Shalia's Diary Omnibus

by Tracy St. John

  December 30

  It was mid-morning when Joelle, Candy, and Stidmun showed up at my door. The cruise is done. Clan Seot is home. My insides jitter thinking how near they are.

  I hugged and was hugged by the trio…yes, even Stidmun deigned to give me a quick embrace. “You all look so relaxed,” I told them. “No doubt I missed the best part of the cruise.”

  “Actually, you didn’t,” Candy sighed, flopping down on the floor next to Anrel and getting her hair pulled by my joyously shrieking tot. “We missed you and your mommy, pretty baby. It wasn’t the same without you two.”

  “Probably a lot less stressful,” I snorted. “I’m sorry if I wrecked it for everyone.”

  “No, not really.” Joelle sat on the floor as well so she could pick Anrel up. “But after you left, we couldn’t – how did you put it, Candy?”

  “Get our party on,” Stidmun supplied. His sober manner cracked us up.

  “Sooo,” Candy drawled. “Did you get the revelation you were hoping for? Are you going through with joining Seot’s clan?”

  “I am.” I chuckled when they exchanged looks of relief. “I haven’t talked to them in several days. How are they?”

  “Quiet,” Joelle supplied. “Cifa barely spoke for the rest of the trip. That might have been because Erom kept after him about screwing things up with you. Ila finally tossed that mouthy Dramok off the ship and into the sea.”

  Candy snickered. “She wouldn’t allow Erom to come on board until he promised to shut up. She told him he could drown for all she cared. She was pissed off.”

  Stidmun chuckled with Candy. “He needs to learn when he’s gone too far. He was smart enough to heed the lesson until we got in port, at least.”

  I squirmed, not liking that I’d made Cifa and the rest feel bad. “Feru wants me to get counseling. Katrina insists I should hold off clanning until I’ve consulted a therapist.”

  Candy sat up. “You talked to Feru?”

  I shared his wisdom with them. To my amusement, it was Stidmun who offered his opinion before Candy and Joelle.

  “Number one: speak with Clan Aslada. Tell them you are done with them. Do not delay another day. It’s not fair to do otherwise. Number two: join Seot’s clan. This matter of healing will require being with the men who hold you above all else. That leaves only one last thing.”

  “Which is?” I asked when he paused, amused to be given relationship advice by an unclanned Nobek.

  “Be happy.”

  He made it sound so simple. As it should be.

  After they left and I gave Anrel her lunch and put her down for a nap, I decided to take the first step of Stidmun’s advice. It had been Katrina’s counsel as well. With everyone in agreement, I had to confront my responsibilities.

  I was trembling when Aslada answered the call. I’d almost opted for it to be voice-only, but that was the coward’s path out. I needed to bite the bullet, to handle it like the adult I supposedly am.

  The Dramok’s handsome face split wide with his smile. “Shalia! What a delight.”

  “Are you still at work? Isn’t it late there?”

  He rolled his eyes. “Unfortunately. The territorial council called an extended session to debate some unpopular legislation, the kind that makes or breaks political careers. You caught me during a break between arguments.”

  Great. I’d commed at the worst possible moment – Aslada was dealing with an atmosphere of tension, and Meyso and Jaon weren’t with him. “I commed the home frequency. Didn’t I? I guess I’m being scatterbrained.”

  “Not at all. With Jaon and Meyso out of the area, I programmed the home com to alert my portable.”

  Jaon must have been on an assignment. “Meyso’s not home?”

  “He’s at a week-long conference on the other side of the continent. Why?” Aslada brightened. “Is this a com we should all be present for?”

  “Well, yeah. That’s what I’d intended. If you’ll clue me in on when I can catch everyone—”

  “No, no! You can tell me. Any news you have, I’ll be too happy to pass along. Was your cruise with the other clan enjoyable? I thought perhaps things weren’t going quite as you’d hoped, seeing as how you contacted us while you were with them.”

  Shit. Aslada believed I’d given Clan Seot the boot. Maybe he even hoped I had commed to say it was his clan I wanted to be with. My stomach lurched.

  “I have to talk to you about our plans for me to return. It’s still a few weeks—”

  “You are welcome whenever you wish.” Aslada beamed from ear to ear. “No need to wait.”

  Prophets, help me. He wouldn’t make this easy. “Um, about that. It turns out, I won’t be visiting again after all. Things went well with Clan Seot. I’ve decided to join their clan.”

  Okay, so I was muddying the truth. My relationship with Clan Seot hadn’t been rainbows and kittens, but only because I’d fallen in love and my idiot psyche couldn’t handle it.

  None of that mattered as far as Aslada was concerned. Larten had it right. Our clan’s business was not that of any of my former lovers.

  For a heartbreaking second, Aslada’s smile remained, expectant of the news he wanted. Then it stiffened and froze as the truth sank in. Slowly it faded to be replaced by disbelief…then disappointment.

  “I see,” he said quietly. “You’re a sensible woman, so they must have offered something we couldn’t.”

  “You offer a great deal. I can’t begin to express my gratitude for everything you’ve done. Meyso helped my mother. You all helped me as I coped with her problems. Honestly, I don’t know how I would have gotten through it without you, Meyso, and Jaon. You have no idea how I wanted to repay you by joining your clan.”

  Aslada managed a gentle smile. “I would have counted myself fortunate to have you as my Matara, Shalia. And Anrel my daughter. My clanmates feel the same. However, mere gratitude does not a solid relationship make. Thank you for falling on the side of honesty and not misplaced appreciation.”

  I was crying. “I’m sorry, Aslada. I care about you and the others. But I love Clan Seot.”

  “Then give them my congratulations. They are more fortunate than they can comprehend. Be well, Shalia. My best wishes for your happy future.”

  He closed the frequency. I sat and cried. I had considered him, Meyso, and Jaon as more than friends. They’d been my lovers. My strength during a difficult period. I could have easily lived the rest of my life with them.

  But Seot, Cifa, and Larten had grabbed my heart and soul. It was clear that as much as it hurt to close the door on Clan Aslada, my place was not with them.

  I need to figure out what has to happen for me to join the clan I am meant for. My path seems clear, but I’m not sure how to start down it.

  It’s stupid, but I’m so damned scared.

  December 31

  I’m gathering my strength. Or maybe I’m stalling because I can’t move past these crazy fears holding me back. Which is dumb as fuck. I mean, if I accept Seot’s offer to clan, he, Cifa, and Larten can’t abandon me, right? Well, not legally.

  Come on, Shalia. It’s just the most important decision of your life. What’s so freaky about that? Ha-ha-ha.

  I was pathetically grateful when the big moment was postponed. Elwa showed up at my doorstep, and I welcomed her into my quarters. She glanced around my greeting room and smiled. “What a lovely little shoe closet.”

  I laughed a little too hard at her joke. I’m strung tight today.

  There was the obligatory fussing over Anrel before Elwa sank daintily on my lounger. She patted the seat next to her, and I sat down. She draped her arm around my shoulders.

  “I have visited your Clan Seot. They impressed me. I think they are better suited to you than Clan Aslada.”

  I stared up at her in shock. “You went to visit them?”

  “Of course. I see you perhaps not quite as a daughter, but at the least as a ward of mine. You and Anrel are very much my concern. I had to evaluate th
ese men who have tied you up in so many knots.”

  “More like brought the truth out.” I told her what Feru had diagnosed. “The trouble is that the therapists in this area who deal with Earther Mataras are concerned with extreme trauma cases. They can’t be bothered with my piddling daddy and mommy issues.”

  “I’ll make an appointment for you with Dr. Cafir immediately.” Elwa drew her handheld from a pocket. “She’s not an Earther specialist, but she understands general psychological issues facing us all. Better still, she comprehends the challenges we women have dealing with our mates. I can’t tell you how often she’s kept me from strangling my clanmates in their sleep.”

  I was more astonished than ever. “You go to a psychologist?”

  Elwa regarded me as if I’d just asked if she washed her hands after using the toilet. “Silly girl. Any woman who doesn’t want to lose her mind in this society keeps a mental professional in her arsenal. It’s as important as regular checkups and a quality hairdresser.” Her handheld beeped, and she checked the readout. “Excellent. You’ll see Dr. Cafir in three days. Bring your clan for the initial visit so she can view the dynamics you are dealing with.”

  My handheld buzzed to alert confirmation of the appointment. I thanked her, feeling a little off-balance that Elwa, queen of control and woman of wisdom, had a regular therapist.

  Having done her duty as my guardian, Elwa left soon afterward. “Tons to do, sweetheart,” she said in a brisk tone as she kissed my cheek. “You are confirming your agreement with your clan today, correct?”

  “I’ll try to.” Panic fluttered my heart.

  “It’s overwhelming, but they are perfect for you. Rest assured on that matter. I’ll speak with you in a day or two? That’s a pet.” She was gone with a rustling of her flowing skirts.

  I was left with no more excuses. It was time to confront my fears and meet my future. So I put it off for another hour to fix my makeup and dress. Yes! More postponing. I vowed to myself I would not delay for more than that. I would com Clan Seot after that hour. I would ask them to meet with me. I would accept their offer to clan.

  I prettied myself up as much as possible, fussing over my appearance and finding more flaws than I care to admit. I try not to be too vain, but I was determined to bolster my self-confidence with cosmetic purification. It took more than a couple tries, because my hands were shaking. Then I chose a pretty Kalquorian-style gown. It was a special occasion, after all. Fortunately, I didn’t have to debate over that issue for long, because I had only two that hadn’t been picked out and paid for by Clan Aslada. I wasn’t about to wear any of the stunning pieces from the ‘other’ men.

  I was at a loss as usual with my hair. Will I ever figure out how to style it nicely? I was firm with myself and refused to com Candy. I knew I would lose more than that allotted hour if she came along. It would be too easy an excuse to delay greeting my destiny once again. I messed with my hair as best I could, managing to pull it back in jeweled combs so it appeared I’d expended more effort than I actually had.

  So silly. I mean, Seot, Cifa and Larten had already seen me without a drop of makeup and some of the worst cases of bedhead ever. Yet it felt as if I were donning a suit of armor. Being dressed to the nines gave me the illusion I had extra protection. Sue me for needing that boost.

  I put Anrel in a pretty dress that brought out the purple in her eyes. A bow in her black curls was all she needed to pull off a finished look. She doesn’t require a fraction of the effort I do. She’s already perfect.

  I managed to square us both away in the hour I’d allowed. I paused to peer at myself in the mirror. I looked nice, but terrified. You’d think I was marching off to my execution rather than dashing into the arms of those I love. Sheesh.

  I told Anrel as she goggled at me in the cutest manner possible, “This is your big day too. Very soon, you’ll have three fatherls.”

  It was as good a speech as any to motivate me. I picked up my com and hit Clan Seot’s home frequency.

  A member of the house staff picked up. No one from Clan Seot was home.

  I declined to leave a message. Now that I was doing this, I couldn’t wait another second. I rang Seot’s portable frequency. At the same instant, my door announce went off.

  “No,” I muttered at my unknown visitor. “No more distractions. This is happening right the hell this second.”

  My heart stuttered when Seot’s voice came on the com. “Shalia, open up. It’s us at the door.”

  “What? Oh. Well, hell.” I clicked off, flustered that I was about to meet my future face-to-face, with no extra opportunity to ready myself mentally. “Door, open.”

  There they were, the three who made me happier than I was entitled to be, the men who also scared me out of my wits. Okay, maybe they weren’t what scared me, but what they represented did. They hurried in, eyes wide and concerned.

  “Are you all right? What’s happened?” Larten picked up Anrel and handed her to Cifa before pulling me close.

  “Uh, nothing. I was just comming to find out if we could meet up.” I blinked up at him and the others, noting the confusion on their expressions. The same confusion I felt.

  “Didn’t you send a message asking us to come over as fast as we could?” Seot pulled me from Larten.

  “No. It didn’t come from me.”

  We stood there, staring at each other. Larten gestured to Cifa. “Let me check your handheld.”

  Cifa paused in having a snuggle reunion with the baby long enough to comply. “The message was sent to me,” he explained. “It wasn’t from your frequency, but it was signed with your name.”

  Larten tapped on the device. “Here it is. A quick trace on the sender – oh. Matara Elwa.” His brow creased. “Why would she send us a message to come here as fast as we could?”

  I shook my head, laughing. “Because she’s a busybody with fine intentions. She was afraid I wouldn’t do what I needed to. For heaven’s sake, I’m going to have a word with her. Several words, in fact.”

  They relaxed. Wow, they’d raced over to be sure I was okay because a cryptic message had been sent. I choked up to realize they’d dropped whatever they’d been doing.

  Cifa reached to stroke my cheek. “You’re beautiful, Shalia. You said you were comming to ask if we could meet?”

  “Yes. Sit down. I have a lot to tell you.”

  It had been my intention to accept them as my clan first. I decided it might be more honest to explain all that had happened since we’d last spoken. I did so, sharing Feru’s insights about how I’d likely subconsciously try to sabotage any chance at clanning with any men, no matter how I cared for them.

  “So you see, it really was me and not you.” I winced at the hell I’d put them through.

  “You have a past full of sadness and hurt,” Seot said. “Ancestors, I feel terrible. I’d begun to wonder if you weren’t toying with us. I’m ashamed I had such thoughts.”

  “Me too,” Cifa confessed, his eyes overly bright as he hugged Anrel close. “When you left us, I was sure it was over. Though you insisted you loved us, I felt you wouldn’t run off if you did. I’m sorry I took it that way.”

  I could have kissed and strangled them all at once. “Please don’t blame any of this on yourselves. How could you understand it? Hell, I can’t figure it out, and I’m the crazy person in this scenario!”

  “Not crazy. Incredibly normal, given your losses.” Larten’s expression was grave. “I took offense to you wanting to talk to Betra. It bothers me, because of the relationship you had with him. As for this Dr. Feru…I’m glad you spoke to him.”

  “Perhaps continuing to talk to someone about the rejections you suffered would be of benefit,” Seot suggested.

  I snorted. “Elwa has already booked an appointment for me. Big surprise, huh?”

  Cifa chuckled. “She doesn’t leave anything to chance, I take it.”

  “She told me I should bring my whole clan for the initial interview. That everyone
should be involved in helping me past this nonsense.”

  My words hung in the air. I watched as realization woke in their eyes. Seot asked, “Are you saying – Shalia, what are you saying?”

  I swallowed hard. “I told Aslada I couldn’t visit his clan again because I’d chosen yours. If I haven’t screwed up our relationship beyond repair…if the offer is still good…”

  Seot took Anrel from Cifa. He placed her in my lap and knelt before me. In a flash, Cifa and Larten were on either side of him, kneeling as well.

  Seot’s voice was strong as ever, if a little breathless. “Shalia, would you do my clan the honor of being our Matara? Of accepting our love? Of making us the fathers of this child of our hearts, Anrel?”