[Marvin's] World of Deadheads

by Paul Atreides

  “Oh, he’s upset. He thinks his brother has the hots for Jenna.” Mike interjected.

  “Not a chance, dude. No way. Ain’t gonna happen.”

  Marvin’s brow scrunched. “What makes you so sure?”

  “Marvin. Listen to your Uncle Tommy. She’s not interested in him.”

  “What, you have some kind of crystal ball now?”

  “Yeah, Marvin, I’ve got a crystal ball all right. In fact I got two of ‘em.” Tommy grabbed his crotch. “Right here.”

  “Very funny, ya schmuck. Go put some pants on.”

  Mike rolled his eyes. “Oh, jeez. Are we back on that kick again? Come on, Brody. Every time you get a bug up your ass, your attitude sucks. You know that?”

  Tommy plopped down on the couch opposite Marvin. “Eh, give him a break, Mike. He’s upset right now.”

  “Yeah, give me a break,” Marv sneered.

  “I’ll give you a break all right. Snap out of it or I’m going to break your head.” Mike slapped the air for effect.

  “Now, boys. Don’t fight. It’s not nice. Besides, I’m not awake enough yet to come over there and give you both a hug. Do I need to give you hugs?” Tommy put his cup on the coffee table and started to get off the couch.

  Marv covered his eyes in mock horror and started to laugh in spite of his foul mood. “Jesus H. Christ! Anything but that right now.”

  Tommy sat back down. “I thought so, dude. Now, what can we do to calm your little self?”

  “I don’t know… I need to convince the little squirt to stay away from her. Besides, if we’re successful in…well, you know, he’ll be hurt and I don’t wanna see my little brother get hurt.”

  They sat in silence for a few minutes until Mike spoke up. “Okay, so what do you suggest?”

  Tommy, who had been staring out the window, turned his gaze to Marvin. “We could pay him a visit.”

  “And do what?”

  “I don’t know. Mess with him. Go all Shining on him.” Tommy gave him a sinister smile.

  “What the hell is that?”

  “The Shining? Stephen King? Book, movie…” Mike chimed in.

  “I know that, Mike! I’m not a complete ignoramus.”

  “Well, remember how messages were written in red on the walls and the mirror? We could do that,” Tommy suggested.

  “I don’t want to give him a heart attack!”

  “Dude, I’m just tossing things out here.”

  “What else you got rattling around in that head of yours?”

  “Just some harmless fun.” Tommy got off the couch and headed for the bedroom to dress.

  Three hours later, the three sat in the living room of David’s small apartment waiting for him to wake up. Tommy snickered when he saw David sauntering out from the bedroom.

  Marvin stood up and his mouth engaged before his brain could remind him he was attempting to communicate with someone still among the living. “Jesus H, David, go put some shorts on. Don’t you know you’ve got company?”

  Mike and Tommy no longer bothered to mention his outbursts to the living and allowed it to pass.

  David stretched and yawned on his way through the room. At the archway to the kitchen, he stopped and sniffed the air. He turned around to face them. “You’re here, aren’t you Marv? I smell your cologne.”

  “He knows we’re here?” Marvin asked Tommy and Mike, who sat on the couch.

  Mike shrugged, “Maybe he does, Brody. I think some folks are more in tune than others.”

  “What do you want, Marvin?”

  “Seriously?”

  Marvin had directed the question to Mike, but it was David who answered. “Seriously.” He paused and took in another sample of the air. “Is someone with you? I smell…”

  Tommy whistled. “Whoa, dude. I think he really does know. This is far out!”

  “If he thought he wasn’t alone, wouldn’t he put some pants on or something,” Mike asked and waved a hand toward the naked David. “I mean, I’d never parade around like that.”

  Marvin laughed. “Yeah, right! You two got your own nudist colony going on over there at the hotel. Besides, he’s my kid brother. We shared a room until I left for college. What’s he got I haven’t seen before? What’s he gonna do I haven’t seen before, if you get my drift.”

  David cocked an ear and an inquisitive look toward the sound, then went into the kitchen. He returned with a glass of iced tea and plopped down into a chair. “Ma’s really pissed off, you know. About the insurance money? She thinks Jenna conned you into it.”

  “What, if you know I’m here ya little bastard, you can’t offer your brother a beer?” David didn’t answer. “Ah, forget it. I’ll help myself. You guys want anything?”

  “I’ll take a beer, dude.”

  “Brody, if there’s any soda…”

  “Coming right up.” Marvin went into the kitchen.

  “Anyway, it’s not helping my cause, you know what I mean, bro? I mean, how can I ever get Ma to accept her, if she keeps thinking Jen’s nothing but a piker?”

  Marvin didn’t believe his brother really knew they were there. He figured David was just talking to the air, trying to clear his own conscience, so he wouldn’t feel guilty. He brought the cans to the living room and passed them around. When the tabs were popped, David’s head tilted toward the sound.

  “Christ almighty, Marvin, how many beers are you going to drink at once?”

  “You little shit! You really do know we’re here, don’t you?”

  “You do have friends with you, don’t you? And you let me walk around swinging in the breeze?” David asked, though he didn’t move other than to tilt his head and lean forward to sniff the air again. “Eh, we’re all guys so I guess it doesn’t matter.”

  “Can you hear me David?” Marvin asked in amazement.

  “Anyway, you’re probably upset that I’m thinking of… dating Jen, I guess you’d call it. But, I swear Marvin…”

  “I guess not,” Tommy interjected to David’s commentary.

  “…it’s Ma’s idea. You know that, right?”

  “I don’t care whose idea it is, I don’t like it.”

  “And Jenna — she’s, well… At first I didn’t think it was cool, you know? Moving in on my dead brother’s territory. But it would get Ma off my back. You know how she can be…”

  “I put up with her nonsense for twenty-three years until I moved to Dayton. So yeah, I think I know. But, I’m beginning to think it’s not Ma at all.” Marvin said, his anger rising again.

  “But, hey, you don’t have to get your Jockey’s in a bunch. ‘Cause, even if I was serious about it, I don’t think it would last very long.”

  “You don’t know how right you are, except not for the reasons you’re thinking.”

  “After talking with her on the phone last night, I don’t think I’m really her type. So, you guys don’t have to get all… Paranormal Activity on me, you know? Anyway, I’m sorry Marvin. Oh, hey! Hang on a second.” David stood and walked to the bedroom.

  Tommy let out a soft whistle. “This is weird, dudes. I’ve never had one of them carry on a conversation like this. Your brother’s… strange.”

  “Hey! Don’t you be dissin’ on my little brother, hippie. He’s a good kid.”

  “Dude, I was just sayin’ —”

  “Well, don’t.” Marvin pointed a finger at Tommy. “Besides, I think —”

  “— if you’d let me finish, I’m sayin’ it’s strange because when they can hear us, they hear all of us. But, it seems like he can only hear you, and just bits and pieces at that.”

  “Oh. Well…”

  David came back carrying the baseballs. “Thanks for these.”

  Marvin’s shoulders slumped. “Ah, Jesus H. She gave ‘em to you? Here I thought she sold them. Jeez, what an asshole I was.”

  “It kinda helps to, you know… I’m sorry you died ‘cause I miss you. Whenever I thought I needed someone to talk to, you’d always be my go-to guy. Bu
t… I think… now I talk to these. Or Jen, if she’ll answer the phone.” David shrugged and sank into the chair again. “Oh, Ma’s got your diploma by the way. It’s hanging on the dining room wall, right next to mine.”

  Marv walked over, put a hand on David’s head and scruffed his hair like he used to do when they were kids and he was about to leave for a date. “Look, kid, you hang in there. Things’ll be… okay.” Marv turned to leave. “Come on you two. Let’s get out of here.”

  David smiled and ran his hands through his hair. “Oh, Marv?”

  Marvin paused. “Yeah?”

  “Thanks for coming by.”

  “Sure thing, kiddo. Be good.”

  “Marvin, dude, is that you in there?” Tommy asked after they’d walked through the wall onto the street.

  “What d’ya mean is it me in there? Of course it’s me, ya schmuck!” Marvin slapped Tommy on the back of the head.

  Tommy grinned. “Yeah, it’s you. Just checking.”

  Marvin smiled and put an arm around Tommy’s shoulder. They headed for the bus stop with Mike following close behind. “Come on, hippie. Let’s go figure out how to do this.”

  “About that,” Mike started. “Didn’t you say she’s golfing this weekend?”

  Marv turned to look at him. “Yeah. Why?”

  “I hear that can be a pretty dangerous sport.” Mike raised his brows.

  “Golf?”

  “Oh, dude… You’d be surprised how many folks have died on a golf course.” Tommy deliberately failed to mention he knew the bulk of those deaths to be caused by heart attacks and lightning strikes.

  -36-

  Tommy, Mike and Marvin followed Larry and Jenna around the golf course. At first the pranks were harmless. They slipped clubs from the bags and put them back, and kicked balls off the tees. On the third hole, Marv took all the extra balls from Jenna’s golf bag and passed them off to Tommy “for later.”

  On the fifth hole, as Larry swung his club, right before the moment of impact, Mike snatched the ball off the tee. It winked out of sight and the club drove right through him. “Ow! Dammit,” Mike swore and rubbed his head. Tommy and Marv went into fits of laughter.

  “Smooth move, ExLax,” Tommy taunted him.

  Mike smiled and flipped him the bird. “Note to self: Do not do that from the same side of the ball as the golfer.”

  Both Larry and Jenna shaded their eyes and peered out along the fairway to watch the drive and the eventual drop to land. While they searched the empty air over the fairway, Mike put the ball back on its tee.

  “Where is it? I don’t see it.”

  “I know I didn’t slice it.”

  “Well, balls don’t just disappear into the ozone, Larry! Face it, you sliced it. Just hit another one. Don’t worry, I’ll give you a bye so the stroke doesn’t count.”

  Larry returned to his golf bag and wrested another ball from a pouch in the shape of a scrotum with “It Takes Balls to Golf” printed on it. He turned to place it on the tee and stopped in mid-bend. “What the…”

  The guys — especially Tommy, who really enjoyed this kind of thing — cracked up at the confused look of self-doubt spread over Larry’s face..

  Jenna didn’t intend to be unsportsmanlike or bruise his fragile ego, but stood with a smirk on her face. “Looks like you swiped air.”

  Larry’s demeanor turned sour. “I’ve been golfing for fifteen years. I do not swipe air!”

  “Sorry. But, you definitely swung the club and there’s the ball, sitting on the tee, right where you placed it.”

  “Well, I don’t get it. But, fine.” Larry put the extra ball into his pocket, addressed the one on his tee and swung again. Two-hundred and twenty-four yards out, it dropped onto the green and rolled to within four feet of the cup. “There!” He turned to Jenna with an I-told-you-so look and a challenging smile. “Top that.”

  Jenna rolled her eyes at his little outburst. She fought the urge to compare Larry to Marvin, but she figured comparisons would be an inevitable process of reentering the dating scene after such a long relationship and pushed the thought aside. She placed her tee and ball without a word, addressed the swing, and momentarily glanced over her shoulder to Larry. “Oh, by the way, no byes on air.” She swung.

  “Holy shit! Did you see that!” Marv asked after they’d all watched her ball float through the air, drop to the green and roll into the cup. “How does she do that? It’s like everything she tries, she’s good at. No practice, no nothin’, she just goes out and does it.”

  Jenna turned to Larry with a smug smile. “How’s that? That good enough for you? Does that top yours?” she asked and headed down the fairway to the green, pulling her bag cart behind her.

  Larry followed silently mouthing her words in a fit of boyish petulance.

  Marvin laughed. “See? Now this is the Jen I really miss!”

  “Hey, Brody!” Mike called from the opposite side of the tee box, “maybe she’ll give us all lessons. We can offer to finish the round with her.”

  “Yeah, dude. I think I might enjoy this.”

  “Oh, come on, hippie, since when do you care about anything that doesn’t act, sing, or dance?”

  Tommy put his hands on his hips and scowled. “Marvin, that was uncalled for. Just because I prefer movies and stuff over watching a bunch of guys beat each other up trying to move a hunk of pigskin down a long, white-striped field is no reason to dis me, bro!”

  Marv and Mike laughed at Tommy’s stance and the delivery. Marvin walked to him, hung an arm around his shoulders, and gave him a noogie on the top of his head. “I’m just teasing ya, ya schmuck. You might get stuck in the pot-headed sixties once in a while but, I love you. You know that?”

  “Dude… you touch your Uncle Tommy’s heart. You really do.” Tommy broke into a smile and wiped a false tear from his eyes. “You like me, you really like me!”

  Marv gave him a playful punch in the arm. “All right Sally Field, let’s get on with this.”

  Mike and Tommy both stood stunned for a minute.

  “What?”

  “You actually recognized that?”

  “Hey! I’m not a total spaz, Mike. I’ve been known to read about pop-culture like the Oscars from time to time.”

  “Son-of-a-bitch. There’s hope for you yet, Brody.”

  Tommy pulled a golf ball from his pocket and tossed it to Mike. “Here, let’s see how far you can throw one of these.”

  Mike yelled, “Fore!”

  Only a few deadheads on an opposite fairway of the course cocked an ear toward the sound of his voice. The ball sailed through the air and smacked Larry in the buttocks.

  “Ow! What the fuck?” Larry turned to look back toward the tee-box but saw no one to cuss out for the offense.

  “What? What’s wrong? What happened?” Jenna ran to Larry. “Did you get stung by something?”

  “No! Some nut job just drove a ball into my ass.”

  Jenna laughed. “Well, at least he didn’t drive it up your ass. Come on, tap your putt and let’s go.”

  “Very funny, Jen. It hurts like hell.” Larry grabbed the offending ball and limped toward the green while he continued to glance around the course for the guilty party.

  Jenna rolled her eyes. “It looks as if you’ll live, big boy.”

  “Hey, not bad Mike. But your aim is a little off, don’t ya think?”

  “If you can do better Brody, go for it. Didn’t you play ball in high school?”

  “Toss one here, Tommy.” Marvin studied the distance and started to walk down the fairway. At the approximate distance between a pitcher’s mound and home plate, he wound up and heaved. Jenna bent down to retrieve her golf ball from the cup at the exact moment the ball soared past her head and rustled strands of hair out of place. “Shit!”

  “Ah, dude… the timing was off just a hair. Try it again.” Tommy pulled another ball from his pocket. “Here’s another one.”

  Larry hollered as he spun around toward the t
ee. “You sons of bitches! What the hell is going on?”

  Jenna stood up, swiped at the errant lock, and pocketed her ball. “What are you going on about?”

  “Don’t tell me you didn’t notice that. A ball just whizzed past your head! If you hadn’t bent down, the guy would’ve clocked you a good one.” Larry spun in a complete circle. “I can’t figure out where they’re coming from. Do you see anyone?”

  Jenna looked back toward the tee box at emptiness. “I don’t see anyone within range. Maybe someone’s got a wicked slice,” she suggested and turned with a shrug to scan the opposite fairways.

  Neither she nor Larry could see the old man who stood next to the bench under a nearby tree. He shook his head in disappointment. And the trio of would-be assassins were too preoccupied with catching their quarry to notice him.

  Marvin caught the toss from Tommy, wound up and pitched in one fluid motion. This time he came much closer to the mark, but Larry stepped in front of Jenna and took the hit to his left shoulder blade and went down with a loud grunt.

  “What?” Jenna turned to look down at him “Oh, please. Is it your bruised ass, or a bruised ego?” She let out a chuckle Larry cut short.

  “Ha, ha. Very fuckin’ funny.”

  Concern tinged her voice. “Wait! Did you get hit again?”

  “God damn it! Whoever this asshole is…” Larry sat up and tried to rub the area. “Ow. Motherfucker, that hurts.”

  “Are you all right? What the hell is going on?” Jen helped Larry get up off the ground and steadied him. She took another look around the course, didn’t see anyone near enough to have hit with such force, but spotted a bench. “Here, come on.” She wrapped an arm around his waist to support him. “There’s a bench over there near the next tee. You better sit for a couple minutes.”

  Determined to succeed, Marvin strode to the golf bags left forgotten at the side of the green. He pulled the five wood and a ball from Larry’s bag. The ball popped into view of the living as he tossed it a few feet into the air, then it dropped toward the ground and went flying. Before they reached the bench it cracked Jenna in the back of the head. She crumpled to the ground and, with the sudden lack of support, Larry fell next to her.