White Oblivion

by Amirah Bellamy

  I wasn’t hurt by it though because as weird as it was I felt that he was being loyal to my true self and I loved him for that. Part of me felt like if he shared intimacy with her he may as well have cheated on me and that would have been unforgivable. So I felt no less loved by him despite his lack of intimacy over the past few days.

  Being in the imposter body also had it’s impact on Ina as well. She wasn’t her usual clingy, super affectionate, huggable, loveable self with her. Yet again, I understood and was in no way offended by it.

  We were all dealing with her the best way that we could. Meanwhile, I was still searching for answers and solutions as was Doran.

  The most drastic and difficult change that we faced was that I really didn’t go out much. I pretty much went to the studio, the grocery store and returned home. Doran and I weren’t the social butterflies that we usually were going to all the community events together. In fact, there was a workshop coming up that we were already registered for that we had to make a decision about. About a month earlier we had registered for the Divine Marriage Workshop and it was scheduled to be held on the upcoming weekend.

  I really didn’t know what I was going to do. I felt that neither Doran nor I was ready for such an outing. We both knew that there probably wouldn’t be any white people there and that I would stand out like a sore thumb, which was an issue that we’d soon have to address. I knew that I wasn’t ready to address it and I was pretty sure that Doran wasn’t either.

  Then, as if reading my mind and only moments into my thoughts Doran asked, “So baby are we going to the workshop this weekend?”

  “I was just wondering the same thing. I don’t know that we’re ready for an outing like that, but at the same time I know we need to go, especially now with what’s going on,” I replied.

  “You’re right about that. We do need to go. The only concern that I have is how we will each deal with the response from others. I already know that me walking in there with a white girl will bring about a lot of stares,” Doran responded.

  “Yes, those are my thoughts as well. I don’t know babe, I just don’t know,” I added.

  “Well there’s two choices. We can keep hiding in here or we can keep living our lives. We’ve been looking forward to this workshop for weeks. I know that we’ll gain a wealth of knowledge by going whereas staying here will only result in us being in the same place headed nowhere. That said, I think we should go. We’ll deal with the stares when we get there,” Doran said.

  “Wow. Well I guess that says it all. I’m with you babe. If you say we should go then I think we should too. Let’s do it!” I agreed.

  Even with that matter resolved I was still feeling anxious about it. However, after what Doran had said I at least felt a lot more prepared to face my fears. Besides that I knew that Doran would have my back so I tried not to worry too much about it.

  It was getting late so I decided to get dinner started. I had a craving for breakfast food so I made breakfast food for dinner. I pulled out all of the stops. I made homemade waffles with fresh strawberries and veggie sausages.

  “Dinner is ready!” I yelled to Ina and Doran.

  “Ummmm mom smells like breakfast for dinner, my favorite!” Ina said nearly sprinting into the kitchen.

  We had an eat-in kitchen with a mid-sized glass round table that seated 4. I set the waffles, sliced strawberries and sausages in the center of the table along with some freshly squeezed orange and mango juice that I made in the juicer.

  “Wow this feels like the old you is back baby. This looks good. I miss meals like this,” Doran said smiling.

  “Yeah so do I. That’s why I prepared it. We haven’t done this in a long time, at least not since the change. It seems like I’ve been this way forever. I figured waiting for me to change back is stopping me from living now so this is my first step in that direction. I still gotta live,” I said.

  “I agree. You do have to live and I’m happy to see you beginning to do that again,” Doran said as he reached in with his fork to get a waffle.

  “I’m not saying that I’ve got this thing worked out, but I definitely know that even while I’m mentally coming to grips with this thing I also have to keep living,” I added.

  “Well baby we understand. We may not be going through what you’re going through, but we’re here with you while you do. I still don’t know how or why this happened and perhaps we never will. I’ve been researching this thing to death and have still come up empty. It seems this really is one of those freak things that just happened. Have you come across anything yet? Able to make any sense of what that lady in the mall said? Gotten any signs or symbols on what may be going on in your meditations?” Doran inquired.

  “Actually I have. Just yesterday during my meditation I got a strong feeling of being two people. It was like both of them were extremes and they were at war trying to find their balance. The feeling was so strong that I almost felt like I was being pulled into opposite directions. One was so warm and loving while the other gave me a sensation of heaviness. It was like a Jehkyl and Hyde sensation,” I explained.

  “Hmmm that actually makes a lot of sense in light of what’s going on. In a lot of ways you are being pulled in two directions. You’re struggling to maintain your sense of self while also trying to embrace the new set of circumstances you’ve been dealt in light of this change,” Doran suggested.

  Ina was chomping away at the pile of strawberries that she’d piled on top of her waffles while Doran and I talked so she was oblivious to what we were even discussing.

  “I still often look in the mirror though and ask myself, who ARE you? Cause in a sense I feel like I have no idea. I feel like what I thought I knew of me I no longer feel so confident in knowing. It feels like I’m a stranger to myself,” I explained.

  “Well trust me we all feel that way. I always get the feeling like this is all a dream. It’s like a dream you just can’t wake yourself up from. Do you feel that way too?” Doran asked.

  “I sure do babe. It’s weird. I always felt that, but I feel it even more now. I don’t know maybe we are all in a dream,” I said trailing off deep into my own thoughts as I continued eating.

  “Maybe this is the beginning of our waking up. I think the mere fact that we’re consciously thinking that we are dreaming even suggests that,” Doran added seemingly going deeper into his own thoughts as well.

  Doran was always a deep brothah. It’s what drew me to him. I always loved that he wasn’t one to take on anyone else’s truth but his own. He had his own ideologies, not what he read in a book or was conditioned to believe through associations with any groups, religions or family members. He was his own guru and I found that so sexy! This was important to me because I was always a think and live outside-of-the-box kind of girl who a lot of people couldn’t relate to. I always danced to the beat of my own drum and never subscribed to anyone’s belief system.

  So Doran was perfect for me. He was the most open-minded person that I knew. He never judged, down-played, belittled or disrespected anyone elses beliefs. He never looked to prove himself to anyone and never needed to have followers. In fact, he spent most of his free time alone studying and doing his own inner work discovering his own truth. He was definitely his own man. I would sometimes just sit and gaze at him in awe. Then, just like on the day that we met, in that moment I saw him for who he was, a God.

  Just as that thought crossed my mind I thought to myself, “So what does that make me?”

  11

  The weekend had arrived and it was time for Doran and I to head to the Divine Marriage workshop. Ina was at a friends for a sleepover playdate. Doran had dropped her off while I got dressed and tried to get my nerves ready for the workshop.

  I just didn’t know how the community would receive Doran and I as a couple with me as my white self. It was usually frowned upon for a brothah to come to such an event with a white chick. So I couldn’t believe that I was “the white chick” at the event! I still wo
ndered why on earth this was happening to me? Couldn’t it have happened to someone else?

  I tried to get my mind off of what I wasn’t able to control at the moment and focused instead on the workshop. I’d been looking forward to it for weeks and I just couldn’t bring myself to miss it even in the face of such a devastating personal situation. Something was telling me that I needed to be there no matter what and so I kept getting dressed.

  I rummaged through my closet for what felt like hours trying to decide what to wear. Given that I was in my white skin I didn’t want to go looking too ethnic because I didn’t want to look like one of those corny ass white girls trying too hard to look ‘down.’ At the same time I didn’t want to look too mainstream because I didn’t want to look like the white girl who just didn’t quite belong.

  Eventually I decided on just wearing jeans and a brown t-shirt. I figured it was as neutral as I could go. I put my hair up in the usual bun and wore some light brown lip gloss. I hadn’t worn make-up of any kind in what seemed like forever since I’d been in my white body so it felt kind of good to put a little gloss on.

  “Wow you almost look like your old self, only a little more pale,” Doran joked as he came into the room looking at me.

  “Come on babe. I’m trying and this is hard for me,” I sulked.

  “You look fine. I think you’ve made a good choice taking the neutral route,” Doran replied as if instinctively knowing my outfit selection process.

  “Thanks for noticing that because that’s exactly what I was doing,” I answered.

  “So are you about ready? We have to get a move on so we can get a good seat,” Doran asked hurriedly.

  “Yeah… I‘m as ready as I’m gonna get. What about you? Are you ready to face this crowd?” I inquired.

  “I sure am. We have a great cover story to quell the questions. Since we’re saying you’re family no one will suspect an affair or betrayal to the sistahs so to speak,” Doran answered laughing.

  “Yeah I guess you’re right. It should be fine. I keep forgetting about the cover story. In that case it will be fine. I’m ready. Let’s go,” I said grabbing my purse and jacket.

  We both headed for the workshop and though I knew that all would be well I was still nervous as hell the entire ride there. I kept playing the whole thing out in my head of how I thought things might play out. It would either be a disaster or perfectly fine. I chose to go with the latter and began to calm myself down as we arrived and Doran parked the car. I looked at the building that seemed way too close.

  “Ready or not here we go baby!” Doran shouted as he turned the car off.

  “I know. I guess I’m ready. Let’s just do it. The longer I sit in here the more I’ll try to talk myself out of it. So let’s just go,” I said reaching for the door handle to open my own door.

  Doran ran around to meet me on my side and grabbed my door. I hopped out as confidently as I could under the circumstances. Though inside it felt like my heart was about to pound out of my chest and my stomach was on a washing machine spin cycle. My mind was racing. I had shortness of breath and my mouth became as dry as the Sahara desert. I looked up at the building and there seemed to be a million steps between us. Each step that I took toward it seemed like a step closer to my death sentence.

  I thought to myself, “This is worse than death. What am I doing here? Am I crazy?” Again as if reading my thoughts Doran gave me a reassuring look as we approached the front door of the building and he walked ahead of me to open it.

  He whispered in my ear, “Just breathe baby. Just breathe.”

  I nodded feeling a slight sense of relief in knowing that I was not going through this alone. I still carried the weight of my own thoughts as I walked the walk of shame trailing behind Doran as we approached the check-in table. For some reason I didn’t feel worthy of walking beside him. Doran was a strong, fine as hell black man who all black women with working eyes adored. Despite what we were going through he still handled himself with such confidence. He was so in control and exuded such self-assurance.

  Meanwhile, I felt like the scum of the earth in my white skin. I felt ashamed as if I had in someway wronged someone. I felt afraid. I felt the stares of everyone around pierce me like a sword. Again my breathing became more shallow. I thought that at any moment I would just faint, but I talked myself out of that because I didn’t want to bring anymore attention to myself than was already on me.

  Then it seemed that instantly we were at our seats. I was so lost in the hell of my own thoughts that I couldn’t even remember how we got there. The venue wasn’t the fanciest. In fact, it was kind of a hole in the wall. It was an old house that seemed to have been transformed into a meeting hall. The walls needed a fresh coat of paint, the floors weren’t leveled and the windows were old and drafty. It was located in the heart of the city in N.W., D.C. not far from Howard University on Irving St.

  In somewhat of a haze I sat down quickly and lowered my head down almost curling up in the seat as if it was a safety net. I looked around slowly taking detailed notes of my surroundings. I took mental notes of who was sitting near me, whether or not they seemed bothered by my presence. I looked at how visible I was to the speaker and tried to determine whether I would be a distraction. I looked at how close to the end of the row I was in case I needed to make a quick exit. I also looked around to see if there were any other interracial couples there. It was then that I got the shock of my life!

  12

  To my surprise, as I glanced around the room I noticed that there were in fact several other interracial couples in attendance. I had to close my eyes for a few seconds then re-open them again to take a second look to make sure that I wasn’t seeing things. I thought for sure that my eyes were playing tricks on me.

  I looked to the front of us and there was a sistah that I remembered seeing at some other events sitting there with this average height, slim white dude with dark hair that sort of favored Taylor Lautner from the Twilight saga. In fact, for a split second I thought that for a white guy he was kinda hot!

  Then I looked to the left of us and saw a brothah with a white, dark-haired girl who resembled Keira Knightley. Next, to the right of us I could have sworn the white girl that another brothah was with was Alyssa Milano! Everywhere I looked I saw an interracial couple. It was like some sort of epidemic.

  Then just as quickly as that thought came to mind Doran turned to me and blurted out, “Wow, either white is the new black or there is some type of epidemic going on. Are you seeing what I’m seeing?”

  “Yes and I was just thinking the same thing! What the hell is going on? This can’t be a coincidence. I think that what happened to me has happened to a lot of other people here babe. This is so weird. I wonder what this means?” I replied.

  Just as Doran and I were discussing the “epidemic” a couple seated in front of us turned around as if overhearing our conversation and joined in. “It’s definitely an epidemic and weird doesn’t begin to describe it,” a medium-sized white guy sitting with a chocolate, natural-haired sistah blurted out.

  Doran and I looked at him then looked at each other both wondering whether it was okay to share with him what happened to me. Before we could he started telling us his story.

  “A few days ago our entire life changed,” he said grabbing ahold of the sistah’s hand. “I went to sleep as a brothah and woke up like this. I have no explanation as to how or why it happened. Nor do I know how to reverse it. Since then my wife and I have been trying to find out more information. We weren’t gonna come here tonight, but figured we should since we had tickets and since we typically don’t miss these events. Now that we’re here I see that we’re not alone. I wonder if they will discuss it at all in the workshop. I know it wasn’t the planned topic, but it sure as hell needs to be addressed. It seems to be spreading across the black community like wildfire. Anyway enough about me, what’s you guys story?”

  I looked at his wife and she looked at me intensely with inquir
ing eyes. I looked at Doran as I was a bit nervous about disclosing so he answered. Besides that I wasn’t sure if we were still going with the cover story or not.

  “Same story man. We have no idea what’s going on. It’s definitely not the type of thing that you go around asking about so we’ve been laying low and doing the research quietly trying to figure things out on our own. Good to know we’re not alone at least. From the looks of things it’ll definitely be the topic of discussion tonight,” Doran said looking around the room.

  “Yeah you got that right. I can’t wait to hear what others have to say about the situation. I really wanna know if there is a way to reverse it. Not that being a white guy hasn’t come with its perks cause man I been introduced to a whole new reality in this skinsuit!” the guy said jokingly.

  We all laughed along. “But seriously I need my own body back. All the same I’m doing all I can to change our life for the better while I have this one,” he said laughing. We all laughed together.

  Just then a tall, light-skinned brothah with a goatee walked up to the microphone, “Peace everyone. So glad to see that you all made it out once again. As most of you know I’m brothah Kwan and this is our 3rd year doing the Divine Marriage workshop. Glad you all could make it. We have a lot of good information for ya’ll tonight, especially with regards to the obvious questions that ya’ll probably have about what the hell is going on,” he said looking around the room with raised eyebrows.

  “In fact, before we get started I want to go ahead and address it. I’ve heard from a lot of you that some real strange things have been going on in the community. I know first hand what ya’ll are talking about because the same thing happened to me, well maybe not to me, but to my wife, Alicia,” he began then took a long pause.