With All My Love

by Patricia Scanlan

  ‘How dare you speak to me like that, Valerie Harris?’ Tessa’s red-rimmed eyes blazed with fury. Her face was so contorted with anger Valerie took a step back. ‘You listen to me, you little madam, and listen well. If Jeff had wanted to marry you he would have, but he told me he didn’t love you enough and he wasn’t sure, that time when you got pregnant, and that’s why I wouldn’t have it. You only marry someone because you want to, not because you have to!’ Tessa shouted. ‘Don’t you understand that?’

  ‘Tessa! Stop it!’ Lorcan grabbed his wife by the arm while Terence turned and glared at them.

  ‘I’m sorry for your loss,’ he said, ‘but I’m even more sorry for her, who can’t even call herself a widow.’ He jerked his thumb in Valerie’s direction. ‘And that illegitimate child, who will never now have a proper father because you lot wouldn’t do the right thing.’

  ‘You have some nerve, Terence Harris, to talk to us like that. Jeff was a better father than you ever were,’ Tessa raged. ‘You wouldn’t even go to your own grandchild’s christening, you little old weasel, you. I won’t take any lectures from the likes of you. Now get out of here, the both of you, and let us grieve in peace.’ She pulled away from Lorcan, who was trying to shush them all, and went back into the room.

  ‘Valerie, please, Tessa’s not in her right mind. Don’t let’s have harsh words. Jeff wouldn’t want it,’ Lorcan pleaded as she began sobbing uncontrollably.

  ‘I’m bringing you home,’ Terence said gruffly. ‘Come on.’

  ‘Terence, I want Valerie to help make the arrangements. It’s her right. I’ll be in touch,’ Lorcan said agitatedly as he went to comfort his distraught wife.

  Valerie had no recollection of the journey home. She walked into the house she’d shared with Jeff and went upstairs to her daughter’s room. Briony was asleep, her thumb in her mouth, her hair half over her face. Valerie gently tucked it behind her ear and felt so lonesome as she stared down at her sleeping child. How would she explain to Briony that she would never see her daddy again?

  Carmel was sitting on the window-seat on the landing, waiting for her to come out. ‘I’ll stay the night. Come down and have some tea,’ she urged.

  ‘I just want to go to bed,’ Valerie said flatly. ‘I just want to be on my own, Mam.’ She went into the bedroom and undressed, and took the T-shirt Jeff had been wearing that morning and pulled it over her head. She could get the scent of him, the manly tang of his sweat and that faint hint of Old Spice aftershave. ‘The Mark of a Man,’ Lizzie used to tease him when the ad came on TV. She’d have to tell Lizzie and tell her boss that she’d be away from work for a while, but not now. Nothing now except her and Jeff.

  She drew the curtains on the red-tinted dusk that was beginning to darken the sea and sky, and got into Jeff’s side of the bed. She lay her head on his pillow, inhaled deep breaths and closed her eyes. He was here with her, she told herself. She could smell him, feel him. He wasn’t dead; it was all a bad dream. Soon he would come into the room, full of life and vigour, shouting ‘We won, we won, and I scored. You should have been there. Are you proud of me or what?’

  And she would say, as she always did, ‘Of course I’m proud of you. You’re my hero, aren’t you?’ And kiss him passionately.

  He’d be here soon, she knew it, she kept telling herself, but the dusk turned to indigo and then black, and Jeff never came. Then Valerie, shocked and petrified at how such a blow could be dealt to her so randomly and unanticipated, knew her life would never be the same. If Jeff could be taken from her, so too could Briony, her mother, Lizzie, anyone she held dear. Even she herself could be taken, she thought in shock.

  Because I could not stop for Death –

  He kindly stopped for me –

  The Carriage held but just Ourselves –

  And Immortality.

  The Emily Dickinson poem she had studied for her Leaving Certificate came unexpectedly to her mind. Had Death been kind? Or a betrayer? His polite and courteous way just an illusion?

  When Death had stopped for Jeff had he felt any pain or terror? Where was he now? What was he doing? Could he see them still? Hear them? Or was he trapped in that cold immobile body in the hospital? Was there nothing more for him?

  ‘Jeff, where are you? Come back to me,’ she called, sitting up. She strained in the dark, listening to see if he would answer, desperate for the comfort of some sign that Jeff had not abandoned her, but all she felt was the faintest breath of a breeze caressing her forehead.

  It was such a hot, muggy night in London. Lizzie lay in bed in her flat in Kensal Rise with just a sheet over her, listening to her husband snoring rhythmically beside her. She had felt a strange sense of unease all day. What was wrong with her? Was it PMT? She hadn’t got to call Valerie today because they had been at the afters of a wedding and it had been too late when she got home. She was going back to Rockland’s for a few days soon and she couldn’t wait to see everyone. She was looking forward so much to seeing family and friends.

  She was especially longing to see Valerie and Briony, and she and Valerie planned to visit Mrs M, who was now in a nursing home. Lizzie would enjoy the trip to Dublin with her best friend. It would be nice seeing their old landlady who, according to Valerie, was still as spirited as ever. Drowsiness overcame her and she lay in that relaxed state between waking and sleeping as thoughts flitted in and out of her brain. Three sharp raps on the window jolted her into wakefulness.

  ‘What in the name of God was that?’ she muttered, sitting bolt upright. Beside her, Dara snored on, blithely unaware of his wife’s angst. She slid out of bed, went over to the window and stared down into the empty street. Not a sinner around. Just leaves dropping stealthily onto cars and pavements as the trees slowly discarded their autumn costumes. Apprehension wrapped itself around her. Lizzie knew what the knocks on the window were; she had heard them before when both her grandparents had died. Someone close had passed. Someone was saying goodbye. If it were family her mother would have phoned. Was anyone sick or ailing that she could think of? Lizzie did a quick review of elderly relatives but couldn’t think of anyone to be greatly concerned about.

  Troubled, she got into bed and snuggled close to Dara. ‘God Bless you, whoever you are. Safe journey home,’ she whispered, dreading the phone’s ring and the sorrow that would surely follow.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  ‘I want him home, here with us.’ Tessa paced up and down the kitchen, her face drawn and pale after a sleepless night of grief and torment.

  ‘He’s Briony’s father, he’s Valerie’s partner – she has some say, Tessa,’ Lorcan argued tiredly.

  ‘He’s my son. I bore him, I’ll bury him.’ Tessa was implacable. ‘We’ll have the wake in the sitting room. He can look out over the sea one last time. And if she’s coming to see him –’ the word was said with the utmost disdain – ‘I’m going upstairs. I want to have nothing to do with her.’

  ‘Ah, Tessa, for the love of God—’

  ‘Here’s the Farrells. Let them in. I want to ring the undertaker.’ Tessa marched out to the phone in the hall. Lorcan shook his head in despair. Tessa was like a woman possessed; there was no reasoning with her.

  An hour later, Lorcan drew up outside Valerie’s house. Briony and Valerie’s mother were playing in the garden.

  ‘Lorcan, I’m so sorry for your loss.’ Carmel came to him and took his hand in hers.

  ‘I know you are,’ he said quietly. ‘But, Carmel, I’m sure you’ve heard, Tessa and Valerie had words and it’s very difficult. I want to talk to Valerie and see what her wishes are regarding the funeral. Tessa wants to wake him at home.’

  ‘She’s inside. She’s in shock. And I know the circumstances are problematic and the reality is that because they weren’t married she has no say. She’s not next of kin. So whatever kindness you can offer my daughter in this regard, Lorcan, I’ll be very grateful for it,’ Carmel said sadly, knowing that he wasn’t causing the problems. She had spent the morn
ing explaining to Valerie that despite the fact that they were living together for the past three years and had a child, because she was not married to Jeff she had no say at all, legally, in his funeral arrangements. She was not the one asked to identify his body, or the one to whom custody of his body was given. That had been Tessa.

  Valerie had been so numb with shock, Carmel wondered whether her daughter had heard any of what she’d said, but just before Carmel had taken Briony out to play, Valerie had stood looking out to sea.

  ‘I’m not going to fight her for him. She never wanted to let him go. She was always telling him what to do. If he’d really wanted to he could have stood up to her more. But he didn’t. And he never asked me to marry him. And that makes me feel bitter and angry. And I have to live with that for the rest of my life. Fighting with her in the hospital was horrible. I won’t lower myself to her level again,’ she said resolutely.

  ‘She has lost a child,’ Carmel said gently. ‘Time will ease the pain for both of you although you won’t think it now. I’m glad you’ve come to this decision. It’s the best for you and Briony right now.’

  ‘He did love me, you know. Just not enough to marry me.’ Her face crumpled and she dissolved into tears.

  ‘I know he did, Valerie. And perhaps he would have married you in time.’ Carmel held her weeping daughter and silent tears slid down her own cheeks. There was nothing she could do to prevent Valerie going through this heart-wrenching sorrow. She felt utterly helpless in the face of it. She’d taken Briony out into the garden so she wouldn’t see her mother’s distress. She’d been surprised when Jeff’s father had arrived.

  Lorcan Egan was doing his best, Carmel acknowledged as she looked at his exhausted, grey-tinged face. ‘I have to try and stand up for my daughter, just as Tessa feels she has to do the same for Jeff. But she’s not going to fight any more. Tessa can do what she wants for the funeral.’

  ‘I understand that, Carmel, and I’ll do my best for Valerie. Try not to judge Tessa too harshly. She’s demented with grief,’ Lorcan said, and his eyes lit up as he saw his grandchild hurrying towards him.

  ‘Gandad. Gandad.’ Briony flung herself at him, hugging his leg tightly and he lifted her up and swung her in the air as he always did and she shrieked with delight.

  ‘Hello, sweetheart. Who’s the best little girl in the whole wide world?’ he said as he always did, while she pulled his hair and his heart caught as he saw how much she resembled Jeff when she turned her head to look down at him.

  ‘I have to talk to Mammy, chicken. I’ll be back out in a minute,’ he said, regretfully lowering her gently to the ground. He followed Carmel into the house. Valerie was sitting at the kitchen table staring unseeingly out of the window.

  ‘Are you OK, Valerie?’ he asked, more out of politeness and something to say. Clearly she wasn’t. How could she be? ‘I need to talk to you about the arrangements,’ he said, sitting beside her at the table while Carmel filled the kettle. ‘Is there anything you’d like to be done? Any hymns or prayers in the Mass you’d like included? Have you thought about it at all?’

  ‘Not really, Lorcan,’ Valerie said dully. ‘Because he’s not mine to bury, he’s not mine to make arrangements for. He’s Tessa’s. He always was and now he always will be.’

  ‘No.’ Lorcan shook his head. ‘He’s as much yours as ours, and he’s Briony’s daddy. We must all remember that.’

  ‘She’s too young to know what’s going on. She’ll have no memories of this. I won’t be bringing her to the funeral.’

  ‘Bring her to the Mass, at least,’ he urged. ‘When she’s older that will mean something to her.’

  ‘OK,’ she said reluctantly.

  ‘Do you mind if we wake him at home?’ Lorcan asked hesitantly.

  Valerie looked at him, her blue eyes cloudy with grief. ‘I’ve already said, Lorcan, he’s yours. Do what you want to do.’

  ‘Will you come and see him in the house? You can be with him by yourself, if you’d like that. Just tell me what you want,’ Lorcan said, so earnestly that she felt sorry for him. He had always been very kind to her.

  ‘All right, I’ll come, as long as I don’t have to see Tessa,’ she said quietly.

  ‘That’s OK,’ he said. ‘I’ll sort that for you, and if you think of anything for the Mass that you’d like, let me know. Ring me at any time of the night or day, Valerie, if you need me. Any time!’ he emphasized.

  Carmel placed a mug of tea in front of him. ‘Did you find out what happened to Jeff?’ she asked.

  ‘They’re doing the autopsy today but they think it was a heart attack.’ Lorcan swallowed hard and his eyes filled with tears.

  ‘A heart attack! But he’s too young. He was never sick!’ Valerie exclaimed.

  Lorcan nodded, unable to speak.

  ‘Oh, Lorcan, don’t.’ Valerie stood up and put her arms around him and they wept together, their tears mingling on each other’s cheeks, holding each other tightly. Carmel silently left them to their grief and went out to push Briony on the swing.

  ‘It’s unbelievable.’ Lorcan drew away from Valerie a while later. ‘Never a day sick in his life and as strong as an ox. What will we do without him?’

  ‘I think I’m in a dream,’ she confessed.

  ‘I know.’

  ‘If I write him a letter can I put it in the coffin?’

  ‘Of course you can, pet. Anything you want, just tell me.’ Lorcan wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

  ‘I’ll get Briony to draw him a picture,’ Valerie said. ‘Yes, a letter and a picture, that’s what we’ll do.’

  ‘I’ll ring you when I know more about when we’re getting him home, and then we’ll make the funeral arrangements. Have you told Lizzie?’

  ‘Yeah, I phoned her this morning. She heard three knocks on the window last night so she knew someone had died, but she got an awful shock when she heard it was Jeff.’ Valerie’s lip wobbled. Saying the words ‘Jeff ’ and ‘died’ together was surreal.

  ‘Did she hear the knocks?’ Lorcan was astonished.

  ‘I always thought that was folklore,’ Valerie admitted.

  ‘Oh, no, it’s very real. It’s considered a gift in my part of the country. A gift that someone would knock to say goodbye. But then she was very good to Jeff, letting him stay in the flat and everything. He always had the height of praise for her.’ Lorcan took a draught of tea as she sat down beside him again.

  ‘Lizzie’s a great friend. The best,’ Valerie said.

  ‘Lean on her. Lean on everyone who offers you their shoulder and lean on me,’ Lorcan said. He stood up to go. ‘Things will settle down again between you and Tessa. She’s a hothead and always was, but she’s got a big heart, Valerie, and Jeff was her favourite although she would never let on.’

  ‘I know, Lorcan,’ Valerie nodded, but that was just to pacify him and treat him kindly because she knew she would never have any dealings with Tessa Egan again. That woman would never get to hurt her like she had in the past. Jeff’s death cut any ties that bound her and his mother. Lorcan she would always care for.

  ‘I’ll ring you,’ he said, giving her a hug, and then he was gone. She could hear him making Briony squeal again with another swing in the air.

  Valerie sat numbly in the kitchen after he had left. It was so strange, but she still expected Jeff to barge through the door any minute with his football kit, saying, ‘Any chance of a cup of coffee?’ while he filled the washing machine with his mucky gear. Or to hear him say, ‘I’ll get the dinner today – will I make my special coq au vin?’ Or, ‘Can we get a babysitter? I want to bring my doll out for a drink.’

  She’d never hear him say those things to her again. She would see him in his coffin, see that coffin buried deep in the ground and that was it. That would be her last contact with Jeff. She heard Lorcan’s car drive off and went out to call Briony inside.

  ‘Darling, come and draw a picture for Daddy. He’s going up to Holy God and we won’t see him until it’
s our turn to go up, so draw the best picture you can and pick out a nice present to give him,’ she said, kissing her daughter’s bouncy curls.

  ‘But why is he going? Does Holy God want him to do some work for him?’ Briony studied her intently. ‘You have red eyes, Mammy, why are your eyes red?’

  ‘Hay fever,’ fibbed Valerie.

  ‘Does Holy God want Daddy to get him some fish for his dinner?’

  ‘Exactly,’ agreed Valerie, loving the way her daughter’s mind worked.

  ‘I’ll draw Daddy a merrymaid and he can have the merrymaid shell I collected yesterday,’ Briony declared, struggling to escape from Valerie’s grasp so she could begin her task immediately. She hurried to get her paper and crayons from the sideboard in the sitting room.

  ‘I’ll help you,’ said Carmel when Briony came back into the kitchen with her drawing kit.

  ‘I can do it mine own self, thank you, Granny,’ Briony said determinedly, hauling herself up onto the chair to draw the most important picture of her life.

  ‘I’m going to write Jeff a letter,’ Valerie said.

  ‘I’ll leave you to it and go home and get some chores done and I’ll be back later then,’ Carmel said, squeezing Valerie’s shoulder. Valerie placed her hand on her mother’s. ‘Thanks for everything, Mam.’

  ‘I’m your mother, that’s what mothers are for,’ Carmel said, giving her a hug, and then she was gone and there were just the two of them. Briony, head bent, tongue sticking out at the side of her mouth, with fierce concentration was drawing furiously. Valerie stood up, went to the drawer in the dresser and rooted for a writing pad and a pen. She sat down beside her daughter and opened the pad. She wrote,

  My Darling Jeff,

  I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. For all the time we’ve been together I’ve always loved you. And I’ll always love you. I had enough love for both of us. I just wish you had loved me as much. I wish you had loved me enough to marry me. The truth is now I feel angry and bitter and sad and resentful. It’s horrible feeling angry with you, but I feel you’ve abandoned me and Briony. I’m in such turmoil I don’t know where to turn or what to do. I hope these feelings will fade and I’ll feel only the love again.