Shalia's Diary Omnibus

by Tracy St. John

  December 26

  I went to the complex’s offices this morning to tell Katrina I’d returned. The instant I entered with Anrel, she jumped up with a glad cry and a gazillion questions. “Shalia! Anrel! When did you get in? How was the cruise? Was it cut short? You weren’t due for a few more days.”

  She enveloped us in a hug. Naturally, I had to surrender my child to her ardent admirer. I didn’t begrudge Katrina the attention, seeing as how I’d snatched Anrel from most of her fan base. For her part, Anrel shrieked with glee to be with her grammy again. There was hugging and kissing and babbling for several seconds.

  Katrina gave me a grin. “Have you had breakfast? I could cope with some coffee if you haven’t.”

  “That would be great. I fed Anrel first thing, but I’m ready to stuff my face. How are you?”

  “Busy. Another ship full of the future mothers of Kalquor came in four days ago. This place is more hectic by the minute.”

  We went to the dining hall. “Who am I kidding?” Katrina sighed as we queued up at the buffet. “Second breakfast it is.”

  I laughed. We grabbed our food and sat down at a small table so we could converse privately. I took Anrel and bounced her on my knee as I ate.

  “Where’s Candy? Snuggled somewhere with Stidmun?” Katrina asked after giving me a few moments to shovel food down my throat.

  “They’re still on the cruise. I left early.”

  Katrina’s brows rose. “Uh oh. Clan Seot was a bust? They seemed so wonderful. You glowed in their presence.”

  I kept my voice light, though a throb of hurt set up shop in my chest again. “They are wonderful. In fact, I plan to join their clan, once I work through whatever’s gunking up my good sense. Or two weeks, whichever comes first.” It was my sole ray of hope, being with Seot, Cifa, and Larten again, no matter what.

  I told Katrina the tale, ending with, “I’m determined to do this right. I’m whipping myself into shape so I don’t inflict my stupid on them. I’m praying Feru has a clue for me, if not the answer.”

  Katrina was quiet, playing with her food. I finished my breakfast, chased it with the last of my coffee, and contemplated another cup.

  I was about to ask her if she had any idea what might be eating at me, when she said, “It’s forever something with you, isn’t it, Shalia?”

  I blinked at the anger in her tone. “What?”

  Katrina stared at me, her brows creasing as she frowned. “Do you realize what a gift it is to be with those you love? To be able to spend all the time in the world with them? Yet at the first sign of trouble, you run off. You did it with Clan Aslada too, because you were bored with waiting for them to come home from work.”

  “With the understanding that I would go back…which isn’t going to happen now, but I wasn’t aware of it then,” I said, my mind spinning.

  “You keep doing the same damned thing,” Katrina told me. “You got involved with a clan on Earth, recognizing you would walk away from them. Then you did it with Betra and Oses. Is that your plan, Shalia? To leave a trail of men behind while wailing how awful it is that you can’t keep anyone around?”

  My mouth hung open. I couldn’t believe Katrina was dressing me down. She left me speechless.

  She gathered her tray and stood. “I’m sorry you feel like you have to ‘find yourself’, or whatever nonsense it is that keeps you throwing aside every chance at happiness that comes. It’s damned hard to find sympathy when I’d do anything – anything – to be with my clan. If you loved Clan Seot, you’d be on that boat showing them.”

  She walked off, leaving me in shock.

  I can understand why she’d think that. Katrina misses Clan Wotref. She’s hurting. From her perspective, it is selfish of me to leave the clan I adore. But

  I’m not being selfish. I’m trying to fix it the best I can for those I love.

  Of course I want to be with them! Every moment I’m not is torture…which is why I understand where Katrina is coming from.

  It still hurts that she doesn’t realize that I’m doing my best. Maybe after I’ve reunited with my clan, she and I can heal this rift that’s come between us. I hope so.

  December 28

  I haven’t slept more than a few hours the last two nights. I might have to throw in the towel and return to Clan Seot no matter how messy my brain is.

  I did have one nice distraction today. I met Matara Elwa, Betra’s mom, for lunch in the market. We sat at a lovely private table on the roof of one of the eateries, overlooking the centerpiece of square where the entertainers amused and delighted shoppers. The roof was a delightful place to eat with its carved stone railings, marble-tiled floor, and fountains that shot plumes of rainbow-colored water into the air. The food was terrific too, and I made note to return there with Clan Seot.

  “My friend Katrina thinks I’m a brat for running out on Clan Seot,” I confessed to Elwa after telling her my trials. “Leaving might have been a terrible mistake, but I’m afraid I’ll damage the relationship if I don’t straighten myself out first.”

  Elwa spooned some of her warm wedi broth into Anrel’s mouth and laughed at the face the baby made…but Anrel kept accepting the soup she was offered, soon not screwing up her nose anymore.

  Elwa smiled at me. “I’m delighted that you’ve found a clan to love. As for making a mistake by leaving when you did…only time can tell. While I’m not sure it was the right move, you did it for the right reason. Being in the thick of things can make it impossible to fix them. We need to take a step back occasionally to gain a clearer picture.”

  Some tension slipped away. If Elwa didn’t think I was a total idiot, then maybe I wasn’t. “I wish I knew why I’m terrified when it comes to commitment. They’re everything I could want for myself and Anrel. They love us. There shouldn’t be a problem.”

  “But there is. Otherwise, you would be moving into their home and beginning your life as a clanned woman.” Elwa shrugged. “You’re smart to set a limit, at least. When the two weeks is up, whether or not your emotions are stable, accept Seot’s offer. Maybe discovering the joy of clanship will calm whatever fears are making you miserable. The fact your men are aware there’s a struggle will help them remain patient with you.”

  “I wouldn’t shortchange them by going into it as screwy as I am?”

  “If it’s in your head, it’ll resolve eventually. If the problem were in your heart…which doesn’t appear to be the case…that would be a different issue.” Elwa sighed. “Young people and your relationships. I don’t remember it being this difficult when I was courted.”

  “I wish I could peek into their minds. That the stupid fears that keep coming up could be killed off once and for all.” I despaired at my ridiculousness. “I know beyond a shadow of a doubt they’ll be good fathers to Anrel. I know I’ll be happy with them. I know Clan Aslada, as wonderful as they are, is not the clan for me. Why do I keep questioning myself?”

  “A lifelong commitment is no small thing, even when you’re certain. You’re not responsible for yourself alone anymore.” Elwa chuckled. “If you knew how I’ve gone round and round on that with Betra…you have to trust problems will work themselves out.”

  I’m glad she’s so confident in me. I’m second-guessing every move I make these days.

  December 29

  Oh, blessed prophets! Feru messaged me…and he figured it out! He figured out what’s eating at me, what’s wrecking my happiness. It’s me, of course. Just as I knew it had to be.

  Being so far away and not able to toss questions at me, to excavate for the whole truth, Feru was quick to caution, “This is only an educated guess, Shalia, based on your history. I could be mistaken, but you can get back to me, and we’ll dig deeper as best this delay will let us.”

  “I could kiss you a million times for trying,” I told his image.

  “Here’s what I’m seeing,” he continued. “Out of self-protection, you refused to allow yourself to be close to a lot of people on Earth. You
r mother’s illness played a part in that, as did those who had power over you. In addition, you had the unfortunate circumstance of your father walking out on your family.”

  “He probably did us a favor,” I muttered.

  “When you first became attached romantically, it was to an unavailable clan. Also to that Dramok Nang, who was unattainable due to the sexuality of his clanmates.”

  “And the fact he’s certifiable.”

  Blissfully unaware of my commentary, Feru kept talking. “You continued that trend with Imdiko Betra and Nobek Oses.”

  A light went off in my brain. “Are you saying I’m subconsciously involving myself with men I can’t have? That I’m rejecting Clan Seot because I can have them? Was Katrina right? Am I that screwy? Why would I do shit like that?”

  I had to rewind Feru’s dialogue because I’d run my big mouth over it. “Shut up and listen, Shalia.”

  Feru’s diagnosis resumed. “You reached Kalquor at last, and you pinpointed two clans as likely mates. This first clan, Clan Aslada, has done great things for you. They helped your mother, doted on Anrel, met every need.”

  “Thanks for the guilt trip.”

  “Yet they had to return to their jobs, which for them, entails long hours. You were alone so much that you were essentially abandoned, though I doubt that was their intent. To top it all off, your mother chose to go to Galactic Council space rather than stay close to you.”

  I caught a glimmer of something indefinable as I had before, a detail I could almost recognize. I didn’t have to search for it though. Feru explained what I was fighting.

  “To recap: at an early age, your father abandoned you. That’s a huge betrayal for a child, Shalia. It set you up for a lifetime of distrust. You subconsciously worried about others who got close. You knew they could desert you as well. It’s happening all over again, isn’t it? Recently you’ve suffered a sort of abandonment by Clan Aslada, who have extraordinarily full schedules which are difficult to balance in your favor. Then the biggest of them all: your mother. Not that I’m saying she was wrong to leave. She has a lot to work through before she can attempt to mend her relationship with you. It feels like abandonment all the same.” He smiled at me, probably to take the sting out of any rebuke I might believe he was offering. “In a nutshell, you’re afraid of being deserted by those you love, because it’s happened so often. You want a relationship with Clan Seot, but your defenses keep going up. You pull them close, only to push them away when they take the invitation. I’d say you’re subconsciously trying to leave first, to save yourself the pain of being forsaken yet again.”

  I paused his message at that moment. I could barely breathe.

  Common sense had been pointing that out to me for the last few weeks. I’d been on the brink of figuring it out on several occasions. When I thought about Mom, how she’d gone to Galactic Council space because she’d needed to sort herself out before she and I could fix our relationship…exactly what I was doing to Clan Seot…I’d almost spied the nature of my problem. Mom had left me. Right or wrong, she’d left me, just as my father had.

  My initial two relationships, those with my parents, had been utter failures. Now some sad, pathetic piece of me thought that it would be the same with Clan Seot, because they meant too much.

  “Fuck,” I breathed. “What a mess.”

  I switched Feru on once more. “If I’m incorrect, com me. We’ll figure it out. If you decide I’m correct, you have some work to do. Unfortunately, only time with your intended clan will absolve your fears of abandonment. I recommend in any case that you find a therapist to help you deal with trauma you probably didn’t realize you had.”

  His look turned grave. “I can’t stress that enough. If I’m correct, you’ll have similar problems of commitment to any clan you consider joining. There will be mourning and anger to slog through if this is the challenge you face. It won’t be an easy ride. I also recommend you sit down with Clan Seot and tell them everything I’ve told you. Play my message for them if it’ll help.

  “Good luck, Shalia. Give Anrel a hug from me.” Feru laughed. “When she’s not covered in food, that is. Goodness, she’s growing fast!”

  Buoyed by the belief he’d gotten to the heart of my issues, I was set to com Clan Seot immediately. My door announce went off, interrupting my plans. I considered ignoring it, because I was so excited to have things clear. I’m glad I answered instead.

  Katrina stood there, looking uncomfortable. “I’m sorry,” were the first words out of her mouth.

  “Me too. Get in here. Anrel wants her grammy.”

  Before Katrina greeted my little girl, who was playing on her blanket in the middle of the floor, she grabbed me in a hug. “I apologize from the bottom of my heart, Shalia. My only excuse is that I miss my clan. I was wrong to judge you.”

  “Stop,” I begged her. “I have more drama than anyone wants to hear. I mess up all I touch, then I expect you to listen to me complain.”

  Katrina laughed as she drew back. She wiped at her eyes. “We all have moments like that. Most of your drama is none of your fault.”

  She picked up Anrel, who had been yelling for her attention the moment Katrina had appeared. “Yes, little princess, I hear you demanding to be the center of the universe. I know who the real drama queen is around here!”

  I was beyond happy to have my friend in my corner. “Are you okay, Katrina? Nothing bad happened, did it?”

  “My conscience won out over my pride.” Her smile was embarrassed. “You’ve been dealing with a crisis, and I wasn’t a friend to you.”

  “You had a point about me running away. You were more on target than you realize.” It was my turn to feel humiliated.

  “Why do you say that?”

  I waved her off. “There’ve been enough of my upheavals. I heard from Feru, and he shined the light on my inner uglies, exposing them so they can’t hide anymore.”

  “Tell me. I promise not to be a self-absorbed bitch.” Katrina sat down on my lounger with an expression that proclaimed she wasn’t budging until I launched into another round of True Confessions.

  “You are not a self-absorbed bitch,” I countered. “If our friendship can’t withstand a bump in the road here and there, then we’ve never been friends.”

  “Fine. I’m a shining goddess of exceptional wit and beauty then.” Katrina rolled her eyes. “Tell me what Feru said.”

  “I’ll do better. I’ll play you his message.”

  I did so, and Katrina listened, nodding throughout. When the message ended, she told me, “I can see it. It makes all the sense in the world.”

  “I hate that I was blind to what was happening,” I sighed.

  “You knew something was off and took steps to find out what it was. That’s commendable.”

  “Now I have a clan to join.” My stomach got that twisty feeling, but I mentally gave it the finger. Understanding what was setting me off was indeed half the battle. “They should be home tomorrow. Should I do it in person then or com them this minute?”

  “Hold up, missy.” Katrina used a mock-severe tone. “You haven’t started on the root problem. Maybe you should find that therapist Feru wants you to consult before making everything official.”

  “I can fight what’s bothering me now that I understand it!”

  “And fight with your clan too?” Katrina held up her hands in a “stop” motion. “Uh-uh. You owe it to those guys to share Feru’s findings. Then you can decide together whether or not to make it official. Speaking of making it official, have you dumped Clan Aslada yet?”

  “Um. I was planning to wait until I was clanned.”

  “Shalia.” The disapproval was real.

  “What? I’m going to do it!”

  “You’re keeping them in reserve,” Katrina said. “In case something goes wrong. In case Seot and company abandon you.”

  “That’s ridiculous,” I spluttered, but I wondered. “It’ll be awkward as hell to tell them I won’t honor
my promise to give them another chance.”

  “It needs to be done. There are hundreds of Mataras here and more coming. Those boys could be Prince Charmings to one of them. Cut Clan Aslada loose, and I’ll foist off some lucky damsel on them as a consolation prize.” She stood and gave me a wink. “Meanwhile, I’ll com my contacts and see if any of the therapists around here specialize in Earthers with romantic issues.”

  “Fine. Whatever. And Katrina?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Thanks.” I hugged her before taking Anrel.

  It’s getting late as I write this. Despite telling Katrina I would let Clan Aslada off the hook, I haven’t made that com. I can’t face it yet. I need to process my revelation, and then I’ll do it. Tomorrow. I promise.