The Brenda Diaries

by Margo Candela

  -Feel sorry for my dress, too. It'll be a long time before it can show its face again in this zip code.

  -Stopping at the drugstore for more cold/flu pills and a jumbo bag of Hershey Kisses for Sluthammer to keep her busy so I can get some rest.

  June 21:

  -Saying it, sorry, with feeling...most of the time

  Another run in with BitchFace, but I'm going to have to postpone our parking lot cat fight for another day--I have after work plans.

  -Since sorry isn't cutting it with Boyfriend, I'm buying him that damn porkpie hat he's been mooning over. Happy now?

  June 22:

  -Way too early for the whisper campaign BitchFace has already started against me. Jeez, at least let me finish my latte. And....Here we go.

  -While I'm more of a dog person (even of the neighbor's yappy dog), I'd never toss a cat at BitchFace. No cat deserves it.

  -Spent my lunch break talking Sluthammer out of dropping by MoneyBags's house. Sincerely doubt his wife would've invited her in for tea.

  -Seeing Boyfriend tonight to give him his porkpie hat and my last sorry. If this doesn't do the trick, that hat is the last pork between us.

  June 23:

  -Sending a certain bagel chain a note about a rude employee. I ordered a bagel not attitude, guy. I take bad customer service personally.

  -Haven't seen her today, but I'm sure BitchFace is lurking, waiting to strike. Maybe she thinks I'm doing the same thing. Paranoid much? Yes.

  -My rep wants to know if she can book me for another week. Told her yes. I'm no quitter and it's my goal to out temp BitchFace.

  June 24:

  -Last night Boyfriend emailed me a pic of him wearing his porkpie hat...at a bar with his arm around some big boobed bleached blond. Grrr!

  -My day just got that much more crappy. Sluthammer is back with MoneyBags and office manager asked me to work on a project with BitchFace.

  -A blond with fake boobs at a bar? Boyfriend went to Harvard--I at least expected a little originality.

  -I gave Boyfriend that damn porkpie hat. Little did I know it would unleash his inner douche.

  -Going home and not coming out until Monday. (Except for food. And a haircut on Saturday. Maybe to the movies and bookstore.) So there!

  June 25:

  -I have my apartment to myself and enough episodes of Law & Order: SVU to keep me glued to my TV until this later this afternoon. Whatever.

  -Boyfriend has called and texted. Says he's "soooooo soooorrryyy." Going to let him sweat it out. I have a few more L&O: SVUs to watch.

  June 26:

  -Boyfriend is still waiting. I drove to Palm Springs to rescue Sluthammer. MoneyBags's wife showed up and ruined their romantic weekend. Ha!

  -Making the most of my rescue trip to Palm Springs by stopping at the outlets for a little shopping. Sluthammer can stay in the car and cry.

  -It's as if everyone dumped their relationships in a blender and hit purée, including me. Gonna take a bit of effort to sort all this out.

  June 27:

  -Leaving relationship baggage at home and heading to work. How sick is it that I've been looking forward to this all weekend? Very. I think.

  -Sluthammer is done with MoneyBags. Might have something to do with his wife threatening to pull out her extensions...which she doesn't have.

  -Boyfriend(?) has shown up at work! With flowers! BitchFace is jealous! I'm still mad at him, but BitchFace doesn't need to know that.

  June 28:

  -Finally gotten a handle of this job. Ask for work before the manager has her first cup of coffee. She's so out of it, she lets me choose.

  -BitchFace wants to be my best friend. So many compliments and inane questions. But, no, I won't be eating that homemade muffin she gave me.

  -Not sure I want to forgive Boyfriend(?) and it's not just because of the porkpie hat and blond. I might have chronic relationship fatigue.

  June 29:

  -Stopping by Boss's empty office to pick up mail and water plants. He and Wife are off trying to make a baby on some tropical beach. Weirdos.

  -BitchFace wants to be pals, but I know she's up to something very evil. It's very The Roommate which is a ripoff of that other better movie.

  -Been doing some creative typing at home. I've talked too much smack about cafe writers to show my face and laptop at Starbucks.

  -A vacation is not a vacation unless it takes place in a hotel. Not a tent, condo or RV.

  -Boyfriend is really working it, but the more he tries the more I'm just very meh about it. Guess that turns him on. Weirdo.

  -Boyfriend(?) wants to hang out this weekend. Not in the mood. Said I'm visiting my grandma (who will be in Vegas gambling my inheritance).

  June 30:

  -Got pulled into a meeting to explain the database to the VP of something or another. For this I get a bonus15 minute break. How to use it?

  -It's been one of those days to go with a week that's been just as crappy.

  July

  July 1:

  -My rep at temp agency has nothing for me. Nothing. Things usually dry up in August, pick up in September. Job drought has come way early.

  -BitchFace wants to throw a goodbye party for my last day here. Considering she snagged the job from me, I think it’s very bitchface of her.

  -Grandma says it's okay if I spend the weekend at her place while she's in Vegas. She made me promise to water her plastic plants.

  July 2:

  -Power walk with the lady in the condo next door then breakfast at the cafetorium before crafts. This place is camp for geezers. I like it.

  -The 70-y-o guy from 101C is fooling around with the gal from 308A, but engaged to the woman from 110B. It's like Melrose Place around here.

  -Grandma called from Vegas to tell me to stay away from guy from 101C. He's already hit on me twice, so her warning was a little late.

  July 3:

  -Sluthammer showed up like I knew she would. Have to keep her away from the old guys. Most of them have heart issues.

  -Water aerobics class was not much of a workout. Everyone just floats around, gossiping about what's going on with 101C, 308A and 110B.

  -It's barely 7 and I'm yawning. Who knew three solid hours of bingo could be so exhausting? But these folks play to win. They're ruthless.

  July 4:

  -Going to a friend's 4th of July backyard bash. Offered to bring something and he said "Can you pick up some food?" Fun times ahead.

  -How can a holiday that features hotdogs, marching and fireworks be so depressing? Sluthammer is faking it in cutoffs. I'd rather be at home.

  -You know what? Fireworks do make everything better. Hurray, USA!

  July 5:

  -Even though I don't have a temp assignment this week, I still got up and dressed as if for work. Didn't fool Sluthammer, tho. She's sharp.

  -Have watch way too many Lifetime lady crack movies with Sluthammer. We now suspect each other of the most horrible acts of betrayal.

  -Trying to cheer Sluthammer up with a waxing party. That girl lives to depilate.

  July 6:

  -Working for building handy guy--painting, hammering and such. I'm wearing coveralls, a baseball cap, latex gloves and lipstick, of course.

  -If I owned an apartment complex, I wouldn't rent to frat boys. They totally trashed this place. Holes in the floor, walls and ceiling. Bad!

  -Trying to wash dried paint out of my hair. It's the most boring shade of beige you can imagine. The paint, not my hair.

  July 7:

  -Handy says I'm ready to handle a leaky faucet on my own. I think he's right. It's just all the rest of my life I suck at.

  -It's my job to get lunch for me and Handy which Poky, the landlord, pays for as long as it's under $7 each. This gig is kind of sweet.

  -Sluthammer thinks I should focus on getting a real career. She's worried I'm going to fill out my over-sized coveralls and get bad tattoos.

  July 8:

  -My temp rep is on maternity le
ave. Don't like the gal whose taken over for her, but I have to play nice or get screwed. Not the fun kind.

  -Watching paint dry is not as exciting as it sounds.

  -Last day as an apprentice handy gal. Kind of bummed, but learned lots of useful stuff. Handy says I can moonlight for him anytime. Bonus.

  July 9:

  -Sluthammer can't take being so near yet so far from MoneyBags' hairy armpit. She's off to her dad's in Chicago. Funny enough, I'll miss her.

  -Word has gotten around that Boyfriend(?) and I are on the outs. Friends insisting I go out with them. Should be good for couple of drinks.

  July 10:

  -Visiting with grandma today. Hoping she has some words of wisdom for me, but I doubt it. Most likely she'll hit me up for bingo money.

  -Relief. Lined up a job. Covering for a friend while she's on vacation. Starts tomorrow and she said to make sure I wear comfy shoes.

  July 11:

  -Talked with Handy about his ideal wife. He's looking for a nice Eastern Orthodox gal with roomy hips and a cheerful disposition. So not me.

  -Text from Sluthammer asking about the weather. Told her it's fantastic, but might be a bit better if she were around to enjoy it with me.

  -Off to cover for a friend whose on vacation. While she lolls on a beach in Belize, I'll be digging deep for my long neglected retail skills.

  July 12:

  -Not used to being in bed this late on a weekday--I don't have to be at the mall until noon. Too much free time is not good for my morals.

  -Starting my second day as a retail monkey with a positive attitude. As in: I'm positive today is going to totally suck for this monkey.

  -People are way ruder when you're the one wearing the smock.

  -What's up with the giant kids in strollers? If your kid can text on his cell phone, he can walk. (Maybe not at the same time.)

  July 13:

  -Volunteered to watch Yappy dog while his bitch is at the gym. Doing it for free because I'm not a bitch.

  -I know the location of every mall bathroom (Bloomingdale's is nicest) and ATM, but can't figure out the underground parking lot. Got lost!

  -Just spent what I've earned on a cute pair of shoes. And now I remember why I had to stop working at the mall.

  -Doing the lonely gal thing and going to a movie instead of going home, but I'm wearing my cute new shoes. Something good is bound to happen!

  July 14:

  -When every day seems to be Friday the 13th....

  July 15:

  -Today I get to see where what I've been selling comes from--a warehouse on the outskirts of Downtown Los Angeles. I'll never be the same…

  -What Mall Employees Do to Pass the Time: Playing spot the shoplifter. So far I'm 2 for 5.

  -Friday night. No Sluthammer or Boyfriend to keep me from going absolutely wild. My Tivo isn't going to know what hit it.

  July 16:

  -Trying to make up for last night's Tivo binge by walking to Starbucks instead of driving. In my mind this wipes the slate clean.

  -Fully prepared to make the most of my lazy Saturday...right after I organize my sock drawer and clean out the fridge.

  -Surprise invite to go out from Thief. I thought he had a girlfriend. I've accepted just to find out.

  July 17:

  -My phone woke me up and it was Boyfriend(?) on the other end and I agreed to meet him for brunch. Must be due to only have 3 hours of sleep.

  July 18:

  -Hoping for a call for a last minute temp assignment. Until that happens, I'm cleaning the bathroom tile grout with a toothbrush. Yes. I am.

  -No temp assignment. I'm babysitting Void for the rest of the week while he's parents are out of town. This could be scary and interesting.

  -Boyfriend(?) might be Boyfriend again which means I'm not going to go into details about that night with Thief. And so it begins.

  July 19:

  -First day as a house-teenager sitter for Void while his parents are in Europe. Dressed the part-- long skirt, cardigan and hair in a bun.

  -I'll be driving the family Volvo to take Void to his guitar lesson in West Hollywood...just as soon as he remembers where he put his guitar.

  -Void picked where to eat dinner. Not surprised (and secretly thrilled) that he wants to go to Chuck E. Cheese's. The cardigan is coming off!

  July 20:

  -Waking up in a strange bed is weird (even when it's in a guest room in Pacific Palisades). I'll ask Sluthammer how she can do it so easily.

  -Void wants to have some friends over to play video games. He says I'm more than welcome to invite any and all of my hot girl friends. Right.

  -Taught Void how to load and run the dishwasher. Tomorrow it's laundry. See what happens when parents have the housekeeper do everything?

  July 21:

  -Stupidly took Void up on his challenge to see who could eat more bowls of Fruit Loops. Now the roof of my mouth is raw. I won. Of course.

  -Sitting with all the other nannies in the waiting room while Void is in with his therapist. I'd compare notes, but I'm only a temp nanny.

  -Void wants to cook dinner. Or at least try to. I'm going to let him because I'm curious to see what he can do with a box of Mac & Cheese.

  July 22:

  -Void wants to see who can stand staying in their pajamas longest. He's already won this one.

  -We've managed to clear the pantry and fridge of anything edible. Heading out for provisions, but Void won't let me make a list. Dangerous.

  -Boyfriend wants to see me, but I'm a responsible babysitter. He'll just have to take care of things on his own until Sunday.

  July 23:

  -Watching Saturday morning cartoons and eating sugary cereal. Wonder when Void will wake up?

  -As many times as I tell Void that saying "Who farted?" is not funny, it still makes me laugh every time.

  -Void wants to go to a house party and says I can come along as his faux cougar…Sounds like fun!

  July 24:

  -Void wants to pitch water balloons over the crabby neighbor's fence. Told him I'll join in but we have to wait until I'm off the clock.

  -Giving the place a quick tidy for Void's parents' return. Nothing broken, burned or burgled. I've done my job.

  -Turned down Void and his parents' offer to stay for dinner. It's time to go home.

  July 25:

  -Boss dared me to face in instead of the doors on our ride up the elevator. People really don't like that.

  -Boyfriend is coming over. Feeling mean so I'm going to make him watch The Notebook then, after it's done, tell him I have a headache.

  July 26:

  -Who flosses their teeth while driving? On the freeway? Some guy in a BMW was. At least he wasn't texting at the same time.

  -You know what's weird? Seeing someone famous who you don't know is famous, but you have the feeling she is.

  -Boyfriend is coming over, but this time there will be no Notebook. Just sex. He's earned it.

  July 27:

  -Boss's wife wants my pee to make sure her pregnancy tests aren't faulty. She's assuming mine will be negative. So am I.

  -My pee has tested double plus signs for lattes. It's official. I'm having a Starbucks baby.

  -Boyfriend found Wifey's extra pregnancy tests in my purse. Let his freak out go on for way too long, but it was fun to see.

  July 28:

  -Got yelled at by one of Boss's extra jerky clients. It's not my fault his 3 ex-wives are talking to soon to be 4th about where the money is.

  -It's window washer day! Dared Boss to moon the guy for $20 even though I know he'd do it just for kicks.

  -Boyfriend has recovered from pregnancy test scare. Promised to never peek in my purse again. Now I can stash my porn in there.

  July 29:

  -Boss says Wifey is taking not being pregnant hard. Which means it's his job to be hard to fix it.

  -My rep is still on leave so I'm a temp orphan at my agency. Have to take what I can get and not ask for more. I
t's all very Oliver Twist.

  -Calling in girlfriend and friend sick and staying in tonight. It's just me, my laptop and a crap load of Hoarders on Tivo. Perfection.

  July 30:

  -When in doubt, do laundry.

  -Boyfriend needs me to be a girlfriend with a capital G. Wonder if they make a pill for that?

  July 31:

  -Did you just feel that earthquake? Sluthammer is back in Los Angeles! And in my apartment. What's the opposite of "!"?

  -Sluthammer says what I need is a fake tan. She has tube of it and is determined that I make use of it.

  August

  August 1:

  -Faux tan disaster! Woke up looking like I've eaten a ton of carrots. Sluthammer finds my orange glow funny. Me, not so much.

  -No call from my temp agency today, but hoping for something tomorrow. Doubt my fake orange tan will fade by to normal pasty white by then.

  -Sluthammer refuses to be seen in public with me, says I look like an Oompa Loompa. Making the best of it and dyeing tips of my hair green.

  August 2:

  -On-call means just that. Answered my phone at 7:15, out the door by 7:35 and stuck in traffic until 8:40. The glamorous life of a temp…

  -Green tips of my hair aren't going over well with office manager. Will dye them back to brown tonight. Orange skin wasn't mentioned, tho.

  -Had to go to 3 different drugstores to find my shade of brown. Now I'm too annoyed to dye my hair. Never dye angry, that's my one rule.

  August 3:

  -The green hair stays because I'm staying home. Office manager didn't like my attitude and nixed me coming back. Whatever.