Halloween Hiccups: A Mercy Mares Cozy Mystery Novella

by Ava Mallory

  Luigi must have been summoned to the front by the hostess because he suddenly appeared to quell the situation.

  “Is everything all right up here? Do we have a problem?” He asked, but stopped cold as he recognized me under the hat that Ruby shoved on my head as I walked out my front door.

  “Mercedes? You look... look beautiful! What did you do? I've never seen you dressed up like this before. You're almost unrecognizable!” Luigi exclaimed.

  Thanks a lot for informing everyone that I normally walk around looking like I just rolled out of bed. That's a confidence booster, if I ever heard one.

  “Thanks, but I wasn't trying to draw attention.” I said, choosing not to chew him a new one for his backhanded compliment.

  In due time. In due time.

  Not wanting to scare off any customers, Luigi pretended to have been expecting us and escorted us to a table in the far corner of the room, behind an already seated Charlie and Charlene. Her eyes were glossed over with that giddy kind of look that some women get when they are anywhere near a handsome man.

  Charlie sat with a big, wide grin on his face, his eyes equally lit up like hers. Their dinner sat untouched in front of them. I wondered how long they'd been here already.

  Under the table, Charlene playfully swung her leg, each swing grazing Charlie's pant leg. My face reddened at the sight. What was she trying to do?

  As Luigi handed us the menus, he leaned down next to my ear and whispered, “Charlie says to make sure you hit record.”

  I rolled my eyes. Did he really think I'd forget?

  I reached into my handbag to grab my phone and it wasn't there.

  “What's the matter, honey?” Margie asked, noticing the look on my face.

  In my mind, I could see where the phone was and it definitely wasn't in my bag. I had a mental image of it, sitting on top my kitchen table, where Nubbin and Margie were sitting next to each other as I finished getting dressed.

  “I forgot my phone.” I said, mortified that I'd screwed up.

  Margie reached into her bag and handed me one that looked remarkably similar to Ruby's phone. “Here, she said you'd lose yours.”

  “Thanks.” I said as I took it and scrolled through it to find the recording option. “But, we're too far away to hear any conversation.”

  “Just record. I think he wants footage, not audio.” Margie spoke as if she was an old hand at this sort of thing.

  Nubbin groaned. “Just give it to me. I'll handle this.” He grabbed the phone out of my hand and walked over to Charlie's table, slipping the phone into his front breast pocket as he pulled a chair up and sat down next to Charlene.

  Charlie immediately turned and glared at me as if I'd put Nubbin up to it. I didn't have time to stop him. Nubbin was a force of nature and three times my size. What could I do?

  Loud enough so that everyone this side of the Atlantic could hear him, Nubbin asked, “Did you kill Stanley?”

  I don't know how it happened or why it happened, but somehow I flipped onto the ground with my seat still attached to my posterior end.

  “Please tell me that didn't just happen.” I pleaded with anyone who could hear me.

  Margie stood over me, giggling like it was the funniest thing she'd ever seen. Other patrons, stood over me, gawking at the spectacle.

  Charlie groaned from across the room. “Way to go, slick!”

  Somehow, in the middle of our fiasco, Charlene walked out unnoticed.

  “Will you get up?” Charlie grabbed me by my arms and pulled me upright. “What part of be discreet did you and your comrades not understand?”

  Blame me, why don't you?

  “Excuse me, but I didn't invite them to this little shindig; you did!” I said as I wriggled myself out of the seat and pulled the hem of my dress down to a more family friendly level.

  “Well, she's gone and now everyone knows what we were up to!” Charlie ran his hands through his thick head of hair.

  I looked around the room, glaring at each set of eyeballs, looking back at me. “What's all the fuss about? Instead of staring at me, you could have at least helped me up!”

  Luigi walked over, speaking low to Charlie. “I thought you said that this wouldn't turn into a sideshow?”

  I was too busy fighting with the monstrosity of a hat on my head to notice that both Charlie and Luigi were waiting for me to respond.

  “What?” I snapped.

  “How did this happen?” Charlie asked.

  I looked around me. Nubbin was still seated at Charlie's table. Margie had joined him and they were enjoying a glass of wine. I couldn't help myself. I had to laugh. We were indeed circus performers.

  “What's so funny?” Charlie snapped at me.

  “You. You're funny! Did you honestly believe that Charlene was going to spill all her secrets because you invited her to dinner? Are you really that full of yourself? Like you have some magic powers or something. Yeah, you may have that chiseled cheek bone thing going on and beautiful brown eyes that sparkle every time you smile or that strong, hero mentality, but we're not all wooed by that as much as you think we are.” I said, without realizing what it sounded like.

  “You're not wooed by me?” Charlie's tone changed.

  Luigi cleared his throat and retreated away from us, turning his attention to the other diners in the restaurant.

  “I think I'm pretty charming.” Charlie said, taking my arm to lead me to his table. “That's why you put up with me.”

  I sat down at his table reluctantly. Not because he wanted me to, but because I couldn't very well stand in the middle of the restaurant.

  “What's the plan now?” Nubbin asked Charlie.

  “We wait.” Charlie answered, taking a drink from his glass of wine.

  I looked at him, hoping he'd elaborate.

  “Do you plan on explaining? Enlighten us lowly citizens. What are we waiting for?” I asked.

  “For the police to arrest Ernie.” Charlie answered smugly.

  “Ernie?” I asked a little too loudly. “Why are they going to arrest him?”

  Charlie looked around to see who was paying attention. Satisfied that no one was, he answered, “Because he killed Stanley.”

  Margie gasped.

  “He did? How do you know that?” She asked.

  I had my suspicions, but I wanted to hear what Charlie had to say before I yelled at him for sending us on a wild goose chase.

  “Charlene recorded the whole thing. The police have the recording. Now, we wait.” He answered.

  “Wait a minute! If she had footage of him killing Stanley, then why did she claim that it was me and Ruby that did it? There's a major difference between the two of us and Ernie!” I protested, still not entirely convinced that either had committed the crime.

  Charlie smiled and smoothed back his hair for dramatic effect. “Charlene reached out to me and told me that she had footage. I guess, she and Ruby have some sort of competition going with this holiday decorating thing, so she was trying to one up her and record what she was planning for the display this year, except since Ruby was planning and executing the whole thing alone – as in, without any help from her best friend – she never left the Anderson Manor, so Charlene never had time to grab the camera. Next thing she knew, Stanley was dead and you and Ruby were standing over his body. She thought you did it and was too scared to look at the footage.”

  “How long have you known this?” I squinted my eyes at him.

  “How long have I been in town?” Charlie answered sarcastically.

  “So, why this whole charade? Look at me, I'm wearing a dress for crying out loud!” I said.

  “Well, the plan was to make Ernie come out and go after Charlene to get that footage, but that didn't happen. He played it cool and let everyone go around suspecting that you and Ruby were the killers, as if either of you would ever have the guts to do anything like that without breaking a nail.” Charlie scoffed at the idea.

  I bit my lip to allow him to go o
n with his explanation, even though I really wanted to defend myself and my friend. Nurses didn't generally have long nails and were some of the bravest people I knew, so the sight of blood or gore would be all in a day's work for us, but telling him that would be a waste of breath.

  “See, I told you that the little woman didn't do it. She didn't have it in her. I've seen killers. She ain't one of them and neither is Honda or the Irish gal. They can't kill.” Nubbin agreed with Charlie.

  Oh, I bet I could, I thought as I glared at Charlie.

  “Wait a minute,” I began. “Why does everyone think that Ruby and I are some sort of weaklings? I'll have you know, we are tough cookies. We don't take any guff from anyone, especially the likes of you two male chauvinist...” I paused, noticing the presence of several police officers in the front lobby.

  “Care to go on about how you're capable of murder, Mercy?” Charlie teased.

  I shook my head. “Nope. I made my point.” I shrunk down in my seat, prepared to be arrested for something. What, I didn't know, but in my experience, police didn't show up in droves unless they meant business.

  They walked in, heading directly for our table. Nubbin and Charlie stood up to greet them, while I tried to maneuver myself around enough so as to be shielded from their line of vision behind Nubbin.

  “Mercy?” One of them asked.

  Charlie, being the rat fink that he was, said, “She's right here. What's this about?”

  Nubbin stayed in front of me. I peeked around his leg and said, “Yes. That's me.”

  Please, don't let them arrest me.

  “We just stopped by to let you all know that Charlene and Ernie have turned themselves in. Looks like our new Chief of Police saved the day. Isn't that a nice how-do-you-do?” The officer smiled at me.

  “You came to tell me?” I asked, confused by their actions.

  “Well, yes. Charlie told us that you were the one who helped figure it all out. You and Charlene are friends?” The officer asked.

  “You arrested her?” I asked, more confused than before.

  He shook his head. “Well, technically, not yet. She turned herself in for trespassing on the Anderson property. I don't think she'll get any time in the slammer for that.” He laughed.

  Charlie winked at me. “Yeah, if it wasn't for Mercy being so doggone nosy, I would have never figured out who was who or what was what. Looks like she's got the makings of a good investigator.”

  I couldn't believe my ears. Had he just complimented me?

  “Well, thank you for all your help. You did good.” The officer said as he offered me his hand. I took it, but I still didn't know what he was talking about.

  When they walked away, I asked, “What was that?”

  Charlie smiled and winked again. “Do you want some wine?”

  I shook my head. “No, I want an explanation. Why are the police thanking me? All I did was agree to meet you here and wear this ridiculous outfit.”

  Charlie put his hand on my shoulder. “You led me in the right direction. Even though, you didn't know it, you helped solve this case. Sorry it had to go this way, but I couldn't let my first introduction to them be me chasing after some loony Halloween queen. I want my introduction to them to be epic, real crime.”

  Nubbin scoffed. “How much deader does someone have to be to be considered real?”

  “But, I don't get it. Why did Ernie kill Stanley? They were business partners?” I asked.

  Hank and Ruby walked in just then.

  “Who called you two?” I asked, surprised, yet relieved to see them.

  Hank nodded to Charlie. “No one. Charlie told us to be here at six. We're early.”

  “Sit down.” Charlie stood up, calling Luigi over to the table. “Can we get some menus for my friends, please?”

  Margie greeted them with hugs.

  “Well, you two got here just in time. We're about to enjoy our double date. I guess we'll make it a triple.” Margie beamed from ear to ear.

  To my surprise, Nubbin didn't balk at her comment.

  Interesting.

  “So, how did it go?” Hank asked as he helped Ruby into a seat. “Did you get your bad guy?”

  I immediately lunged forward. “Hank knew about it too? How am I the only one who had no idea what you were up to?”

  Charlie shrugged.

  Hank offered an apology. “Oops, sorry. I thought you explained it to her already.”

  Ruby, always the voice of reason, chimed in. “Hon, they didn't tell you because they couldn't. Charlie had to make sure, so he kept Charlene here to keep her safe until the police could confirm who was on the recording. From what I understand, there was no denying that it was Ernie. He walked right up to the camera after he drowned poor Stanley in that tub.”

  Charlie explained further. “He must have thought he had the footage, but everything is so digital these days, it was being run on Charlene's computer and the police were able to retrieve it. Charlene was in such a panic about leaving the camera there after Ruby opened the haunted maze up for business that she tried to go back and retrieve it, but it was too late. Stanley was dead and you two gals were standing over his body when she got there.”

  Ruby put her arm around my shoulders to reassure me. “I had already called you and the police by that time. She didn't know that. She didn't know that she'd inadvertently recorded a murder either. She thought she had just recorded footage from the set up and the tour.”

  “Oh, so she wasn't trying to save anyone, except herself?” I got it now.

  “Pretty much.” Charlie answered.

  “That still doesn't answer why Ernie killed Stanley or who moved the claw foot tub.” I said, hoping someone knew the answer.

  Ruby answered, “Well, you and I both know, after having worked alongside Stanley, that he was a greedy little you know what. He was trying to undermine Ernie and was pilfering money out of his business to support himself. After his wife left him, he was basically living paycheck to paycheck. His wife, being spiteful, I suppose, contacted Ernie and told him that she suspected Stanley was up to no good.”

  “Well, how would she know that, I wonder?” Margie asked.

  Hank cleared his throat. “Let's just say that a certain patient of mine had been doing some spying on her own because she believed her ex-husband had been hiding assets from her.”

  Ruby smirked. “And, let's pretend that we don't know that said patient also happens to be Charlene's ex-mother-in-law, who is now in possession of one very old and tainted claw foot tub. The one husband number one thousand and seven was murdered in, that is.”

  Whoa! I wasn't expecting that.

  “So, let me get this right. Hank solved this case?” I couldn't believe it. I didn't know whether to high five him or scold him for withholding valuable information from me. Doctor-patient privilege, my eye!

  “How long have all of you known this?” I asked, feeling like I'd been left out of the loop.

  Ruby patted my shoulder. “We found out about the same time that you decided to be hardheaded about Diana's marriage and bowed out of Halloween. Again!”

  I immediately looked up at Hank. What had he told them about me?

  Hank spoke. “Speaking of that, Mercy, I think you should address that. Let's just get it all out in the open. You're with the family. It's safe. You'll feel much better if you do.”

  Everyone at the table stared at me. Why did Hank have to put me on the spot now? I still had some things to work out for myself.

  I stared at my hands for a few minutes, trying to build up the courage to suck it up and come clean once and for all.

  They watched me intently.

  Luigi interrupted the tense moment to take our orders and to offer to reheat Charlie's dinner.

  I waited until our orders were taken to explain.

  “Well? What's it going to be, Monte Carlo?” Nubbin asked finally.

  I sighed heavily, wishing that this moment would come to an end.

  “Alright,
I'll tell you, but after today, I never – never – want to hear another word about it again.” I had to make myself clear.

  Everyone nodded in agreement. I figured at least half of them were lying, but it was better than nothing.

  “This is so silly.” I said.