The Brenda Diaries

by Margo Candela

  -It's official. No temp assignment today, but I've been promised to be called first for anything that comes in for tomorrow. Gah, what to do?

  -I can have lunch wherever I want today so why is it that I want microwave pizza?

  -Good deed for the day: Found a lost dog and reunited it with a panicked owner. This is why all my pets are plants.

  May 3:

  -My agency came through with a two day assignment. Took it just to get out of the house and away from Sluthammer. She's a bad influence.

  -My job is making rethink what I need, want and have in life.

  -For once my excuse not to see Boyfriend is true. I actually do have a headache.

  May 4:

  -Back to the construction site for me, but I got earplugs, air freshener and Gloria Allred's number on speed dial.

  -Just got asked out on a date by a guy who is definitely not Boyfriend. Wonder if he'd mind if I say yes…

  May 5:

  -My temp agency didn't come through with anything. Going to spend my day at the mall reminiscing about when I used to work there.

  -Is there anything better than a food court on a Thursday afternoon? Yeah, I didn't think so.

  May 6:

  -I'm spending the day hiding out at the movies. If my agency flakes on me for next week, I'm dusting off my barrista smock.

  May 7:

  -Boyfriend and Sluthammer don't seem to understand that the best way to enjoy an overcast day is to stay indoors and ignore it.

  May 8:

  May 9:

  -Agency came through with a two-weeker and it's a good one!

  -Have been asked to stay late. Said yes. This is a plum assignment and I want to make nice even though I feel crabby.

  May 10:

  -Yes, I'm going in early (after staying way late) to "dream" temp assignment. Have to tutor the Void tonight and need to leave before dark.

  -New (temp) boss makes Rude Lawyer seem like one of those small purse dogs. But guess you don't get to so powerful by being a nice person.

  -Someone crying in the bathroom. Temp boss officially earns nickname Wicked Witch. Booked for this job until next week...Counting the days.

  -Lame tutoring session. Void is still in spring break mode and I'm wrecked from a day of trying to please Wicked Witch. Early bedtime for me.

  May 11:

  -Staring at the bottom of a venti quad latte and wondering where my youth has gone.

  -I've had all sorts of bosses. Good, blah and bad but I've never been tempted to walkout on an assignment until Wicked Witch.

  -Will this day never end? Not as long as Wicked Witch isn't happy with how we've packed the gift bags.

  May 12:

  -And this is why you shouldn't double date with a friend who's dating a married dude.

  -Boyfriend has offered to rescue me from Wicked Witch. Sluthammer says she'll beat her up. Definitely like one option more than the other.

  -Meeting Sluthammer and other friends for much needed drinks after work. I might just keep drinking and show up sloshed tomorrow. Tempting!

  May 13:

  -Wouldn't you know! Show up buzzed for work but Wicked Witch is out of the office. She rides a fast broom stick so she might swoop in. Scary.

  -While the Wicked Witch is out flying on her broom, thinking about switching from blogger to tumblr. Anybody have strong feeling about this?

  May 14:

  -Because of where I have to be next week, I'm spending today at the happiest place on earth. Going to D-land with Boyfriend and Sluthammer.

  May 15:

  -Have agreed to go to brunch with Boyfriend and his parents. Must be residual effects from spending yesterday at happiest place on earth.

  -Spent all day and evening with Boyfriend and his parents. No quality time with my other boyfriend KenMore. Dirty laundry is mocking me.

  May 16:

  -Getting ready to face another week dodging Wicked Witch's broom. Too bad I can't add a drop of something to her Starbucks to mellow her out.

  -Everyone just scattered. Wicked Witch must be on her way. Pray for me…

  -Sluthammer called in crises mode. She can't get a hold of MoneyBags. Advised her NOT to call his wife and ask where he is. Bet she does…

  -Made it through Monday. Something tells me Tuesday is going to feel a whole lot like Monday.

  May 17:

  -Client meetings with Wicked Witch. My task is to hold her purse. I'm not kidding. That's all I'm expected to do, but I must do it perfectly.

  -I must be the best purse holder in the world. Wicked Witch is letting me go home early. Why do I think this is some kind of trick?

  May 18:

  -Had a dream I was in law school and happy about it...And that's how I know this temp assignment is doing serious damage to my soul.

  -Wicked Witch is having a banner day. Two people quit on her. So far I've managed not to poison her lattes. Still early, tho…

  May 19:

  -Wearing head-to-toe black today so no one messes with me. It worked for the goth chick in high school.

  -Wicked Witch actually smiled at me...or maybe it was gas.

  -Celebrating the end of hellish temp assignment a day early tonight with dinner and something else with Boyfriend.

  May 20:

  -Damn, I'm happy....

  -Wicked Witch paid for my Starbucks. Even though I'm the one who fetched it, I'm still afraid to drink it in case it's poisoned.

  -Home safe and sound. Not even the sight of a homeless guy pooping by the freeway off-ramp is ruining my buzz.

  May 21:

  -Thief's band playing tonight. Boyfriend wants to hang out. Would it be wrong of me to combine the two if neither find out about the other?

  May 22:

  -I'm staying in, staying out of trouble and doing laundry all day. It's just going to be me and my reliable boyfriend KenMore.

  May 23:

  -Working for Boss and Wifey this week. Lots of filing and refereeing their marital spats. But, hey, at least the Starbucks is paid for.

  -Boss wants to know if I know what's wrong with Wifey. Where do I start?

  -Internet went down. Had to send Boss out on a pointless errand so I could get some work done.

  -Sort of glad that the biggest decision I have to make is what to microwave for dinner.

  May 24:

  -Running errands for Wifey before heading into the office. Boss is okay with this as it gets him out of it. Home Depot, here I come.

  -Boss is letting me go home early. He and Wifey have plans. As long as they don't do it on my desk, I'm okay with that.

  May 25:

  -Neighbor asked me to watch her yappy dog, she's going out of town with friends. Said yes. It gives me an excuse to stay home and avoid mine.

  -Boss doesn't want his usual vegan salad for lunch. Says to bring him something with steak so he can build up his strength for Wifey. Yuck.

  -Long conversation with Boyfriend as to why he should NOT buy a pork pie hat. My winning argument was he would not be porking me if he does.

  -Sluthammer wants to give MoneyBags the ultimate gift. Told her to buy him a pork pie hat and save the other thing for her wedding night.

  May 26:

  -Caught myself studying a college extension course catalog a bit too intently. This only happens when I don't have enough work to do.

  -I only play the P card when I absolutely have to. To not see Boyfriend in a pork pie hat called for laying it on the table.

  -Boss and Wifey are the king and queen of TMI. I don't know half as much about my parents' relationship as I do theirs.

  -Boyfriend is coming over for pizza and reruns on TV. Yeah, I'm a cheap date.

  May 27:

  -Friday before a long weekend and no temp assignment lined up for next week. Maybe I'll start writing that book everyone says I have in me.

  -Sluthammer is going to Palm Springs with MoneyBags. I think my plans to buy socks and dog sit are infinitely more exciting.

 
-Sluthammer is going to Palm Springs with MoneyBags. I think my plans to buy socks and dog sit are infinitely more exciting.

  -Neighbor's says yappy dog likes to change outfits at least three times a day. Going to do my best to turn him in to a nudist by Monday.

  May 28:

  -Back from taking yappy dog for a walk. Man, I live in a crappy looking neighborhood.

  -Sneaking in snacks as well as yappy dog in his purse carrier into a showing of Bridemaids. Starting to see benefits of having a pet.

  May 29:

  -Yappy dog responds to a "tsk" when it's bad and "cluck" when it's good. This also works on Boyfriend. Bonus.

  -Yappy dog only eats brown rice and diced chicken. Added a dash of soy sauce for myself and now we're both enjoying a healthy dinner.

  May 30:

  -Sluthammer is back from Palm Springs. Neighbor has picked up yappy dog. And I went from sharing my apartment with one bitch to another.

  May 31:

  -Overslept and now Sluthammer knows I'm not temping this week. Her plans for us today? Trying on wedding dresses "for the fun of it." Ugh…

  -Sluthammer is full of career advice for me. As in "Don't work at lame, boring companies." Have I mentioned that she's never had a real job?

  -Locking myself in my apartment and doing that creative typing thing. Don't bother me, world, I'm being literary….

  June

  June 1:

  -Long talk with apartment maintenance guy about neighbors. Now I know who's having an affair, who doesn't recycle and who's behind on rent.

  -Boyfriend has sugar shock from happiness. He found out I'm writing. Wants to go to Starbucks, share a table and touch laptops. Corny.

  -Boyfriend asked for my honest opinion on his mobster/romcom screenplay. My advice? More shooting, less kissing, maybe add a monkey. Duh.

  -Maintenance Guy is super handy and chock full of valuable info. He could have a side gig as a blackmailer, but he's too nice.

  -My rep has come through with an assignment for next week. Do I dare become one of those temps who works on something else while at work?

  June 2:

  -Starting to realize that making promises is getting me in trouble.

  -Got a message from my rep about next week's temp assignment. Have to dress "business causal" and "cover any visible tattoos and piercings."

  June 3:

  -Taking my creative typing efforts to my local library. It's the only place where Sluthammer has no interest in scoping out the men there.

  -Library has suddenly been overrun by toddlers for story time. Hiding in the periodical section until it's over.

  -If I don't, please tell my family to search for my remains under a pile of Cosmo and Ladies' Home Journal magazines.

  -Survived the toddlers and now braving the teenagers.

  -Boyfriend wants to read what I've written. It's an "I'll show you mine. You show me yours" situation. Told him I'm too shy to play along.

  June 4:

  -Doing laundry today instead of tomorrow. Yes, the last thing anyone can say about me is that I'm predictable and boring.

  -Inhaling clean laundry fumes has gotten to me. Just agreed to go out with Boyfriend, Sluthammer and her MoneyBags. Going to be a long night.

  June 5:

  -Put together 5 days worth of lady suits for this week's temp assignment. I draw the line at pantyhose, tho. Even I have my limits.

  June 6:

  -Dressed like a door-to-door missionary for this week's temp assignment. Added streak of silver-gray to my hair, but ditched wire spectacles.

  -Place I'm temping this week is dead silent. So quiet, it hurts my ears. I had to sprint to the ladies' room to sneeze.

  -Volunteered to run copies of some sort of report. I don't care what it's about, just need a break from all the silence. Machine noise...yum.

  -Got used to not talking all day and now Boyfriend is worried because I'm so quiet. Maybe I'll clue him in tomorrow....Most likely won't.

  June 7:

  -Trying to yawn as quietly as possible. Had to keep getting up to wiggle the knob thingie on my janked up toilet.

  -Someone's birthday. Never knew such a subdued version "Happy Birthday" was possible. Now everyone is quietly eating cake.

  -Read a magazine story about some all-guy no talking monastery in Greece. Aside from the chicks here, this office is pretty much the same.

  -Talked to Maintenance Guy about my janked up toilet. He's going to do what he can, but says I might need a new one. That's okay with me!

  June 8:

  -Another crappy night’s sleep thanks to my crappy crapper. Dreaming of one of those high tech Japanese toilets. I'd never leave my apartment.

  -Sluthammer is threatening to move out unless the toilet is fixed. Yes, I feel dumb for not thinking of sabotaging the facilities sooner.

  -When it's this quiet in an office, you can hear everything. As in sounds of someone clipping their fingernails from across the room. Yech.

  -Kind of sort of encouraged Sluthammer to spend the night with MoneyBags so I can crash on the pull-out in the living room. I need to sleep!

  June 9:

  -I've resorted to playing "Guess That Noise and Who Made It" Game, so far I'm doing frighteningly well.

  -Yes! Maintenance Guy texted that Poky, my landlord, ok'd a new toilet. I want a fancy Japanese one, but will settle for anything that works.

  -Text from Thief. He wants to hang out tonight. Can't, but he doesn't need to know it's because I'm sleeping over at Boyfriend's.

  June 10:

  -Day 5 of my paid silent retreat and hope it's my last. Waiting for my rep to get back to me about next week. Finger crossed it doesn't suck.

  -You know that annoying person who calls during the middle of dinner or sex? Next week that will be me. From dead silence to telemarketing.

  -It's Finally Friday. So relived to be done temping at cone of silence that I'm going to Happy Hour with Sluthammer who's mad at MoneyBags.

  June 11:

  -Is it over yet? No, I guess it's not.

  -I just woke up from one of those long naps that are never a good idea unless you're toddler or an old person. My Saturday is shot. Bleh.

  -Building handy guy says new toilet will be in by Monday and Poky landlord is going to supervise install himself. Of course he is. Pervert.

  June 12:

  -Brunched and shirt shopped for Boyfriend with a smile plastered onto my face. If that doesn't make me a good girlfriend, screw all of it.

  -Void, thanks to me, has passed all the classes I tutored him through. Math wasn't one of them. He's stuck in summer school. Poor rich kid.

  June 13:

  -Temp assignment starts at 8 with an hour of telemarketer training. I must be a horrible person because I'm looking forward to it.

  -Telemarketer supervisor passed out a list of names and said, "Choose a nice one so people will hate on you less." Brenda is not on the list.

  -Sluthammer has made up with MoneyBags. Wants me to meet them for dinner. Big pass on that and not only because I want to see my new toilet.

  June 14:

  -Picked up holistic nerve calming mints to help face down another day as a telemarketer. Meth makes me too jumpy.

  -Telemarketing woes: Dialed two screamers in a row. One asked if I was ashamed of myself, other told me to go to college and get a real job.

  -When I was 7, I wanted a bunny rabbit for Christmas, but got socks with kittens on them. This is way more disappointing.

  June 15:

  -Sluthammer gave me a pep talk. "If you have to be a telemarketer, be the best one you can be." And I will! Until Friday at 6 pm.

  -Badgering temp agency rep to find me something good for next week. Ideally, it'll involve kittens, cashmere and beauty product testing.

  -Boyfriend wants to hangout. I said yes. Couldn't turn down his offer to bring food and Pride & Prejudice dvd to replace my scratched one.

  June 16:

  -My work life has started to
mess with my sex life, but at least I enjoyed a bowl Tom Yum Goon first.

  June 17:

  -Not enough coffee and too much bitching in the break room. These telemarketers are not happy people. Glad it's my last day here. Hurray!

  -My rep came through with an open ended assignment starting on Monday. I can stay a week or through the month. Goodbye, telemarketing!

  -Shopping for something to wear to an engagement party for tomorrow night. Not mine! Ex-girlfriend of Boyfriend who are still friends. Weird.

  June 18:

  -Found the perfect dress for Boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's party. It's very "I'm too cool to care" even tho I kind of do. No one needs to know.

  -Sluthammer wants to come to Boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's engagement party. She loves romance and drama and is convinced there will be both.

  -Can't ignore my stuffy nose and sore throat. Making sure to stash DayQuil in my purse. My new dress is NOT missing this engagement party.

  June 19:

  -Sluthammer and MoneyBags are on the outs. Again. Boyfriend is mad at me. I wish I could work a night job and not deal with any of this.

  -Boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's fiancé texted me to confirm a Wednesday dinner date. Just what did my new dress do at that engagement party?

  -Mixing DayQuil and fruity alcoholic drinks will lead to ordering steak, eggs and hash browns at 2 AM at Denny's. My new dress is mad at me.

  June 20:

  -Boyfriend's ex-girlfriend isn't my enemy, but it's safe to say I won't be in (or maybe even invited to) her wedding. Bleh.

  -So far my dress is not talking about what happened at the engagement party. Rumor is that there's a tumblr page dedicated to it.