My Life as a Stuntboy

by Janet Tashjian

  “Of how Frank almost died?”

  She shakes her head. “No. That actions have consequences.”

  Even on a day with a glowing newspaper article about Yours Truly, my mother can’t resist another teaching moment.

  She rinses out her coffee cup and tells me it’s no big deal and that the horse looks good next to her collection of tiny cacti. I decide to take her at her word and drop the subject.

  After breakfast, we go to the Hollywood Hills, where we take Bodi off the leash and let him trot alongside us as we hike. I walk ahead of my parents to my favorite part of the canyon, the caves. Sometimes there are tourists taking pictures because this was one of the locations used in the old Batman TV show. I imagine a crew here many years ago filming the Dynamic Duo in their Batmobile zooming out of this cave to fight crime. The actors probably weren’t even here. I bet they saved the hard stuff for their stuntmen.

  cacti

  We avoid the puddles, and when we come out of the cave, we look back in the other direction. The letters of the HOLLYWOOD sign stand guard over the canyon like giant white soldiers. I’ve lived here my whole life, but it’s still exhilarating to see such a famous landmark up close.

  exhilarating

  My mother bends down to give Bodi some water. “Does the sign seem like it applies to you a bit more since you’ve been in a movie?”

  I make a face like that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, but in reality I was thinking the same thing. To celebrate the newspaper article, we stop at House of Pies, and I order a slice of chocolate cream. My parents split a piece of custard pie and let me choose which songs to listen to on the drive home.

  When we get back, I sit on the couch with Frank and Bodi and watch one of the action movies Tony sent over to show my parents his work. In one scene, he jumps off a bridge and lands in a tugboat full of garbage bags.

  “Don’t get any ideas,” Mom says.

  “Don’t get anything close to an idea,” Dad adds.

  It’s kind of a perfect day, one of the best I’ve had since summer—until I realize tomorrow is Monday and the school week’s about to start all over again.

  You Did What??

  intercom

  The next day, Mr. Demetri congratulates me on the article. I do appreciate his support, but I wish he had told me in the hall instead of on the intercom during morning announcements.

  Ms. McCoddle applauds when he’s done, and the class joins in—even Matt, which makes me happy.

  On our way to the cafeteria later, Joe walks alongside me with a book. He reads the words with painstaking slowness. Because I want to have teeth left to eat my lunch, I don’t comment on his reading skills, which appear to be worse than mine.

  Swifty joins us and starts reading over Joe’s shoulder, stumbling over every word.

  painstaking

  “What’s going on?” I ask.

  They both laugh and head to the lunch line.

  I grab Matt. “What’s wrong with Swifty and Joe? They’re acting like idiots.”

  “Like idiots—exactly.” He gives me a friendly punch in the arm and walks away.

  I must look pretty confused because Carly comes over and asks if I’m okay. I tell her I have no idea what Swifty and Joe are doing, but whatever it is, it’s not funny.

  “Matt too,” Carly says. “Don’t let him off the hook.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “What are you talking about?” She pauses. “You mean you haven’t seen it?”

  “Seen what?” I try to imagine the worst: that Swifty and Joe have taken yesterday’s newspaper article, drawn a mustache on my photograph, and hung it outside the classroom.

  “Come on.”

  I follow Carly to the media center, where she asks Ms. Myers if she can undo the Internet block for a few minutes. (This is what life is like when you’re a girl who reads books in her spare time—teachers will do the impossible for you.) Ms. Myers tells her she’ll give us five minutes.

  Carly goes to YouTube and types in “IDIOT READER.” I lean toward the monitor and am shocked by the video that starts to play.

  It’s me reading out loud, slowly and deliberately. The video was shot from our porch and shows Ronnie and me sitting at the kitchen table. Watching the video is one of the most humiliating moments of my life.

  deliberately

  “I do sound like an idiot,” I say.

  “Lots of people have a hard time reading, not just you. Who do you think posted this?”

  It’s a question I don’t have to ask because I already know the answer: my best friend with the videocamera.

  It’s Over

  I race to the cafeteria and scan the room for Matt. “How could you do that to me?” I ask.

  “Hey, you’re the one trying to be a big shot, with your movie and your newspaper article. I was just trying to help you out.” Matt takes a giant swig from his carton of milk.

  “By calling me an idiot?”

  “That video’s already gotten more than five thousand hits—stop complaining. I’m helping you in your quest to get famous.”

  “I don’t want to be famous.”

  “You could’ve fooled me.”

  I have a sudden desire to pick up his bowl of disgusting beef stew and throw it at him.

  quest

  “It’s probably not five thousand different people,” Swifty adds. “I’m sure some people watched it over and over again.”

  I ignore him and return to Matt. “If you were going to upload a video of me onto YouTube, why didn’t you use the one where I’m walking up five flights of stairs on the handrail—something you were too afraid to do?”

  Swifty and Joe laugh and Matt gets defensive. “I wasn’t afraid. You were just so busy showing off, there wasn’t any time left.”

  defensive

  taunts

  Joe pretends to read from a book in his bag. “I … can … do.. lots … of … stunts,” he taunts.

  His impersonation of me isn’t what hurts—it’s how hard Matt is laughing at the joke.

  impersonation

  I turn to face my ex-best friend. “Maybe you could’ve done some stunts too—if you didn’t have to race home to babysit your twenty-three-year-old brother.” I normally would never use Jamie as a weapon against Matt, but with our friendship over, hitting below the belt almost seems fair. “Or was that the time he didn’t come home for a week and your parents didn’t know where he was?”

  Swifty and Joe look at Matt to see if these things about Jamie are true. Matt looks almost wounded by my comment, and for a second, I feel bad.

  “You’re the loser,” he shouts, “not Jamie!” Matt dives across the table at me, and the two girls on the other end jump out of their seats.

  “Whoa! Calm down!” Mr. Walsh, the gym teacher, grabs Matt. “Save your tackling for phys ed, unless you want to spend the rest of the afternoon in Mr. Demetri’s office.”

  “He started it!” Matt points an accusing finger at me.

  Swifty and Jo chime in. “It was Derek!”

  “It was not!” I say.

  “I don’t care who started it. It’s over.” Mr. Walsh ushers Matt back to his seat and stands behind him for several moments. Matt, Swifty, Joe, and I keep quiet until he leaves.

  Matt finishes his milk and squashes the carton. “You better get to the media center before class starts,” he says. “Take out Goodnight Moon before someone else does.”

  ridiculed

  When I storm out of the cafeteria, it feels as if the entire room is laughing behind my back. A few days ago, I was worried about people on the movie set making fun of me; I never once thought I’d be ridiculed in my own school. By my best friend!

  I duck into the restroom next to the nurse’s office and lock myself in a stall.

  I can’t remember the last time I cried, but I make up for it now.

  An Unexpected Friend

  I use the rest of the lunch period to wash my face and get it togeth
er. For a minute, I think about going home sick but don’t want to give Matt, Swifty, and Joe the satisfaction. I keep my head down and race for the door when the bell rings.

  I decide not to say anything to my parents; just thinking about the sad look on Mom’s face if she watched the YouTube video is enough reason to keep quiet. I didn’t get a chance to eat at school, so when I get home, I wolf down my sandwich, feeding the crusts to Bodi. Then I get Frank out of his cage and take him and Bodi up to my room.

  disability

  As painful as it is, I use my father’s laptop to watch the video again. It’s not news that I’ve always had trouble reading, but now it feels like a real disability. The more I watch it, the more broken I feel. And when I think about losing my best friend on top of it, I want to hide underneath the comforter Grandma made and never come out.

  I ignore the knocking on the back door, hoping whoever it is will go away. When the knocking continues, I scoop Frank up in my arms and go downstairs.

  Carly stands outside on the step and points to the monkey in my arms. “This must be Frank! He’s so cute!”

  I roll my eyes and let her inside. “I know you want to hold him, but monkeys are strange with people they don’t know. I don’t want him to bite you.”

  “Yeah, I don’t want him to bite me either.” She moves her hand toward his head. “Can I pet him?”

  I tell her she can if she moves slowly. She smiles when she touches Frank’s fur. I tell her it’s okay to pet Frank but she can’t forget about Bodi. She gets down on the tile floor and places her face next to Bodi’s as she rubs his belly. He looks so happy, it almost makes me glad Carly came over.

  suspicious

  “I thought we could go to the video store in the Village and see if any good DVDs came out this week.”

  Carly and I have never done anything like this, which immediately makes me suspicious. “You don’t have to hang out with me just because Matt and I aren’t friends anymore.”

  defiant

  She looks at me defensively. “That’s not why I came over.”

  “Yes it is.”

  She puts her hands on her hips, even more defiant. “I came over because I didn’t want you sitting around thinking about that stupid video.”

  “That’s kind of hard to do when eight thousand people have already seen sit.”

  “It was only five thousand,” Carly says.

  “Well, now it’s eight. Not to mention how many viewers wrote comments about what a moron I am.”

  Carly continues to pet Bodi’s belly. “Is there any way we can take it down?”

  I tell her we’d need Matt’s password, which I don’t have.

  “Can you guess what it is?”

  I run up and get Dad’s laptop, and Carly and I attempt several different word and number combinations with no luck.

  combinations

  “This is all because of Swifty and Joe,” Carly says. “They couldn’t care less about Matt, but he’s trying to impress them anyway.”

  I close the computer and ask Carly if we can talk about something else. I should’ve figured she’d want to talk about Tanya Billings—what she looks like up close, what she was wearing, neither of which I paid much attention to.

  fervor

  While Carly grills me, Tony calls to give me updates on the next day’s schedule. Carly jumps up and down in the kitchen with fervor, pointing to herself. I shake my head no, but she doesn’t stop.

  “Would it be okay to bring a friend?” I ask Tony.

  He pauses before he answers.

  “It’s probably not appropriate because you’ll be working. I hope she won’t be too disappointed.”

  “I didn’t say it was a girl.”

  Tony laughs. “But is it?”

  Instead of answering, I tell Tony I’ll see him tomorrow.

  Carly is still jumping and pulling on the sleeve of my T-shirt. “Well? Well?”

  “I wish I could, but I can’t. Sorry.”

  We put Frank back in his cage and go outside to set up traffic cones in the backyard. We go into the garage and get the wheelbarrow, cooler, and stepladder too. We place them all around the yard in a tight course and spend the next hour running and jumping over the obstacles trying to beat each other’s times. I had no idea Carly was so agile.

  My mom comes out after her last patient and brings us lemonade and mini cupcakes. I don’t really think about the video or Matt the entire time Carly’s here, and when she leaves, I really mean it when I tell her I had fun.

  agile

  An Embarrassing Moment, Thankfully Not Mine

  This time Mom accompanies me to the set. She insists we leave early so we won’t be stuck in traffic. When she asks if things are better with Matt and me, I say yes, even though they’re anything but.

  She gives our names to the guard at the gate, who talks about the weather for a few minutes before letting us in. Tony finds my mother a chair, then asks me if I can do a few run-throughs before the director arrives. I tell him I can’t wait.

  I follow Tony’s lead and take several moments to examine my surroundings. The soundstage has been transformed into a giant junkyard, complete with fake rust, dirt, and discarded appliances. Together Tony and I plan the best route around the obstacles.

  discarded

  “If I start at the bathtub, then go around the statue and over the dented motorcycle, I can land on the mini trampoline and leap over the picnic table before climbing the fence. What do you think?” I ask.

  Tony smiles. “That’s exactly how I’d do it too.”

  One of the production assistants tells Tony that the director is on her way, so Tony brings me to my mark, moves aside, and tells me to give it a go.

  misjudge

  I take a running start to jump over the bathtub. Except I miss.

  My mother gets up from her chair to see if I’m all right. I’m grateful she doesn’t come running over like she used to when I was little.

  “Misjudge that jump?” Tony lends me his hand and pulls me out of the bathtub. “You okay?”

  I tell him I’m fine and climb out. My mother moves her reading glasses up to the top of her head, which means she’s now going to be watching me full-time. I head back to my mark and begin to run, but Tony stops me.

  “Remember what we talked about the day I met you at UCLA? Parkour is about making your way around obstacles. Whether it’s a set of stairs or a problem at school, you need to plan the most efficient way around the hurdle.” He pans the artificial junkyard with his hand. “Take a good look, then implement your plan.”

  implement

  I try not to focus on the growing number of crewmembers watching us and concentrate instead on the best route to my goal. Tony reminds me to put safety before risk. This time when he tells me to go, I run, leap, and climb like it’s the most natural thing in the world. When I’m done, he meets me at the fence and shakes my hand.

  “Let’s see if you’re still One-Take Fallon today. But no pressure—take as many tries as you need,” he says.

  Tony introduces my mom to Collette, who is wearing red high-top sneakers, tights, and a hooded sweatshirt. Assistants hover around her with cell phones and coffee while she tells my mom how professional and smart I am. Mom nods politely, probably thinking about how I almost killed our monkey too.

  When Collette yells “action!” I make the same mistake I made during rehearsal and land like a giant whale inside the tub. Tony and the director run over to see if I’m okay, but the only thing that hurts is my pride. I panic briefly when one of the assistants changes the chalk clapboard to SCENE 43, TAKE 2 but when it’s time to go again, I sail through the junkyard heap like a pro.

  The director shoots a few more times from different angles, and I nail it every time. She thanks me profusely and tells the crew to set up for the next scene.

  “Who knew all that jumping off the roof of the garage and swinging on the zipline would prepare you for your first job?” Mom pulls me in for a hug,
then thinks better of it when she sees all the people around. She’s finally catching on that I’m too old for that kind of affection.

  profusely

  Tony calls us over. “Tanya’s shooting the next scene. You want to check it out?”

  I look at Mom, who says she’s happy to stay as long as I want. We follow Tony across the set to the fake backyard where Tanya sits under a tree with the actress who’s playing her mother. The three of us stand behind the director and out of Tanya’s view.

  “You ready?” Collette asks Tanya.

  She nods and then Collette yells, “Action!”

  “Chris,” the actress mom says, “you have to stop talking about aliens. You’re starting to worry me.”

  “I’m telling you,” Tanya says, “they’ve moved indoors.”

  Collette yells, “Cut!” and she approaches Tanya. From where we are, I can hear her directions.

  furrowed

  “The next line is ‘They’ve moved next door.’ You want to go again?”

  Tanya nods. When Collette goes back to her place, the actress gives Tanya a wink and a smile, but her brow is furrowed.

  The clapboard reads SCENE 31, TAKE 2. Tanya blows the line again. And again. And again.

  Collette tells the crew to take a five-minute break and goes over to Tanya.

  “What’s going on?” Collette asks softly. “What do you need?”