White Oblivion

by Amirah Bellamy

  “Hi, can I take yo orda?” she asked in a thick accent.

  “Not yet we need a little more time thanks,” Doran said with a hint of agitation.

  He hated being rushed. As much as I loved Asian food Doran only took me to Asian restaurants to appease me. He hated how they always seemed to hurry us to get in and get out. He said that he didn’t appreciate being herded like cattle through a restaurant.

  I looked up at Doran and smiled. He knew that my smile was in reference to how short he was with the waitress.

  “I don’t know why after all these years of doing business in this country they don’t have better customer service,” Doran said.

  “Baby I just think it’s cultural. I don’t think they mean to be rude,” I suggested.

  “Culture or not. The culture here is to not be rude where people are spending their hard earned money in your establishment,” Doran snapped.

  “That’s true. Maybe someday that miracle will happen,” I said with a hint of sarcasm.

  “So Ina what are you ordering?” Doran asked.

  Still looking a bit uncertain Ina said, “I think I want the fried rice again dad.”

  “I thought you were gonna try something new. What about trying the pad Thai tofu? It’s usually very good and I think you’ll like it,” Doran suggested.

  “Yeah I agree. You’ll probably like that one Ina,” I added.

  “Hmmmm. Well okay I’ll try it,” Ina hesitated.

  “Good. I’m gonna try this dish called Panang Jae,” Doran said struggling to pronounce it correctly.

  “Let me see that one,” I said picking up my menu. “Ummmm looks good baby. Sounds like it’s a lot like the vegetarian red curry.”

  “Yeah I know. It’s at least an attempt to order something different though so give me some credit,” Doran replied in response to my indirect jab.

  “I know and I’m proud of you babe,” I said in an attempt to smooth things over.

  The waitress returned and that time we were ready to order. Doran ordered for everyone, the waitress took our menus and we all sat in awkward silence while we waited.

  “So how are you doing? It’s not so bad right?” Doran asked breaking the silence.

  “I guess not. At least there aren’t many people here,” I said relieved.

  “Yeah I figured we should ease into things. I didn’t want to make you feel too stressed,” Doran added.

  “I wonder how it will be when you take me to school though mom. I mean school is still open tomorrow,” Ina said sounding concerned.

  “I know and I’ve been thinking about that. Babe can’t you continue taking her just for a while until we figure out what our cover story is going to be?” I asked.

  “Hmmm. I’ll do it, but just for this week. I don’t want to put this off for too long. We can’t let this thing take over our lives by prolonging the inevitable,” Doran answered.

  “I know babe, but this is really hard for me and I’m dealing with it as best I can. I just don’t want to be overwhelmed,” I said.

  “I’m not going to overwhelm you, but I also don’t want to make this more difficult than it has to be with avoidance. We’ve got to face this thing. In the meantime, we have to keep looking for a way to resolve it,” Doran said.

  “You know how to fix mom back dad?” Ina asked with a glimmer of excitement.

  “Let’s not say “fix” your mom Ina. We don’t want to make it seem like something is wrong with her. But yes, I do want us to learn more about this and see if it’s happened to someone else and see how they resolved it, if they resolved it,” Doran explained.

  “Oh ok. Well I hope we can figure that out soon dad,” Ina agreed.

  “I don’t even know where to begin looking for answers. First of all if we asked around no one would ever believe us. Secondly, if this happened to someone else who’s to say that they ever told anyone about it. I just think we’re wishing on a star here. I think I’m stuck with this body and if I’m wrong, where the hell is my body? How do I find it? Who has it? Will they be so eager to give it back? Why did they take it in the first place? Maybe it’s an alien invasion!” I rambled.

  “Baby ---” Doran began before he was interrupted by the waitress who was bringing our food to the table.

  “Ummmm yours looks good dad,” Ina said.

  “You want to try some?” Doran asked reaching for a spoon.

  “Yeah I wanna try some,” Ina answered.

  Doran gave her a spoonful once the waitress put her plate down.

  We were all quiet as we got situated to eat.

  Reaching over onto Doran’s plate and getting some of his food with her spoon and seemingly a bit hesitant, Ina said, “Ummm I like it dad!” taking in a bite-sized serving of his dish.

  “Yeah it’s pretty good. How is yours baby?” Doran said looking over at me as I swallowed the second bite.

  “It’s delish! I’ll definitely have to order it again. It’s good to try new things. hanh?” I said looking at Ina.

  We were all quiet for a while as we enjoyed our food. Apparently we were all pretty hungry because we all damn near licked our plates clean. We finished up, Doran paid the tab and we headed back to the car.

  “So where to next ladies?” Doran said with an adventurous grin.

  8

  I wasn’t really in the mood to push this adventure any further, but I knew that Doran was right and that I couldn’t stay holed up in the house forever. In fact, I would have to face that reality as early as the next day since I had to teach classes at the studio. So I tried to think of where we should head to next.

  Before I could say anything Ina blurted out, “Let’s go to the mall dad!”

  I cringed at the thought. There was no way I was going to a mall. That was just too much too soon and I was no way near being ready for all of that. There would undoubtedly be tons of people there. More than that we’d get more stares than enough and I didn’t want to face that yet.

  “No way. I’m no way near ready for all of that,” I objected.

  “Now baby it’s actually a good idea. What better way to dive into this thing. If you can survive a trip to the mall than you can survive anything. You are a survivor baby. You always have been and I know you can get control of this situation. Come on. Let’s do it. We’re both here with you and you know we have your back. I don’t care what other peoples stares say. We know who you are and you know who you are. To be honest I think you’re looking at this thing all wrong. If I was a white man for a day I would be the first one going out and taking advantage of all the perks that come along with that,” Doran said.

  “What? I’m living through a nightmare right now and you’re talking about perks,” I snapped.

  “Yes perks! That’s the problem baby. This doesn’t have to be a nightmare. Just think of all the opportunities your white skin will afford you. In fact, let’s test it out at the mall. Come on. Let’s try it out. You might just like it. If I had white skin I’d do something like go apply for a business loan, buy a house, ask for a raise, join a country club and all the other things white skin affords you. I’m telling you that you’re looking at this thing all wrong baby,” Doran said laughing.

  I thought about it and Doran did have a point. “Babe you are crazy,” I laughed with him.

  Totally oblivious to what we were talking about Ina interrupted and asked, “So are we going to the mall mom?”

  “I guess so,” I said hesitantly.

  “Yaaayyyy!” Ina cheered.

  “Alright! To the mall it is,” Doran said.

  I knew that he would probably go to Pentagon City Mall, which was about 15 minutes away in Northern Virginia and just as I expected that’s just where Doran went. The mall wasn’t too crowded, but crowded enough. When we first got there I felt like all eyes were on me. I started to feel so anxious. I started to perspire. My heart seemed to pound out of my chest and my white washed face was flush.

  Doran looked at me with a look of concern and sa
id, “Baby you have to calm yourself down.”

  “I know and I’m trying,” I said trying to control my breathing as I spoke.

  My throat was so dry that I could barely swallow. I took in a deep breath and tried to calm myself down as best I could. It wasn’t working. I just started to feel like the walls were caving in on me.

  I looked around and the it was like all eyes were on me. Then everything went black. I don’t remember what happened after that. I just remember seeing Ina and Doran sitting on both sides of me on a mall bench.

  “Baby are you okay?” Doran asked with a look of worry.

  “What happened?” I asked.

  “You passed out! Luckily when you did we were close enough to this bench where we sat you down so as not to draw any attention to you. What happened baby? Are you okay?” Doran asked still very concerned.

  “Yeah mom. You scared me to death!” Ina said almost panicking.

  “I’m sorry Ina. I’m okay. I just think I got a little overly anxious. I just need a second to get myself together. I’m okay though,” I said reassuringly.

  I could tell that neither of them were convinced. I sat still for another couple of minutes trying to calm my breathing and slow down my heart rate. Soon I was relaxed. Doran, who was holding my hand the whole time could feel the tension in my hands gradually relax.

  “So are you ready to try this again baby?” he asked looking into my eyes.

  “Yeah I’m ready now. Let’s do this,” I answered.

  We all got up and started walking through the mall. This time I avoided everyone’s eyes. I walked through the mall as if I were in my own skin. I decided to heed Doran’s advice and change my attitude about the whole thing.

  Seeing the change in my demeanor and apparently sensing the change in my energy Doran looked over at me and smiled. I knew why he was smiling so I smiled back.

  “So you’re getting the hang of this thing I see,” Doran said.

  “A little. I’m just coming into some level of acceptance of it. I’m realizing that my resistance of it isn’t doing me any good. So I’m just approaching it a different way,” I said.

  “Well that’s a good start baby. I’m proud of you for that,” Doran said.

  “Yeah so let’s do this babe. I’m ready,” I said with my head held high walking forward.

  In that instant I was in a different space. I was deep in the unknown, deeper than I’d ever been. I had no idea where I was headed in my new skin. I had no idea about the why of it all. I just knew that I had to be the one to bring myself into the knowing of it all. This happened to me and me alone and it happened to me for a reason. I had to get to the root of of it and that meant that I had to lose the fear and figure things out.

  Just as I was deep in thought about it all the most bizarre thing happened. I looked up and what I saw shook me to the core! My face turned flush. My heart began beating out of my chest, I got shortness of breath and my entire reality took a drastic turn. Still holding my hand and seeing and feeling the change in my energy Doran turned toward me and looked at my face then followed my eyes to see what I saw. It shocked us both the very core.

  Oblivious to what was happening Ina grabbed my other hand and said, “Ooooh mom can we see a movie?” pointing to the movie theatre just ahead of us.

  9

  Before Doran could stop me I broke my hands free from he and Ina. I headed towards a woman who was just a few feet away. This was no random woman. In fact, she looked just like me, the REAL me! So in what seemed like less than an instant I broke free of Doran and Ina and ran toward the woman guns a blazing. It was totally out of character for me to respond so aggressively, but nothing about this situation was normal.

  The woman hadn’t spotted me yet so I expected that when I came up to her she would have been caught completely off guard. However, it was just the opposite. She slowly and calmly turned around and smiled at me as if she was expecting me. Having been prepared to go at her with all 10 claws I was the one caught off guard by her response. Before I could say anything Doran had come over looking just as shocked as I was.

  “Who are you?” Doran blurted out to the woman who was alone and casually walking through the mall.

  “I’m your wife. Can’t you see that?” the woman said matter-of-factly.

  “No you’re not!” I yelled getting even more agitated.

  “The true question is who are you? Do you even know?” the woman asked staring at me blankly.

  I had no come back because at that moment I truly didn’t know who I was. I thought I did before then, but since I’d woken up that morning as someone else all of that changed. I was living the life of someone I was clueless about. Over night it seemed that all that I thought I knew of who I was went out the window and the next thing I knew I was a stranger to even myself. The woman was absolutely right. I didn’t know who I was.

  However, I also didn’t know who she was and that was something that I had to find out. So I asked her, “So who are you?”

  “I am you, the you that you don’t yet know. Though, when you are ready you will know me,” the woman said as she turned to walk away.

  “Where are you going? You have to tell me what’s going on here? Why and how did this even happen? Will I change back? Am I stuck in this body forever?” I asked anxiously.

  “The answers to all of those questions will come. In the meantime you should know that you aren’t quite focusing on the right questions at the moment. Focus inward a bit more and more will be revealed to you. Know that you’re right where you need to be. There are no mistakes. Always remember that,” the woman said.

  Before I could say anything else she was gone and Doran and I were left standing there frozen. We each had a thousand questions buzzing through our minds.

  “What the hell just happened?” I said perplexed as ever.

  “Things have gotten even stranger now,” Doran responded.

  “Yeah,” I said staring blankly into space.

  I was a thousand miles away, deep in thought about what the woman who appeared to be me had said. I wondered what she meant when she said that I wasn’t quite focusing on the right questions. What questions were the right questions? More importantly, what did she mean when she said that there were no mistakes. If this wasn’t a mistake it certainly was a nightmare. Replaying it all over again in my head was making me get anxious again and in the white skin it was all too obvious so I tried to calm myself down before my skin turned flush.

  “Babe can we get out of here?” I asked.

  “Yeah I think that would be best. Ina I’ll take you to see whatever movie you want to see another time, but for now we have to head back home,” Doran said gesturing for us to head back to our car.

  “Ok dad. I understand. Who was that lady that you two were talking to? She looked just like mom,” Ina inquired.

  “We don’t know,” I answered.

  “Yeah, but we’re gonna find out,” Doran added making eye contact with me as we walked hurriedly back to the mall entrance.

  We walked back to the car then rode the entire way home in silence each very immersed in our own thoughts. When I got back to the house I decided that I needed to spend some alone time in the meditation room. Since that day I hadn’t really gotten a chance to be alone to try to process the whole thing I desperately needed that time.

  During stressful times our meditation room was like a mini nirvana. Not only was it conservatively decorated with an alter, pictures and statues of various deities and ancestors and a very impressive collection of crystals, it also provided access to the roof. I called it our rooftop escape and it was where we sometimes enjoyed rooftop barbeques and where I had created the most beautiful zen garden. It was like our little year round escape from the world. Both Doran and I meditated often so the room got lots of use. Besides that we both did our perspective forms of martial arts there since we both prefered practicing our arts alone. While I did yoga Doran had practiced Kung Fu and Tai Chi for years befor
e I met him so he used the room for that.

  From the moment I stepped into the front door I knew that the meditation room was exactly what I needed. I needed to do some yoga to calm my nerves and so I did. I changed into some black leggings and a black tank top then headed into the meditation room. I rolled out my yoga mat then began by taking in a deep inhale as I raised my arms outstretched toward the sky into mountain pose.

  Then I began doing a series of sun salutation sequences to loosen up and release some of the tension out of my muscles. The more I repeated the sequence the better I began to feel. I started to feel like me again. For a moment I forgot about being in someone elses body. I remembered how it felt to be in the world of wonder and questions and for a moment I felt good again.

  10

  It had been 4 days since the body swap. We’d come up with a cover story that I was away training to get a master yoga instructor certificate and that a substitute instructor who was a distant cousin by marriage was running the studio in my absence. Doran stepped up a lot more to help transport Ina to and from school, activities and social outings. It seemed that we had come up with a pretty good work around for our issue.

  I still had not gotten used to my imposter body and had to fight like hell to resist the urge to look at it every time I passed a mirror. I didn’t want to see her because seeing her made the whole thing seem too real and too permanent. The last thing I wanted was for it to be permanent.

  The most difficult thing for me to adjust to was my new hair. It was a lot more stringy and smelly than I was used to, especially if I didn’t wash it everyday. Besides that I had to go out and buy all new hair products just to manage it.

  I also had a hard time getting used to my skin. It was just so pale and lifeless. I felt like everything about me was lifeless from my hair and my skin to how I felt inside. It was an adjustment that I just felt I’d never be able to make.

  Like me, Doran was making what I considered very fruitless efforts to hide his feelings toward her. Nonetheless, I could feel the difference in his touch. Besides that he didn’t want to make love. He was usually the initiator and since the swap he hadn’t made the slightest move on her.