Zeke Meeks vs the Stinkin' Science Fair

by D. L. Green

  Waggles lay next to me. My sister Mia had clipped purple butterfly barrettes to the fur on his back. “I’m sorry you look so silly,” I told him.

  Mom said, “Don’t do any more projects that could make Waggles throw up.”

  I spent a long time trying to find another project. I despised science even more than I despised homework. I double despised science homework.

  It was hard to concentrate. Princess Sing-Along was on again. Mia and the princess shrieked, “Worms are very cute, la la la. It’s nice to meet them, la la la. It’s okay to touch them, la la la. But you shouldn’t eat them, la la la.”

  I didn’t think worms were cute. I didn’t want to meet them. I didn’t want to touch them. And I would never, ever, ever eat them.

  I clicked on an experiment called “Exploring Quicksand.” It came with a recipe to make something like quicksand. It seemed easy. There were only three ingredients: cornstarch, water, and food coloring.

  It would be fun to see how fast things sank in quicksand.

  And I didn’t think Waggles would eat it.

  I brought out the little tub Mia used to take baths in. I put it on the kitchen floor and mixed the ingredients in it. The quicksand I made looked really cool.

  Next, I searched for things to test in the quicksand. I chose three objects for my experiment.

  First, a tennis ball that Waggles played with sometimes. It was old and covered with dried dog drool. Second, I chose a plastic block from the back of my closet. I hadn’t used it in years. I hadn’t cleaned my closet in years. Third, I found a sparkly gold bracelet that had been lying on the bathroom counter. Mia probably used the bracelet for dress-up games.

  I took the objects into the kitchen. Then I dropped them, one by one, into the quicksand. I counted how many seconds it took for each object to sink all the way in.

  I let out a big yawn. This experiment wasn’t cool enough to win the science fair contest. I would have to look for a better project tomorrow.

  I took the ball, block, and bracelet out of the quicksand. They were sticky and dirty and smelled weird. I threw them in the kitchen trash can.

  It was no big deal. Waggles had other balls to play with. I never used my old blocks. And Mia had other toy bracelets to use for dress-up games.

  Next, I put the quicksand down the sink.

  Then Mom shouted, “My bracelet is missing!”

  Uh-oh.

  She ran into the kitchen. She said, “It’s my very favorite bracelet.”

  Uh-oh.

  “Where did you see it last?” I asked. I hoped she wouldn’t say the bathroom counter.

  “The bathroom counter. I left it there when I washed my hands,” she said.

  Uh-oh.

  “What does the bracelet look like?” I asked. I hoped she wouldn’t say it was gold and sparkly.

  “It’s gold and sparkly,” she said.

  Uh-oh.

  I peered into the trash can and said, “I’ll look for it.”

  “Why are you peering into the trash can?” Mom asked.

  “No reason,” I said.

  She walked to the trash can and peered into the trash can.

  Uh-oh.

  Mom screamed, “Ezekiel Heathcliff Meeks!”

  I guessed Mom was angry, based on several clues: She screamed, she called me by my full name, and her face turned bright red.

  Then she said, “I’m angry.”

  “I know,” I said. “I’m sorry. I thought the bracelet was one of Mia’s toys.”

  “What is that horrible gunk on it?” she asked.

  “Homemade quicksand. And some stuff that was in the trash can. I think some of yesterday’s dog barf got on it,” I said.

  “Take my bracelet out of the trash can and clean it!” Mom screamed so loudly that Waggles whimpered and put his paws over his face.

  Mom wasn’t just angry. She was furious.

  Fortunately, I was able to get all the quicksand and dog barf and other trash off the bracelet. Unfortunately, it took me three hours.

  I finished just in time to brush my teeth, change into my pajamas, and go to bed.

  Then I lay awake half the night worrying about the science fair and Grace Chang’s fingernails.

  As I was leaving the classroom for recess the next day, I noticed that Victoria Crow was still at her desk. I said, “I can’t believe you have to stay inside during recess. How did you get in trouble?”

  “I didn’t get in trouble,” she said. “I want to skip recess so I can work on my science project.”

  I couldn’t believe anyone would choose to miss recess in order to do a science project. I despised science even more than I despised Grace Chang.

  “I’m not just the smartest kid in third grade. I work the hardest too,” Victoria said. “I’m going to win the prize money.”

  I could believe Victoria would win the prize money. I probably wouldn’t win. I didn’t even have a science project yet.

  I walked out of the classroom.

  As soon as I got outside, someone smacked me in the face with a snowball.

  “Gotcha!” Grace Chang said. “Does your face hurt now?”

  “Yes,” I said. “It’s killing me.”

  She giggled her evil giggle.

  Then she said, “Soon you won’t have to worry about snowballs hitting your face. Because you won’t have a face. My fingernails will rip it off of you. I sharpened my nails last night just for you.”

  “Please don’t bother,” I said.

  “It’s no bother. I enjoy it,” Grace said. Then she skipped off to Graceville.

  Hector came up to me. “What are you going to do about Grace Chang?” he asked.

  “Sneak into her house when she’s sleeping and clip her nails?”

  “That’s a thought,” he said.

  “Or I could win the science fair contest and give her the prize money.”

  “That sounds easier,” Hector said.

  “What science project are you doing?” I asked.

  “It’s a secret,” Hector said.

  I frowned. “My project is such a secret that it’s even a secret from me.”

  “I have an idea,” Hector said. “You can show what snow can do.”

  “Grace already showed me. It can get packed into a ball and thrown at my face.”

  “That’s not the only thing snow is good for. Or bad for,” Hector said. “Did you know that salt turns snow even colder than normal?”

  “You can combine snow with salt,” he added, “and use the freezing cold mixture as an ice cream maker. I can help you try it after school.”

  “Everyone loves ice cream. That might be a science fair winner. Thanks,” I said.

  Hector came over after school. We started working on the science fair project right away.

  Mom said, “You’d better not make a mess.”

  “We won’t,” I said. “And we’ll keep Waggles away from the ice cream.”

  When Waggles heard his name and ice cream in the same sentence, he drooled extra hard. Some of it landed on the flowery shirt that Mia had dressed him in.

  Hector and I put vanilla, sugar, and the cream Mom used for her coffee in a plastic bag. Then we shook the bag to blend everything.

  But we’d forgotten to seal the bag. Vanilla, sugar, and cream landed all over us and on the floor and on Waggles.

  “Don’t make a mess!” Mom called out from the bathroom.

  Hector and I cleaned up the mess as fast as we could.

  We started the experiment all over again. “We used up all the cream for my mom’s coffee. We can’t make any more mistakes,” I told Hector.

  We sealed the bag very tight. This time, everything stayed in the bag when we shook it.

  Then we put snow and salt in a jar. We covered the jar tightly and took turns shaking it for five minutes. We both had sore arms, but we now had our ice cream maker.

  Next, we put the bag in the jar. Then we sealed the jar tightly again.

  We were su
pposed to shake it for another fifteen minutes. We took turns, trading off after every minute.

  The jar felt more and more heavy. My arms felt more and more tired. But I didn’t complain. I didn’t want Hector to think I was weak.

  Then I noticed Hector wincing and rubbing his arms. I asked, “Is this hard for you?”

  He didn’t answer. Instead, he asked, “Is it hard for you?”

  “A little,” I said. A burning hot streak of pain shot through my arm.

  “It’s a little hard for me, too,” Hector said. At least that’s what I thought he said. He was gasping so much I had trouble hearing him.

  “Should I try to get help?” I asked.

  “Okay,” Hector gasped.

  I called out, “Help!”

  My mom and sisters rushed into the kitchen. Mom was soaking wet, with shampoo bubbles in her hair and a towel wrapped around her. “I just ran out of the shower. What’s the urgent emergency?” she asked.

  “We need help shaking this jar to make ice cream.”

  She glared at me.

  Alexa said, “I’ll help you.”

  “Thank you,” Hector said.

  “But you have to let me eat the ice cream,” she said.

  “Me too,” Mia said.

  “Me too. But don’t make a mess,” Mom said again.

  “Okay,” I said.

  My mom and sisters took turns shaking the jar until the ice cream was done.

  It looked delicious.

  “I get to try it first,” Alexa said. She filled a big bowl with ice cream.

  Then Mom took some for Mia and her.

  Hector and I got what was left: one spoonful of ice cream. We had to share that spoonful. And we could barely move our arms. But the ice cream was delicious.

  After we finished eating, Mom said, “That was tiring. I’m going to make myself some coffee. I really need it.”

  “We used up all your cream for the ice cream,” I said.

  She glared at me. “Make sure you clean up.”

  “I will,” I said. I brought the ice cream bowls to the kitchen sink and turned on the faucet.

  But the water didn’t go down the drain Instead, it filled the sink.

  Stop. You’re making a big wet mess. Something must have gotten stuck in the sink,” Mom said.

  She tried to fix the sink with the plunger. It didn’t work.

  Then she put vinegar, baking soda, and hot water down the drain. The sink was still clogged.

  “Trying to fix the sink is like doing a science experiment,” I said.

  Mom glared at me again. “I despise science experiments,” she said.

  Finally, Mom crawled under the sink and took apart the pipes. She peered into the bottom one. “I found the problem” she said. “Did you throw the quicksand down the sink yesterday?”

  “Yes, but it wasn’t thick enough to clog the drain,” I said.

  “The quicksand dried out. Then it hardened. Then it clogged the drain,” she said.

  “Oh. Oops.”

  “I told you not to make a mess!” Mom shouted.

  “I need to go home now,” Hector said.

  Mom was mad at me. Hector would probably never want to come over again. But I had a good project for the science fair.

  The next morning started out great. I had a wonderful dream in which I ate homemade ice cream and watched Grace Chang sink in a large vat of quicksand.

  My radio alarm clock woke me. The DJ said today might be the warmest November day ever in Massachusetts. I loved sunny days. And I was glad the snow would be too slushy for Grace to hit me with more snowballs.

  I was especially glad that I had found a great project for the science fair tonight. I hummed a happy tune as I got ready for school.

  I was humming during breakfast when my sister Mia said, “Hey, that’s a Princess SingAlong song.”

  I clapped my hand over my mouth.

  She said, “You were humming one of my favorite Princess Sing-Along songs. Put on a sweet smile, la la la. It’s always in style, la la la.”

  “I didn’t know that,” I said. “Oh, well.” I kept humming the happy song.

  I stopped humming when I saw Grace Chang waiting for me at school. Her two friends, Emma G. and Emma J., stood behind her.

  Grace waved her hand in front of my face. Her monstrous fingernails dangled near my eyes. She said, “Look. I painted my fingernails red, the same color as blood. Now people won’t notice when your face blood gets on my nails.” Then she giggled her evil giggle.

  Emma G. and Emma J. also giggled. But their giggles didn’t seem as evil as Grace’s. Nothing seemed as evil as Grace Chang’s giggle.

  Grace grabbed the front of my T-shirt. “Zeke the Freak Meeks, you owe me fifty dollars,” she said.

  “I’ll get it to you tonight, after the science fair,” I said.

  “If you don’t, you’ll lose your face,” she said. Then she giggled her evil giggle again. She stomped her foot into a big puddle of melted snow, getting me soaking wet. Then she stomped away.

  Emma G. and Emma J. giggled their not evil giggles again and stomped their feet into the puddle, too. But they didn’t get me wet. They both fell into the puddle.

  Hector and I helped them up.

  “Your giggles and feet stomping need a lot of work,” I advised them.

  “You can practice by giggling into a tape recorder and stomping your feet in front of a mirror,” Hector advised them.

  They ran off toward Graceville.

  After they left, Hector asked me, “Are you okay?”

  “Yes. But I’ll be a lot better once I win the science fair prize tonight and give Grace the fifty-dollar prize,” I replied.

  “How are you going to make snow ice cream? The snow is almost all melted away,” he said.

  Yikes! I hadn’t even thought of that. I told Hector, “Say goodbye to my face. This is the last day of its life.”

  My happy mood had vanished.

  I went on the computer as soon as I got home from school. I had only a few hours to find a new science project. A wind turbine project looked cool. But it called for a drill bit and needle-nose pliers. An electronic tester project looked cool, too. But that required wire strippers and insulated jumper leads. I didn’t even know what those things were.

  I put my head on the desk. I despised science even more than I despised spelling tests.

  I would never find a project. Mr. McNutty would make me miss a week of recess. Grace Chang would tear off my face. I probably couldn’t go to recess anyway if I didn’t have a face.

  Waggles came over to me. He wore a T-shirt that said “Perfect Angel.” He’d gotten drool all over it.

  I patted his head and told him, “I forgive you for eating my cheese experiment and barfing it up. I just wish I could find a new project.”

  Then I returned to my computer search. Most of the projects I saw were much too hard. I didn’t have time to experiment with polymerase chain reactions, dinoflagellates, or genomics. I didn’t even have time to learn what they were.

  Finally, I found a project. It required only a can of soda. I doubted I’d win the science fair with it, but at least it was something.

  My whole family went to the science fair. When we got to the school auditorium, I walked over to Hector and his family.

  My mom and sisters followed me.

  My sister Alexa suddenly smiled. She rushed up to Hector. “Ooh, Hector, I didn’t know you had an older brother,” she said. Then she turned to Hector’s brother. “And what a handsome brother you are. I feel like we were meant to be together.”

  Hector’s brother smiled back at Alexa. He said, “I feel like we were meant to be together, too.”

  I frowned and said, “I feel like throwing up.”

  Mom said, “Don’t make a mess.”

  Mia sang a Princess Sing-Along song. “Don’t throw up in your nice bed, la la la. Run to the bathroom instead, la la la.”

  “Did you find a new science proje
ct?” Hector asked me.

  “Yes,” I said. “And now that it’s the night of the science fair, you can tell me what project you’re doing.”

  He shook his head. “It’s still a secret.”

  Every person in our class had to go onstage and talk about his or her science project. Rudy Morse went up first. He said, “I need help from the audience for my experiment. Everyone seated in the first three rows, please move back. It’s for your own safety.”

  After they moved, Rudy said, “For my project, I wanted to learn how far the human fart can travel. To help answer this scientific question, I recently ate a half-gallon of kidney beans.”

  Then he turned his back to the audience, bent over, and let out a giant fart.

  He turned toward the audience again. “Can you smell that?” he asked.

  “Yes,” someone shouted.

  “How about the people in the back of the auditorium? Can you smell that fart?” he asked.

  “Unfortunately, yes,” someone in the back of the room shouted.

  “Everyone in Massachusetts can probably smell that,” another person said.

  “It’s disgusting,” one of the parents said.

  “Repulsive,” Mr. McNutty said.

  “Gross,” a girl said.

  People were coughing all around me, so it was hard to hear what else was said.

  I thought Rudy’s experiment was cool.

  Laurie Schneider shared her project next. She had made the wind turbine I saw on the computer. It looked great.

  I whispered to Hector, “I bet she’ll win the contest.”

  Laurie turned on the wind turbine. It was really loud. The wind from the turbine spread Rudy Morse’s fart stink all over the auditorium.

  Mr. McNutty shouted, “Enough of that!”

  “What? Did you say ‘I love that’?” Laurie shouted back.

  “Turn it off!” he shouted.

  “Did you say ‘Turn it up’?” she shouted back. “Okay, if you say so.” Then she flicked a switch. The wind turbine got louder and faster.

  Mr. McNutty rushed to the stage. The wind turbine blew his hairpiece off his head.