No Shame

by Nora Phoenix

  Miles stepped into the hallway, grinning. “I used the water drip method. Small drops seem harmless, but water that drips for a long time will win from a rock. Plus, I blindfolded him, made the room silent, and had him lie facedown on a towel you had used before, Connor. I didn’t want him to be reminded who was in the room with him, and risk yanking him out of his zone.”

  Connor sent him a grateful look. “Thank you.”

  Josh had gone back to bed almost immediately, Indy staying with him, so Connor had bunked with Noah. He didn’t even want to be close to Josh, too scared he’d lose his control. He’d jacked off, furiously, and had willed himself to sleep. And he’d made it up the days after, had sought Josh out again and again in the hopes of getting rid of this restlessness, this itch inside him that wouldn’t leave him alone.

  Noah had gently told him it was time to let go. Letting go. How did Connor do that? How did you let go of someone who you only now discovered you loved? Lucas had been dead for years, but it felt to Connor like it happened yesterday.

  He sighed as he walked into the living room, where Josh and Indy were cuddling on the couch, their limbs entwined, both reading a book. Noah was taking a shower after physical therapy. Miles and his boys were in their bedroom, judging by the sounds, clearly having fun. Connor’s cock stirred.

  Josh looked up from his book with a soft smile. “Hey, baby.”

  He was so beautiful. They’d been together for over six months now, but there were times where the sheer sight of Josh took his breath away. “I love you,” Connor told him.

  “I love you, too,” Josh said, his smile widening. It should feel strange, somehow, to express this while Josh was in the arms of his other lover, but it didn’t. Indy watched them with a sweet smile on his face.

  “Can I steal him from you?” Connor asked.

  Both Indy and Josh froze, then shared a look that made Connor feel like an outsider for the first time since the early stages of his relationship with Josh.

  “Connor…” Josh started. He untangled himself from Indy, but reached out for Indy’s hand. Connor’s stomach sank. What the hell was going on? He jammed his hands in his pockets, bracing himself for what was coming. Whatever it was, it couldn’t be good.

  “I need a break,” Josh said, and Connor could swear he felt his heart break. His breath came in painful gasps that sent waves of hurt through him. “It’s just too much, baby. I’m hurting.”

  “Dammit, so am I,” Connor snapped.

  Josh’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry, but I—”

  “You’re sorry? Fuck you, Josh. I’ve always been there for you no matter what, and now that I need you, you’re rejecting me? I’m drowning, and I fucking need you!”

  The words were out of Connor’s mouth before he knew it, and Josh reeled back from the impact, tears forming in his eyes. Indy jumped up from the couch in front of Connor, fearless in full attack mode. Connor had to admire the kid’s guts to face a man twice his size. “Back the fuck off,” Indy bit out.

  Connor raised his hands in surrender, just as Noah came running in from the one bedroom on his crutches, wearing only boxers, and Miles from the other bedroom, buck-naked, both no doubt alerted by the yelling.

  “What the hell?” Noah asked. “What is going on?”

  “Ask Josh,” Connor said bitter. “He decided that right now was the perfect time to break up with me.”

  There was a collective gasp in the room, but then Josh got up from the couch, eyes blazing. “I’m not breaking up with you, you idiot. I’m telling you I need a break from sex with you. I know you’re hurting, and I know sex makes you feel better for a bit, but I need a break. My ass hurts, and you’re in no condition to do a scene, so I’m saying no.”

  He wasn’t breaking up with Connor. That one thought hit him first, before reality sunk in. “I hurt you?” Connor asked, his voice breaking. “Oh God, Josh, did I hurt you?”

  The distance between them right now stabbed his heart. What had he done?

  Josh took a step toward him. “You needed me, and it was okay, because I loved being there for you, but now I need a break.”

  Pain unlike anything else Connor had ever felt wrapped around his heart. He’d hurt the man he loved more than anything else. He took a faltering step backward. “I’m sorry, Josh. I’m so sorry. I’ll… Yeah, I understand. I’ll leave you alone.”

  Eyes blinded by tears, he walked out of the room, through the kitchen into the garden. He held it together until he was away from all of them, until no one could witness his shame.

  * * *

  “What the fuck just happened?” Noah asked, dragging a hand through his hair.

  Josh let out a shuddering sigh. “I think I fucked up. He thought I was breaking up with him. God, Noah, he looked like I shot him straight through the heart… What the hell did I do? I’ll go talk to him.”

  Noah held him back. “Let me do it. He’s in so much pain right now, and he’s lashing out. Sound familiar?”

  “No.” Indy squared his shoulders. “I’ll do it. I’ll talk to him. I made it worse just now by reacting too aggressively. I’ll fix this.”

  Josh hesitated for a second, then surrendered and kissed the top of Indy’s head. “Thank you.”

  Indy found him in the garden, sitting by himself in a chair all the way in the back. Connor’s shoulders were shaking. He was crying. This big, proud man was crying. Indy’s heart filled with empathy. He grabbed a chair and made his way over.

  Connor looked up when he heard Indy approach, his eyes red and his face blotchy. “Is Josh okay? I’m so sorry, Indy… Is he okay?”

  Indy sat down across from him. “He’s good, Connor. Are you?”

  Connor leaned back in his chair, wiping the tears from his eyes. For a long time he sat, and Indy watched. Waited.

  “How did you do it?” Connor finally asked. “How did you let go of what happened to you?”

  His blue eyes met Indy’s, so full of pain that Indy’s heart clenched. God, this man was suffering. He had to try and help him.

  “When my mother handed me over to Duncan, I was…cautiously optimistic. He was powerful, he was hot, and I was gay, so I figured it couldn’t be all that bad. Turns out, I was wrong. Boy, was I wrong. It was bad, and it got worse through the years as he started using more and became aggressive and unpredictable. I went through stages. I was livid for a while, but it didn’t get me anything, except a couple of beatings. Then I tried numb, but there’s only so long that works. So finally, I decided I had to accept this was the reality—for now. But I started plotting and planning, determined to get away. Well, you know how that turned out. When I was on the run, the thing I struggled most with wasn’t what had been done to me. That was so heinous, that I was okay with being livid about it. It was my own role in it all that I wrestled with the most. The crimes I knew about but didn’t prevent or report. The people who got hurt with me standing by. That’s what I had to learn to forgive myself for. It’s not what’s been done to us by others that kills us on the inside, Connor. It’s what we do to ourselves.”

  Connor’s face had paled as Indy spoke until he was white as a ghost.

  “Indy…”

  It sounded like a plea, a broken cry from a suffering man. Connor let himself fall forward on his knees, kneeling in front of Indy.

  “Oh God, Indy…”

  Indy reached out and put his hand on Connor’s head. “What did you do to yourself, Connor? What’s tormenting you?”

  A sob escaped from Connor’s lips before he pulled himself together. “I knew,” he managed, his voice hoarse and broken. “I heard rumors about you, about Duncan acquiring a young boy for himself. A teen. I knew, Indy…and I did nothing.”

  Indy’s heart contracted painfully, but not because of what Connor was saying. He had suspected Connor had heard at least rumors, considering Duncan had been his cousin. It was the unimaginable pain on Connor’s face, the depth of the remorse and regret in his eyes. It was the rejection he was counti
ng on that showed in his hunched shoulders, his dejected posture. This was a man expecting to be broken.

  “I could have stopped it all, could have prevented so much suffering for you, if only I had…if only I had been strong and courageous enough to say something, to do something. I failed you, Indy. I caused you so much pain and suffering.”

  Indy put his finger under Connor’s chin to lift his head. “No, you didn’t. You did not cause any of it, Connor. That’s all on Duncan and his men, not you.”

  “But if I had—”

  “It wouldn’t have made a difference. Even if you’d gone to the cops, had reported it, do you really think it would have made a lick of difference? Duncan woulda denied it, my mother would’ve sworn up and down nothing was going on, and I sure as fuck didn’t have the balls back then to speak up against Duncan. I was too scared of what he’d do to me—and we both know what he woulda done to you, to me, to anyone coming out against him. He would’ve killed you, Connor, and your parents with you. I did stand up against him, and he did almost manage to kill me, remember?”

  Connor stared at him as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. His mouth opened and closed a few times before he finally spoke. “You’re not angry with me?”

  Indy bent over and kissed his head. “No. I never was. It was never on your conscience, only on Duncan’s, on that of his men. They did this, not you.”

  “I thought for sure you would never even look at me again if you knew… I was so afraid of losing you all, of losing Josh.”

  Indy shook his head. “Don’t you realize how much Josh loves you? You could never lose him.”

  “You forgive me?”

  The incredulity was thick, and Indy had to take it away. “I forgave you the day Josh fell in love with you. His happiness trumps everything else, and he loves you so much…and you love him. You’re so good for him. But Connor, even if I had been upset, don’t you realize you redeemed yourself?” Indy cupped Connor’s cheeks, making sure the man listened. “Connor, you set me free. That was you and Josh, and I’ll never, ever be able to express my thanks for that.”

  “It was all Josh,” Connor whispered. “God, you should’ve seen it, Indy. I was right there in the room when he shot them, and he took them out in seconds. It was phenomenal. I wasn’t even scared, because I knew he wasn’t gonna miss.”

  “Oh, Connor, that was you as much as him. Don’t you see? Josh could not have done it had you not believed in him this much. It was your faith in him, in his skills and abilities, that gave him wings.”

  A hint of a smile broke through on Connor’s face and Indy let his hands fall. “You’re a sneaky one,” Connor said. “I told you we were never gonna speak about it again, and yet you got me to admit a hell of a lot more than I had ever planned on.”

  Indy shrugged, smiling back. “Deal with it.”

  Connor unfolded his legs to sit cross-legged on the grass. “How do I do that, Indy? How do I deal with this?”

  “What you and I have been through, it’s not the same. You lost someone you loved in a very traumatic way. Correct me if I’m wrong, Connor, but I don’t think you’re struggling with what happened to you. I think you’re struggling with what happened to Lucas.”

  The itch under his skin broke free. “I was so helpless… Every day they would come for us, and every day I knew there was a real chance he was not coming back. I was never scared for me, always for him.”

  “I know. This is what Josh feels, too, don’t you realize? His biggest trauma isn’t what happened to him. It’s what happened to Noah, while he was watching.”

  Connor swallowed visibly and Indy saw understanding dawning in his eyes. “Do I talk about this with him? I’m so scared of triggering him, of making his symptoms worse.”

  Indy ’s eyes filled with tears all over again. The fact that he and Connor could share their love for Josh, could take care of him together, it was…everything. “I don’t know, honestly. You could ask Noah, or Josh’s therapist. But let him see this. It will help him see he is lovable despite his trauma, you know? And maybe you could take the step of going into counseling yourself. I know it’s something I need to do… I’m just trying to find the courage.”

  Connor looked at Indy with love. “You are wise beyond your years, you know that? It was hard for me at first, to accept that you and Noah were such a huge part of Josh’s life. But the more I got to know you, the easier that became. Now, I consider myself lucky to have the two of you in my life. You keep saying how much Josh loves me and I him, and it’s true, but he loves you just as much and you love him. I vow to never be your competitor, Indy. I will never keep him from you, or you from him. I want us to love him together.”

  He rose and extended a hand to Indy, who let himself be pulled into Connor’s big arms. “I promise the same, Boston.”

  Connor pushed him back to meet his eyes. “Boston?”

  “If you’re okay with it, I’d like to start calling you Boston. I think it’s a fitting tribute to Lucas, and also to the wicked special relationship you and I have, sharing not just a background, but Josh.”

  Connor’s eyes filled up all over again. “I’d love that. Thank you.”

  23

  Brad thought he’d been very patient. Sure, he’d acted out when Connor had gotten that call because he knew it meant he wasn’t gonna get his reward, and that had been selfish. He’d realized it after, especially once he’d seen how devastated Connor had been.

  So he’d been a good boy the rest of that day. Josh had needed Miles, and Brad had been happy to do his part. He hadn’t complained once, had obeyed every order Miles had given him.

  Hell, he’d been good the whole week after. He’d taken care of Miles every chance he got, had made sure the man was as satisfied as he could be, realistically speaking. He’d let both Miles and Charlie fuck him whenever they wanted to. Not that that was a hardship, fuck no. He loved it when they used him, appreciated the sensation of a slightly tender ass when he went to work in the mornings.

  Miles only had to spank him twice, and both were debatable offenses in Brad’s mind. Really, Miles could be a tad sensitive to any suggestion of disrespect. But since the spankings weren’t entirely unpleasant—though Brad still hadn’t made up his mind whether he looked forward to them or feared them—he’d taken them without complaint.

  He’d helped Josh out a few times with laundry, knowing he was struggling to take care of Connor. Brad had seen the laundry baskets overflowing and had quietly stepped in, making sure there were enough clean sheets and towels.

  He’d also done some grocery shopping for Indy when he’d been short on supplies and had been too busy making sure everyone was okay to go to the store. Brad had stopped by the store on his way home and had worked down the entire list that had been on the refrigerator in the kitchen.

  Miles hadn’t commented on Brad’s efforts to contribute to their…household? He wasn’t sure what to call it, but he was determined to not be a bother any more than he’d already been. He felt like he was teetering on the edge of a cliff already, that any second now, they’d all grow tired of him.

  But now it was Friday evening, and Brad was exhausted. The end of the school year was always stressful and this year was no different. God, he’d love nothing more than another one of those daddy-days, where Miles took care of him and his mind could find total peace. Even the idea made his eyes grow a little misty, but he knew it wasn’t gonna happen. Miles didn’t have time for that anymore. Or energy. Or maybe the will.

  Brad parked his car in the broad driveway, making sure not to block anyone else. It could get busy with so many cars. Well, it was only temporary, right? They never had the discussion Miles had promised about the future, so Brad had no idea what would happen. And as time had passed, he’d started wondering if maybe Miles had changed his mind about being with Brad, about being his daddy. He sure hadn’t had much time for Brad this week.

  Brad sighed as he walked in the door, his shoulders low. The livi
ng room was empty, but he heard voices in the kitchen. He dumped his backpack near the front door, then picked it up again to put it in their room. Miles was being a total hypocrite about that, of course, considering he was a first-class slob, but Brad was not risking Miles getting upset with him. He already felt like it was slipping through his fingers, so he was doing everything he could to hold on to it.

  He kicked off his shoes, then neatly put them in the closet. Miles had forgotten to hang up his towels, of course, so after taking a piss, Brad quickly tidied up the bathroom. Before he left, he made the bed, then checked to make sure the room looked in order.

  When he walked into the kitchen, everyone was sitting at the big kitchen table, and for some reason he felt like an outsider. Josh was on Connor’s lap and Charlie was cuddling with Miles, and Noah and Indy were laughing, and Brad felt so damn alone he could cry. He was never gonna fit in here or anywhere else.

  “Hi, sweetheart,” Miles said when he spotted him.

  Brad looked at him, this beautiful man who had so much patience with him. He wanted nothing more than to crawl on his lap, into his arms, to seek protection and shelter. But he couldn’t, could he? Because Miles was growing tired of him being needy all the time. Miles preferred sweet and sassy Charlie, who didn’t have all these issues. Gorgeous Charlie who took Brad’s breath away every time he looked at him, and who’d stolen his heart so many years ago.

  He watched them, these two men he loved so much and who would be so perfectly happy if it wasn’t for him and his stupid fuck-ups. He hadn’t realized he’d taken a step back until the kitchen fell quiet, and concern replaced the warmth on Miles’ face. He took another step back, every breath painful. He couldn’t do this, couldn’t bear to wait for that ax to fall.

  He turned around, but before he could move again, Miles’ voice rung out. “Brad, no!”

  There was enough authority in it that Brad listened. He slowly turned back around. Miles gently pushed Charlie off his lap and walked toward Brad. “Why are you walking away, sweetheart?”