The Cave Emu

by Merv Lambert

  The Colonel just groaned, waved his hands in defeat, and sat down quite gingerly on his sore bottom.

  Sgt. Ntaka stepped forward in order to take over the running of the trip, but Colin held up his hand to stop him...only not quite. A flash of lightning lit up the sky and the surrounding forest. Colin just had time to say, “It’s time to go home,” before a clap of thunder drowned out the first part of what he said next. The others only heard “another place and another time. Farewell...” A second flash and a second clap of thunder hid what seemed to Colin to be the phoenix’s more puny efforts. Nevertheless there they all were safely back home again in his and Olivia’s house and in their own time period. Mrs. Biggle seemed to be asleep sitting on an upright chair with her head resting on the table. Suddenly she sat up, blinked, gazed around, and said, “Where am I? Oh, it’s you, Olivia and Colin.” Then she gave the Biggle Giggle, and went on, “I’ve had such a strange dream. I don’t remember coming here and I don’t remember nodding off, but it was incredible, really colourful and spectacular.”

  Olivia gently probed. “What was the dream about?” “We were all on safari somewhere in Africa. Even your little dog was there.”

  Sammy woofed his agreement.

  “What happened in your dream then?” asked Olivia.

  “Oh, I took lots of photographs of animals. I vaguely remember a couple of incidents. There was some kind of madman waving a gun about. I’m not sure what happened to him, You know what it’s like in dreams. The animals were so lifelike though.”

  Then Mrs.Biggle glanced down at her large hands and saw that she was indeed clutching her camera. Curiously she clicked it on and began to look at the latest photos.

  “Wow!” she gasped. “Those zebras they’re just as I remember them.”

  Charlotte and Daniel gathered round her to see the photos.

  The little boy nodded and said, “I spoke to that elephant. His name is Loki.”

  “Really?” murmured Mrs.Biggle, but she wasn’t really listening, as she scanned through the rest of the photos she had apparently taken in her sleep.

  Colin said to Olivia, “No souvenirs this time.”

  His wife disagreed. “Oh, yes, we have. We’ve got lots of photos just as good as Abigail’s.” Then she said, “Come on, Charlotte and Daniel. It’s your bedtime.”

  Auntie Flo added, “I’ll read you a story, if you like.”

  “Yes, please, Auntie Flo,” the two little ones chorused. Saying goodnight, they took one last look at their favourite emu. M was doing what he did quite often these days. He was gazing at himself in the large mirror on the wall of the kitchen. Wasn’t that the Colonel’s solar topee he was now wearing on his head? That was one more item to add to his collection of headgear. Whatever would he bring back next? But that’s another story.

  The Cave Emu

  “I’m Audrey.”

  “And I’m Neville.”

  “And we don’t know how we got here,” continued the woman, who looked to be in her mid thirties.

  What struck Colin was that this rather odd-looking couple was dressed as cavemen or rather a caveman and a cavewoman. They were both wearing what looked like a bearskin stretching from one shoulder right down below the knees and thick-soled brown sandals. The effect was rather spoiled by the bright pink socks the man was sporting on his feet. His bushy black beard had streaks of grey in it, and he was squinting at Colin through a pair of round-lensed, steel-framed spectacles. Colin thought, ‘A British tourist abroad? Surely not?’

  The man spoke again.

  “Are you going to the party, sonny?”

  Colin stared at him in disbelief. What party? Quickly he glanced down to see what he was wearing. He might have guessed as much. The phoenix on his magic bookmark had rigged him out in the same costume as Audrey and Neville except his feet were bare. No sandals! But no garish socks for him. At least that was a minor relief, but something else was odd. The bookmark, which seemed to be safely tucked away in a hidden pocket in the bearskin, pulsed once. Yes, now he knew what was odd. As an adult he had never been very tall. Audrey, who was fairly short, towered over him. In this adventure he was obviously going to be about five years old! Wow! That was going to be interesting! However, he had the feeling the phoenix was keeping something back from him, for there was something familiar about Neville. He could not place it. Perhaps it would become clear later.

  Audrey was smiling at Colin, when she asked, “What is your name?”

  Colin blinked once, and said, “Colin.” He had blinked, as he saw M, his invisible emu friend, emerging with his little dog Sammy from the darkness of the cave that they were in. He had been concentrating so much on the other two people that he had not noticed his surroundings. Yes, already things were getting very interesting. Glancing at M, he did not catch what Audrey asked next. She was not smiling now, and looked rather stern.

  “I said where are your parents?”

  Colin was saved from having to reply by an ear-splitting roar. It was not made by Neville, nor by M, nor by Sammy, nor even by Audrey.

  The roar came again. Some large creature poked a long, slippery black tongue into the cave. It flicked across the cave floor towards Colin. The bookmark pulsed once, and, when the young version of Colin stamped his small but extremely powerfully driven foot down onto it, the tongue whipped out of the cave accompanied by a squeal of pain from the creature. Colin, Sammy and M immediately ran to the mouth of the cave, and looked out.

  Colin gasped, “That’s impossible!”

  “What is?” asked Neville, who had stepped up behind him.

  “That is,” said Colin, pointing at the giant lizard about 20 feet tall standing on its hind legs and baring a mouthful of sharp pointed teeth.

  “Why is it impossible?” insisted Neville.

  Colin answered with a small boy’s intensity. “Because it’s an anachronism!”

  Audrey had crept up behind them, and she too was staring at the creature. She was puzzled, so she said, “That’s an extremely long word for such a little boy. What does it mean anyway?”

  Patiently Colin explained. “It means something that is out of place in a certain time, like for instance a Roman soldier wearing a wrist-watch or King Henry VIII riding a bicycle.”

  “But why is that thing - Could it be a dinosaur? - Why is it an anachronism?” asked Audrey.

  Neville butted in. “Oh, I see. It’s because men didn’t come on the scene, so to speak, until well after the dinosaurs had all died out.”

  Colin frowned. There was certainly something vaguely familiar about this man. He reminded him a bit of his Uncle Olly.

  “It’s no use us just standing here,” he said. “That thing is not going to go away unless we do something about it. Logically it shouldn’t be in this adventure, but it is.”

  “Oh, is this an adventure?” moaned Audrey. “I think it’s a nightmare.”

  Already Colin and Sammy were running through the trees, following M towards the creature, which was still squealing in pain and waving its head from side to side. Suddenly it noticed Sammy and Colin. ‘Ah,’ it thought, as greed overcame its pain, ‘two tasty morsels’, and it bent its head down eager to take the first bite. It was far too slow. The bookmark gave a strong pulse, and Sammy sped straight at the creature’s tail. He opened his small jaws, and seized the end of it. The little dog flexed his neck muscles, and with a lightning quick jerk of his head sent the huge animal crashing down on its back. It lay there stunned. M walked slowly along the giant lizard’s belly, and peered curiously at its menacing open mouth. Then he leapt nimbly down, and with his beak nudged a large rock loose from the mouth of the cave. At once Colin realised what the emu wanted to do, so in his small but immensely powerful arms he lifted the rock so that M could wedge it firmly in the creature’s mouth.

  Turning to the astounde
d Neville and Audrey, who of course could not see M, he said, ”It’s quite safe now. It’s lying on its back. The blood is draining from its tiny brain, and it will remain unconscious.”

  Neville gave a whistle of admiration, and said, “Who are you? Superman in disguise?”

  “No, not exactly,” replied Colin modestly.

  Audrey was not convinced. “This has to be a dream. None of this is real,” she said, but she continued to stare at the fallen monster lying on the ground. Sammy was sitting on his defeated foe, and was contentedly licking one of his forepaws. Then he gave a little warning woof.

  “Hullo,” said Colin. “The neighbours have arrived.”

  Out from the other caves dotted along the hillside cavemen and their families were appearing, men, women and children all clad in animal skins and all barefoot. None of these cave-people were tall. Audrey was taller than all of them. They approached cautiously. All the men had bushy black beards. Some of them were bald. All of them clutched a primitive axe with the head made of sharpened flint. Some also carried spears with the tips also fashioned from sharpened flintstone.

  When they were a short distance away from Colin and his two companions or four, if you included Sammy and the invisible M, they respectfully laid their weapons on the ground to show that they intended no harm to their visitors.

  The leader, a short, stocky man with large, powerful shoulders and arms, spoke, and Colin found that he could understand him, for the magic phoenix bookmark enabled him to converse in any language in his various adventures. In his own language the man said, “I greet you, fellow cave-travellers. I am Qptn Qrk, also known as QQ. His tongue clicked the word. And these people are my tribe, the Qrki.” All his words had the same clicking quality.

  Colin inclined his head slightly and replied with the same clicking sounds. “I am Qlin. This man is Neville, and this woman Audrey.” Then he added, “And this is my little friend Sammy.” As usual he did not introduce M, who was used to this, and did not mind.

  QQ smiled, his large teeth shining white amid his black beard. Then he pointed at Neville and declared, “No hair that colour here.” He meant the flecks of grey and white showing in Neville’s beard and on the top of his hair, particularly around his ears. He laughed once, and then pointed at the giant animal lying at their feet. He went on, “We have had much trouble with that one. It suddenly appeared one day with its mate. We never saw anything like them before. They have snatched five of us.” He held up the thick fingers of his left hand, adding, “So we need to catch the other one as well. They will provide us with plenty of meat to see us through the cold time.” There was a murmur of agreement from the other cave-people around him.

  “Oh, you mean what we call the winter,” said Colin. “I’m sure the other one will come looking for its mate. We’ll use this one here to lure it into a trap.”

  QQ clapped his hands twice, and declared, “Good idea!”

  M and Sammy were still guarding the captured monster, but Neville and Audrey were agitated. They wanted to know what was going on, so Colin told them. He added, “Come on. Give us a hand here to cover the That-o-saurus or whatever it is with branches and leaves.”

  Already QQ had organised his cave-villagers into teams cutting and breaking off branches from the nearby copse of trees. Gradually they covered the Whatever-it-was-o-saurus with bits of tree and leaves. Deliberately they left the end of the tail just visible.

  QQ remarked, “That’s the smelliest bit of it. Its mate will sniff it out from a distance.”

  “Yes, but we must be ready and quickly.” Said Colin.

  “When it comes, we’ll all club it to death,” grinned QQ.

  Colin disagreed. “No, you’ll not get anywhere near it. Listen. I think I have a much better idea. Sammy and I will be the bait. We’ll stand here near the body of this one. The other one will probably smell us all, but it will focus on Sammy and me. You and Neville and some of your men will pull on this rope. Don’t ask me what it is or where it came from. You wouldn’t believe me.”

  As you, the reader, will no doubt have guessed, the phoenix had provided it.

  Soon QQ and his band of tribesmen plus Neville were waiting in the shadows behind some sunburned rocks with their hands grasping the rope that snaked out over the ground towards the nearest trees. They did not have long to wait. They heard it before they saw the creature, a long moaning sound that occasionally increased into a strange wailing roar. Then they saw a huge head with two fierce red eyes and a large open mouth displaying vicious-looking teeth appear over the top of a low hill. The creature stopped at the summit. It swung its head slowly in a semi-circle, sniffing the air. Then it lumbered forward again, uttering its strange cries. It stopped once more to sniff the air. Its head turned towards the spot where the body of its mate lay unconscious on its back. Yes, it could smell it now, and what was that sticking out from all those branches and leaves? Wasn’t it the tip of a tail? The creature sniffed the air again, this time suspiciously. Yes, it had indeed found what it was looking for, but what were those other small smells all around? There seemed to be lots of those tasty morsels nearby, but they were hidden from sight. All of them? No. There straight ahead were two of them. It had not spotted QQ and his men. Nor had it seen the rope coiled loosely on the ground. Its far end was tied about 4 feet off the ground to a tall tree. The dinosaur, arching its neck, gave a scream of triumph, and charged. Colin waited for the bookmark to pulse. The creature was thundering towards him. There it was, one quick pulse, and Colin shouted, ”Qzt!” meaning “Now!” Immediately QQ, Neville and the team of cavemen pulled the rope taut. However, they did not know that an invisible emu was acting as anchorman. Without him they would easily have given way and been dragged along by the weight of the huge animal. He made sure that the rope did not yield, as the dinosaur crashed full speed into it, and turned a somersault in the air to land flat on its face. Sammy gave one of his frighteningly loud, deep growls, whilst Colin, using the enormous strength given him by the magic phoenix bookmark, knocked the creature unconscious with a small but heavy wooden club he had been hiding behind his back.

  A flood of cave-people now swarmed around and over the two fallen dinosaurs. They were hunters, and soon dispatched both.

  Colin asked QQ, “What will you do with the meat?”

  “Ah,” clicked QQ in delight. “We will keep it in our ice-cave.” Then he added, ”We are quite up to date, you know.”

  A younger woman approached QQ, and click-whispered something in his ear. The latter turned back to Colin, and said, “We are having a feast tonight, and we would like you to be our special guests.”

  Colin immediately translated this for Neville and Audrey. Neville smiled through his thick beard. He was ready to try anything, even dinosaur, provided it was cooked properly. He hoped it would not be raw. Hmm, dinosaur sushi? No, he didn’t fancy that, but he nodded happily enough.

  Audrey was not so sure, and complained that she much preferred salads. She was not happy, and could hardly wait for her nightmare to end. Now it looked like continuing for some time.

  “Oh dear!” she sighed. “I wish I was at the party.”

  Whilst the cave-people were busying themselves, getting ready to light a fire to cook the dinosaur steaks, Colin felt the bookmark pulse gently, and he suddenly realised there was another pocket hidden in his bearskin. He put in his left hand, and withdrew a box of long matches. He knew straight away that this was an anachronistic gift from the phoenix to the cave-dwellers, and immediately he showed QQ how to light one of the long matches. He also told him that the matches could each only be used once but they were in a magic box, so they would never run out. ‘What a lovely anachronism!’ he thought, and of course the fires needed were soon lit and lighting up the dark skies near the caves.

  Soon everyone except Audrey was sampling roasted dinosaur and drinking cool water from some sm
all, neatly worked bowls made from baked clay. QQ winked at Colin. “I told you we were up to date,” he grinned.

  Once more the magic phoenix bookmark pulsed. This time it was to remind him that it was time to depart. Sammy was sitting next to Colin, but where was M? Colin needed to find him. So seizing a thick branch, which looked enormous in his small hand, he set the end of it alight in the nearest cooking fire. He held it aloft as a flaming torch. Cautiously he approached the back of the cavern. The flickering flames of his improvised torch lit the rocky walls of a short passage that led into a larger chamber. Ah, there he was! But what on earth was he doing? Well, Colin might have guessed. M was doing what he had done before in ancient Egypt - or was it later according to the time frame? Next to some older cave-paintings he had copied the style of the previous cave-artists, using the paints, the mineral ochres and tinctures they had left behind together with some animal bones, some feathers and some brushes made from animal hair. He had created a marvellous painting of the Thingy-dinosaur as Colin now thought of it tripping over the rope held by a team of cavemen, one of whom looked like Neville. M had modestly left himself out of the picture. He had also painted it in the dark. He must have incredible night-vision. Of course, when M’s cave-painting was discovered in the next year of the 21st century, experts would agree that according to their accurate scientific methods for dating the materials used the drawings must be genuine. Other experts would disagree because the picture on the cave wall is anachronistic. Dinosaurs and men together? Pah! Preposterous! Colin laid his hand over the fur at present covering the magic bookmark, and requested the phoenix to send a photo of this latest - or was it really the earliest? - example of the emu’s art to a page in his special book. The phoenix answered with a firm pulse, indicating that it was a task already done.

  Then Colin said, “Come on, M. It’s time to go. Let’s go and find Sammy and Neville and Audrey. We must say goodbye to QQ and his people.” And this is exactly what they did. All the cave-people were gathered around one of their big fires. The flames cast flickering shadows everywhere. Colin raised his voice, and clicked in the Qrki tongue, “We are from another place and another time. We enjoyed meeting you, and we hope we have helped you. Goodbye, my friends. Goodbye.” As always, completely on cue, the bookmark gave an enormous red flash. Colin, Neville, Audrey, Sammy plus one extremely artistic emu were transported not to Colin’s house but to one that he vaguely recognised. Had he lived in it for a short while, when he was very young indeed?