Caren J. Werlinger - Looking Through Windows

by Caren J. Werlinger

  "And what do you do?" he asked Emily, leaning forward.

  "I'm teaching while I work on my doctorate," she replied. He wanted to know more, and despite herself, Emily found him easy to talk to. Ann interjected where she felt Emily was being too modest. When Emily decided she had spoken enough, she asked Paul, "What about you? What are you going to do now?"

  "Well," he said thoughtfully, "after all that I saw in Africa, I think I've decided to go to med school. I'd like to go back someday when I can do more to help."

  "Paul, that's wonderful!" Ann said, placing a hand on his arm. Emily unconsciously rubbed her own arm where Ann's hand had rested a short time ago.

  The conversation for the remainder of lunch wandered from topic to topic. Finally, Emily needed to leave for class, and Ann needed to study for an exam in her own French class. Paul planned to go for a swim at the natatorium, and said he'd see Ann at the apartment later. He shook Emily's hand again with a barely perceptible nod of his head.

  Emily took Ann's book bag for her again and carried it as they headed for Whitmore Hall. They walked in a strained silence. Emily just wanted to get away. She didn't want to hear how great Paul was, or how good it was to see him again. Ann felt Emily's distance, but wasn't sure how to bridge it.

  When they got to Whitmore Hall, Emily gave Ann her bag. "I'll see you later," she mumbled and went upstairs to get her notes.

  Ann found an empty classroom where she could study, but found it difficult to concentrate. Her relationship with Emily felt different, something had shifted. She told herself she was imagining it, but she knew nothing had felt quite the same since lunch with her parents. 'That's not true,' she realized when she thought about it, 'it hasn't been the same since my last night at the Gundlachs', since she said she loved me.'

  Emily left the classroom quickly at the end of class, so Ann didn't get to talk to her then. She had one more class that afternoon, a psychology class, which she didn't hear a word of. She found herself remembering the closeness of those evenings at the Gundlach house. She wondered why she hadn't wanted to be closer to Paul. He had made it clear that he was willing if she was, and it had been a long time.

  Eventually the class was over, and it was time to hobble back to her truck. She was filled with a restlessness she couldn't identify. When she got back to the apartment, Paul was packed.

  "Why are you leaving tonight?" she asked, surprised.

  "Annie," he smiled, "it's okay."

  "What's okay?" she asked as she put her bag down by the sofa.

  "Look, Ann," he said gently, sitting beside her on the couch, "I just want you to be happy. You and I will always be friends. Who you choose to be with doesn't change that."

  "What are you talking about?" She was getting exasperated.

  "You and Emily, of course."

  "What about us?"

  "Ann," he said, "I saw the way you looked at her. It's obvious you're in love, and it's okay."

  "I'm in …" she stared blankly.

  He laughed. "Somehow it's like you to be the last one to see it. I'm going to go. I'll call you in a few days." He kissed her on the cheek and left.

  Ann sat there for a long time. The apartment grew dark, but she didn't notice. She was playing back every moment she could recall of her time with Emily. She thought about what it felt like to touch her. She pictured Emily's soft curls, her large golden brown eyes, her beautiful smile. She remembered Emily's whispered words, "I love you." She realized that Paul was right. She did love Emily. She was filled with incredible warmth with that realization.

  She reached for the phone and stopped. Emily was feeling very hurt and guarded right now. Ann knew it had to have been hard for her to be around Paul. She decided to call anyway. Mrs. Gundlach answered and told her that Emily hadn't come home yet. She promised to leave a message that Ann had called.

  She opened a book to study, but couldn't concentrate. She tried to find Emily, calling her office, but there was no answer. She decided to see if Emily was at the library. She drove over and looked every place she could think of. She drove over to the Gundlach house, but Emily's car wasn't there yet. Reluctantly she went back to her apartment.

  She had checked out a few books of French poetry to look for one to present in Lise's class. She began thumbing through them absentmindedly, wondering where Emily could be. She came across a translated fragment of poetry that caught her eye. It was by a woman who wrote under the penname Renée Vivien, an expatriate American who had lived in Paris at the turn of the century. But what caught Ann's attention were the words of the poem. She tried to find the complete work, but it wasn't in any of the books she had with her. She decided to go back to the library and try to find the entire poem. After an extensive search, she was able to locate the poem she sought. She copied it, and set about translating it. As she did, she felt that this poem expressed all that she was feeling. She took the poem home, and worked on her translation while she waited for Emily to call. By two o'clock, Emily still hadn't called, and Ann was exhausted. She went to bed and dreamed of holding Emily.

  Chapter 20

  When Ann awoke, it was with a feeling of anticipation of something she couldn't remember at first. It was a sensation she recalled from childhood on Christmas morning. Slowly she remembered… Emily. She smiled and reached for the phone. She knew the Gundlachs rose early. Her heart fell as she spoke with Mrs. Gundlach.

  "Ann, I'm sorry," the kindly woman said. "I found a note from Emily this morning saying she is out of town for the rest of the week. She is going to a conference and will be back this weekend."

  Ann felt a profound disappointment as she hung up. She missed Emily more than she would have thought possible. She had never felt like this about anyone. Her previous relationships seemed superficial compared to this. She and Emily hadn't yet shared anything more than a deep friendship, but the intensity of the emotional connection amazed her. She tried to get a grip on her feelings, tried to sort out whether this was an infatuation triggered by Paul's suggestion. Maybe it was better that she would have a few days before seeing Emily again.

  She felt like she needed to do something physical. She wasn't able to ride yet, but she decided to go for a swim and try a stationary bicycle before classes. She wasn't starting therapy for her ankle until tomorrow, but she forced herself to begin walking without the crutch.

  A couple of hours later she felt refreshingly tired. Her head seemed clearer. She had watched the women at the pool and in the gym. She didn't feel any kind of attraction to any of them. But as she watched the men, she realized she didn't find them attractive either. She concluded that it was the emotional connection to Emily that made all the difference.

  As she went through the next couple of days, she was aware of things she had never noticed before. She felt bombarded by images of male-female couples and was very aware of the fact that she and Emily would not be able to show their feelings openly. She sought out gay magazines to look at the photos of the men and women portrayed. She was amazed at the variety of images. As open-minded as she considered herself, she realized that even she had had pre-conceived notions of what lesbians and gay men would look like. There simply weren't stereotypes that accurately represented people. As she read the stories in the magazines, she became a little more educated about issues such as gay marriage and workplace discrimination. Despite Emily's horrible experience with Caroline's family, Ann had never pictured herself on the receiving end of prejudice at work or anywhere else. She realized that she had never been the victim of anybody's prejudice. She felt humbled by the people who had faced that kind of ugliness, for whatever reason.

  'My parents,' she thought later that week. For some reason she hadn't yet considered what their reaction would be. She knew they liked Emily, and she wanted to think they loved her enough to respect her choice, but she couldn't be sure. She would never say so to Emily, but she had secretly thought Caroline cowardly and manipulative with all her demands for secrecy. Now, she understood a little b
etter the dilemma Caroline must have faced knowing how strongly her parents disapproved of her relationship. Ann seriously considered whether she could handle being cut off from her family if it came to that. She honestly didn't know.

  By the time the weekend arrived, she had spent a great deal of time considering the obstacles and the probable hardships of a relationship with Emily, but she felt their connection more deeply than ever. If Emily really was ready to love again, Ann wanted to be the one.

  Chapter 21

  Emily basked in the mid-afternoon sunshine of Florida's Gulf coast. She smiled again at the ironic timing of Dr. Brooks' kidney stone. A well-respected man in the field of ancient Greek and Latin literature, Warren Brooks had been the chair of Weston's language department for the past seven years. He was her doctoral advisor as well. He had been scheduled to attend this week's language education conference in Tampa, but the weekend he was to have left, a kidney stone he had been ignoring got the better of him. On Monday afternoon, he had called Emily from the hospital, apologizing for the short notice, but requesting that she attend in his place. Heinrich and Lise were able to cover her classes, and here she was. The conference was scheduled so that the seminars were over each day by noon, leaving the participants free to enjoy Tampa's warmth and beaches each afternoon.

  She leaned back in her beach chair, and for the hundredth time, tried not to think of Ann. Her mind was filled with images of Ann riding, sitting in the Gundlachs' kitchen studying, in the firelight at her parents' home. But she kept coming back to images of Ann with Paul. The timing couldn't have been better for her to get away for a while. She felt a twinge of guilt remembering Mrs. Gundlach's note that Ann had called.

  Restlessly, she sat up and decided to run on the beach. Her body wasn't used to the extra effort it took to run in sand and she tired early. She slowed and walked for awhile, staying on the firmer, wet sand near the surf. She watched tiny crabs scuttling for safer holes in the sand. A light breeze ruffled her short curls. She smelled the salty air and couldn't help wishing Ann were there with her. She began running again, this time not stopping until her legs were wobbly with exhaustion. She jogged back to her hotel, and stood under a cool shower for a long time. She lay down for a nap, and awakened to a beautiful sunset. She considered staying in her room for dinner, but decided to force herself to get out. She dressed in a white sleeveless top and khaki shorts. When she inspected her image in the mirror, she was surprised to see how much she had tanned with just a little bit of sun.

  In the dining room, she recognized several people from the conference. She decided to eat outside. After she was seated at a table overlooking the beach, she noticed a group of people sitting at the outdoor bar. They appeared to be having a good time together. She noticed one woman, lean and tan with short blonde hair, who looked over and caught Emily's eye. She smiled, and Emily looked down at her menu. When Emily looked back up, the woman was still watching her. She got up and walked towards Emily's table. Emily's heartbeat quickened with nervousness.

  "Hi, my name is Laura Davis," the woman said boldly. Her smile revealed white teeth, and her very blue eyes were arresting.

  Emily took her outstretched hand and smiled back. "I'm Emily Warner."

  "Well, Emily Warner," Laura said as she pulled out a chair and sat, "you are much too attractive to be eating alone." Emily was too shocked to say anything. All she could do was laugh. Laura's smile broadened. "I think you should join my friends and me for a drink. Then we're going to eat and go dancing." Laura indicated the men and women she had left at the bar, who were now all watching Laura and Emily. Emily realized the whole group was gay.

  Later, Emily could not for the life of her say what made her do it, but she heard herself say, "That sounds like fun." Next thing she knew, she was following Laura back to the bar and being introduced to everyone. They all lived in the Tampa area. Emily lost track of all the names, but two were nurses, four were in retail, one worked for a bank. Laura was a physician assistant. Emily ordered a margarita and joined the conversation. Soon, they left for a nearby restaurant. Emily rode with Laura in her white Miata. The top was down, and the wind felt wonderful in her hair. She looked over at Laura and admired her lean, muscular arms and legs. There was something wild and intoxicating about her that Emily felt drawn to. For years, everything in her life had been controlled and restrained. Nothing about Laura that Emily had observed thus far could be described by those adjectives.

  Laura seemed to read Emily's mind and looked over with a smile. "I'm glad you said yes."

  Emily smiled and looked up at the stars. "I am, too."

  The restaurant they went to served delicious Mexican and Cuban food. The conversation continued merrily. Several times Laura and Emily's eyes met. Emily didn't want to think, she just wanted to enjoy the moment. Following dinner, they all walked to a gay bar down the street from the restaurant. As it was early, it was relatively smoke-free. The group deposited their drinks at a table and most went directly to the dance floor. Laura was a good dancer, and Emily enjoyed watching her body move. She also enjoyed knowing that Laura was thinking the same thing. After three or four songs, they took a break and went back to the table for a drink.

  "You dance well," Emily said, leaning close so that Laura could hear her. She could smell her perfume and had the feeling it was drugging her, clouding her judgment.

  "Thanks," Laura said, looking very intently into Emily's eyes. A slow song came over the speakers. Laura took Emily's hand and led her back out to the dance floor. Emily allowed herself to be pulled close as they moved to the slow pulsating rhythm of the song. She closed her eyes and placed her cheek against Laura's. She let her hands explore the muscles of Laura's back and shoulders and felt Laura's hands on her. Her skin tingled after Laura's hands had passed over it, leaving trails of heightened sensation. Emily was very aware of the pressure of Laura's breasts and thighs against her. She felt the pulsing of desire more strongly than she had in the past four years. When the song ended, she and Laura stood, still holding one another, looking into each other's eyes.

  "Would you like to go for a ride?" Laura asked. Emily nodded.

  Laura said something to one of the other women, who grinned broadly and waved to Emily. They went back to where Laura had parked the Miata. Laura drove without speaking, choosing streets that eventually took them out of town. She drove to a deserted section of beach and parked. There were no nearby lights, and the night was moonless so the stars seemed especially brilliant. Laura reached over for Emily's hand, and for a long moment neither spoke. There was only the electric contact of their hands, fingers intertwining.

  "Let's walk," Emily said. She needed to move. They took off their shoes and walked together along the beach. After a few hundred yards, Laura reached again for Emily's hand and pulled her to a halt. She took Emily's face in her hands and gently pulled Emily to her, their lips parting for a kiss. Emily was startled by the effect Laura's kiss had on her. She had almost forgotten the sensation of soft lips and tongue on her own. Their kiss deepened and lingered as Emily reached out to pull Laura more firmly against her. Laura's hands left Emily's face and ran down her back to her buttocks.

  Laura took her mouth from Emily's and brushed her lips over her neck. Emily tilted her head back to give Laura more exposed skin. She desperately needed to be touched, to be desired like this. She kissed Laura's neck and kissed her way back to her mouth. The kiss was stronger, more urgent now. Emily felt her hips move involuntarily against Laura's thigh.

  "Why don't we go back to your hotel room?" Laura suggested breathlessly. Emily nodded without speaking, and they walked back to the car. Emily placed her hand on Laura's thigh and enjoyed the feel of muscles tensing at her touch. At the hotel, they went straight to Emily's room. Emily ordered a bottle of wine to be sent up. While they waited on the wine, they went out to the balcony facing the Gulf. They stood side-by-side, shoulders touching, letting the breeze cool things down.

  When the wine arrived, Emily
poured two glasses. Laura found a music video channel on the television. They stood close, swaying to the music as they sipped their wine.

  "Do you know how beautiful you are?" Laura asked softly.

  "Thank you," Emily murmured. "Why is there no one in your life right now?"

  "How do you know there isn't?"

  Emily looked at her with a small smile.

  Laura shrugged. "My last girlfriend met someone else she liked better."

  Emily shook her head. "Foolish woman," she whispered.

  Laura put an end to further conversation with a kiss. She kissed Emily softly, exploring with her lips and tongue. Without pulling away, she put her wine glass down and took Emily's to put it down also. She pulled Emily close, and pressed her body into Emily's. Emily ran her hands over Laura's back and brought one hand up into Laura's hair, feeling its soft, fine texture.