With All My Love

by Patricia Scanlan

  I know you felt trapped when I got pregnant and I never wanted that for you, but you stood by me and became the best father a man could be. You loved Briony with all your heart and that love made a man of you.

  I’m sorry for all the times I nagged and I’m sorry for moaning about how much time you spent training. I know you loved football but I loved you and wanted to spend time with you. We had such fun, though, didn’t we? No one could make me laugh like you did . . . well maybe Lizzie . . . I could write a book of Remembers. Remember when we did this? Remember when we did that? There were times that you made me very, very happy and I hope and pray I made you feel the same. Thank you for my darling Briony. She is our gift and will always be a symbol of our love.

  I will always cherish every memory of you, my darling Jeff, but the one I cherish most, apart from the birth of our daughter, is of dancing with you in the kitchen last Saturday night.

  Roam across the heavens, Beloved Sailor, but don’t forget when that tide turns there is someone here who loves you with all their heart, mind, body and soul.

  With all my love,

  Valerie XXXXXXX

  She read what she had written, knowing it was the truth, even the ugly angry bits. She was very angry with Jeff, so angry. But she loved him too, so much. She kissed the letter, folded it, and put it in an envelope. She went to the dresser where a stack of tapes lay in a higgledy-piggledy heap and rummaged until she found the birthday tape with the collection of songs she’d compiled for him. That tape of songs they had played and danced to. She knew she could never listen to it again. She took the letter out and added a PS.

  Sing, my lovely Jeff, sing to our songs, and wait for me to come and dance with you. XXX

  Tessa might have him now but she’d never have what they’d had, Valerie thought as she placed the letter and tape in an envelope, sealed it with Sellotape and wrote Jeff’s name on the front.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  Tessa’s heart contracted and she gave a little whimper as Lorcan, Steven, and Lisa’s husband stood under Jeff’s coffin with the undertakers to carry him into the house. At least her son was home, she comforted herself, as Lisa slipped a supportive arm around her waist. She would have her darling boy for the rest of today and tonight, before surrendering him to the Church for the removal and funeral.

  ‘You just give us a few minutes now to get him settled, Tessa,’ Timmy Roche, the undertaker, said to her as they stood back while the coffin was carried into the sitting room. She and Lisa had spent the morning preparing the room. It was filled with vases of multicoloured gladioli and roses from the garden. There was nothing funereal about the room. Tessa wanted it to be bright and colourful to match the vista of sparkling blue sea and the carpet of gold and emerald that dressed the fields outside. Jeff would not have wanted a sombre setting, of that she was sure. She had a Chieftains’ tape playing on his old boom box.

  A few minutes later Timmy came out to her. ‘You can come in now, Tessa.’ He led her into the room where her youngest child lay, eyes closed, that half-smile on his face, so peaceful he could just be asleep.

  ‘Aah, darling,’ she crooned, caressing his face. ‘We have you home safe and sound.’ Lorcan came to stand beside her and together they looked down at their son as she murmured endearments and told him how much she loved him. Lisa and Steven came and stood at the other side of the casket, and the family was once more united for those precious moments alone before extended family and friends would come to pay their respects and he would be theirs no longer.

  Tessa wished they didn’t have to come. She couldn’t help it. She just wanted it to be the four of them spending that last day and night with Jeff before he was gone from them for good. But people were kind, and Jeff had many friends, as did they, and they wanted to support the family. And that was the way it was, especially in a small village where everyone knew everyone else and hardship and loss were a shared experience. For now, though, Jeff was theirs and they spoke to him of their love for him and their pride in him and their sorrow at his leaving.

  Later in the afternoon, when many people had called and offered their sympathies, and brought cake and scones and other offerings, and after they’d all been given tea, there was a welcome lull. Lorcan turned to Tessa, who was sitting on the sofa looking beyond Jeff to the vista their big French doors afforded. ‘I’m going to ring Valerie to tell her to come while it’s a bit quiet.’

  ‘If you must,’ she said resignedly. ‘I’ll just go upstairs.’

  ‘Could you not make your peace with her, Tess, for all our sakes, for Jeff’s sake, for Briony’s sake?’ he urged.

  ‘Don’t! Don’t! Today of all days, Lorcan, leave me be,’ she snapped, and turned her head away from him.

  ‘One other thing we have to sort,’ he said gravely.

  ‘What?’ She wouldn’t look at him.

  ‘Valerie sits with the family in the church. In the front seat with us.’

  ‘No, Lorcan! I don’t want her next or near me.’

  ‘She can sit beside me or Lisa,’ he said quietly.

  ‘No—’

  ‘Tessa, you’ve got everything you wanted for Jeff’s funeral. I want this and that’s the end of it.’

  She knew there was no arguing with him. When Lorcan spoke in that tone of voice, she had learned not to argue.

  ‘Fine,’ she said coldly, and turned away from him, seething that he would take Valerie’s side against her. Lorcan shook his head and went out to make his phone call as Tessa sat in silent fury.

  Valerie was coming here to the house, against her wishes. She was going to be sitting in the front row of the church with them, against her wishes, and because she was Briony’s mother, she would be a part of Tessa’s life and a thorn in her side for ever and a day. It was bad enough grieving the loss of her son without having to accommodate that spiteful, sharp-tongued little madam. Tessa sat in her sitting room and felt a great sorrow for herself. Just when she and Lorcan should be most united as a couple, they were most divided. And it was all Valerie Harris’s fault.

  Lorcan came out to the yard as soon as Valerie drove into it and she knew he must have been waiting for her. ‘Gandad,’ Briony yelled from her booster seat in the back. ‘Hello, pet.’ Lorcan opened the back door for her. ‘And who have we got here? The best little girl in the whole wide world, is it?’ Briony giggled and held her arms up to him.

  ‘I thought you might like to see her,’ Valerie said quietly. ‘But I won’t bring her into the sitting room.’

  ‘Thank you, Valerie. She puts a balm on the ache,’ Lorcan said, holding his grandchild tightly and kissing her curls. ‘You can have as much time as you want with him. No one will disturb you.’

  Her eyes welled up and she turned away so Briony wouldn’t see. She followed Lorcan into the kitchen, sick to her stomach. None of the others would probably talk to her after the row with Tessa. She had never felt so alone in her life. Carmel had wanted to come with her but she had said no, this was something she had to do alone. She was afraid if Tessa went off on one of her rants, more words would be exchanged and she didn’t want that. Carmel had enough of her own troubles.

  ‘I’ll take Briony up to see her gran. Take all the time you need, Valerie,’ Lorcan said, leading the little girl through the kitchen and handing her a fairy cake from one of the plates piled with goodies.

  ‘Thanks, Lorcan,’ she said gratefully. Jeff’s father was one of the most decent men she had ever met, she acknowledged as her daughter said happily. ‘Yum, yum, Gandad.’

  The kitchen looked like a bakery with all the cakes and pastries people had brought with them laid out on the table. A neighbour had brought a casserole, someone else had brought a tureen of potato soup and chunky Vienna rolls. There was enough food to feed an army. Lisa was the first person she saw. She was drying cups and putting them away in the press. Jeff’s sister hurried to her side and put her arms around her, and then Valerie was sobbing into her shoulder.

  ‘Oh
Lisa, Lisa, Lisa, what am I going to do? I can’t bear it,’ she wept brokenly.

  ‘I know, I know.’ The older girl cried with her, stroking her back as she held her. ‘Come on in and see him. He looks lovely,’ Lisa said eventually, taking her hand. She followed Jeff’s sister into the sitting room and one of his aunts, who was sitting there, stood up to leave. ‘I’m sorry for your loss,’ she said kindly, pressing Valerie’s hand, and then she was gone and it was just her and Lisa. Valerie walked over to where her darling lay as though asleep.

  ‘Please come back to me, Jeff. Please don’t be dead,’ she said urgently, frantically, half expecting his eyes to open at any moment and a big grin spread across his face. Seeing him like this, so motionless, but yet so himself, lying in a coffin, sent emotions rushing through her. He couldn’t really be dead. He was too young, much too young. He was her Jeff, her healthy, vibrant sweetheart.

  ‘Oh, Jeff, I’m scared. I can’t do this without you. Please come back to us,’ she pleaded.

  But his eyes never opened and his smile never changed.

  ‘You just talk to him and I’ll leave you to have some privacy,’ Lisa said, unable to bear it, imagining how she would feel if her young husband was lying in a coffin. She left the room and closed the door so Valerie could have Jeff to herself one last time.

  As Valerie stared down at him, stunned and shocked, it finally began to sink in that he would never come back to her. ‘I love you, Jeff, I always have,’ she said fervently, and began to talk to him of all that he had ever meant to her. She opened her bag and took out Briony’s drawing of a gleeful mermaid with a huge red crayoned grin, and slipped it and the conch into the coffin beside him. She kissed her letter before placing it on his chest. She didn’t kiss his face when she said goodbye; instead she put her lips to his hair so she wouldn’t have to feel the coldness of him. Her heart was thumping so loud she was sure it could be heard in the rest of the house.

  A dazed numbness settled on her as she walked into the kitchen. She could not bear to think that this was the last time she’d ever see Jeff. But she could not sink into the hysteria that threatened to overwhelm her. She had a child to think of. She couldn’t frighten her daughter.

  ‘Will you get Briony for me?’ she asked Lisa, who was sipping tea. ‘I’ll be out in the car. And thank you for making me welcome,’ she said shakily.

  ‘Valerie, you’re family, you were Jeff’s partner – why would I not make you welcome?’

  ‘Thanks, Lisa. You were always very kind to me.’ Valerie gave her a hug and walked out into the evening sun.

  A lark was singing its heart out. The muted drone of a combine harvester gathering the last of the harvest, and the cooing notes of a pair of doves in one of Tessa’s apple trees, drifted along on the breeze. Everything seemed so normal. But nothing was normal. Nothing would ever be normal again, Valerie thought, raising her face to the sun as she waited for her daughter.

  ‘It’s time to go now, darling,’ Tessa said sadly, watching as Briony studied herself in the dressing table mirror. She wore two necklaces, bangles, a hat and some lipstick, and she had spent the last twenty minutes clip-clopping around in a pair of her grandmother’s high heels. Lorcan and Tessa, despite their despair, had smiled at each other as she put on a show for them, thrilled with herself in her finery.

  ‘Let me wipe that lipstick off,’ Tessa said, pulling a tissue from a box on the dressing table.

  ‘Please, Gramma, pleeeease can I leave it on?’ Briony begged.

  ‘Mom might not like it,’ Tessa demurred.

  ‘She won’t mind. She lets me wear lipstick,’ her granddaughter assured her confidently.

  ‘I don’t think Valerie will mind,’ Lisa said as she removed the necklaces and hat and put Briony’s little shoes back on.

  Tessa held out her arms and Briony snuggled in tight. ‘I love you, Gramma,’ she said, wrapping her small arms around Tessa’s neck.

  ‘And I love you.’ Tessa’s lip quivered and Lisa, fearing her mother was about to dissolve into tears, took Briony by the hand and led her from the bedroom.

  When she was gone, Tessa burst into tears. Silently Lorcan took her in his arms and she rested her head against his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart. The doorbell rang downstairs. More people were arriving to offer condolences. ‘Stay here for a while,’ Lorcan said, handing her a tissue. ‘I’ll go down and see to the neighbours.’

  ‘Thanks,’ she gulped, wiping her eyes. She had a thumping headache. She rooted in her bedside locker and found a carton of paracetamol and shook two out in her palm. She looked at the pile of white tablets nestling in their container and for a brief, mad moment thought how easy it would be to take them all, to end this nightmare of grief and despair and join her beloved son wherever he was. Regretfully she put the cap back on. Life would have to be endured. She couldn’t do that to Lorcan or her other children.

  Tessa took a deep breath, squared her shoulders and went downstairs to meet a group of Jeff’s teammates who were completely stunned and devastated, and hardly knew what to say to her. Most of the village had been through her door, she reflected. Jeff was very popular and that gave her some solace as she led his friends in to him to say their last farewells.

  ‘Where did you get the lovely lipstick?’ Valerie asked Briony when Lisa led her out to the car.

  ‘Gramma let me put it on an’ I was wearing hee hiles too,’ she said proudly.

  ‘Hee hiles, lucky you!’ Valerie exclaimed, sharing an unexpected smile with Lisa. ‘See you tomorrow then,’ she said to Jeff’s sister after she’d secured Briony in her car seat.

  ‘Will you come for the closing of the casket?’ Lisa asked.

  Valerie shook her head. ‘No. I don’t want to see that. I’ll meet up with you at the church,’ she said as another car arrived at the gate. A man and woman got out and there was something familiar about them, Valerie thought as she squinted against the sun. And then she recognized Lizzie and she was running to her, calling her name. ‘Lizzie! Lizzie! Lizzie!’

  ‘It’s all right, I’m here,’ Lizzie said, wrapping her arms around her, holding her tightly.

  ‘Oh, Lizzie, I’ll never get through this, ever,’ Valerie whispered.

  ‘You will, Valerie, you will,’ Lizzie said steadily, struggling not to cry. ‘You have Briony. She’ll get you through it, I swear to God she will. And I’ll be with you for the funeral. One day at a time is all you have to deal with right now.’

  ‘Oh, Lizzie, wait until you see him. You’d just think he was asleep but he’s cold. So cold.’

  ‘I’ll go in now with Dara and pay my respects, and then I’ll go home and say hello to Ma and Da, and then I’ll come and stay the night. And we’ll talk about him all night for as long as you want, all right?’ She smiled at Valerie.

  ‘Thank you, thank you so much, Lizzie. I’d love that,’ Valerie said, utterly relieved that she was with the one person in the world who truly understood how she felt.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

  When Valerie stood with Lizzie by her side and watched Jeff’s coffin being carried by his father, brother and male relatives and friends, into St Anthony’s the following evening, it was as though she was completely detached. She couldn’t understand it. It was as though someone had flicked a switch to ‘off ’.

  She walked up the aisle behind Tessa and Lisa, wishing she could slip into a seat at the side where no one would take any notice of her, but Lorcan had driven over to her that morning to see how she was and to ask her if she would sit in the front seat with the family. ‘It’s what Jeff would want, Valerie, and it’s what I want,’ he said firmly. ‘Your place is with us.’

  She hesitated. ‘But what about Tessa?’

  ‘Family is family,’ he said, lifting Briony into his arms for a hug and a kiss, and Valerie felt she couldn’t deny him.

  She never heard a word of the service. All she could think about was the bittersweet pleasure of the previous evening when she and
Lizzie had sat beside the fire she had lit because the early autumn nights were chilly, and they had talked and talked and talked. She had relived all of her relationship with Jeff, and Lizzie had listened patiently and even reminded her of a few things she’d forgotten.

  The sound of the Rosary being recited jolted her back to reality and she said the prayers to the Blessed Mother, thinking that she had never until now appreciated the words of the response to the Hail Mary. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen. How glibly she had uttered that response thousands of times in her life – now and at the hour of our death – and now it was Jeff’s death that she called on the Holy Mother to pray for. Whenever she said those words again it would be Jeff she would think of.

  She glanced over to the gleaming mahogany coffin that Tessa had selected, and caught the other woman’s eye. Tessa, white as a sheet, her hands clutching her rosary beads, turned her head away sharply. There would be no reconciliation with Jeff’s mother, no matter what Lorcan might wish, Valerie realized forlornly. At one level she didn’t care. They’d never liked each other. They’d made the effort when Valerie and Jeff had come back to Rockland’s but it had been superficial, just for family’s sake. There was no affection between them, never had been and never would be. But she did like the rest of Jeff’s family and that was where the difficulty lay.

  Father O’Shea concluded the ceremony and then the congregation moved forward as hundreds of mourners lined up to shake their hand and offer murmured words of sympathy. When it was over, Tessa walked out of the seat without a backward glance towards Valerie. Lizzie, who had been sitting a few pews behind, waiting for her, hastened to her side.