The Cave Emu

by Merv Lambert

  Colin was tempted to shout, “They’re behind you!” but these were no pantomime ghosts. It was no laughing matter. The Ugly Brothers were back. Each brandished a huge curved sword in one hand.

  Ugg Lee Too crowed,” The palace is surrounded by our men. The Forbidden City? What Forbidden City? It has already fallen. Everyone can get in now.”

  Ugg Lee Wun then snatched up the Emperor’s beloved little grandson So Hi and rushed over to a wall to one side of that part of the garden. It was just a bit taller than him.

  Some fifty feet below it could be heard the waters of a fast flowing river. One large fist held the terrified little boy high in the air. So Hi screamed. He did not want to be thrown into the river. The villain laughed triumphantly, as his evil brother stepped up to his side. The Emperor, horrified, was standing as if frozen.

  “Say goodbye to the future Emperor of China!” yelled Ugg Lee Too. He was so full of his gleeful boasting that he that he had not noticed Colin closing in on him, and of course the Uglies had not seen M.

  Ugg Lee Wun felt a sudden sharp, excruciating pain in his bicep the large muscle at the top of his thick arm. Instinctively he lowered it, gasping in anguish. M had jabbed him with his beak. At the same moment Colin snatched the little boy to safety.

  Then two surprising things happened before the very eyes of all the onlookers. First Ugg Lee Wun seemed to jump high in the air and topple over the wall into the river below. Next Fleddy the dragon, flying very fast, zoomed through the air, seized Ugg Lee Too in his talons and dropped him to join his brother in the surging waters of the river, from which loud screams were now heard. The Emperor awoke from his rather dazed state, and followed by everyone else, except Charlotte and Daniel, who were held back by Olivia, dashed to see the fate of the Ugly Brothers., who, now in the grip of two large alligators were being submerged in the racing waters, as they were swept along.

  The Emperor turned his back on them and declared, “They are gone. They got what they deserved. They are already forgotten. That is my command.”

  Colin felt the bookmark tucked away in his robes pulse its approval.

  Turning to Colin, the Emperor said, “Thank you, Koh Lin, for saving my grandson. You are a true friend.” Then he nodded at the dragon, and said, “Well done, Fleddy.”

  The dragon seemed to swell with pride. It was the first time the Emperor had ever spoken to him. His two little friends, the small dogs, scampered around him in delight, and M offered him a high five with his beak.

  The rest of the evening passed off quite uneventfully with everyone playing crazy gofe with the Emperor, and M taught Fleddy how to slide on his bottom down the roofs of the pagoda. Orange Blossom was particularly surprised by her father, the Emperor. She remarked to Olivia and Colin, “I’ve never seen him so relaxed and sociable, so friendly.”

  Finally, as dusk began to fall, Olivia said to Colin, “The children are getting tired now. It’s time they were home in bed, so it’s time to make our farewells.”

  Once again the bookmark pulsed to show its agreement, so Colin approached the Emperor, bowed, and said, “O great Emperor, it has been a pleasure and an honour to meet you again and this time with my family. But, as you doubtless know, we are from another place and another time. Now we must depart.”

  The Emperor smiled, placed a hand on Colin’s shoulder and replied, “Koh Lin, you are a remarkable man. You may return any time you wish. Goodbye, my esteemed and honourable friend.”

  Then Colin picked up Charlotte in his arms, and Olivia picked up Daniel, and they went to say farewell to Orange Blossom, Si Thru, Little So Hi, who was almost asleep, Fah Flung, Ai Dun and Hoo Flung, and even Yoo Hoo, who had never ceased talking, as she made her way round the crazy gofe course. Sammy and M also said they goodbyes to Fleddy and Poo Chi, as Colin raised his hand to wave. Right on cue the magic phoenix bookmark flashed bright red. A moment later they were all home safe in their own kitchen.

  Sammy went to lie down in his basket, remembering the myriad of new exciting smells he had encountered and enjoyed in this latest adventure. Olivia laid two elegantly decorated fans, a small one for Charlotte and a larger one for herself on the table. Colin placed Daniel’s gift from the Emperor, a small neatly carved Chinese lion, next to them, before ushering the children upstairs to bed. In the side pocket of his jacket rested the gift the Emperor had given to him personally. It too was small - an exquisitely carved jade dragon. He knew it was probably worth millions of pounds, but he would never part with it. Then a few minutes later he came back downstairs. He had a sudden thought. “I wonder what M’s brought back this time.” Immediately he glanced out of the window at the back lawn of the garden. There was the emu in the semi-darkness with a red putter held in his beak practising hitting a small ball into a little empty flower-pot turned on its side. A second thought, as usual, immediately followed the first. “Whatever will he do next?” But that’s another story.

  An Emu on Safari

  “Colonel Chumbley doesn’t like to be kept waiting. Come on. Chop! Chop!”

  Colin assumed this rather old fashioned phrase intended presumably to make him hurry up was aimed at him, as he seemed to be the only other person standing in the hotel lobby apart from a uniformed member of the hotel staff. However, also present was M, his faithful (but invisible to all except certain members of Colin’s family) emu friend. Moreover neither M nor Colin liked to be ordered to hurry up, so Colin sat down in one of the rather faded armchairs there, and started to consider how he had just got here. Of course he knew it was the phoenix up to its tricks again. Thirty seconds ago Colin and M had been at home looking through his special book, when the phoenix on the magic bookmark had given an uncharacteristic little sneeze. Instead of the usual red, or even green, flash there had been no signal that this was the start of another adventure. Now M had gone to stand on the receptionist’s desk, and was leaning over the pompous little man, his beak nearly touching his bald head. Then he leant further forward and invisibly pressed the bellpush on the desk. The clerk nearly jumped a foot in the air in fright. Who had done that? He turned round, glaring suspiciously at Colin, who remained sitting in the armchair and ignoring him, whilst reading a brochure he had just picked up from the pile of them on the small table next to him. M rang the bell again, and again the clerk was almost startled out of his wits. He spun round fearfully, but again he could see no one who could have rung the bell. In fact M would have continued this delightful little game, but Colin shook his head to tell him to stop. Hmm! At least he now had an idea of where in the world they had ended up for the moment. Hmm, indeed! Somewhere in Africa! Why had the phoenix brought them here? He felt he was about to find out.

  A shadow fell across the doorway. A chunky man stood there. He was wearing a khaki army-style sweater, khaki chino trousers and a red beret that looked oddly out of place hanging over one ear surrounded by bristly grey hair. Of course his boots were polished to a high sheen. He wore the kind of thick moustache that would have been expected of a military officer one hundred years ago. Hands on hips, he glared at Colin. Then he pointed a stubby finger at him.

  “What are you doing lazing about here?” he roared. “You’re needed on this safari.”

  Colin smiled at this rather pompous idiot and calmly remarked, “I thought you were going to say something more dramatic like ‘Your Country needs you!’...” Then he said, “Colonel Chumbley I presume?”

  “Yes, yes!” snapped the other. “Come on! Get a move on! The others are already waiting in the jeeps. Rather a dicey-looking bunch I think.”

  Slowly Colin rose from his chair and followed the man outside. M was already standing in the back of the second jeep. Colin had expected that. What astounded him was that seated in the jeep were Olivia, Charlotte, Daniel,, Auntie Flo and also Mrs. Biggle. They were all wearing sunhats and sunglasses and were all clutching cameras.

  Mrs. Biggle was
grinning from ear to ear. She squealed like a schoolgirl and declared, “This is like a dream. I’ve never been to Africa before. I’ve only seen the animals at the zoo or on the wildlife programmes on T.V.”

  Chumbley came hustling round from the first jeep to give instructions.

  “Your driver will be Sergeant Ntaka here. He indicated a tall black man dressed in a safari ranger’s uniform complete with a peaked cap. His smile was a display of large white teeth.

  Chumbley continued, “You know, I served in the army in many countries, and I’m quite well known as a big game hunter.” Here he paused and gave what he thought was a modest smile. Instead it looked like a conceited smirk. Then he went on, “I’ve shot just about everything, everything that is except an elephant. I know. I know. You are only here to shoot with cameras, and I must say I’m surprised that the government has allowed two small children and a dog on this trip.”

  Sammy gave a contented woof. He was sitting on Olivia’s lap, sniffing the air and enjoying the thousands of new smells in yet another country.

  Chumbley finished his speech. “The memsahib, my wife will sit in the lead vehicle with me, and please call me Colonel, as that is my rank.”

  “Not any more,” Colin murmured to Olivia. “And he’s showing off calling his missus the memsahib just to show that he served in India.”

  “I can’t see much of her,” replied Olivia, pointing to a figure in the passenger seat of the vehicle in front of the roofed, but open-sided one they were sitting in. “She’s hidden by that enormous hat.”

  “I like it,” piped up Charlotte, who had been chattering to Auntie Flo. “It’s a perfect straw circle.”

  “Where are all the animals?” asked Daniel. “I like talking to them.”

  “But they don’t talk back to you, do they,” laughed Mrs. Biggle. Little did she know!

  Auntie Flo winked knowingly at Olivia, who grinned back at her.

  “Off we go!” shouted Chumbley, as the two vehicles set off in convoy.

  Within a few minutes they were travelling across a vast plain with a dramatic backdrop of snow-covered mountains in the distance. M was perched proudly on the roof of the vehicle, looking all around him.

  “Where are we, Daddy?” asked Charlotte.

  “We’re in Kenya,” replied Colin.

  All the time their driver, Sgt. Ntaka, kept pointing out the various animals and birds, and everyone was enjoying what was a surprisingly smooth trip on a glorious sunny day.

  Soon they pulled up near a waterhole, where some elephants were drinking and rolling in the mud. Sgt. Ntaka smiled at the little boy, who seemed to be shouting something to one of the young elephants. Then the youngster seemed to listen for a few moments before starting up again. He really was making some peculiar noises. ‘Oh, well, the games children play,’ he thought. The rest of the guests were busy taking photos. What he did not know was that Daniel had discovered that the elephant called himself Loki. On hearing this Olivia said, “Low key? That sounds rather modest.”

  Colin disagreed. “No, Loki is the Norse god of mischief. I think sparks are going to fly.”

  He noticed that Auntie Flo had just made a small gesture exactly at the same moment that the magic phoenix bookmark throbbed once in the top pocket of his shirt, and he saw that M was now sitting on Loki’s back with his long legs tucked under the elephant’s ears. Loki could obviously see the emu, and they had instantly become friends. They were now wandering gently around among the herd. All the other elephants were aware of M and didn’t mind him at all.

  Suddenly there was an angry shout from the lead vehicle. A tall angular woman stood up, clutching at her large straw hat. It was the memsahib, Mrs. Chumbley.

  “No, Charles, no! It’s not allowed in this country! Listen to me for once! It’s illegal! No, no, no!”

  Her husband also stood up. Angrily he shoved her hands off his shoulders, He was holding a large, heavy-looking shotgun.

  He yelled, “I’m going to do it! I don’t care! It’s the only one I haven’t got!”

  Sgt. Ntaka and all the other occupants of the second vehicle seemed to freeze, as Colonel Chumbley swung the large gun round to aim at the elephants. Colin could see that he was directing it straight at Loki. He and his family also saw a swift flash of movement. It was M. Now the Colonel was looking in amazement at his empty hands. No gun? Where had it gone? He looked all around him. Where was it? He slapped at the pockets of his tropical jacket, which he had earlier swapped for his army sweater, as if, impossible and as ridiculous as it seemed, it could be hidden in one of them. He looked up again, and did not immediately realise or believe what he saw next. An elephant was aiming a shotgun that looked exactly like the one he had just mislaid straight at him, the famous big game hunter, Colonel Charles Chumbley!

  Sgt. Ntaka dashed forward to lift Mrs. Chumbley to safety out of the lead vehicle, whilst her husband was bending down searching for another weapon.

  M had rested the Colonel’s shotgun on top of Loki’s head, and with the end of his right wing had guided the tip of the elephant’s trunk into the trigger guard. M aimed carefully. Loki didn’t need to be told what to do next. The tip of his trunk squeezed gently just the once.

  Bang!

  “Yarrrgh!”

  The cry came from the Colonel, no longer bending down but clutching his right buttock, which seemed to be bleeding slightly.

  “Yarrrgh!” he shouted again. “I’ve been shot!”

  “What?” exclaimed the memsahib. “You’ve shot yourself. And you’ve dropped your gun on the floor there.”

  The Colonel swore. After all, he had been in the army. His wife had heard much worse, but she snapped, “Will you never learn? You were never much of a soldier. You were only good at bullying lower ranks, servants and natives, and even me! We need to get you to a hospital to get your bottom patched up.”

  “No, no, it’s only a scratch. First I’m going to get the creature that did this to me.”

  Snatching up his spare shotgun again, Chumbley glared round at the elephants, and began firing randomly at them. Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! All of his shots were wildly off target.

  Mrs. Biggle was getting very excited, and she began what Auntie Flo and Olivia called the Biggle Giggle. Unaware of the gunfire, she just could not stop laughing.

  “Oh, this is so much fun!” she cried, as she aimed her camera in all directions.

  Meanwhile the Colonel had reloaded his gun, and was still blasting away. He managed to hit two trees, several rocks and a lot of his shots slapped harmlessly into the water well away from the elephants. He did not know that a large invisible emu was turning the barrel of the gun away at the last moment. Angrily he reloaded, yelling, “I’m not giving up till I get him!”

  He raised his gun again, and this time, as the shot rang out, the sunny sky suddenly went dark. There were giant lightning flashes in time with the pulses of the magic phoenix bookmark in Colin’s pocket. Was the phoenix angry? Apparently so, for not only were they in a different place, but they were definitely in a different time. To Colin the vehicles looked different, somehow older, and the clothes everyone had on looked more like the styles of the late 1960s. Around them loomed the tall trees of a forest. They were in a clearing. A different herd of elephants, greyer in colour, were loitering near a shallow river.

  Once again Charlotte asked, “Where are we, Daddy?”

  Again Colin was able to reply, this time because of his reading as a librarian. “I think we’re in what was called the Belgian Congo.”

  The others were all staring around in amazement, particularly Mrs. Biggle, and they were still taking lots of photos.

  Olivia said, “These will look great on my tablet, when we get home,” and she took a shot of M, who had befriended another elephant and was standing on its back, surveying the scene.
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br />   Meanwhile Sammy, eager to have a bit of the action, had gone off in another direction. He was busy intimidating a huge, lone male lion that had been drinking at the water’s edge. A single extremely deep, threatening growl from the little dog was all it required to show the king of beasts who was master here. Olivia swung her camera round to get a picture of him sitting proudly on the lion’s head. Sammy was actually thinking ‘This is another great smell-fest.’ This was a word he had recently learned from Colin’s young cousin Billy.

  However, was it only Colin and perhaps Auntie Flo who were aware of the change of era or time? The others, including Sgt. Ntaka, were busy with their photo-shoot. Straight away Colin had noticed the changes in their clothing and vehicles. Now they had two large green jeeps. The Colonel, apparently no longer wounded, was even wearing a solar topee, sometimes called a pith helmet, and ... Oh, no!...He was again wildly brandishing a shotgun. Colin realised this too late. Bang! Fortunately the phoenix had been alert to the danger. Colin felt it pulse a burst of energy towards the arrogant Chumbley, who had clearly still not learned his lesson from his previous recent hunting experience. Once more blood appeared on Colonel Chumbley’s bottom. It was soaking through his trousers. This time he had not been shot by an elephant. He had indeed shot himself, the shell having ricocheted off the side of the vehicle and hitting him in the right buttock. This time he sank down on his seat. Immediately he shouted, “Ow!” and stood up again.

  By now his wife had had enough of his stubborn stupidity.

  “Come on,” she said. “I’ve had enough of this. I’ll get the first aid kit and then you’ll visit the nearest hospital, wherever that is. We are going home to Surrey. There aren’t any wild elephants roaming around there. No, be quiet, Charles! I’m putting my foot down. I’m also getting rid of all those animal heads mounted on our walls. Why on earth would anyone want them in the dining-room or in the lounge? I’m getting rid of all of them I say. I absolutely hate them! The only big game you’ll see in future will be the Monopoly set, when our friends come to see us.”