  "Thanks, but some of the pieces parts don't work like they used to."

  "Tell me about it, buster." She said with a wry smile.

  "Well I don't think you need to be told just how great you look. You just got that contract with that cosmetics company. I see you on commercials all the time."

  "Sweetie the right lighting does wonders but thanks."

  They stood there for a long awkward moment. Then looking down at Carri, Kate said.

  "But I'm being rude. Who is this beautiful young lady?"

  Kate knelt in front of Carri and smiled.

  "This is Carri, my granddaughter. Can you say hello, Carri? Ms. Newhouse is a very famous actress, and she's working with Brandy."

  When he said granddaughter, he saw Kate scan his hands for rings.

  "You know Brandy?" Carri asked.

  Kate laughed that wonderful laugh Tom remembered from so long ago. It was deeper but the same. It brought back so many memories both painful and happy.

  "Why yes, I do. I'm playing her stepmother."

  "Really?"

  "Yes, dear and if your grandfather will stick around for a while, I think I can arrange for you to meet her. How would you like that?"

  "I would like that a lot," Carri said in as controlled a voice as she could muster.

  Tom thought she was going to break his fingers; she squeezed his hand so hard with excitement.

  Kate stood back up and hands on her hips said. "You're going to stick around till we finish with this set up aren't you? It won't be that much longer we only have one more scene, then we go inside for some interiors."

  Tom hesitated at that point he did wish he could disappear it would all be so much easier that way. But he had brought Carri to see Brandy and she was more important than his old fears.

  So he said, "Yes. I think we can stay. Besides Carri would kill me I if didn't."

  Kate smiled down at Carri and said, "That would make two of us. Us girls have got to stick together don't we?"

>   Carri nodded without saying a word. One of the technicians came up to Brian and said something to him.

  "Chief, we're going to have to move over a bit for this scene so we'll be out of the way," Brian said. He had been standing there silently taking the scene in, a look of complete surprise on his face, his Chief being greeted by a famous actress as if they had some very interesting history.

  "Chief?" Kate said, her eyes on Tom.

  "Yeah. I'm a Battalion Chief on the fire department." Tom said.

  Kate continued to stare with a small smile on her face.

  "The best on the department. He was my first officer. He taught me everything I know." Brian said.

  Then realizing he might be intruding took a stepped back.

  "Everything you know?" Kate said without taking her eyes off of Tom.

  "Yeah, he is the best."

  Tom stood there silently, fighting all the conflicting emotions that seeing her had pulled out of the distant past and thrust them into today. The longer she stood there the more confused he became. Her very presence was just as intoxicating as it had been so long ago. It was as if no time had passed.

  Kate looked up at Tom and said. "That makes sense, the fire department. It sounds just like you Tommy."

  A very attractive young brunette woman carrying a clipboard and a radio came walking up; hair pulled up in a careless twist a pencil holding it in place. She smiled at Brian and leaned close to him and said.

  "Looks like eight will be best. We have a late production meeting today."

  "Sounds good. I pick you up at the condos."

  Then turning to Kate she said.

  "Excuse me, Kate, they are ready for you now."

  "Ok. Rachel I would like you to meet a very old friend of mine. Tom, this is Rachel, my assistant."

  Rachel looked at Tom with renewed interest.

  "Nice to meet you," Tom said.

  "The same." Rachel said eyeing Tom closely.

  With a smile Kate looked down at Carri said, "I will see you later young lady."

  Kate was absolutely genuine with Carri, there had not been a single false moment. He wondered if the Kate he had seen that last night would have acted this way. Who was she? Was she the girl he had fallen in love with or the hard-bitten girl that had devastated him with a few words. A fact that made everything just that much more complicated. If she had only acted the Hollywood diva it would make this so much easier to walk away with no regrets. Easier to chalk up their time together as a very old and very finished history. Instead, well instead he didn't know what to think.

  "I won't be long, do stick around. It is just wonderful seeing you again." Kate said.

  Kate turned and walked back to the cameras and lights, to become the famous actress again, with Rachel at her side. She glanced back at Tom, and then turned back around. She shook her head as she walked back to the set, as if she could not quite believe what had just happened. Tom knew how she felt.

  CHAPTER 46

  Brian, Tom and Carri watched as they filmed the scene with Kate and Brandy. The actresses' had to do it over it several times before the director was satisfied. Then the director said something, and the technicians began to tear down the equipment and move it for the next shot.

  Kate spoke to Brandy, and nodded toward Tom and Carri. She took Brandy's hand and walked toward them. Tom still held Carri's hand. As the two actresses' got closer Carri surprised Tom. She seemed to become more and more composed. He smiled to himself; Carri had her parents in her all right, both Danny and Karen were as cool and calm in a crisis as anyone. In Carri's world, this was as big a crisis as they came. Carri had to be cool. He wished he felt as composed as his granddaughter. Kate brought Brandy up to them.

  "Brandy, I would like you to meet some friends of mine. This is Brian he is our firefighter on set. And this Tom a very old friend of mine."

  The young actress smiled her famous smile.

  "And last but certainly not least, this is Carri his granddaughter."

  "Hello." Brandy said. Brandy was older than she looked on TV. She was going to be a beautiful young woman very soon. Like Carri she was a blonde with startling blue eyes.

  Carri put her hand out and shook Brandy's. "Nice to meet you." Carri said.

  "It is very nice to meet you, Carri. Would you like to come see the cameras?" Brandy said.

  "I would really like that."

  With a huge smile she followed Brandy over to the set, working very hard at being composed with every step. She glanced back at Tom several times before she disappeared among the crew and equipment.

  "She'll be nice to Carri?" Tom said a little concerned as he watched Carri walk away.

  "I threatened Brandy with forgetting my lines, and making us all stick around for hours if she was not nice to Carri," Kate said.

  "I was wondering what was going on. She's bit of a handful." Brian said. "I have only been around a couple of days, but she is always going off about something. Creating some kind of scene."

  Kate glanced at and said. "I been around the business long enough to understand the diva act. She desperately wants get out of here early today. She's going to some party. If we don't finish then she won't make the party. Besides, she is really a nice kid underneath it all. It is just the only way she knows how to get what she wants."

  "Brian would you excuse us a few minutes." Kate asked. "I want to catch up with this guy."

  Brian gave Tom and Kate a look and went to talk to Rachel. Tom and Kate walked together a few steps away. Tom was acutely aware of her presence as they walked side by side. Kate took out a cigarette from a silver cigarette case she was carrying. Then she took out Tom's old lighter. Kate lit her cigarette but kept the lighter turning it over in her hand.

  "You still have that after all these years." Tom said.

  "I found when I was packing for the trip. The film is set in the Sixties and I thought it would bring back those memories."

  "Did it?"

  "Yes it did. I lot of very fond memories as a matter of fact."

  Kate was watching him closely for his reaction. Tom was surprised she still had the lighter after all the years. Seeing it brought back memories of Vietnam and the beach house as strongly as if they happened last week. Memories of their time together flooded back. Memories that were so strong yet they were created in such a short amount of time.

  " I see you are still smoking."

  "I'm like Mark Twain. It is easy to quit smoking; I've done it a thousand times." She gave a small nervous laugh then said. "No, I have been doing great for years but this part has not been a help. My character smokes, so it has been a good excuse." Kate paused then with a smile said. "Remember how we all smoked back then? God how times do change. Now I only smoke when I am nervous."

  Their eyes met for a long moment. Then Tom said. "I thought I was the only one."

  "No, buster your not." Kate gave him a slow smile. She looked up at him. "Did you know I was working on this picture?"

  "You mean, did I come to try and see you?"

  Kate smiled. "Yes, did you come to try and see me?"

  "No, I didn't know you were in the picture. It was pure chance. I brought Carri to see Brandy. That was it."

  Kate looked stunned. "Do you mean to tell me that this was pure chance, after over twenty years?"

  "Looks like." Tom said.

  "Oh my god, talk about kismet." Kate said with a huge smile.

  "Yeah we do seem to be destined to cross paths."

  "Did you know I lived here?"

  "No, no I didn't. I had no idea." Kate said.

  Neither said a word. They both just stood there not sure what to say next. Finally Tom said.

  "How is the filming or whatever you call it going?" Tom said trying to change the subject.

  "It is going well little Brandy is a good actress but we can't seem to get the scene right."

  "What is the movie about?" Tom asked.

  "I am Brandy's stepmother. Her father is an Air Forc
e pilot who just left for Vietnam. He married me not long before he left and Brandy is left with someone she doesn't and know and resents. My character has never had any children and she doesn't know how to handle a teenage girl in the Sixties. Then Brandy's boyfriend gets drafted and it is as if her whole world is coming apart and all she has is me. It is a very nice story of two people finding comfort in one another and then beginning to care about each other. It's a well written story and with Jo directing we have a chance to make a nice little movie."

  "Sounds like a nice story."

  Kate looked at him for a long moment before she said. "The music and Vietnam part of the story are certainly bringing back memories."

  "I can imagine." Tom said. He didn't want to go there. There were too many memories he didn't want to stir up. The Sixties and Vietnam were two subjects he did not want to discuss with Kate. They both were minefields with memories that could blow up into more than he wanted to deal with. Two technicians hurried by carrying large cables and went into the house.

  "Looks like you made it just like Jack said you would. I've seen most of your movies you are as good as he said you would be."

  Kate felt genuine pleasure at the compliment. It surprised her just how much it meant to her that he liked her work.

  "Thank you kind sir. What about you? Looks like you found the thing that you are really good at according to our young friend."

  "Yeah, I feel about it the way you feel about acting. It is a calling for me. I love what I do."

  Kate hesitated then finally said.

  "You know I didn't know if you were alive or dead for years. Finally Jack told me that you had survived the rest of your tour and were out of the Marines."

  "Yeah we did go our separate ways just like I thought we would. I think I got out of the service when you made the cover of Time. What did they call you?"

  "Oh, God I had forgotten about that. It was so long ago. I was part of the new young Hollywood. One of the hot new talents is how I think they put it. It seems a lifetime ago. I was very young and caught up in it all. What were you doing?"