Mom's Perfect Boyfriend

by Crystal Hemmingway

  I wasn’t exactly on a bikini diet and workout plan, but I did buy a new two-piece for the trip. But then I found out that Mom was going to come, and I realized that I’m a few pounds heavier than last time she saw me. I think it’s only five pounds or so, but when I gained the Freshman 15, she told me, “I’ll love you no matter what size you are.” I weighed 130 pounds! It wasn’t like I’d ballooned to the size of a whale. And since I’m around 135 now, I definitely didn’t want a repeat of that incident. So my bikini never saw the light of day, and I never got to show it off to David.

  I’m still not sure where David and I will stand, but I’ve decided that it’s time to acknowledge who I am, and how I want to dress. So I wore my only pair of heels to work the other day, just for fun. But on the way in, the heel got stuck in a grate, and snapped right off. I had my backup flats on before I even sat at my desk, but it felt like a sign. I’ve had those heels since my high school band concerts, and now seemed like a good time for an upgrade.

  So on the way home from work yesterday, I took a detour to Saks.

  Not the outlet – actual Saks. And I tried on some legit heels. Like Manolos and Louboutins (I still don’t know how you even pronounce it). I walked in there with my pre-loved Gucci purse and tried to hold my head up high. The shoe salesman was really nice, and even offered some suggestions when I (reluctantly) admitted that the Manolos and Louboutins were uncomfortable. He brought out this pair of heeled Prada sandals, and oh my god they were the most beautiful shoes I’d even seen. I was sure they’d be horrendously uncomfortable, but they weren’t at all. In fact, they were more comfortable than my trusty high school Rockports, even though the heels were over an inch taller.

  The only problem? The price. They’re almost $600, and will probably never go on sale. So I put them on hold, and then came home and turned the internet upside down looking for a discount.

  But guess what?

  Designer shoes aren’t just expensive, they’re also rare. I couldn’t find a single site that had the same style, color, and size in stock. So even if I could use a promo code, it probably won’t be for the right pair.

  Which leaves me with a dilemma.

  Do I buy these perfect, amazing shoes and get one step closer to becoming the sophisticated lady I’ve always wanted to be?

  Or do I take the sensible route, and go back to Macy’s and consignment shops like usual? Well, I know which one Mom would pick. But that doesn’t mean I should drop hundreds on a single pair of shoes, either.

  What if a friend’s dog chewed them up? Or what if they fell in a manhole? $600, down the drain.

  But on the other hand, I just spent over $1500 on a trip to Hawaii (and that was just my half). The ticket alone was almost the entire cost of the shoes. And what did I get?

  Dumped and miserable, that’s what.

  I could’ve bought almost three pairs of Prada sandals for that, and they probably would’ve made me much happier.

  I can see why they call it “retail therapy.” I’m going to sleep on this, because that’s the smart thing to do. Even if they do offer free returns.

  Return to the Tower, Page 11

  The prince pulled Rapunzel into the empty dining room, and shut the door carefully behind him. Rapunzel’s heart was beating fast, and her stomach clenched in anticipation. Why wouldn’t he meet her gaze? Had something gone terribly wrong?

  Finally, he spoke.

  “I can’t do this,” he said.

  “That’s fine,” Rapunzel said. “I’ll make the necessary apologies to the duchess. We can say you’ve taken ill.”

  He didn’t reply. Slowly, he pulled his gaze back to hers. His expression was desperate, the pitiable look of a caged animal.

  “It’s not about the dinner,” she said, as the pieces finally fell into place.

  It was about the engagement, just as she feared. Rapunzel’s mind raced. She’d risked everything to come here, and he wanted break off the engagement now? He was the one who came to her tower in the first place, and convinced her to leave. And now that she had barely started living, was it all going to just…end?

  “It’s over, then?” Rapunzel forced herself to choke out the words. She had to be sure.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I never meant…”

  Rapunzel nodded slowly. She placed a hand on a nearby chair to steady herself. It felt as if the floor could open up and swallow her whole, but she forced herself to stand upright, trying to take the news with the grace of a princess.

  Of course, there was probably no point now. The prince was rejecting her. So she was, and always would be, a commoner.

  “I’ll be out of the palace by first light,” she said. “Unless you wish me to leave immediately?”

  The prince studied her face, as if the thought of her leaving the palace only just occurred to him.

  “First light, then,” she said.

  “I take my leave, your highness,” she added. The formal address felt odd even as she spoke it, because to her, he was merely “William.” Even when she found out his true identity, he insisted that she never use his formal titles.

  That was all going to change now. He was her sovereign prince, and nothing more.

  Rapunzel strode toward the door and left, forcing herself not to glance back. She wove through the hallways, holding her head high. Servants curtsied to her, and she nodded in acknowledgement.

  By tomorrow they’ll barely spare me a glance, she thought.

  When she finally reached her room, she went to her writing desk. It took her sixteen attempts, but finally she managed to write a passable letter to her mother, Dame Gothel. How angry she must’ve been, to discover how Rapunzel had fled the tower. She hadn’t heard a word from Rapunzel, and the guilt of her escape pressed on Rapunzel each day.

  She had imagined, from time to time, writing a special letter to accompany her wedding invitation. Rapunzel thought that her mother might forgive her, if she knew her daughter had a promising future ahead. Rapunzel never thought she’d have to swallow her pride now, and beg for Dame Gothel’s forgiveness.

  Rapunzel sealed the letter with wax, and gave it to a servant. With luck, her mother would arrive before first light.

  If she forgave her.

  Rapunzel didn’t even want to think about the alternative. She wanted nothing more than to disappear, not spend a life begging for scraps in the capital’s grimy streets – or worse. No one would want to touch the woman discarded by the prince – the would-be princess who presumed far beyond her station.

  Later that night, as Rapunzel lay awake in the extravagant palace bed, she wondered why the tears didn’t come. She was covered in layer upon layer of sumptuous quilts, and yet she felt numb with cold.

  I never belonged here, she thought. It was all a terrible, beautiful dream.

  Email, July 15

  From: Peggy Hemmingway

  To: Margot Hemmingway

  Subject: Hi from Northfield

  Dear Margot,

  How is life in sunny California? Hot and humid here in Northfield…high 80s…lots of mosquitoes.

  Set the date for the HHHA Holiday Fundraiser…hall was booked out so we’re on the 24th...later than usual. Would love if you could make it.

  Heard your old friend Eric Robertson and his wife have separated…might be a divorce before Christmas.

  How are your girls? Has Crystal set a date yet? Looking forward to the wedding.

  Love you much.

  Mother

  P.S. Would like to be friends with a gal on Facebook. She has verbally agreed but now need to locate her on the website.

  Email, July 15

  From: Margot Hemmingway

  To: Peggy Hemmingway

  Subject: Re: Hi from Northfield

  Dear Mother,

  Sorry about the humid weather. Hope you get some cool breezes soon.

  San Diego is a
little hotter than usual this year, high 90’s this week. Next week it might get as high as 100, which is rare for us.

  I will check with the girls and see what the holiday plans are like this year. The HHHA fundraisers are always a treat so I would hate to miss it.

  As far as I know, Crystal hasn’t set a date yet. Both she and Lisa are working long hours right now, so we don’t get to talk as often as we’d like. Hopefully work will slow down for them again soon, so Crystal can start preparations. I’d very much like to help, but she also mentioned hiring a planner, so she might go that route.

  Hope the fundraiser planning goes well.

  Love,

  Margot

  P.S. To find your friend on Facebook, type her name in the search box on your Facebook home page. If you have any difficulties, call me and I’d be happy to walk you through it.

  Email, July 17

  From: Crystal Hemmingway

  To: Jennifer Smith

  Subject: Re: Desert Palace Playset (Item #A4405938)

  Hi Jen,

  Thanks for your feedback. I removed the term “your princess” to avoid a potential gender bias, and added in the imagination reference as well.

  Here’s the updated version:

  “Tucked away in the heart of a magical desert, this palace is an oasis fit for a princess. Join Talia, the Arabian Princess, and her friends in this three-tiered castle filled with lights, sounds, and imagination. Includes six figurines, furniture, and accessories for hours of fun.”

  Let me know what you think.

  Thanks,

  Crystal

  Email, July 17

  From: David Richards

  To: Crystal Hemmingway

  Subject: Re: Hey

  Hey Crystal,

  Sorry about the way we left things in Hawaii. I didn’t want you to have to fly home alone, but I needed some time on my own to process everything, and I wanted to be surrounded by nature.

  It’s good to hear that you’re setting some limits with your mother, and that you’re doing it for you. It was hard to see you getting so stressed out after her phone calls, when you already have a stressful job and so much else going on. I know that you care about her, and that’s part of what I like about you, but it’s important to take care of yourself, too.

  I got an email from Mike the other day. He’s going to take a leave of absence from NASA and finally hike the Pacific Crest Trail (PCT). He’s been preparing for the last few months, and is heading out in the next week. It was something we’d always talked about doing together, but we never could find the right time.

  Then I emailed work to request an extra week off. Turns out I finally earned my sabbatical, but the benefit is being discontinued at the end of the year. So if I don’t take the time this year, I lose it.

  Mike and I got to talking, and he invited me to do the PCT with him. He talks about it like it’s going to be some epic Tolkien-esque adventure, trekking through forests, climbing snow-capped mountains, and sleeping under the stars. I know it seems crazy, because I’m not really the outdoorsy type, but that’s why I think this is exactly what I need. MOB2 was a train wreck, and I can’t imagine spending the rest of my working career on the verge of burnout. A few months in nature might help me find some answers. Or at least help me get in shape again.

  It’s probably going to take us five months, and I’m nowhere near fit enough. From everything Mike told me, this may be the hardest thing we’ve ever done, but that’s why I think I need to do it. If all goes well, we’ll both be better people at the other end of the trail. But I don’t want to ask you to wait for me, because I probably won’t be the same person when I return.

  In the meantime, I’ll be going off the grid for awhile, so I’m sending the apartment office a check. I’m covering my rent for the next half of the year, so you won’t have to move. I’ll think about the best way to handle my stuff, but in the meantime, feel free to rearrange things how you like. And if there’s an emergency, my parents will know how to reach me.

  I’m sorry that you got caught up in the middle of all this. I just need some time on my own to figure things out.

  -David

  P.S. As for the mail, if you could forward anything time-sensitive to my parents, I’d appreciate it. I’ll update my addresses to their place so you shouldn’t have to deal with it for long.

  Boople Chat, Tues July 18, 9:45 AM

  Crystal

  i bought the shoes

  Lisa

  waaaagh! send me a picture

  Crystal

  ok just emailed it

  Lisa

  who emails photos? just paste it here you dork

  Crystal

  too late

  Lisa

  OMG those are stunning

  Crystal

  they’d better be…i spent way too much on them

  Lisa

  how much?

  Crystal

  ugggggghhh…you really don’t want to know

  Lisa

  isn’t saks the best?

  Crystal

  YES

  Crystal

  i could get used to being called “miss” and being offered fiji water

  Lisa

  LOL

  Crystal

  this is awful

  Crystal

  i’ll never be able to shop at old navy again

  Lisa

  welcome to the dark side ;)

  Crystal

  this is all your fault

  Lisa

  i’ve never spent more than $300 on a pair of shoes

  Crystal

  that’s ten times what a pair of shoes should cost

  Lisa

  says the girl wearing $600 heels

  Crystal

  hey how did you know that?

  Lisa

  oh was i right? nice

  Crystal

  not cool

  Lisa

  stop feeling guilty and own it

  Lisa

  not like you can return them now

  Crystal

  don’t remind me

  Crystal

  gotta run, meeting

  Lisa

  kk

  Boople Chat, Tues July 18, 12:05 PM

  Crystal

  hey

  Lisa

  must’ve been some meeting

  Crystal

  um yeah…they’re shutting down our office

  Lisa

  WHAT?

  Crystal

  yeah, i’m out of a job

  Lisa

  oh my god, i’m so sorry

  Crystal

  yeah it sucks

  Crystal

  we had record sales this year, too, but they decided to outsource all our jobs

  Lisa

  that doesn’t make any sense

  Lisa

  there’s no way some random outsourcer can write product descriptions as well as you

  Crystal

  tell that to the CEO

  Lisa

  :(

  Crystal

  sorry i don’t mean to take it out on you

  Lisa

  it’s fine

  Crystal

  can i call you?

  Lisa

  i’ve got a meeting for the next hour, but right afterwards?

  Crystal

  ok, thanks

  Lisa

  we can still chat here if you want…it’s just a conference call

  Crystal

  thanks, that’d be nice

  Lisa

  of course

  Lisa

  wish i could give you a hug

  Crystal

  yeah where’s david when i need him

  Lisa

  :(

  Crystal

  he’s in canada now btw

  Lisa

  ?

  Crystal

&n
bsp; he’s going to hike the PCT

  Lisa

  doesn’t that take months?

  Crystal

  yep

  Crystal

  he’s on a journey of self-discovery

  Lisa

  aw man

  Crystal

  yeah it’s not ideal

  Crystal

  but at least he’s sending along his half of the rent

  Crystal

  so i won’t be homeless on his account

  Lisa

  that’s good at least

  Crystal

  but now i’m starting to regret these shoes

  Lisa

  aw

  Crystal

  $600 is like a months’ rent

  Crystal

  maybe i should consign them

  Lisa

  it’s not worth it

  Lisa

  you love those shoes

  Lisa

  and consignment will give you peanuts

  Crystal

  TRUE

  Crystal

  yeah i guess i’m stuck with them for now ;)

  Lisa

  :)

  Lisa

  i can get you a reference at boople if you’re interested

  Lisa

  we’ve got some technical writing jobs open

  Crystal

  thanks

  Crystal

  not sure i’m ready to think about that yet

  Lisa

  just let me know

  Lisa

  don’t forget to apply for unemployment btw