The Brenda Diaries

by Margo Candela

  -I'm in trouble. Have to go in to temp agency tomorrow to talk about my attitude. Wait 'till they see my hair.

  -Still in a foul mood. Sluthammer is steering clear of me and warned off Boyfriend. Going to seethe in a bubble bath and hope it washes away.

  August 4:

  -Got a $10 trim to get rid of green tips. Now have the urge to piece something. I'm obviously suffering from latent teenage rebellion.

  -Temporary temp agency rep said I might consider not temping anymore and get a real job. I knew there was a reason I didn't like her.

  -Hanging out with Boyfriend listening to him talk about his screenplay. He's yet to add more monkey to it or notice my newly trimmed hair.

  August 5:

  -Spending my morning being a grown up and getting my finances in order. Soon I'll start eating fiber cereal. Sad.

  -Going to the mall and, for once, Sluthammer doesn't want to come along. Maybe she's sick? As in ill.

  -Sluthammer is still acting weird. Only noticed because I'm acting weird, too. You'd think that would cancel the weird out, but no.

  August 6:

  -Turns out my bathroom gets excellent cell phone reception, but isn't a good place for keeping private calls private. Must get lock fixed.

  -Thief asked me out, but I'm saving my pennies and my relationship by saying no.

  August 7:

  -Fake orange tan has finally gone away. Never doing that again. Unnaturally pasty is my natural state.

  -Sluthammer wants to go to Vegas for her 25th birthday. Another low key b-day for her where I have to make sure she keeps her top on.

  August 8:

  -Scored a weeklong temp assignment. The work is boring, but Thief is here to liven things up. Dangerous.

  -Can I file a worker's comp for paper cuts?

  -Sluthammer is out and have the apartment to myself. Going to keep it that way by not inviting Boyfriend over.

  August 9:

  -Thief didn't get asked back to assignment so I'll have to entertain myself today by not bleeding to death from paper cuts.

  -Late lunch. I put it off as long as possible to have something to look forward to and scored free chips with my sandwich. Happy!

  -Shopping with Sluthammer for her birthday in Vegas trip. Going to try to keep things just this side of tacky and far from slut as possible.

  August 10:

  -Got off on the wrong floor but didn't leave right away. They had free fruit and all sorts of magazines in the reception area.

  -Day is starting to drag. Maybe I'll head upstairs for more fruit and magazines. I bet the bathrooms are nicer, too.

  -Boyfriend wants to know what I'm thinking. I'm thinking he should mind his own business.

  August 11:

  -Work is work and this is the worst kind of work.

  -Someone jammed the paper shredder, but I figured out how to fix it. Now I can shred all day. Yeah, didn't think that one through.

  -Visiting my grandma tomorrow. We're going to watch TV complete with commercials. She's old school.

  August 12:

  -A woman with yoga mat under her arm having a phone fight at Starbucks. Seems her man has been getting flexible with another gal. Tsk.

  -I've managed to scan and shred the every last file that was stacked on my desk. It's not brain surgery, but I'm I do take pride in my work.

  -Stopping at the drugstore to pick up some Brach's Milk Maid Royals for my visit with Grandma. She won't hug me if I show up empty handed.

  August 13:

  -Boyfriend and Sluthammer calendar conflict. Do I go with him to visit his parents or do Vegas for her 25th birthday? How about neither.

  -Boyfriend has a summer cold. Dropped off a can of chicken soup, cough drops and instructions to stay away from me until he's better.

  August 14:

  -Sluthammer is boinking MoneyBags. Again. Can't say I'm surprised, but will keep my disappointment to myself. Her life, her bad choices.

  August 15:

  -Forgot to set my alarm and slept past 7:30 and just got a call for a day-to-day assignment. Crappy way to start the week.

  -Office vending machine is broken and I might have been the one to do it. Keeping my head down and playing dumb.

  -Guy I'm working for has screenplay dreams...like Boyfriend. Now the line between my work life and personal life is very blurry. Great.

  August 16:

  -Working again for the architect who wants to write screenplays, wears very interesting glasses but has super boring story ideas.

  -This office has chilled cucumber water, fresh fruit and a great outdoor patio. Foot rubs on demand would make it almost like a spa.

  -Sluthammer is making a big show of getting ready to go to the gym. We both know it's only MoneyBags who she'll be sweating over.

  August 17:

  -Thinking of getting Boyfriend and architect together so they can talk screenplays. Both have more in common than I do with either of them.

  -Had to pretend to do "work" (sit and wait for the phone to ring) for an hour so temp boss wouldn't get in trouble while h e was in a meeting.

  -Working for architect again tomorrow. We're going to watch movies, talk scripts. Not sure how long this ride will last. For either of us.

  August 18:

  -Office vending machine has been fixed. Think I'll go burn some popcorn in the microwave now.

  -Have spent most of the day watching chick flicks with architect/aspiring screenwriter. He's full of questions. Dumb ones, mostly.

  -Meeting Sluthammer and Boyfriend for dinner. Since I have to hang out with them, I get to pick where we eat and they get to pay for it.

  August 19:

  -Found a bottle of Wite-Out in the supply closet. My nails are now bright white, but my mood is dark. Need a black Sharpie to color them in.

  -Thief called. Chatted my ear off until I told him I had to get back to work. Didn't tell him work was watching Sleepless in Seattle.

  -Talked screenplays all week with reluctant architect. Boyfriend says it's "cheating"--he's usually the one who bores me with plot points.

  August 20:

  -Sluthammer is on a fitness bender and wants me to suffer alongside her. She's signed us up for boot camp to get bikini ready for her b-day.

  -Made it through boot camp. Now on the couch watching Lifetime lady crack movies and eating soothing junk food. Who knew exercise was fun?

  August 21:

  -Can't move thanks to yesterday's boot camp which means it's going to be very hard to make today's session. Someone write me an excuse note!

  -Still hurts too much to move. Can’t even iron tomorrow's work outfit. Borrowed one of my granny's tailored tracksuits and her heating pad.

  August 22:

  -Let go early from assignment. Someone finally figured out I wasn’t doing authorized work for client.

  -Have to go into agency tomorrow for a "talk." More than enough time to come up with the perfect outfit because it's not like a have a job.

  -My neighborhood nail salon has a blah selection of polishes and colors but many trashy gossip rags (People, OK, Star) it makes up for it.

  -Sluthammer wants to know how my day went. She's going to regret asking because I'm going to tell her in minute detail just to be mean.

  August 23:

  -Even though I don't want to go where I have to be, it doesn't mean I can be late. Heading into temp agency for a "talk." Bleh.

  -My file has been noted with a warning and I've been suspended for the week. While I kind of like being a bad girl, I'd rather work. Bleh!

  -Handy says couple in the apartment below me split up and are moving. Not surprised. They haven't woke me up with their humping in months.

  -Out at a bar with Sluthammer. Some guy tried to pick me up with the "are you an actress" line. Told him I'd act like I didn't hear him.

  August 24:

  -Took my neighbor's Yappy dog out for a walk and he went through three poop bags. What does that bitch feed him?

&
nbsp; -Meeting Thief for lunch. With no work to go to, I'm still in bad girl mode.

  -Handy asked if I want to help him paint downstairs apartment tomorrow. Says I can pick lunch and what we listen to on the radio. Score!

  August 25:

  -In my coveralls, ready to paint apartment of ex-happy couple. Handy says I can keep whatever I find. Kind of sad, but hope they left a pony.

  August 26:

  -Rude Lawyer wants to book me for two weeks starting on Monday. Rent and Starbucks win out over morals and ethics. Took the job.

  -Void called to make sure I'll tutor him this school year. Told him yes and I won't even raise my rate to take advantage of him.

  -Boyfriend wants to go for a sunset walk on the beach. I'll try to control my eye rolling and dry heaving.

  August 27:

  -Going to Vegas for Sluthammer's 25th b-day, but not to boot camp today, tomorrow or ever again. That's why sarongs were invented.

  -House warming party for couple who have been fighting since they moved in together. Doubt they last longer than the candle I'm giving them.

  August 28:

  -Sluthammer spent the night with MoneyBags. I wonder what his wife thinks about this?

  -Invited Boyfriend over to watch me do laundry. He's gets off on it and I get to do my laundry.

  August 29:

  -Rehab has changed Rude Lawyer. Not for the better, but at least for the not worse. Once a lawyer, always a lawyer.

  -Having a perfectly bland turkey sandwich for lunch.

  -Handy says the apartment below me has been rented to another married couple. Hope they have better luck than the last one.

  August 30:

  -Rude Lawyer is trying to be nice. It's like watching a rhinoceros try to put on ice skates--entertaining, but ultimately pointless.

  -Another rude lawyer asked me what's up with Rude Lawyer. Told her I don't speak their language, but it might be a side effect of lawyerness.

  -Thief wants to hangout, but Boyfriend and Sluthammer are being clingy. He’s just going to have to wait to get some of my sumpin sumpin.

  August 31:

  -Someone pressed all the buttons in the elevator. It wasn't me.

  -Rude Lawyer wants to know if I like his new tie. I told him no without even looking at it.

  -Felt guilty about all the meat eating I did before a friend's vegan dinner party, but not enough to take a second helping of gloop.

  September

  September 1:

  -Boyfriend is coming along for Sluthammer’s 25th in Vegas. Told him to get a haircut--I can only hold one person’s hair back while they puke.

  -Eating lunch in the break room. Lawyers either eat at their desks or go out and this is the only lawyer-free space in the office. Heaven.

  -2 parking tickets in the space of a week. I don’t believe in bad karma, but I do believe that bad parking spot choices will lead to tickets.

  September 2:

  -Rude Lawyer is trying to be nice again. Given a choice between the two, I'd pick rude. It's easier to ignore him when he being himself.

  -Sluthammer is trying to pretend she doesn’t care MoneyBags isn’t coming with us to Vegas to drink shots off her rack.

  -Trying to figure how to tell Rude Lawyer I might be in a little late on Tuesday. Maybe he won't notice if I show up hungover and sunburnt?

  -Boyfriend and Sluthammer are making fun of me for packing my retainer. They can laugh all they want--my overbite never takes a vacation.

  September 3:

  -Way too early flight to Vegas plus way too drunk passengers pretty much equal what the rest of the weekend is going to be like.

  -Yes. It’s hot in Vegas. And, yes, Sluthammer is complaining about it.

  -What's with all the toddlers in casinos? Makes it kind of hard to drink, gamble and smoke with babies around. Hard but not impossible.

  -What does a gal make sure to wear when she knows her friend is going to get messy drunk at Vegas clubs? Boots and a fanny pack.

  September 4:

  -Both Sluthammer and Boyfriend are asleep (read: passed out). I’m up early to snag us a shady spot by the pool. Yes, I’m an old lady.

  -Sluthammer is looking for the bra she wore last night. Told her it must be in one of the 25 bars she took it off in.

  -How much buffet can one gal handle? I’m determined to find out.

  -Sluthammer and Boyfriend are convinced I can win enough money at roulette to pay off my collage loans. I'm not drunk enough to believe them.

  September 5:

  -Last day in Vegas. A few hours by the pool, some shopping and then watching Sluthammer frantically try to pack 15 minutes before we leave.

  -Boyfriend is joking that we should get married. I’m not joking about punching him in the nuts.

  -When it comes to eating at the airport, there are no rules.

  September 6:

  -I survived Vegas with my bank account and dignity intact which means I really didn’t do Vegas like I should have.

  -Rude Lawyer is out of the office for the rest of the week. I get to sit here pretending I wouldn’t rather be somewhere else. College, it pays.

  -Have Q-tips, toothbrush, wipes, and spray cleaner. This desk, phone and keyboard are going to be squeakier than squeaky clean.

  -Sat in on a deposition. Now I know what to say if I’m ever accused of embezzlement and it’s not, “I didn’t think they’d notice.”

  -I donated Sluthammers trampy Vegas clothes to a local stripper charity organization. And that’s a marker of a true friend and humanitarian.

  September 7:

  -Another day of sitting outside Rude Lawyer’s empty office. Going to ask the mailroom guys if they need any help pushing that cart.

  -Done with mail route through office. Disappointed--I didn't even break a sweat. Guy who let me push his cart suggested I still take a break.

  -Overstayed my welcome at the reception area on floor 29. I'll have to find somewhere else to mooch free fruit and magazines or bring my own.

  -Boyfriend thinks just because there’s no work for me to do, I can read his screenplay. Nope. I'm still on the clock even if it's not his.

  -Tomorrow I’m wearing a blazer, and bringing a bar stool to set myself up as an elevator attendant.

  -Thief is having the worst birthday ever. Taking him to Arby’s to show him it can in fact get a lot worse. #friendship

  September 8:

  -Sluthammer doesn't get why I'm bothering with work. And this is why my generation will bring our country to its knees. Or at least she will.

  -Have added pillbox hat and white gloves to my elevator attendant uniform. Now I look super official. Time to press floor buttons.

  -Turns out peop le assume there are still things like elevator attendants. Most ask for their floor without a glance in my direction.

  -Wore my elevator attendant uniform to do the office mail delivery and kept getting asked why wasn't in the elevator. Fake jobs don't mix.

  -I've avoided thinking too hard about last night, but that doesn't mean I don't feel bad about it.

  September 9:

  -Last day working for absent Rude Lawyer. He left a message that I can leave early. Guess it’s his way of saying “Please don’t sue me.”

  -Someone totally tooted in my elevator.

  -Made out in tips for pressing elevator buttons during the lunch rush. Had to pass some over to the security guy as a kickback.

  -Hanging up my blazer, hat and gloves. My short and surprisingly profitable career as an elevator attendant is over. For now.

  -Seeing Boyfriend later tonight. Going to try to pretend things are better than normal which will be a dead giveaway that they’re not.

  September 10:

  -Boyfriend is blissfully unaware of what a wretched girlfriend I am. Going to do my best to keep that state of ignorance alive and well.

  -Going to dye a gray streak in my hair before stress beats me to it.

  -Handy says my gray streak reminds him of
a cranky physics professor from his university days in Kiev. Exactly the look I was going for!

  -Spending the night at Boyfriend’s despite his scratchy sheets, one-ply toilet paper and always damp towels. This is my version of penance.

  September 11:

  -Avoiding both Boyfriend and Sluthammer today (and for the rest of this coming week) by working erratic hours at the mall.

  -Turned in a lost wallet to mall security and didn’t even peek inside. Halo failed spontaneously appear over my head.

  -If you work at the mall, you must pretend to know everything about it and where everything is or people will think you’re stupid. #MallLaw

  -Heading home to scour every inch of my apartment. If only I could do the same thing for my pesky conscious.

  September 12:

  -Since I’m peddling knock-off sunglasses at the mall, I can’t wear my not phony pair while I work. Customer service first, integrity second.

  -The cash register will jam or the credit card machine will die just as you’re about to make a huge sale. #MallLaw

  -Lunch break was free samples from the food court followed by reading magazines at the bookstore. I can do this because I work here. #MallLaw

  -Got a job offer from another mall kiosk stand to sell bejewled cell phone covers. Is there such a thing as being too good at one’s job? Yup.

  September 13:

  -My Other Side Job: Tutoring Void tonight. At last, work that makes my college degree not a complete waste of time and money. Well, almost.

  -Best friends you’ll ever make are fellow mall employees until someone moves onto better job. Then they’re as good as dead. #MallLaw

  -Trapped at the Mall: Took forever to find my car. My sense of direction doesn't function in underground parking lots.